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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

Wanting to pull my hair out please help

18 replies

FandH · 21/02/2018 01:55

Hello this might be a bit of a rant but also a cry for help.
I have been with my fiance for nearly 5 years he has 3 chn and we have 2 together. He has no contact with his ex with all conversation coming through his parents. My partner has some mental health issue so the house hold can be very stressful at times. Recently his son 12 has decided not to come to the house anymore but still expects B-Day and Xmas presents from us. His son has always been up and down trying to cause arguments between my fiance and I. Now his youngest daughter has started to say she doesn't want to come and causing arguments. She struggles with rules at our house as she has non at home. All we ask is she drinks water, brush teeth brush hair all things I see as normal. We offer oppertunity for pocket money for helping around the house but she thinks it's unfair but wants the money. Last weekend she was very rude and threw major tantrums. I'm finding it difficult to cope with all her issues plus my 2 one which is 10weeks. Any advice thanks

OP posts:

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Itsbecauseimaleo · 21/02/2018 02:14

Is there any way you could liaise with your partners parents? Perhaps they can sit his kids down and tell them they need to follow rules/ be respectful? Sounds like a tricky situation, you have my sympathy

FandH · 21/02/2018 02:59

They do speak to the kids but it's such a shit situation. The kids are used as a tool by there mum. She sends them to our house saying they have to go to know there dad on our weekend and ship them to her parents other weekend as she works weekends rather then telling them she's not home and if she has any issues with my partners parents like they won't give her money or help when she demands she won't let the kids go to their house so I think they try to keep the piece it's so fustrating
The main issue is she has told the kids they have to come to our house which makes them hate us rather then I'm not at home I have to work. The kids have no idea where there gonna be from one day to the next. The only stability they have is school if they go and our house every other weekend. It makes us so upset but nothing we can do

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J888 · 21/02/2018 03:08

Something similar happened to my friend and her step daughter throwing major tantrums over reasonable things eg brushing teeth. She found the best solution, without having the other parent on board, was to tell the child that if they didn’t brush their teeth/put their things away then she / her partner would do it for the child. Child didn’t like this as it lost her control and got the task done - it took a count to ten but the teeth got brushed and the toys were put away. Things did improve using this method.

Ideally though the mum is involved. Poor kids must feel a bit confused! Hope above helps in some way x

swingofthings · 21/02/2018 07:16

The main issue is she has told the kids they have to come to our house which makes them hate us rather then I'm not at home I have to work.
That's not what makes them hate you. Surely their dad can just tell them that their mum works, but the issue really is why they don't want to come to you any longer. You can blame the rules, but it is likely that there are more reasons for it.

Your OH needs to take them out of the house and listen to what they are not happy coming to your house. My DS has decided to stop going to his dad's house and it has absolutely nothing to do with me nor any rules but all to do with the fact that he feels he has no bond with his dad because his dad never gave him much individual attention, and he is very bored when he is there as they never do anything or interact much. He has no private space there so can't even retreat quietly away from the younger children.

I 'warned' his dad for years that unless he got more involved in his son's life, he was at risk that one day he wouldn't want to go to see him. He ignored me and said that our son had to accept his new family set up. Of course now he is crying and asking what he's done wrong. I've tried to speak with my son, encouraged him to speak to his dad, but they've never really 'talked' so this would feel awkward to him and he doesn't want to do it. It's very sad, but I'm angry with my ex because he spent years pretending that all was fine when I could very much see this coming.

No point in putting all the blame on the ex, the reality is that at this time, your SC don't want to come to you and that's what needs to be tackled before it's too late.

FandH · 21/02/2018 10:01

Thanks for feedback. We tell the kids mum works and they still get angry about wanting to be at home even though they can't be. The ex doesn't say I'm not at hope sorry you can go to dads or grandparent she tell younger one 8 that she has to go even though we have said if she doesn't want to come we don't want to make her. All the kids get one on one time with their dad but that doesn't seem enough for Miss 8. Miss 11 is happy just being around us. For us rules are a big issue and so is stuff the mum keeps saying

OP posts:

lunar1 · 21/02/2018 10:31

Where does your husband think his children are supposed to go while their mum works if he doesn't want to make them visit him or their grandparents?

