How did yup tell your news?

[bitzy12]

Hello,

Myself and dh are expecting our first baby together. I have 2dcs already and he has a son from a previous relationship.

Relationship with sons mother has always being difficult. She's very bitter and twisted. I won't go on but she's absolutely vile and treats dss as a weapon.

Just this weekend she announced she won't be dropping off dss anymore on the morning she's supposed to as it's no longer convenient. Either dh picks him up or 'don't bother having him' also followed with 'I'm his mother, I call the shots'

I witnessed this conversation over the phone.

I could go on and on....and on....and on.


Anyway it's nearly time to start telling people about our pregnancy. I know for a fact that this is not going to go down well with her. I'm expecting her to react with some horrible nasty comments and it's all going to be about how dss won't be his priority anymore etc etc. Which is a load of crap.


I never get involved with her to be honest, she has caused us a lot of stress over the years but I've only ever once text her telling her to back off because she included my children in her argument. She also trapped dhs arm in her door as he was dropping dss off and it bruised badly.

This is my baby so I really will struggle to keep quiet when she's kicks off. Any advice on how to handle the whole situation?

[Winteriscoming18]

Have no contact with her. Let your dh collect and drop his ds off at your house.

[bitzy12]

I don't have any contact with her usually, I know the right thing to do is just bite my tongue and say nothing. Which is probably what I will do but it's just not nice to know that someone really is going to despise your baby :-(

[laloup1]

My initial reaction was why tell her but I guess your partner should tell her so that he receives her initial reaction rather than her son getting it, should her son mention it first.
I cope with my partner's difficult ex by accepting that it is a chronic situation. She is never going to get any easier. I accept that part of being with my partner is accepting the negativity she brings into my life (albeit through him - she & I do not have direct contact if at all avoidable)
You have my sympathies.(empathy really) It's tough having no peaceful way through.

[waterlily200]

Get legally agreed visitation with DSS arranged asap so theres no messing around in the future.

Congratulations btw.

[NorthernSpirit]

I feel your pain OP.

When my OH and I got engaged and he told his children (and then emailed and told the mother, his EW) before the children arrived home. A vitriolic email and barrage of abuse followed. Something along the lines of how dare he.... they had been split up for 4 years, divorced for 3.

Let your OH deal with it. The only people you have to tell are the children. You have no obligation to tell her, but it’s manners to tell her in case the kids ask questions.

People like her don’t change. You can’t control her, you can only control how you respond. Personally I let my OH deal with her and I don’t give her any space in my head.

Get court ordered contact. It doesn’t change and it stops the mothers control.

[bitzy12]

Yeah like I say, I don't have any contact with her. The only time I ever did was when she wasn't very nice about my children to which she apologised for. We are civil, sometimes she will drop dss off with me if dh is running late from work. I don't like it and I know she doesn't but we are all smiles in front of dss.

I don't plan on being the one to tell her or even contacting her (unless she speaks crap about my kids). It just makes me so angry already and she doesn't even know yet.

I already know it's going to cause problems as I'm due to have an elective c section which will most likely be on a Saturday which is a weekend dh will have to miss with dss. I bet any money she will expect dh to still have dss while I'm giving birth.

She has also stopped contact numerous times - the longest period was 2 months. I'm thinking a court order is defo a good idea. Thanks everyone

[rosieposies]

Bit late to this @bitzy but just wanted to say from my experience a court order is the only way when you're dealing with people like that. Congrats on your pregnancy, don't let her ruin this for you, I know it's easier said than done. She can say what she wants but she's only making herself look like a d*ck xx

[MeridianB]

Congratulations OP!

It does depend on the age of the sc/s.

The correct thing to do is to tell her just before telling your scs so she can be part of their support if they are upset or have questions. If children are little then this is especially important. And of course it’s courteous to the ex.

However, having done the correct thing twice with DH’s Exp and twice had really offensive comments from her, we just let DSD (13) tell her any news now.

[bitzy12]

Thanks for the further comments, much appreciated. We still haven't told her as not quite 12 weeks - though we have had 2 scans and all is well.

She's been very very nice at the moment and she announced the other day that she was no longer prepared to do drop offs with dss and dh just basically went along with it instead of causing a drama.

So I still have no idea how she will take it. We both agree it's better to tell her over the phone rather jan face to face (she's been violent in the past towards dh) and I'll I've asked is that I am present when he makes the call. I won't say a word but this is my baby and I would like to hear her reaction for myself.

Depending on her general mood at the time, he might even text her the news.

But yes none of our children know the news yet we won't be telling them until our ex's are aware as we know that's the right thing to do.

[ClaryFray]

I wouldn't even want to be present on the phone. No good will come of knowing. Let your DH deal with her.

Congrats :)

[NerdyBird]

If you can, ring or text her while dss is with you (when he can't hear) and then tell the children directly after. That way she can't say anything to him before you do. Definitely get contact sorted through court too.

[MeridianB]

If you can, ring or text her while dss is with you (when he can't hear) and then tell the children directly after. That way she can't say anything to him before you do.

This with bells on.

