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Cant cope with autistic step child

(160 Posts)
India27 Tue 13-Feb-18 16:11:59

Im a step mum to an autistic child who is seven, his mum has had him took off her by socail services and his dad has full custody, so we all live together and I also have my own son who is eleven. We have all lived together for a year now and I wasn't prepared for this situation at all, it don't matter what I do his child hates me and my son, hes horrible to me and my son and has hit my son for no reason and his excuse is its because of his mum, he also does this when his dad is not around, his dad works full time and I pick him up from school, nearly every day the teacher calls me in because of his behaviour towards staff and children if he doesn't stop this behaviour the teacher cant have him in the class and hes got to work in a room alone, he gets chucked out of clubs, so its not just me and my son hes horrible to, ive have done and do my best for his child and all I get is hatred back, he also lies about me and he seems happy when hes causing drama, what I cant take is him being mean to my son for no reason, he gets frustrated because my son is naturally good at sports and when he tries he struggles and takes it out on my son, which is not fare, autistic or not there is no excuse to hit out at another child, I have to put my son first, he broke down to me the other day just before he went to stay at his dads, my son said he cant cope with my step sons behaviour and dose not want to come home from school because of him, hes still at his dads and before he comes home im going to leave this situation and move bk with my parents untill I sort everything out, I do love my partner but I have to put my sons happiness and well being before mine, I have had a cancer scare and it has made me wake up, you gotta put yr own first, there is nothing wrong with that. No one can judge this situation until you have lived it, people say there only a child but were all only human and there only so much you can take wether its a child or adult acting this way. Im going to tell his dad this week that im leaving because its not fare on my son and that I also struggle with his sons behaviour and hatred, im not gonna feel guilty because its the truth, hes still abit in denial of his sons behaviour, which hasn't helped, he already knows that im struggling, im very honest with him, he thinks that in over reacting and says hes only a child, I never imagined that a seven year old child can turn your life up side down cause if he was still with his mum I would stay here, but that is never going to happen, this is his final destination and my son and i cant cope with the outbursts, holidays, days out wether hes being good or bad hes always has to be centre of attention and trys to ruin the day, im making the right choice for my son he will never have to endure his hatred again, disability or not.

DonnyAndVladSittingInATree Tue 13-Feb-18 16:14:19

You’re making the right decision. Don’t delay it.

Spartasprout Tue 13-Feb-18 16:16:33

You're right to put your son first.

Greensleeves Tue 13-Feb-18 16:16:33

Good call. Leave, now.

Greensleeves Tue 13-Feb-18 16:18:02

he doesn't "try to ruin" days out by the way, and his behaviour is not "hatred". He's a very mixed up little boy who also has autism, which you clearly know jack shit about.

He deserves better.

Fairylea Tue 13-Feb-18 16:19:58

If you can’t cope you can’t cope but I do feel sorry for the young child - especially having a child of my own who has severe autism and goes to an autism specific school (he is 6). Someone needs to be tackling things head on and applying for an ehcp and making sure he is getting the right help and support in school - this would help things at home. If you or his dad haven’t already I would recommend a visit to the national autistic society website and immerse yourself in trying to understand how he is feeling and why he is behaving the way he is.

Fairylea Tue 13-Feb-18 16:21:38

For example, he may find school and clubs too busy - crowded, noisy, demanding etc - which can cause a meltdown - very different to a tantrum. So you need to change your expectations and things you do with him.

SuperLoudPoppingAction Tue 13-Feb-18 16:21:57

He sounds like he's under an awful lot of stress. It must be really hard for him.
Working in a separate room is a really good adaptation for someone with sensory issues. I hope the teacher is able to frame that in a positive way for him.
If you and your son are leaving, will you be alerting the school to his forthcoming change of circumstances? It's obviously not your concern who picks him up from school while his dad is working, but the school might want to watch out for increased levels of distress etc and might want to know about any new caregivers.

Sirzy Tue 13-Feb-18 16:22:11

Poor child needs help not hatred.

I am not saying your wrong for leaving, it sounds like it is best for everyone but I feel so sorry for the poor little boy who is so obviously struggling to deal with life

Colette Tue 13-Feb-18 16:22:25

That's a bit harsh Greensleeves !

SuperLoudPoppingAction Tue 13-Feb-18 16:23:11

It's bang-on, Colette - honestly.

Fairylea Tue 13-Feb-18 16:23:22

www.autism.org.uk/about/behaviour.aspx

Sirzy Tue 13-Feb-18 16:23:34

It’s not harsh at all.

