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Am I being selfish

(30 Posts)
kalosrosea Fri 26-Jan-18 14:42:18

My partner and I have been together for two years and have been in each other’s kids lives for a year and a half. He has two boys and I have a little girl. The kids are great they like each other, in fact his oldest boy is incredibly sweet with my little girl. He has been separated from his wife of 20 years for over three years, however he is still living at home with Mum and dad, still not divorced as she is refusing to sort things because at the moment he is having to meet half the mortgage every month, he has no spare money, I am a student at university and he can’t afford to come up to see me ( lives 30 minutes away) because of fuel costs etc a lot through the week and I am incredibly busy with uni. So weekends are our time together and every other weekend is our quality time with the children, I have a third bedroom that is the boy’s room and even if their dad is working they come to me on the Friday night and he will see them in the mornings and the rest of the weekend.

The problem is the boys have started football clubs , have matches Sunday’s and other football commitments as well as birthday parties ( which overlap, so my little girl sometimes has to come, sit whilst I take one of the boys to their friend’s birthday party, whilst the other is with their dad at their football match). Yesterday my partner rings and says his ex has agreed to the boys attending another football event on Sunday afternoon. We had made plans to watch his son play his match and then do something in the afternoon, he has told their mum he will take them so our plans our cancelled, he says I don’t get it, that he doesn’t want his boys to not want to come because they can’t go to their activities. I have said to him that we do take them but our plans shouldn’t be cancelled last minute because his ex has given little notice and that it is our time together with the kids that she is dictating what is happening and this is occurring more and more. Now on Sunday we are no longer spending the day at all together as he can’t afford the fuel to drive back and forth. I feel neither myself or my daughter are being considered, but he fees his ex will make it awkward to see them and his boys won’t want to come if they can’t do what they want, what can I do ? I feel as if he is still going to be at Mum and dads, can’t afford anything because nothing is being sorted as he doesn’t want to uproot the boys by going through court with the house etc, is there even a future? When he has said that when I eventually finish university and get a better paid job then we will be fine , why is this responsibility on me? I think his boys are great, they should be able to do things that they are apart of but not to the point when we have the children the weekend becomes about their activities, my daughter is at her dads every other weekend so this quality time with her when I am not at uni as well Any advice please?

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kalosrosea Fri 26-Jan-18 14:44:31

Sorry that was very long 😳🤭

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NorthernSpirit Fri 26-Jan-18 14:54:58

Sounds like he’s not disengaged from the EW.

If he’s been separated over 3 years and is not yet divorced that would sound alarm bells for me.

He needs to sort his finances out with the EW and then finalise the divorce. Does he have a decree nisi? He wouldn’t get the absolute until the finances are agreed.

It’s absolute rubbish that he can’t get divorced as ‘she’s refusing to sort things out as he pays half the mortgage’. He’s feeding you a line. There’s nothing at all stopping him initiating the process.

The EW doesn’t sound like she’s emotionally disengaged either. She’s using the children to control him. She doesn’t get to dictate and control contact. How old are the children. They’ve been separated over 3 years - they should of agreed contact between them or he should of taken it to court and got a formal contact order.

And the EW doesn’t get to dictate what the children do on the fathers time. Any judge would tell her contact with the dad comes first over children’s parities.

Your OH needs to put a stop to her hold over him and her silliness by getting a contact order. Before he can divorce child arrangements need to have been agreed.

Then he needs to sort his finances out.

Then get a divorce.

kalosrosea Fri 26-Jan-18 14:58:30

He says he can’t afford the solicitors and that it will come out of the house, as he goes to see the boys once a week he is worried a court order would prevent him seeing them during the week. His ex wife has a partner living with her but feels she has a right to dictate. The boys are 10 and 5 , they really are lovely boys so I feel guilty how I am feeling

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lunar1 Fri 26-Jan-18 15:44:46

He just isn't in a position yet to commit to the type of relationship you want. He's married and finances are still entwined.

Are you even sure it's just his wife that wants this football commitment. He seems to have a lot of reasons why he has to do certain things and they are all conveniently her fault. If he wanted things to be different then they could be.

kalosrosea Fri 26-Jan-18 15:53:55

Lunar he hates football so know it’s not that

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Myddognearlyatethedeliveryman Fri 26-Jan-18 15:55:22

Why is he paying half the house? He should be charging her new bf rent for his half - no joke -

Candlelights Fri 26-Jan-18 16:47:10

Why on earth would a court order prevent him seeing his boys in the week?? They don't forbid contact at all - they just set out agreed routines. If his ex is happy with him seeing them midweek at the moment I can't see how a court order would change that.

