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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

Am I being ridiculous - help

38 replies

tiredmama18 · 28/01/2018 21:52

Hi all, name changed for this.
Married to DH, have a 5 month old DS and a 10yr old DSS. I am on maternity leave at the minute and DSS happens to be unwell with tonsillitis, I have looked after him before when he is sick, I don't mind. However because I am on maternity leave it is just presumed by my DH and his ex wife that I will look after him, without so much as a thank you. I can't help but feel taken advantage of...especially with having such a young baby to care for as well.
I know this sort of stuff can be part and parcel of being in a blended family but it's difficult. Anyone been there? Am I right to be used this way?

OP posts:

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tiredmama18 · 28/01/2018 21:55

Sorry should have clarified, he is off school now and that's why I am looking after him, my DH and DSS Mum working

OP posts:

TwitterQueen1 · 28/01/2018 21:58

Clearly you do mind very much OP. And the way you describe 'being used in this way' is a bit .

Not enough context really to offer any useful advice. You don't say whether or not the mum is working - I assume she is?

I don't think it should be an issue really. Surely as his stepmum you want to be involved in his care?

I'm prepared to be told otherwise.

lunar1 · 28/01/2018 22:02

Who would he normally be with now? Mum or dad?

tiredmama18 · 28/01/2018 22:02

Thanks for your reply! No I don't mind and have done in the past before I had my DS, it's more that i feel it's not fair that it's presumed I will look after him, without actually being asked.

OP posts:

tiredmama18 · 28/01/2018 22:03

He'd normally be with Mum, but with Dad now as I'm looking after him tomorrow and most likely a few more days after that

OP posts:

EggsonHeads · 28/01/2018 22:04

Well I mean you don't have any commitments that it would interfere with so I would also assume that you would be the one doing it. He is your step son after all. Or do you just see him as your husband's other child?

NorthernSpirit · 28/01/2018 22:05

It’s the presuming that you will look after the child, without a thank you that I do think is rude.

So many posts on here about mothers not wanting their children to go to the fathers if he isn’t there and they don’t want the fathers new partner looking after the kid/s. Unless of course it sorts out childcare issues.

I do think it would be manners to ask.

Greensleeves · 28/01/2018 22:06

I think if he is staying with you when he would usually be with his mother, just because he is ill and you are the only adult who can take care of him, then it would have been decent if your dp and his ex had at least shown some appreciation for you doing it.

I do think you looking after him is the best solution for everybody though, as you're at home with your other child and they're at work. Do you resent looking after him, or just the fact that nobody has said "thanks, you're a star"?

Winteriscoming18 · 28/01/2018 22:06

When my dh out of work and I was working he had My DS and DD it was just part and parcel of being a family.

tiredmama18 · 28/01/2018 22:07

Northern that's exactly it. No thank you from anyone, I genuinely don't mind looking after him when he's unwell, it just feels like I'm being taken advantage of a little bit.

OP posts:

Enidthecat · 28/01/2018 22:08

Same happened to me when on maternity leave but i did get a thank you from dp. Ex used to just drop dss off at our house with no prior warning because "Enid doesn't work" first time ds was about 3 weeks old.

I didn't mind at all but woild have liked spme notice and it not being taken for granted that i was free.

NorthernSpirit · 28/01/2018 22:11

You are being taken advantage off. I would talk to your OH, while i’m you don’t mind but you should be asked (what is you have plans or want to do something) and it would be manners to get a thank you.

DontDIY · 28/01/2018 22:31

You’re not being ridiculous. Of course they should speak with you first. I’d never just assume DS SM would be available 24/7 to watch him.

I’d make myself unavailable if I were you. I’d probably then be able to “shuffle” things about but my point would hopefully be made for next time.

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/01/2018 22:31

You’re on maternity leave to take care of your baby.

