His son makes me not want to try again

[user1490008614]

Hi - a bit of advice please.

OH and I have been on and off for 4 years. He has a 5yo son. We have a 5 month old son. Things have never been smooth sailing when it comes to SS. I was the first relationship after the ex and she hated me right away. Never took the time to get to know me. OH handled it all wrong. SS was used as a weapon - both against me and against her. When they'd fight, he would bring SS around me and we'd all do little family things together. When they would make up, she would tell OH SS is not allowed around me and then SS would be taken away. So building a bond with SS has been impossible from day 1.

OH would also know how I felt about the situation and so whenever we'd argue or I'd do something he didn't like, he would use SS as a weapon again. So he'd go stay over at the exes house (they both swear nothing happened) in order to watch SS, but would never cross that boundary when things were good between us. Would put up social media pictures and statuses saying that his son was the only person who mattered in his life etc. I have done a lot for OH. He's had a rough few years and I've been there for him, letting him live in my house and helping him financially as he's not been working, helping him with his health and mental health problems. But SS has always been an issue. His behaviour is awful and any time I mention anything I get accused of not liking him. He's only warm to his parents; he's really dismissive of anyone else (nan, aunts, uncles, me etc). He's argumentative, a bully, entitled, a thief, rude, and though he's lovely to my baby, it's made him start reverting backwards to get his dad's attention.

Social services are involved as his mother is slack. Forgets dress up days at school. Puts him in after school club every evening despite only working part time. She hands him off to anyone who will have him. I'm the enemy to her always. When I was pregnant, I made a real effort to try to blend families. I moved OH in and allowed him to have SS at mine every other weekend. I made space for his belongings, bought toys. But my house was always treated with no respect (from either of them), I was left doing all the chores, all the cooking, all the discipline and routine while OH just played and played Disney Dad. I was always to blame for everything from SS (broccoli on his plate that OH asked me to put there? My fault. His favourite show missed? My fault). For SS's birthday, I spent a lot of money on his presents but wasn't allowed to come to his party. So I sat at home pregnant and alone with a couple weeks to my due date.

OH and SS have an inseparable bond, which is lovely but very lonely for me. When SS would come over, I'd be made to feel like a stranger in my own home. I always felt like I was intruding if I walked into the living room and they were curled up watching a film together. OH paid no bills either but was happy to feed his son from my fridge, bath him with my water etc, and I allowed it because I wanted to try and have a blended family.

When the baby came, I thought we could all be a family because the baby would join us together. It got worse. OH wouldn't really help with the baby when SS was over and SS would refuse to acknowledge I was the baby's mother and so once more I was made to feel excluded. They'd sit together all curled up and SS would moan if I tried to sit with them. Say things like 'why don't you go to your room so it's just me and daddy and the baby?' I spent ages decorating my spare room into a nursery for the baby (something I've dreamed about for ages). I sent OH a picture of some fold away beds to buy for SS so he had a proper bed instead of the blow up bed he was sleeping on (which I bought otherwise he'd have been on the sofa) and OH never bought it. But then I got called a b*tch by ex for having her son on a blow up bed next to the cot I'd bought for my own son. The room is tiny, it's also MY flat which OH doesn't contribute to, and there's no room for a permanent bed in there hence the fold out bed suggestion. But I'm always to blame.

The last straw came when I asked SS to stop screaming as the baby was asleep. OH blew up and started screaming at me saying I don't like his son. I treat him differently from the way I treat OH's nieces (which is true but that's because his nieces love me and they want to be around me). I asked him to leave because I was sick of the aggravation surrounding his son. He made me pack up all his son's things and send them to him (including the stuff I'd bought which I wanted to keep here for if SS came to visit to see his brother) but OH and his ex tag teamed me, calling me and calling me names and said I'd never be around SS again. So I packed it up.

A few months later and OH is trying to right his wrongs and has been staying a few nights a week to bond with the baby and help me out a bit. He keeps making hints about bringing SS back to stay and how much he loves my parenting style. I've said he's not to bring his son to stay anymore. This is MY house and I'm not being made to feel like an outsider in my own home anymore. I feel like I'm well within my rights to feel this way and keep my distance. OH can bring his son's together to bond but I'm done with it now.

Guess that means there's no hope for me and OH to be together in the future? I don't think I will ever stop feeling this way but some of my friends have relationships where they don't have anything to do with their partners children for similar reasons...

[QuiteLikely5]

In your shoes and in anyone’s shoes I would urge you to live apart until the step children are grown.

The Aggro just isn’t worth it

Children just find the whole thing too much to handle as do their mothers (not all)

Your ex also is not worth the aggro either.

He has used you in every way possible

[GlitterGlassEye]

Bin him. Sorry to be so blunt but you’ll be dealing with this for years to come.

[newyearsameme80]

No idea why you think a little kid is the problem in all this. Your problem is your dp/ex dp, and no that doesn’t sound like it is ever going to work.

[ijustwannadance]

Why in earth would you even want to be with this cocklodger?!

He clearly has no respect for you. He is the problem, not DSS.

Why wasn't he paying his way?

[AaronPurrSir]

Social Services are involved because she forgets dress up days and puts her son into after school clubs?!

Besides that, your OH sounds like a waste of space. SS isn't the problem. If you got back with him, I give it a few weeks before he reverts to his old ways.