[bitzy12]

Thank you, I will keep this is mind :-) that's a good tip, I would never thought of doing it that way

[19lottie82]

Please don’t follow posters advice about not telling her. When I was 8 my DSM became pregnant with my DB and they just told me, not my Mum. It was horrible, I didn’t tell her as I knew she would be upset and angry (and with me, I thought, for not telling her). I was so stressed and ended up making myself ill. As much as I love my DDad and DSM I still resent them for this to this day. It wasn’t a good way to deal with things.

[bitzy12]

@19lottie82 no we will definitely be telling her, i totally agree that she needs to know and it needs to coming from us. We would never not do that. It's just finding the right way to do it that's the issue

[MeridianB]

@lottie sorry to reawaken those memories and sorry for being glib. To put it in context, we would never let DSD deliver huge news like a new baby and you are right, I can completely see how it’s not fair.

[bitzy12]

So we decided to tell her the news as I was admitted to hospital and word was beginning to spread - we felt sure she would hear it from someone else.

Dh text her and mentioned I had been in hospital and she replied with her congratulations


Later on dh FaceTimed dss. Dss asked why daddy was at home and not at work. Dh replied he had the day off today

She then butted in the conversation with 'well why haven't you come here to see dss? If you have a day off then you should spend the time with him'

To which dh replied with he had taken the day off to look after me and that I needed it with being in hospital. I have been extremely poorly and still very weak.

Her reply 'oh right, just whatever, can't be doing with this' then hung up

[mustresistwine]

Genuine question but why do you need to tell her?

Dss casually told us his mum was having a baby with her new DP (DSS was 6 at the time) and we just said ‘how exciting’. Neither of us felt his mum should have contacted us or that it was somehow our ‘right’ to know. Similarly he told us last year that his mum was getting married.

We won’t be having more dc (my children are grown up) but if we were I wouldn’t be discussing it with dss’s mum. We are getting married later this year and don’t consider it any of her business.

And 19lottie82 your experience sounds horrible but surely your resentment should lie with your DM who put you in that position as an 8 year old? She was the one making you feel that you couldn’t say anything because she would be upset & angry... those issues are hers not your DF’s

[bitzy12]

Because she's a nightmare to deal with. She stood contact whenever she likes it, she's been violent towards my dh. She's very bitter towards us and I believe still has deep feelings towards my dh and will cause drama/make life difficult at any opportunity. The last thing we want is for her to be angry at dss

[mustresistwine]

Telling her won’t stop any of that though?I definitely think court action is the way forwards... and violence should be reported to police

I’m not being naive, had very similar issues with dss’s mum & ended up in court. She was informed by judge that her behaviour was unacceptable, and to only contact DP about significant issues to do with dss health & wellbeing & basically to butt out of our lives & stop harassing us! 50/50 custody was also awarded with changeover day being a school day, separate parents evenings were requested, we now only have to see her a few times a year & get an occasional abrupt text message!

I cannot explain how much better our lives our (including dss) since that day. I wish we’d done it earlier instead of attempting to appease/negotiate and being bullied & sucked into drama

[bitzy12]

Oh I totally agree about the court order. And the violence reported to the police. There's other things I personally would report her for too.....but then she will go crying to dh with 'if you do that, it's only dss that will be affected' and dh just leaves it. Dss is only 4 but I think can feel tension that his mum has a massive problem with me and had dad. So for that reason, I think we were in the right. We wouldn't want to put any pressure on any of our children.

[bluecashmere]

FWIW I think you were right to tell her. It's not fair to DC for them to relay that kind of news. It is relevant to the DC's life and so parents need to know. And if the reaction is going to be bad, as PP said it is best if it's not in front of DC.

[19lottie82]

“And 19lottie82 your experience sounds horrible shock but surely your resentment should lie with your DM who put you in that position as an 8 year old?”


Not at all, it was my Father who put me in that position, not my Mother.

[NorthernSpirit]

@19Lottie82 - reading what you have written is so sad. You were afraid to tell your mum (which really has nothing to do with her as your DM & dad were split up / divorced) because you were ‘frightened’ of what she would say as you ‘knew she would get upset and angry’. It was nothing to do with your mum, yet you still resent your dad and SM. Sounds like your mother was alienating you against your dad. You should feel resentment towards your mum, not your dad. Why would your mum get upset and angry?

[lifeandtheuniverse]

Northern - why do you always make out the EX to be the problem.

Lottie knew her mother would be upset - we know nothing of the background of the split in this case, OW, not, amicable relationship etc etc. At the end of the day the step child Lottie is telling you this way was wrong. Nothing to do with alienating the child, her father chose the wrong way to do it.

Likewise, my EX told my DCS but did not tell me, he told them 3 days before the annversary of my parents death- oh yes he did tell me on the first anniversary of my parents death, when I was struggling and upset. My DCs knew this was a big day for me and had been waiting till after going to see remaining grandparent at the weekend. They were 5 and 3. It had nothing to do with me alienating my children - they knew the week was hard - twunt knew and just chose to fuck it up even more. Allegedly it was the 12 wk scan week - we now know that was fucking bollocks aswell and was 6 weeks later!!

I was more fucked off with him for teling the DCS and not including me, so I could support them - they struggled with the whole thing.