I'd agree with what others have said that it doesn't sound as if he's really separated enough to be ready for a new relationship. The divorce isn't going to cost any less if he faffs around another year or more first. And it would give him the certainty and security to make plans and get on with his life.

You're right of course - his ex should not make plans for the kids during the time they're due to be with him without checking with him first. And if he's made plans with you, he's being very rude in cancelling them without consulting you first. That's quite obvious really - if he can't see that he's not really thinking straight.

lunar1 Fri 26-Jan-18 17:06:13

But do the boys like football, he might just want them to do something they enjoy.

swingofthings Fri 26-Jan-18 17:42:38

* I have said to him that we do take them but our plans shouldn’t be cancelled last minute because his ex has given little notice and that it is our time together with the kids that she is dictating what is happening and this is occurring more and more.*
Yes and no. Agreed about the notice, although from my experience of a teenage boy whose been playing football for about 8 years now, matches/events etc... do get arranged at the last minute. Last weekend, I was supposed to drive for an hour to take him to a match that was cancelled that morning. It has happened the other way around.

No to say that the mother is dictating your DP weekend. How is that the case when it's all about the boys? They chose to play football and that's what happens.

Yes it's frustrating, yes if feels like your life is dedicated to your kids, but this is how you bond with them best. It means so much to them to enjoy an activity and to do so with the company of their parents, a time to make them feel proud, especially the parent you only get to see week-ends.

What should they be penalised from this because it doesn't suit your agenda? Good on your DP to stick to it.

As for the other issues, well you need to work out your finances together, but indeed, you need to be in a position to support your DD rather than relying on him to do so, which he would have to do if you moved in together whilst you are still at Uni but would lose your benefits due to his working. It does make sense to wait until you are in employment and he had time to finalise everything. Divorces when you've been married for 20 years do take a long time to finalise.

Appuskidu Fri 26-Jan-18 17:47:53

Is he banking on you getting a good job when you graduate to fund your joint lifestyle? What are you studying?

Winteriscoming18 Fri 26-Jan-18 17:50:43

How old are the boys you will find as they get older they want to pursue their activities further

Biglettuce Fri 26-Jan-18 18:28:59

Horrible situation. I’ve had similar, I think it’s a deal breaker actually.

Try counselling first. To see if anyone can open his eyes to the fact he’s still dancing to exes tune. Last minute arrangements are a classic control tactic.

Or spell out what you think could work - what would mean he sees the boys regularly and you too - make it clear.

I told my DP we had to have a schedule - one that was clear, 6 months in advance. Drop offs / pick ups. I kept saying - what is the problem - it’s great for the kids, it’s great for you, for us?

I stuck to that like a broken record.

Eventually he did it - and of course Ex went mental. Losing her control. But it reverses the argument - instead of us SM on defence - the Ex has to justify why not. And of course there isn’t a defence, ha!

NorthernSpirit Fri 26-Jan-18 18:55:23

He says he can’t afford the solicitors and that will come out of the house? He is so wrong.

If the EW is living in the former marital home (FMH) with her new partner then she should be paying the mortgage in full. He needs to man up. He’s paying for his wife’s new partner to live in a house he partly owns.

When this goes to court a judge is likely to force the sale of the house or the EW will have to buy him out. She lost all right Gurd to stay and he pay when she moved her new fella in.

A court would never stop contact (unless there were safe guarding issues). Courts are very pro contact. The ‘norm’ for dads is EOW, a night in the week and half holidays. A court would not reduce contact.

Your OH sounds a bit frightened of the EW. She’s living in the FMH (which i’m Guessing he owns equity in). He pays half her mortgage when she’s living there with s new man (she needs to learn some self respect), and he’s afraid she’ll stop him seeing his children.

He needs to sort this. I couldn’t be with a man who was still so attached to his EW.

BlueSkyBurningBright Fri 26-Jan-18 19:52:36

I think you are being taken advantage of. He should be the one to look after his kids when they are with him for the weekend. If your DD has plans you should not let her miss out because you are running around his boys. You are not his babysitter.

