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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

Holidays without SD

37 replies

stella80 · 21/02/2018 19:00

Hello, I haven’t posted here much so please bear with me. I’ve been with my bf for almost 4 years. He has a daughter who is almost 12, he split with her mum when Dsd was 6 months old. We have DSD every other weekend. We do take her away for weekends sometimes and every summer we have 2 weeks with her which we try to fill with lots of things she will enjoy. Last summer we took her to Dominican Republic for 10 days and her dad has taken her to Euro Disney. He doesn’t want to go away just me and him anymore (we went away when we had been together 6 months and again 18 months) as he feels guilty. I wondered what other people thought of this- am I wrong to want a hol just me and him or is that just not right anymore!?

OP posts:

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disconnecteddrifter · 21/02/2018 19:02

I think you should go away together as well as with SD.

DextroDependant · 21/02/2018 19:04

I don't see why you couldn't go away for a week inbetween contact weekends as long as it's not at the expense of a holiday that she can also go on.

Catinthebath · 21/02/2018 19:05

I don’t think it’s any different a decision than if she was your birth daughter. Some parents don’t like to holiday without their kids, some do. I think it’s just his preference

leighdinglady · 21/02/2018 19:05

Depends if it's a family holiday or couples. I'd like adult only city break or something but would accept he wants to spend his holiday with his daughter. It's nice that he's a good dad.

phoenixtherabbit · 21/02/2018 19:05

I would go away with out her every other time. She has another parent.

MadMags · 21/02/2018 19:08

DH and I go away without the dc. Not for longer than a couple of days but we do it.

It’s important to get time as a couple IMO.

MachineBee · 21/02/2018 19:14

I tried to organise our last summer holiday to include my 3 DSCs before the eldest went off to uni. We turned ourselves inside out trying to fit in with their summer commitments, their DMs availability and our colleagues’ holiday plans at both our workplaces. After everything, DSD changed her mind and said she didn’t want to bother. Good thing we hadn’t booked the plane tickets. We just went away with the younger DSSs 14 & 16.

My point is that it won’t be very many years until your DSD won’t want to come away on holiday with you. If your DH is insistent you may find the decision for family holidays only is decided by his DD and he won’t get much say!

italiancortado · 21/02/2018 19:30

I would go away with out her every other time. She has another parent.

That's such a shame. All that tells her is that she is less important because her parents are separated.

Oswin · 21/02/2018 19:33

Would he not agree to a long weekend alone. It would be one thing if it was including other children but it would be an adult holiday. As long as it doesn't affect contact or mean he can't take her on holiday that year then it's really not a big deal.

Faithless12 · 21/02/2018 19:38

Italiancortado, I thought that and also thought that her mum might not be able to afford to take her away as bringing up a child alone is hard.

Pleasebeafleabite · 21/02/2018 19:43

I personally always feel guilty at more than a long weekend away without my ds. Not really a step thing it’s just my personal feeling

Lonesurvivor · 21/02/2018 19:49

No your not wrong just to want a holiday for the two of you. He's not wrong either for wanting to bring his daughter on an annual holiday and it sounds like ye have had some fab ones.
Once you can afford two holidays I don't see why this shouldn't happen. Why won't your partner compromise, why does he think you should do all the compromising?

NorthernSpirit · 21/02/2018 20:34

I’m a SM and my OH and I go away without the kids. We do a week in the winter and a week in the summer, together on our own.

The kids do a week abroad with their dad on their own with him, we take them abroad for a week together and in addition they do a week away with their mum (so I don’t think they do too badly).

I’m not from the school - kids come first. Everyone is equal.

Do what’s best for you.

phoenixtherabbit · 21/02/2018 20:35

italian no it doesn't it tells her that sometimes adults want time alone and that she has another parent who she can soend time with.

phoenixtherabbit · 21/02/2018 20:37

faithless big generalisation there

gingergenius · 21/02/2018 20:49

It’s important to get time as a couple IMO.

But if they only have DSD eow, surely the op does get time alone as a couple with her OH?

and they could go for a break over a weekend when they DON'T have DSD? As long as it doesn't deprive DSD of a holiday with her dad, I don't see the problem.

Or am I missing something?

Justoneme · 21/02/2018 21:10

Are you Kidding?

Your DP won't go on holiday anymore without his DD?

That would be enough for me to say goodbye... he isn't thinking about your needs at all.

WhiteCat1704 · 21/02/2018 21:11

So you go as a 3 or he will just take her but the two of you don't go as a couple? Thats crap. You have taken his DD on he should appreciate you and WANT to spend time alone with you without a child around.
He is not fair to you...

I speak as a SM and a mother. We go on holidays together with SD and DS and whenever we can we go as a couple. My DS is very young co we are restricted by grandparents agreeing to babysit but we managed few long weekends so far..There is no way we would be taking a SD on a couples get away..

phoenixtherabbit · 21/02/2018 21:25

ginger dp doesn't want to go at all without her does he?

YellowMakesMeSmile · 21/02/2018 22:07

You only have her two days out of fourteen so you get twelve days a fortnight of couple time.

I don't blame him for not wanting to include his child in a holiday, we don't holiday without ours as we are a family so don't leave part of the family behind.

phoenixtherabbit · 21/02/2018 22:27

What if op wants couple time somewhere else? That's not unreasonable!

Winosaurus · 21/02/2018 23:59

If you can afford two holidays - if he can only afford one holiday a year then he is not BU. If he can afford one on your own as a couple and one with DSC then he is BU to expect to invite her every time because you need time on your own. In fact I think (if finances permit) it is essential you have relaxation time on your own - it’s one week a year! I say that as both a full time mum and SM!
You go on holiday to escape the normal stresses of everyday life... as PP have said you may well have 12 out of 14 days together if he is having EOW access but it’s not the same as relaxing on a beach in the sunshine without work / home life worries.
It is different when you’re a step or blended family and in any healthy relationship you need to take time to nurture your own relationship away from the kids.
I have 2 DCs and my DP has 2 DCs... if we didn’t have the occasional break on our own to remind ourselves of why we fell in love I think our relationship would suffer.
The foundation of any happy home is a happy parental relationship. As long as your week away is addition to a week with SC then I think there is no issue - it is actually very important.

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user1486915549 · 22/02/2018 07:02

If my DH never wanted to go on holiday with me I would be questioning the relationship.
We always did a mix , me and DH , DH and DSD and all of us. All of us was less frequent than the other 2 options , mainly because I had much less annual leave than DH.
Step children often do well with holidays , getting one with each parent/ family. ( my DSD happily admits this )
Your DH May be worried about the cost but it sounds not to be the issue based on your last 2 foreign holidays. In years when we were strapped for cash we had cheap and cheerful uk holidays. Is your DH trying to give his DD holidays he can’t really afford ? I remember times when we had to reign in the wildly unaffordable holiday desires of DSD when she was younger 😂

swingofthings · 22/02/2018 07:06

Guilty why? If you are fortunate to be well off enough to enjoy holidays together and separately, then what's wrong with that? Would you be fine with him going away with his daughter only if she asked for it (might not want to) and again it could be afforded? If so, then why not suggest that he does that and go away with you without her too.

WhiteCat1704 · 22/02/2018 07:53

Sound in the first post like he has taken his DD to Euro Disney without the OP already.

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