Troublesome step daughter

(74 Posts)
mumtoateenger75 Wed 31-Jan-18 21:12:19

angryangryangryangryangryangryangryangryI need to vent
Does anyone else find being a step mum to a step daughter like your banging your head against a wall
Nothing I do is right and OH does not see my point

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Eddie1940 Wed 31-Jan-18 22:57:10

Yep - it’s hopeless - don t ask me though I m just separating from my husband of 7 years as I can t stand it any longer . Good luck

mumtoateenger75 Wed 31-Jan-18 23:09:33

Oh my god really .... isn't that a shame though what happened with your situation

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NorthernSpirit Wed 31-Jan-18 23:33:22

It’s tough. It’s the mum in my case who is the problem, although I can see the DSD is influenced and maybe even a bit afraid of the mum. So bitter and vitriolic. I feel sick when my OH tells me when she’s been in touch.

swingofthings Thu 01-Feb-18 07:38:57

Nothing I do is right and OH does not see my point
So the issue is that your OH and you don't agree on issues relating to your SD. Maybe what you are doing is right and he's the one who got things wrong, or maybe you're the one whose missing the point, or maybe it's bit of both.

There's no right or wrong, there is a case of talking, explaining, listening and compromising. If you are going to insist that the only way forward is for him to accept that you're right and that he's wrong, you are probably going to hit a wall and there will be no way out.

Eddie1940 Thu 01-Feb-18 07:41:25

Exactly what you said I could nt do anything right for them - never got any thanks and was scapegoated for all issues in family . Teenager girls gave attitude if I ever asked them to do anything . Husband defended them all the time .

mumtoateenger75 Thu 01-Feb-18 17:52:11

Swingofthings you are right
I personally feel that he doesn't stand up to her in fear of losing her
He admitted that it's hard for him to discipline her and tell her when she is wrong as she will not talk to him which is frustrating as she knows that and abuses it

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NorthernSpirit Thu 01-Feb-18 18:17:24

Thats called being a Disney Dad OP. He needs to start setting boundaries - he’s creating a monster.

Gazelda Thu 01-Feb-18 18:19:24

It's not always a bundle of laughs being a step daughter either.
But i sympathise, being a parent is hard enough, but a step parent has extra hurdles to overcome.

Lookatyourwatchnow Thu 01-Feb-18 18:19:51

Yep. All the hard work and no acknowledgement. Unless, of course, the acknowledgement is negative.

greenlanes Thu 01-Feb-18 18:34:35

So Eddie1940 a husband issue, not necessarily a stepchild issue.

But sorry that is rough.

Lovemusic33 Thu 01-Feb-18 18:38:26

This happens a lot and it’s the reason I would never get with someone who has kids again. My ex husband had 3 kids and I got sick to death of him giving into them all the time as he was afraid they would refuse to see him if he didn’t give in to them. I eventually split with him, I’m still in contact with his children who are now adults. It was hard work and I wouldn’t want to go through it again.

Step parents often get a hard time on here but being a step parent isn’t easy.

mumtoateenger75 Thu 01-Feb-18 20:06:10

So what's the solution we break up

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mumtoateenger75 Thu 01-Feb-18 20:09:01

She is 20 and split my husbands last relationship up we have been together for 5 years and it's not getting easier
I thought it would as she got older but she has just got more manipulative
By us splitting it gives her what she wants
But I'm tired of arguing

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Sunflowersforever Thu 01-Feb-18 21:28:14

I've been in a similar position before, and a counsellor gave me good advice which was basically, withdraw and keep out of it. Don't do stuff and end any conversation you don't want to be in. It worked! I stopped overcaring and left their dad to pick up all the pieces and deal with stuff. No phone calls or anything. After about a year my relationship with SC (19 and 21 by then) had completely changed. I was no longer angry or frustrated as I no longer engaged or felt responsible. We all get on great now. It was like I needed to stop trying so hard.

Sunflowersforever Thu 01-Feb-18 21:32:08

Sorry to rabbit on, but I remember saying to my counsellor about my DSS 'she said this, and then that, and then I said blah then she said blah' and so on and my counsellor just asked why I stayed in the conversation? Why didn't I just end it and leave it? It was like a penny dropping.

mumtoateenger75 Thu 01-Feb-18 21:34:33

Yes I agree it makes sense x but my oh is insistent on myself ad his daughter getting on but a few years ago she said some really spiteful things about me on social media and I have never had an apology from her on it and she really hurt me
And my oh just wants us to get on and me just move on and forget it

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SandyY2K Thu 01-Feb-18 22:10:10

Not engaging is sound advice. Make simple polite conversation...tell him you still feel upset she never apologised for what she put on social are prepared to be civil for his sake.

You don't have to best don't need to be around when she visits....just don't engage.

Lookatyourwatchnow Thu 01-Feb-18 22:37:21

I agree that non engagement is the only feasible way really, for the sake of your own happiness. You can't win.

mumtoateenger75 Thu 01-Feb-18 22:39:21

He wants me to meet her a chat about moving forward making amends
I just want to leave things as they are he sees her once a week for dinner and has communication through text etc.
He thinks her and I not getting on is unfair in him but only gives my grief to that not her

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Greensleeves Thu 01-Feb-18 22:43:18

I think your dp may just have to accept that he can't have everything he wants. She's now an adult and he has no right to insist that you have any kind of relationship with her, as long as you are not actively antagonising her or stopping him from interacting with her. It's nonsense to say that you not bending over backwards to get on with her is unfair to him. It isn't.

Frankly if he's never bothered his arse to bollock her for treating you like crap, then he only has himself to blame that he hasn't got the lovely cosy blended set-up he'd like now she's an adult.

mumtoateenger75 Thu 01-Feb-18 22:44:41

Greensleeves you are a breathe of fresh air x

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mumtoateenger75 Thu 01-Feb-18 22:48:27

But he says I should make an effort for his sake
App I don't understand how it makes him feel
She gave him a Christmas card and present addressed to just him and we got her lots from both of us I didn't get a Thankyou nothing !
My birthday has just gone and I didn't even get a card and when I say to him woul of been nice to get a Thankyou for the Christmas money etc he says past is past I should move on and why do I always se a negative 😡 I can't win

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MachineBee Thu 01-Feb-18 22:49:52

Sunflower has it spot on. Your OH has no right to insist. You can’t push water uphill.

Just be polite. Have legitimate reasons for doing your own thing when she visits and leave them to it.

Xmas is always difficult with my DSC especially my DSD, who is a similar age to yours, so I’ve started to just spend most of it with my own family. Funnily, though I leave to give them time with their DF, they usually govshortly after I’ve gone and he’s on his own. He won’t set boundaries, so I see it now as his problem. His circus and his monkeys.

I’ve stopped bothering about birthdays, school stuff, lifts etc. Up to him.

It’s a shame, but I’m done.

Greensleeves Thu 01-Feb-18 22:51:56

I would calmly reply that you are more than aware of how it makes him feel, as he keeps telling you. However your feelings matter too, you are a human being, not a prop in his vision of a happy family. The relationship simply isn't there, and he has to take his share of the responsibility for that and make the best of what he has, rather than manipulating and guilt-tripping and trying to make people love each other when they don't and don't want to.

Honestlly, he's being a real arse about this. Stick to your guns. You're not harming her or even insulting her. You just don't want to keep putting yourself in a situation which is hurtful and uncomfortable for you - and he has no right to try and bully you into it.

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