[GreenFingersWouldBeHandy]

Why are you considering getting back together with him? HE is the problem, not his son! Re-read your post:

he'd go stay over at the exes house (they both swear nothing happened)

I'd be made to feel like a stranger in my own home

But my house was always treated with no respect

I was left doing all the chores, all the cooking, all the discipline and routine while OH just played and played Disney Dad

it's also MY flat which OH doesn't contribute to

OH wouldn't really help with the baby when SS was over

OH and his ex tag teamed me, calling me and calling me names

Seriously, where is your self-esteem? Why would you want to be with this bell-end?

[ButterfliesnWaterfalls]

I'm shocked you're allowing yourself to be treated like this!

Separate from your partner and enjoy being a new mum to your baby.

He sounds like an awful guy. Using you it seems.

[Omgineedanamechange]

There’s no way SS are all nvolved because the ex forgets dress up days and sends him to babysitters often. Secondly, as everyone else has said, none of this is the poor child’s fault, it’s his fathers, and thirdly, you’d better get used to it because even if you split, you now have a son with a man who you know uses his children as weapons.

[NotTreacs]

Your OH and his ex have set you up as the 'baddy', you have no chance of developing a positive relationship with SS.

Get out now, before this toxic atmosphere starts to affect your own child.

[lunar1]

For the sake of both children, you should never get back together. Your DSS has been brought into a completely dysfunctional life style and if this Carrie on your baby will join him.

[sirlee66]

Have you tried contacting the Jeremy Kyle show? They have a lot of support on there and this setup seems like something they would be able to help you with. Good luck.

[Lovely456]

Run for the hills

[LeekSoup]

Fuck that, bin him for good.

[BiologyMatters]

You've made a series of bad choices and now youre going to be stuck with this guy in your life for the next 18 years. seeing how badly he parents his other child, yours could well turn out the same so be careful what language you use to describe a small child as your dc's future stepmum might well say the same about yours. You'd be an absolute fool to let him back in. You need to be on your own and work on your self esteem.

[ElspethFlashman]

You've been a mug, love. Don't let it continue.

[ohreallyohreallyoh]

Grow a pair...seriously. The child is not the issue.
And to echo others, Social Services are not involved because a child is in childcare and a dressing up day is forgotten.

[user1490008614]

Social services are involved due to neglect. If you read above he exhibits very worrying behaviours which the school are concerned about. Add that to her lack of engagement and the fact she’s missing appointments, doesn’t seem to drop him to school or pick him up and it’s worrying.

I’m aware it’s not the SS fault. I didn’t say it was. He’s a product of his environment but his behaviour doesn’t make me want to fight for him. I’m also aware that the main issue here is my OH. Believe me I would not be coming here to ask for help if I was taking the decision to get back together with him lightly. Especially with snarky little comments about going to Jeremy Kyle from someone who probably doesn’t even have their life together. But his health has meant he’s been unable to work or keep a job and trauma from his childhood means he can revert to a child like state when he feels down or attacked - something he’s getting help for finally.

My OH/ex understands he is to blame here but thinks it’s fixable. I however don’t. I want him to be there for our son but I want no involvement with his.

[pollythedolly]

LTB.

[user1490008614]

For those commenting on my self esteem, you need not worry. I actually have an incredibly high self esteem. I’m a very successful career woman, I am attractive, have a lovely home and a good circle of friends and family. I have of course pointed out all the bad points in explanation of why I’m done with being a step parent. Barring not helping financially, the days it’s just us and no SS are perfect. He helps around the house, runs my bath, constant foot and back massages, we have great chemistry, he takes interest in my day, we have a great laugh and bond. Sex is great too. He’s different around his son or to do with his son. The drama with his ex has made his mental health worse too because she’s always weaponising the child too (revoking access, bringing men around him, refusing to allow face time etc). My OH is my best friend but his baggage is what has caused the distance.

[lolaflores]

Carry on then. You seem to have more problems than MN could solve and plenty of reasons why your OH needs you a s why you seem to be the only one able to help.
Other people can only do so much but point out, based on what u have said, that you are walking into a black hole of crazy. Hope u brought your torch

[user1490008614]

What does LTB mean

[GreenFingersWouldBeHandy]

LTB means 'leave the bastard'; standard Mumsnet response.

Not quite sure why you have come on here, asked questions then ignored everyone's replies, but it's your own life. Good luck!

[user1490008614]

@Lola - not once have I said I am the only one able to help. I've simply explained why I've been there for him. But if you hadn't read properly, we are not together now and haven't been since November because of his issues and the problems surrounding his son. It is not an easy decision for me as to walk away for good or try again hence why I've come here -a place known for snotty, pompous, judgemental replies. I'm having sleepless nights about it. My son adores his dad.

What I would like is to hear from people who have been in similar situations or know someone who has. Does it get better? Can it get better? Or will I always feel resentful towards his son and the stress it brings me?

[Pompom42]

It’s a difficult one. I think with the SS it’s his age aswell.
You could let Your OH move back in etc but lay some ground rules down first. You are in your rights to say you don’t want the SS there, especially with his mother badmouthing you I can’t see it ever getting better. You are almost fighting a losing battle.
Could the SS just come round for couple hours just to see his baby brother but not sleep over etc or would you trust Your OH to take the baby out to see his brother otherwise I don’t think they will ever have a bond if they don’t see each other enough you know?

[user1490008614]

@green - I'm answering people's replies. You've assumed he's a standard bastard, so I've explained he does have positives to him. You've assumed I have low self esteem - I've explained that I don't.

Everything else is echos of what my brain is saying and why I left him in the first place. He is adamant he can fix this. My question is, is it possible?