Karigan1 Tue 13-Feb-18 16:23:37

I can’t possibly imagine how you just be feeling right now but just wanted to say how much I admire you for putting your son first and doing this.

Greensleeves Tue 13-Feb-18 16:26:56

Sorry. Bad day. Listen to Fairylea and SuperPopping, their advice is much better.

The level of dislike - adult dislike - in the OP made me knee-jerk, I'm afraid. This kid has lost his mother, his stepmother loathes him, his dad hasn't got time for him, nobody's addressing his autism - which is EVERYTHING, you can't understand anything about him if you're vague about what autism is - and your own son is lorded over him as the one who is well-behaved and good at sport. This little boy sounds miserable. Honestly, I don't wish to be unkind, but I think OP should leave.

DonnyAndVladSittingInATree Tue 13-Feb-18 16:27:41

BTW his dad needs to step the fuck up. It shouldn’t be you who has only been on the scene a year dealing with teachers and reports of behaviour. It has to be his parent. This child is struggling in his environment. This isn’t just naughty behaviour that requires a report to the parent, it requires parent and teacher sitting down with SENCO and working out strategies to reduce his anxiety and meltdowns. I assume Dad works so you are babysitter but it’s not actually good enough when the child has a disability that is causing severe problems. I had to give up my job because dealing with my son and his school became a daily occurrence and it needed me to be there. Not hearing about it from someone else.

LittleLights Tue 13-Feb-18 16:30:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MotherofTerriers Tue 13-Feb-18 16:32:41

I hope you get a warm welcome at your parents and the move works out well for you. Your son shouldn't be dreading coming home. Whilst I too feel terribly sorry for the little boy with autism, it seems very unfair for posters to have a pop at the OP for admitting this isn't something she can cope with, when actually its the dad who needs to step up and support his child. Perhaps the OP leaving will be the catalyst that makes the dad face up to his child's problems and more support can be given.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha Tue 13-Feb-18 16:35:33

It probably is best if you leave, to be honest.

It sounds as if the child's father is in denial about his son's needs, and passing responsibility to you to deal with his school etc. You evidently don't have the knowledge or skills required (and why should you?), and both children are suffering. If you leave, there is at least some chance your DP will have to step up and look after his son.

swingofthings Tue 13-Feb-18 16:50:13

You're making the right decision. Your priority should be your own child and if you've reached the point you know you can't cope, you won't be any good for that child anyway, so you might at least be a good mum to your own child.

Would you partner still consider a relationship with you, but leaving separately? Could this work? Your OH will most likely feel like his world is falling apart if indeed, he has to take time of work or even give it up to care for his child, but that's his responsibility since the mother has defaulted.

It's tough on anyone but you are right that you shouldn't feel guilty. You gave it a try, you can't do it anymore.

Worldsworstcook Tue 13-Feb-18 16:56:40

@greensleeves

I'm with you. The poor mite is in limbo. School aren't helping him, his father's in denial and the home environment, the place he needs to feel safe and comforting, isn't providing the help he needs.

It's not your fault OP, he's been abandoned and has issues but he needs his dad to sort it. You need to put your DS first as your DP needs to put his son first.

Gaelach Tue 13-Feb-18 17:02:13

What a difficult situation OP. You are 100% right to leave and make sure your DS is in an environment where he is safe.

GlassHalfFullOfWee Tue 13-Feb-18 17:05:03

He deserves better.

He deserves better from his actual parents @Greensleeves. Sounds like OP is doing all the parenting on her own.

Greensleeves Tue 13-Feb-18 18:07:15

It sounds to me like she is not "doing all the parenting". She is doing all the resenting, blaming and disliking of a 7yo child with SEN who has no choice about his caregiver or anything else in his life.

That is why I think she should leave. The whole set-up is a clusterfuck and this little boy is at the centre of it, crying out to have his needs met by someone who cares enough to find out what autism is and how it is affecting him. Hell yes, his parents have failed him. OP isn't helping and needs to admit she's in over her head and leave.

ObscuredbyFog Tue 13-Feb-18 18:38:05

Poor little boy.

He needs someone who can understand him at home and liase with school to have plenty interventions put into place.

For him, it's like living in a weird universe where all the people who are supposed to take care of him speak a different language and the harder he tries, the further they push him away.

By all means leave OP, but before you go, try and get that lost little lad some help from his father and his school. He needs someone to understand his needs and he needs help to navigate this world. sad

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