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Am I an awful person for not going out with Dh and his kids ?

(235 Posts)
lovescentedcandles Sat 24-Feb-18 11:41:58

My Dh is annoyed with me because I can't go out with him and his kids on Saturdays.
I work full time and am doing a PhD. I need Saturdays to clean the house and do PhD work.

If I go out with him and the kids on Saturdays, then the only day that we have together alone will be Sunday. I would then need to spend Sunday cleaning and doing PhD work as I wouldn't be able to get that done on the Saturday. We would have no 'real' time together alone.

I don't really enjoy spending time with his kids as they are loud, rude and don't do as they are told. And I would rather choose to spend any time that I have 'off' from work, PhD and cleaning alone with him and not running around after his kids. I need some down time too.

I don't think he realises that he benefits in a way because he never does any cleaning and he gets to go out and have fun with his kids while I do all the horrible household chores like cleaning the toilet and getting hair out of the bath hmm.

He is now annoyed with me because they are out and I am at home. Am I a horrible person? He's making me feel very bad about it.

Winosaurus Sat 24-Feb-18 11:44:59

No YANBU. I actually think it’s befter for everyone if Dad’s spend regular time alone with their kids. I leave my DP to it when he has his for the weekend

nothanksbyenow Sat 24-Feb-18 11:47:12

Do you ever join the at the end of the day for dinner? Could he not pick a place you like to go, say once a month, compromise a bit?

Midnightpony Sat 24-Feb-18 11:49:35

Could you go out with him and his children next Saturday and on Sunday wake him up at 7 with a list of chores for him to do while you do your PhD work?

NorthernSpirit Sat 24-Feb-18 11:50:02

Not, not at all!

I’m at home right now enjoying a bit of piece and quiet before I do some housework. My OH and his 2 kids are an hour away at football practice. I’m asked if I want to go, but personally i’d rather clean the bog than stand on the side of a cold damp football pitch chatting to the football mums who frankly I have nothing in common with. Joking aside.... I think it’s good for the kids to spend time alone with their dad. He only sees them EOW and I don’t want to be hanging around all the time. I want them to have time alone with their dad.

Not selfish in your part at all. Does your OH appreciate what you do for him and the kids while they are out enjoying themselves? I think there’s an element with DSC that they have to be entertained and having fun all the time. I don’t think that’s the case.

AnneLovesGilbert Sat 24-Feb-18 11:51:35

YANBU for wanting time to yourself instead of child friendly outings every weekend. YABVVVU to do all the cleaning. How has that happened?! Stop that straight away.

How old are the DC? Part of family life is doing stuff you’re not mad about and part of stepparenting is often doing more of that so you get to know the children and can engage with them. Maybe your husband sees it as you pulling back completely from engaging with this kids and that’s what he’s worried about.

But he’s being pretty ungrateful to be narky about you telling him to go and have fun with them while you’re at home cleaning.

You need to talk properly about how you both feel and what you want. If all he hears is you hate mr kids and will do anything to avoid them then that’s going to hurt.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett Sat 24-Feb-18 12:00:19

Step kids aside, why are you doing all the cleaning? That's crazy. If he starts pulling his weight you'd have more time and surely some of that could be spent with the children?

Somerville Sat 24-Feb-18 12:04:28

So you live together, but you have to do all the housework?
Although it's fine for you to study at weekends," while he's with his kids; does this relationship really have a future, since you trine his kids loud and rude and disobedient?

lovescentedcandles Sat 24-Feb-18 12:14:29

To answer some questions!

The kids are 6 & 9.
Yes we are married and live together.
I do all the cleaning. He has his children 3 week evenings and then the other 2 he studies for a professional qualification. So he doesn't really have time to clean either apart from on Sunday.
I could spend Saturday with them and give him a list of chores to do on Sunday I suppose. But if honest I'd rather spend the one day a week alone with him rather than helping him look after his kids.

lovescentedcandles Sat 24-Feb-18 12:15:29

His kids are rude, loud and disobedient. It's not just me who thinks so.
But they can also be sweet and caring. Just they are not the easiest kids in the world.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett Sat 24-Feb-18 12:39:08

You work full time and are studying for a PhD. I don't think either of you has oodles of spare time actually, so it's even more important that chores are split equally.

However, that all said - you really dislike the children who spend, what? Half of their non-school time in your home. I can't see how this will make you happy in the long-term.

lovescentedcandles Sat 24-Feb-18 12:43:05

I don't dislike his children.
I don't like their behaviour at times.

lovescentedcandles Sat 24-Feb-18 12:45:18

I know it's important for him to spend time with them and that doesn't bother me. It's just I don't think it's really important for me to spend time with them.

BettyBaggins Sat 24-Feb-18 12:46:20

No, you arent awful!

Winosaurus Sat 24-Feb-18 12:49:02

I think it’s fine for now but how will it work if you decide to have a child together? Is that what you want? It may make things very hard if you’re not involved but then being another kid into the mix

PhelanThePain Sat 24-Feb-18 12:50:16

Is it just him that wants you to go with them? Or are the kids asking for you to go too? They’re probably enjoying their days out with Dad and aren’t concerned that you are absent. It’s probably him wanting you to help him handle his kids and have another adult there for his own company.

TellsEveryoneRealFacts Sat 24-Feb-18 12:52:01

So he doesn't really have time to clean either apart from on Sunday.

So you both clean for half the time and then spend some time together?

Don't get mugged off just because he has the penis.

lovescentedcandles Sat 24-Feb-18 12:52:48

Yes! @PhelanThePain that's exactly what I think it is. I don't think the kids could care less!

MyBrilliantDisguise Sat 24-Feb-18 12:52:56

I wouldn't even dream of going out with them. I think you're very good doing all the housework. It sounds as though he doesn't enjoy being with his children due to their behaviour - that's up to him to try to sort out, isn't it?

Does he give in to them too easily? Would you want him to parent your own children (if you had them) differently?

Helpimfalling Sat 24-Feb-18 12:53:53

@Winosaurus good point! And I do think your being slightly harsh op but it's up to you

I think once a fortnight would Be nice for you to join them

lovescentedcandles Sat 24-Feb-18 12:54:21

@Winosaurus we are planning to have a child together after I've finished my PhD and he's finished studying. So we would have a lot more time.

Helpimfalling Sat 24-Feb-18 12:57:54

I would feel sad you wasn't as interested in my kids but that's just me

If you had a child I'd hope it still not be that segregated

Do you see them in the week in passing when he has them though or any other involvement

HellonHeels Sat 24-Feb-18 12:58:21

As a step daughter who never ever had time with my father without my stepmother present my view is you're definitely NBU. My relationship with my father was very weak, we ended up with nothing at all to say to each other, just polite small talk. You are doing the right thing.

greathat Sat 24-Feb-18 12:59:42

Can you afford a cleaner? It's all sounding very one sided

Butterymuffin Sat 24-Feb-18 13:01:44

Stop doing all the cleaning. You both work full time and study on top of that, so I can't see any reason for not splitting the cleaning 50/50.

In fact, tell him you want to split the cleaning and in return you'll go out with him and the kids half the time (ie every other Saturday).

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