I do not think you are being selfish.

I agree with pp that he has not disengaged from his EX and needs to stop doing everything she says and get divorced and sell the house.

SandyY2K Fri 26-Jan-18 20:10:15

This man will be a financial liability on you. I think you can do better than him tbh.

I wouldn't be with a man who's at the beck and call of his Ex.

You're really a free babysitter for him.

Your future will be hampered because of his finances and fear of his Ex.
Move on my dear.

SandyY2K Fri 26-Jan-18 20:14:01

You and your DD can do something else and let him watch the football. His children aren't more important than yours. Go to a movie or spend quality time with your DD alone.

It's good for him to spend time alone with his boys too.

I couldn't be dealing with such a broke fella tbh.

kalosrosea Fri 26-Jan-18 20:21:21

They go to play for football teams etc, on their own and their dad takes them all the time this is was about him cancelling our plans as his wife told him last minute (last night). I normally watch one of the kids whilst he takes the other to whichever activity. It is actually myself that has said to him that it is important that we have one on one with our kids as well, like I said it’s to do with cancelling our plans last minute to appease his ex

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kalosrosea Fri 26-Jan-18 20:23:57

Thank you for your opinions and views

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Chugalug Fri 26-Jan-18 20:33:00

I'm sorry ,but yr blokes an idiot,...he didn't need to pay half the mortgage while her new fella is there...my friend was in this situation,they are now married,a blended family of 5 kids,an utter headache all round,she is pulled in all directions,and no one is happy..I'd say he's not mentally in the right place to be dating..your going to be used ...if not already

Lovely456 Fri 26-Jan-18 20:44:16

So hes never going to get divorced then?
Its been 3 years he should have his finances in order by now and a settlement. Ridiculous.
He sounds like a leech tbh, looking for you to sort out his problems when you get better paid.
You are running around his kids at the weekend when its your only weekends with your daughter, You dont get any real say in what to do as its whatever him and his exw have decided.
As for the ex wife she cant dictate what goes on in your weekends and she also should be paying the mortgage as she has a new partner living there.
I would say you can do better than a married man still chained to his exw, hasnt even got any money to come visit you and lives with his parents.
Cant see the attraction myself hes still married and your like the 3rd wheel.

kalosrosea Fri 26-Jan-18 21:01:14

He is a lovely lovely man with the biggest heart , I can see he is trying to just do best by everyone and be a really good dad. This is a man who put holidays in when I had the flu and came up and looked after me and my daughter this week. He is the kind of guy who will do anything to help anyone and I just think his wife knows that he is a big softie, there has been other things happen that has made him worry that he is being replaced by his wife’s partner in his children’s eyes

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greenlanes Fri 26-Jan-18 21:12:36

I can't quite believe some of the other naive posters. A family court will want children's activities supported by both parents, As many activities are a weekly commitment. If you a re in a team you can't decide to turn up on alternate weekends. So this is not their mothers choice it is the commitment that needs to be made if these children are to succeed in their chosen activity. And their father is supporting this thankfully despite your attempts to interfere,

You have barely been with your partner any length of time to be interfering in the children's activities.

I do have a lot more to say about this and your behaviour but not much of it will be polite so I shall stop here.

SandyY2K Fri 26-Jan-18 21:20:19

He may well be nice...but how good is life while he's so broke and can't afford to come and see you ? He's saying when you earn it will be better...that's a lot of pressure on you.

His marital status could carry on for ages and finances are the one if the top/the top reason for relationship breakdowns.

Thymeout Fri 26-Jan-18 22:17:13

It doesn't sound to me as if Op is 'interfering in the children's activities'. She's facilitating them. Without her babysitting one boy, the other one couldn't play in his match. This is to the detriment of her own dd, who has to tag along with whatever has been arranged for the boys.

I don't think you're being selfish, Op. You've been sucked into a dynamic where your DP is so afraid to rock the boat with his EW that he's living with his parents and can't afford the petrol to sustain his relationship with you.

He needs to start divorce proceedings and sort out access and the house. It's not fair to you or to your dd that you should go on living in this limbo. His marriage has been over for 3 years and EW has moved on. He could get a loan against the equity he has in the house.

What about his parents? Are they happy with the current situation?

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