It’s loveky if you want to cover for mum and dad by helping to take care of your DSS but it’s bullshit that either of them are assuming you’ll do it without asking. And ignore PP asking if you want to be called “a star”. That’s just nasty. You can expect to be asked and to get a thank you if you do it. And they should both be gracious if you say no.

What would they do if you weren’t on maternity leave? They’d sort it out between the two of them. He has two parents. He’s their responsibility.

If you’re not happy being expected to look after him then please say so.

I’m sure everyone would say your baby is nothing to do with the ex, so she doesn’t get to use you as childcare. Neither does DH and he should be looking after you and your baby, not making plans on your time. That’s not okay.

Greensleeves · 28/01/2018 22:33

It is a lot of extra work, looking after a poorly 10yo when you've got a young baby. It is really off that nobody's even said "thank you". I would feel taken advantage of too.

janeylacey · 28/01/2018 22:35

@EggsonHeads no commitments? How would you know that? I'm currently on maternity leave with my 2 month old and we have multiple 'commitments' to attend various baby classes that I've paid a lot of money for. How do you know that the OP isn't in the same position?

Oooocrikeyitscold · 28/01/2018 22:40

You would probably feel totally ok with it if there was thanks and appreciation involved. I agree with you, you should be thanked.

tiredmama18 · 28/01/2018 22:45

@janeylacey I actually did have plans for tomorrow that I have had to postpone, nothing urgent, but still things that have had to be shuffled around.

@Oooocrikeyitscold yes, exactly. I am more than ok with it, but like you say I wouldn't feel so taken advantage of if there was an acknowledgment atleast that I was helping

OP posts:

Tottyandmarchpane1 · 28/01/2018 22:51

Of course they should ask if you are happy to have him and yanbu to feel taken advantage of. Previous posters are talking a load of tut - they just come on to be contrary so ignore.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 28/01/2018 23:40

Yes I’ve had this, presuming I’ll look after the kids while I was on maternity leave. It got to a point where I contacted the child’s mother and said I wanted to at least be told when one her children were dropped off while DP was working, with no warning. She went mental saying it was her children’s home...

Er so was their mother’s house their home! However she drove them to mine because she wanted me to look after them. They were young teenagers so it was dressed up as ‘they don’t need looking after’.

It’s totally unacceptable OP. And it’s horrible for the child too, being basically dumped on SM without asking or checking. Speak up now as it’s a symptom of being low in the pecking order.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 28/01/2018 23:43

To be honest OP say that you have plans each time this happens. It’s important that you are not treated like this. I ended up breaking up with my DP in the end, partly because I was treated like an invisible child minder.

It really doesn’t help your relationship with your DSC either. They need to see you being asked and included or it can affect how they treat you too.

swingofthings · 29/01/2018 08:03

You should be asked and you should be thanked. Remind your OH of it, and he should remind the ex of it too.

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SandyY2K · 29/01/2018 09:27

If you were working who would he be with?

NicheArea · 29/01/2018 09:38

You need to clarify in your own mind- do you resent having to look after DSS? Or is it just the fact that you (rightly) feel under appreciated?
If there is resentment about looking after DSS it needs to be faced and unpicked. If not, then you need to express DS's lack of appreciation with him.
You wouldn't really expect your DH to take the day off work would you? To look after his DS while you are there with your baby?
It's terribly stressful for working parents to deal with this situation. You can feel pulled in all directions. The child's DM should also be very grateful to you. Has she had the opportunity to express her appreciation? Do you have the kind of relationship with her that would allow her to do that?

FlippingFoal · 29/01/2018 10:05

My close friend who has a 4 month old baby still puts her elder son in nursery so she can focus on the baby during her mat leave. And thats her own child. Why should the OP be expected to pick up their slack without consultation, notice or even appreciation?

I've had the lectures about not overstepping, but my SC DM is perfectly happy for me to provide free childcare when it suits. If i refuse as i just cant do it I am always told i am resentful of them and dont care. Cant win whatever i do :(

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