FandH · 21/02/2018 10:51

No I think I've written it wrong or you have miss understood. The issue is the kids are made to visit this causes tantrums as they would rather stay at home as they aren't often at home due to mum working. We are happy for them to not visit we will miss them but we would rather not see them for a fortnight then them hate us because they had to come over.

OP posts:

FandH · 21/02/2018 10:55

My main issue is the kids are not told they are coming because mums working but that they can't choose yet the older son can choose.

OP posts:

swingofthings · 21/02/2018 18:02

This makes no sense. They know they have to come because their mum works. What do you want her to tell them 'sorry, it's not your father is causing problems because he would be more than happy for you not to go and see them, but it's all my fault because I have to work week-ends and therefore it's me you should be angry at for forcing you to go?

Most nrps complain that their exes don't force, or at least encourage their kids to go to see them when the kids say that don't want to go. Here is one who actually says to the kids they have to go and the father is not happy! Can't win but then it sounds like another case of 'let's try to put the blame of everything going wrong on the ex'

jaimelannistersgoldenhand · 21/02/2018 18:23

Usually people on here say that it's best to tell the kids that they have to go to Dad's house (unless there's a serious reason why they can't). Sometimes kids have to do stuff that they don't want to do like go to school.
If kids are allowed to skip going to Dad's, there's a chance that they won't return - out of sight, out of mind. Would that be ok- I think not.

A lot of children become "difficult" as a result of a new sibling. Has the behaviour worsened since then?

jaimelannistersgoldenhand · 21/02/2018 18:29

Find out more about why they don't want to go to yours. Is your house far away? Do they miss parties and other social activities because they see Dad? Is it general pre-teen laziness? Do they get on with your kids?

FandH · 21/02/2018 21:23

If the kids have said they don't want to go to their dads house for what ever reason and can go to your parents house instead wouldn't you do that so the kids are happy that's my point. I guess on forums you can't always give all the back ground infomation. Due to making the kids come when they didn't want to has caused one child not to visit. Guess I should use it to vent on issues the ex doesn't have any control of or anything to do with

OP posts:

lunar1 · 21/02/2018 22:24

A mum posting on here that she was so dismissive of her children's relationship with their dad would (rightly) be roasted.

It honestly sounds like things would be easier for you if his children stopped coming.

FandH · 22/02/2018 00:19

Not at all

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Coyoacan · 22/02/2018 05:27

All children can be difficult at times, it is not necessarily because they are not at their mum's. And no child likes rules. As someone said, maybe they have to miss time with their friends or parties because they are visiting their dad.

swingofthings · 22/02/2018 07:04

Due to making the kids come when they didn't want to has caused one child not to visit
So are you saying that if she didn't make them come, they would then do so? Of course not, if they don't want to come and they are not forced to, they will stop to do so all together. Could it be that this what would suit you because then you wouldn't have to deal with stroppy teenagers? Understandable, but what about your OH? Is he ok to forget about his first children because he's got new ones to focus on now?

Coyoacan · 22/02/2018 14:59

"So are you saying that if she didn't make them come, they would then do so?"

I think this is the OP's contorted way of trying to put the blame for the children not wanting to come on the ex-wife.

My dgd didn't originally want to stay with me when her mother started going out to work, but now she loves it even though she has no choice.

SandyY2K · 23/02/2018 11:18

Put aside their mother working...why is it that they don't want to spend time with their dad?

Sometimes even when the couple were together...the dad is do uninvolved in their lives and takes little interest in actually knowing his own children. They often did very little parenting when they were together, so suddenly telling them what to do must be rather alien to them.

This is why children don't feel so fussed not seeing their dads in these situations.

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