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Partner doesn’t want more kids

(5 Posts)
Hcross92 Mon 05-Feb-18 21:44:02

My partner has 2 children from a previous relationship, I have one.

He has confirmed he doesn’t want any more and I long for another so badly. I love my partner and know I want to stay with him. We have a great life apart from that nagging feeling I want one more to complete our family. How do I get over the fact I will never have more without resenting him

AnneLovesGilbert Tue 06-Feb-18 01:06:47

When you say he’s confirmed it, do you mean he’s always said he wouldn’t more and you’ve revisited it to check he hasn’t changed his mind and that’s what he’s done? If so, at least he’s been honest with you.

It’s one of life’s non negotiable. If you really want the opportunity to have another child, you need to end the relationship. Depending on how strongly you want it, if you stay knowing it won’t happen with him you’ll regret it and resent him which could end the relationship anyway.

If he said he’d consider it and has changed his mind that’s harder for you in a way, but the person who doesn’t want any/more always trumps the one who does.

Either way you don’t yourself in a tricky position so I think the future of you being together depends on whether you feel you’re likely to change your mind and embrace what you’ve got, or whether your desire for another baby is stronger than your feelings for him.

How old are all the children now?

swingofthings Tue 06-Feb-18 07:08:46

Hcross, I've been there. Initially, he was keen to have a child too, but things happened, and one day, he confessed that he wasn't sure any longer, and then that he had changed his mind, for reasons that although I didn't share, I could understand.

I didn't make myself 'get over it', it happened naturally over time. I went from not being able to look at a baby as the longing was tearing my heart out, to genuinely looking at a baby and feeling a massive relief that it wasn't mine. It did take some time time though.

The two factors that helped the transition is firstly that I suddenly became much more tired. The demand of my work increased significantly, and I found that although my kids were becoming more independent, looking after them became more emotionally demanding. I would wake up at night or early morning and imagined having to get up to look after a crying baby rather than turning to the other side and getting back to sleep and that certainly put me off!

The other factor is that with my children becoming more independent, I also rediscovered the joy of my own independence. To ease the emotional pain, I decided I needed to focus my boiling inner energy into something else, so I took up competitive sport. It really worked as I found the more I progressed, the more hooked I was. I also used my disposable income on very nice holidays, that would have been half as much fun with a baby to look after, which in any case, we wouldn't have been able to afford if we'd had a baby as the money would have gone on childcare, or reducing my working hours.

It became a case of 'if I had a baby, I wouldn't be able to take part of these activities' which had become a big part of my life and happiness.

During that time, I also open my eyes to the fact that even though I knew my DH would have loved any 'accident', he really would have found it hard to take on the responsibility of being a parent, and that would have probably led to stress and resentment in our relationship, a likely unspoken 'you were the one who wanted the baby'.

I am now sooooooo relieved that it never happened, I really am. I can't imagine myself with a 5yo, the idea of it makes me shiver! When I see mums my age with young kids, my first thought is to feel sorry for them, even though I know they must be very happy.

I say all this because you seem to have already decided that leaving him is not something you are considering, so it's very much about accepting not having another child.

WashingMatilda Tue 06-Feb-18 17:02:36

I hear you OP, that must be really hard.
My DP has four children and they are wonderful. Obviously one of the first things we spoke about when we got together was if he wanted more.
He has said continuously that he does. I don't know what I'd do if that were to change, I think I would probably have to leave, as much as it would break me

I also wonder how I would feel if I discovered I couldn't have children, again I think I'd really struggle.

Only you know what decision you can make.
Ultimately if he is absolutely adamant then there isn't a lot you can do.
It's unlikely the relationship will ever be totally the same, and you're right that resentment could build and build and neither of you deserve that.

I would suggest giving it 6 months or so and seeing how you go. Don't make any rash decisions yet and try to imagine how you would feel if you never got the chance.

The1975 Sat 10-Feb-18 21:45:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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