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Really bloody awful ex(17 Posts)
So I have been with DP 4 years and he has a 5 year old son who stays with us 6/14 nights and half of school holidays. My relationship with DSS is generally very good. It's been a rocky road but I feel like we're in a good place.
DP is currently going through a custody battle with his ex. She wants to cut down the time he is here to every other weekend and then every other wednesday, which is just so drastic, and we are going for exactly 50/50 so just a day more a week. She is a vile narcissist who accuses him of emotional abuse and aggressive behaviour and has reported him to the police in the past because of 'harrassment' (so ridiculous, and the police basically told her to stop wasting their bloody time) He is the kindest, most gentle man you could ever meet. I have never in 4 years heard him raise his voice and have witnessed all of his interactions with his ex. It's text book projection on her behalf. She has severe mental health problems and says that it is all caused by DP. I also suffer with mental health problems and DP is nothing short of incredible. She has told social services that when DSS knows its time to go to daddy's he soils himself and cries hysterically when in truth he never actually wants to go back to hers because he says its boring and all she does is sleep all day.
It all comes to a head on Tuesday with the final hearing, but she can't unsay all of this stuff and she's obviously going to be in our lives forever. The only word I can use for how I feel is heartbroken, because no matter the outcome of Tuesday she has still managed to convince a lot of people that DP is this abusive terrible person who is a bad father. Social Services have obviously done a report and there has been a CAFCASS report and both see that DSS is a happy little boy, but there's still this general feeling that everyone believes her bullshit over DP. She really is playing the victim card and has painted herself out to be this poor woman who has gone through 'so much' with her awful ex but is now 'rising from the ashes' and blah blah blah I mean its almost laughable.
Just so low today. I'm quite a sensitive person and she gets to me in ways I can't even describe. I am just so sad we can't all be one big family and all just be nice to each other. It's been two years of total and complete nastiness and its worn me down. I don't know how I can cope with this anymore : (
The most important thing is that CAFCASS and the other relevant authorities know the truth.
There are many crazy people in the world unfortunately and she sounds like one of them.
What recommendations have CAFCASS made in their reports re contact?
A friend of mine has a close relative going through similar issues with his ex, though fortunately the children are much older. It has also spilt over into affecting her parents with the manipulative and ridiculous accusations too. I think all you can do is hold onto the fact that you know the truth of it, and keep as much contact with your DPs son as you can so that the door is always open for him as a safe and secure place regardless of whatever else happens. It must be extremely confusing for such a young child. I hope it works out ok on Tuesday
The CAFCASS report was awful and our barrister is pretty sure it will be chucked out of court. She suggested 5/14 nights with us and half of the holidays as DP's ex is more 'available' because she is off long term sick with depression. Makes no sense as DP has always been more available (his ex has forgotten to pick DSS up from school a couple of times and is often hours late to handovers in holiday time, both pick up and drop off). The social worker said to DP in the meeting that she thought 50/50 would be perfect for DSS but then reneged on that in the actual report. Very weird, but I've heard they can be like that.
This could get bumpy OP
But hugs from me.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Thanks so much @slightly. You are totally right, at the end of the day as long as DSS is happy I am, and generally he is a very happy little chap. I try my hardest to be nothing but positive about his mum in front of him so I hope he feels nothing is off limits and he can talk about anything he needs to. I'm holding on to the fact that when he is older, no matter what his mum tells him he'll know that his dad is brilliant, because he is such a fab dad.
If the report is recommending similar to the current schedule with a slight alteration based on the mother being at home and available I'm not sure why it will be chucked out of court?
Whatever happens on Tuesday happens, and we have made our peace with that. This isn't really about the court case. I think I was just looking for people in similar situations who have managed to make the best of having a partner with a horrible ex and can shine a ray of hope on me.
It's crap isn't it. I read your post and thought for a moment - are you me? It's amazing how they can pull the wool over everyone's eyes when they need to.
I hope the hearing goes well - I know how scary they are. Hopefully the court will see that they have to find a positive reason for the custody to be rebalanced.
Me - I hate having this negativity in my life. I would love for us to not be insulted / harassed. I would love to not have those moments, when my boyfriend's child tells me something her mum said that does one of breaks my heart, makes me furious or makes me feel ill.
As I have said on posts before in this forum, my survival mechanism is to treat it like a chronic situation. I have no expectation that she will ever change her ways. Not having that hope helps me find ways to cope.
@laloup1 I'm so sorry to hear you're in the same boat, but it's so nice to know I'm not alone! That is a good way of looking at it. The only thing I can do is accept the situation and support DP. And do some deep breathing. And then maybe drink some wine xxx
One night and every other weekend is six nights out of fourteen though? So I’m guessing that your schedule has been different to a night every other week and every other weekend which tbh is fairly standard. 50/50 would equal two nights every week and every other weekend (have been there on a 50/50 amicably agreed schedule) but it looks as if your DP is looking to increase the access significantly whereas she’s only looking to change the schedule which tbh doesn’t sound unreasonable.
WRT her telling SS one thing and you saying something else, that comes across as a bit of power play between your dp and his ex. She’s saying he soils himself, dp is saying he doesn’t want to go back to her, this child is being used as a bit of a tug-of-war between his parents which the courts will not look favourably upon.
And I’d be careful of being made to think that the CAFCASS report will be thrown out of court, what does it say?
Ultimately this woman is going to be in your lives for the duration given she and your DP have a child together. The best way to deal with that is to detach, detach, detach. Not from your DSS which you obviously haven’t, but from the ex. Your DP needs to work out the schedule between them and deal with the visitations/access. Was the previous arrangement court agreed or agreed between them?
@chaos we have him 6 in 14 nights and are looking to up it back to 7. She wants to lower it to 4. So it is the ex that wants to make the drastic change.
DP didn't say that to the SW, it is something I have witnessed him say many times and just shows he is perfectly happy with us. DP was very reasonable with the SW and was careful not to talk badly about his ex so as not to sink to her level.
Everything has been court ordered since this started.
Completely regardless, this post was not really a discussion about the court case more about me struggling with the horrible things she is saying about my partner.
In the grant scheme of things the report isn’t that bad 5 days out of 7 is reasonable.
My ex has midweek and one over night a week. How old is the child in question? Utilmately it’s whats for the benefit of the child not the parents.
Why are you wanting to up by just one night? To EXACTLY 50:50. Wouldn't be anything to do with maintenance would it? (of course it is).
PS it isnt back to 7 nights is it, because the dad never had the child for that time in the first place.
PPS the child was only 1 when you got together with dad according to this thread. Yet you are bitching about mum on here when she was looking after a young baby on her own.
Your posts are so slanted. I imagine CAFCASS saw right through you .
@rosieposies how did you go on Tuesday?