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To expect someone to deal with this?

(93 Posts)
MrsMaxwell Sun 11-Feb-18 19:34:58

I love my step daughters. They are 11 and 13 and they come EOW and school holidays.

Home life for them is not great and we are in a very complicated situation - my husband lives in the town they live in during the week (so sees them, picks them up from school etc) and then comes back here weekends.

DSD1 is 13 and still wets the bed. I find this hard as I hate watching her struggle, she can’t go on sleepovers/residentials, the washing is a PITA and I feel frustrated that even though OH got her an appt at the specialist at the hospital her mum didn’t take her.

We never tell her off for wetting the bed and she is quite open with us about it. I know at home she gets told off and she hides it.

She wet the bed this weekend and unbeknown to us had taken two silk cushions off the sofa and put them under her two pillows (she can and knows she can have as many pillows as she wants) and these got soaked with wee. Rather than telling us so we could wash them with the bedding she just put them back on the leather sofa and her sister sat in them and realised she was getting wet and also stank of wee, as does the sofa.

I feel so bloody disappointed with her that she did that - it’s so disgusting, and there was absolutely no need. I have had to throw the cushions out as they are feather.

I know the issue here is the bed wetting and I think my frustration is probably really about that. DH has offered to take her back to the GP this week which has been rebuffed by his ex who says she never does it at home which I find really difficult to believe.

MrsMaxwell Sun 11-Feb-18 19:54:37

Sorry I think I just needed a rant.

It’s an emotional issue for her and I get that but to to that in the house is grim.

Their mum does not encourage hygiene at all. angry

Caramelchomp Sun 11-Feb-18 20:35:02

You sound very caring and loving. I would say your reaction is pretty normal but I think she feels embarrassed and ashamed and that's why she hid the cushions. She might also be worrying that you are getting tired of the bed wetting and she is probably feeling insecure. I think you can only reassure but make sure she knows that it's ok to tell you when she gas wet herself and that you won't be cross.

WhatWouldLeslieKnopeDo Sun 11-Feb-18 20:44:02

How did the wee get on the pillows?! confused

You sound very kind. Can her dad not take her to appointments as he's there during the week? Obviously you can't rely on her mum's support with this.

MrsMaxwell Sun 11-Feb-18 21:17:31

Yes he has offered to but her mum says no and she has moved that many times he doesn’t know where the GP surgery is

Snowydaysarehere Sun 11-Feb-18 21:19:37

I would contact the school for support. It won't look good for her dm if she misses an appointment that school know about. And if she continues to ignore the issue I would see a solicitor.

MrsMaxwell Sun 11-Feb-18 21:30:19

She’s in yr 8 though school aren’t that overly involved in medical stuff now.

WhatWouldLeslieKnopeDo Sun 11-Feb-18 21:31:48

Doesn't she know where her GP surgery is?

MrsMaxwell Sun 11-Feb-18 21:49:08

No hmm

MrsMaxwell Sun 11-Feb-18 21:49:43

Which suggests she hasn’t been in a while. They haven’t been to the dentist in about 5 years.

OliviaBenson Sun 11-Feb-18 21:50:37

Could you register her with a GP near you? This is actually quite neglectful. I would try and get the school onboard as well. Poor girl.

OliviaBenson Sun 11-Feb-18 21:51:02

And do the same with the Dentist.

WhatWouldLeslieKnopeDo Sun 11-Feb-18 21:52:42

Not sure why the hmm as I was only trying to be helpful. Never mind.

I hope that you find a solution and that she gets the help she needs flowers

OutyMcOutface Sun 11-Feb-18 21:53:37

Could your DP maybe try to get full custody. Not taking children to necessary medical appointments seems neglectful.

WhatWouldLeslieKnopeDo Sun 11-Feb-18 21:53:46

Ah sorry I misinterpreted the face blush could she not just ask her Mum though? Does she actually want to see the doctor? Maybe she needs to ask her Mum herself.

lunar1 Sun 11-Feb-18 22:10:34

Can't your partner take her to a dentist if she hasn't been in 5 years? confused

PerfectPenquins Sun 11-Feb-18 22:29:04

There’s no reason why in five years your oh couldn’t have taken his daughters to the dentist if Mum won’t do it why hasn’t he?
Your husband lives in the same town so why dosnt he register them at a drs? Or ask the Mum again? If he made a previous Apointment why didn’t he take her? He doesn’t need mums permission if he has PR. Sounds like both parents need a good shake.

MrsMaxwell Sun 11-Feb-18 22:49:07

He is in the forces and goes away at short notice. He has registered them at three dentists, one here where we could not get an appt when they were here, the second he got them an appt at and she said she would take them, didn’t and got de registerd and the third he was going to drive them 30 miles to but it went bust.

He has tried.

MrsMaxwell Sun 11-Feb-18 22:51:19

He has had special permission this be based there. He is normally 600 miles away.

IntoTheFloodAgain Sun 11-Feb-18 22:53:55

Have you posted about this before op? It sounds familiar, particularly your last updates.

PerfectPenquins Sun 11-Feb-18 22:56:47

I’m sorry to be harsh but if Mum isn’t going to step up then he really must. He is their dad three attempts in five years for the dentist? Come on he knew his ex wouldn’t take them so why leave it to her that time? Why didn’t he just say no that’s fine don’t worry il take them? Also the Apointment for his daughter with continence issues why didn’t he take her knowing Mum isn’t reliable? He needs to think Mum isn’t going to do this so I will. No excuses just do it for their sake.

lunar1 Sun 11-Feb-18 22:59:56

The poor girl stands no chance in life, she has two parents who have better things to do than parent her. If your partner wanted to take her to the dentist he would have.

MrsMaxwell Sun 11-Feb-18 23:13:32

He is in the Navy he goes away for long periods of time - a lot.

lunar1 Mon 12-Feb-18 08:41:16

So there are no days off or leave when you are in the navy? Or is it just a blanket excuse not to parent a child?

TwoDots Mon 12-Feb-18 12:36:25

Jesus Lunar shock

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