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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

Step Children and Ex husband

16 replies

RunkidsKID · 15/02/2018 14:40

My ex is not keen on spending money on anyone but himself. When we split his eldest daughter wanted to live with me and I had not issue with that. I treat her exactly like I treat my biological children.
So birthdays and Christmas he spends hardly any money on them and no effort.
Now I am in that place where I am forking out hundreds because he won't put his hand in his pocket even on the step daughter that lives with her dad because I feel really bad for her.
It gets me down because I have other things I need to pay for. Advice Please

OP posts:

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AnneLovesGilbert · 15/02/2018 14:44

What sort of advice are you after? It doesn't sound like he'll start paying for things if he hasn't in the past and knows you will.

RunkidsKID · 15/02/2018 14:49

I suggested I pay for the children that live with me ( I also have an elder daughter and two grandchildren I went to spoil who are my biological family) but he still spends nothing on his dd and that makes me feel bad and i know
she feels like he doesn't care.

OP posts:

ivykaty44 · 15/02/2018 14:51

You have to spend on the children that matter to you what you want. You can only be responsible for your actions not his

Do you claim maintenance for his daughter?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 15/02/2018 14:54

Sorry OP, I'm confused. So one of his daughters lives with you and one lives with him? But you still spend give her money? Or you give it to him (for his child with another woman) ?

I assume he buys her food and essentials? Otherwise surely that's neglect. How much are you talking about per month? Or is to more things like make-up/jewellery/electronics?

Suggest you limit your hand-outs to be honest if you can't afford it. Doesn't sound as if he's going to change.

RunkidsKID · 15/02/2018 15:06

I don't claim or ask for any money off him and I don't give him any.
He is a selfish man who will spend hundreds on himself and minimal on his children.
I'm a big fan of treating all children the same and I have standards and I want the children to be happy.
I don't want the dd who lives with him to be left out because he is so tight.

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GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 15/02/2018 15:09

Well, it's up to you how much you 'fork out' but surely 'hundreds' is going a bit overboard? Could you give us an example of something she would have to go without if it wasn't for you stepping in?

RunkidsKID · 15/02/2018 15:16

Yes I can not a lot for Christmas or birthdays no extra treats no nice new clothes. I was spoilt on birthdays and Christmas and that's how I treat my children nothing over board either.
He doesn't even spend time with her doing things she likes and no 100's is not overboard if I don't buy it grandma does. It seems he has been like this with the girls mum who had nothing he gave her the bare minimum to look after the girls in the end she walked away.

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GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 15/02/2018 15:24

Well, it's very nice and generous of you to make sure she doesn't miss out, but that is entirely your choice. No-one is making you do it, and you can't force him to spend more than he does, even if he is an old miser.

What about the girls' Mum? Does she contribute at all?

lunar1 · 15/02/2018 15:35

Your the type of person who has taken in a step daughter you had no obligation towards. You're not exactly going to be the type of person who is happy to exclude the last child when it comes to gifts.

Divide your resources between the other dsd as well for Christmas and birthdays, but don't get yourself into debt. Everyone will get slightly less but you will have a clear conscience.

You are doing a lovely thing and if more people were like you the world would be a better place.

RunkidsKID · 15/02/2018 16:13

Thank you Lunar1.
GreenFingersWouldbehandy no mum walked away 2 years ago not been seen since another reason why I can't just walk away,pays maintenance to the girls dad he keeps that it's only £16 pound a week anyway.
I just want him to be a better dad and think about others more than himself.
I have a conscience and it may not be my obligation but it bothers me.

OP posts:

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 15/02/2018 16:21

Her Mum just walked out on her? Poor kid. She is lucky to have you in her life, sounds like you're the only one that cares about her. Good on you.

NorthernSpirit · 15/02/2018 19:13

You sound a wounderful and kind lady. Can’t offer any advice, just wanted to say.

RunkidsKID · 15/02/2018 21:22

Thank you ladies

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Oswin · 16/02/2018 14:11

You really need to claim maintenance from him, it's not fair on you or the children living with you for him to be able to walk away from his financial responsibilities.

SandyY2K · 16/02/2018 18:01

Can I say how remarkable you are for taking on his DD. She obviously knew you were the best person to live with.

I'm sure she'll always be glad to have a 'mum's who stepped in when her own mum walked away and her dad is a poor excuse for a parent.

RunkidsKID · 16/02/2018 19:03

I would of had his other daughter to but there are a lot of other difficulties with her but we are getting there, she has been with me all week and it has been good. No child should be without parents.

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