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Tearing out my hair now

(53 Posts)
throwawayagain Tue 23-Jan-18 22:00:37

My DSS is 20.
He moved in with me, along with DP, 18 months ago. He doesn't work. He has now decided to quit college twice. He quit his A-levels part way through.
Since his GCSEs he has pretty much decided to do nothing. He is clearly a special snowflake. He will play X-Box all night. He will invite random friends over, without permission, and we have found randoms sprawled around the house on occasion. I cannot live with this shit much longer.
I have young kids. I am raising them to work hard, and have self-respect. Unfortunately, DP seems very frustrated by SS's lack of drive and personal responsibility, but he actively does fuck all to address it. He lays down ground rules, which are just disrespected, ignored, and thus the cycle repeats.
DP used to pull his weight on his behalf, but recently DP has been extremely ill. Hospitalised for a long time with life-changing surgery. It has been fucking hard.
SS has done fuck all to help. I have tried to be kind and respectful to his feelings about his Dad. He has responded by continuing the piss taking.
He eats everything in the fridge. I am now spending £250+ a week on food. I cannot afford it, but everything I buy that is easy for DP to eat just vanishes. I bought a £50 shop at the weekend which had gone in 24 hours. When I address it, he states that he 'doesn't know what he is allowed to eat'! I have tried putting notes on the fridge, but he 'doesn't see them'.
He never washes up, and I put my foot down by putting his washing up in his bedroom. He bleated about it to DP, who told him that I had done it. Fine! He eventually did it.
However, today I woke up to another pile of washing up. I left it there, and went to work. DP then hauled himself downstairs, and cleaned up after the 'special snowflake'.
I lost my rag. I told DP that we have to lay the law down together, and DSS needs to be forced to man up.
I pointed out how much his son is costing us, while he pays nothing for his upkeep. I was advised that we should shop at Aldi to reduce the costs.
DP is unwell and 'can't be doing with this shit'. Well, guess what? I fucking can't any longer.
AI actually B fucking U here, or should I just suck up this behaviour? I wish this was a troll post. Unfortunately, it isn't.
I can't kick him out because DP can't deal with it. Sadly, I cannot carry on like this.

FWIW, his DM sides with him. She tells us that he shouldn't be forced to work, because he doesn't suit the 'rat race'. He should be allowed to be his own person, and do something he enjoys. At the expense of everyone else.

Any advice, before I lose it completely?

TheHobbitMum Tue 23-Jan-18 22:05:16

No sensible advice for you OP but I'd lose my shit with that too! It's your home too, why should you be left to clear up after another adult? Unfortunately if DP isn't prepared to set some rules in place I can't see how anything will change. Your DP & his ex are doing no favours to your DSS, he needs to join the real world!

lunar1 Tue 23-Jan-18 22:25:52

I'm sorry but they could move themselves back out again. You are spending more on food than I do on my mortgage. Your dp and his ex don't get to decide that you and your children have to live like this, regardless of his injuries.

throwawayagain Tue 23-Jan-18 22:28:48

Thank you for responding.
I'm being made to feel like a bitch for not agreeing to put extra energy, and ridiculous amounts of cash, into supporting a perfectly capable man child.
DP has been frighteningly ill. He is a hardworking and responsible man, and I'm not questioning his personal ethics.
I don't understand why his is supporting his son's lazy and selfish behaviour. He is sick of me complaining about his son, but because it impacts us all, I can't just roll over and suck it up.
We all have to work. I personally do not enjoy my job at all, but it pays the bloody bills. We can't all only do something that gives us ultimate personal fulfilment. It would be beautiful it that were the reality of life, but it fucking isn't!!
His Mum is a fucking terrible example. She has started several businesses that suit her spiritual needs, which have folded. She just floats onto the next thing, because her DP is loaded. No personal responsibility. She wants her DS to have the same opportunities, but refuses to financially support any of it. He's an adult, after all.
DP cannot deal with it right now. I understand, but I can't take shouldering the total load. His DS is tipping me over the edge.
I will happily look after my kids, and DP, but his son is creating issues beyond my capabilities. angryangry

lunar1 Tue 23-Jan-18 22:33:57

I suspect your patience would have long since evaporated if your dp hadn't had health issues.

Decide your limits, this is your home and your life, don't let them ruin it.

throwawayagain Tue 23-Jan-18 22:38:54

And yes, my mortgage is less than the food bill.
Before DP and DSS moved in, it was about £100 per week. DSS costs as much as the rest of us put together.

I don't want to put added pressure on DP. He was treated terribly by the NHS, but that is another thread entirely. He very nearly died, and I am grateful that it was finally dealt with. A&E actually told us that the eventual diagnosis was not correct or 'he would be dead already'. We will deal with that when we are capable of doing so, but right now we are focussed on his recovery.

DSS knows how close to the wire it was. However, he uses that to adopt a 'woe is me' attitude. His entitlement has escalated because he is 'so upset about his Dad'.
Sadly, he still knocks on the bedroom door to ask for money though.
angryangryangry

Lookatyourwatchnow Tue 23-Jan-18 22:41:31

He sounds like a spoiled brat and unfortunately I don't have any useful advice to give you as I don't know how you can change this situation without doing anything drastic like kicking him out.

NorthernSpirit Tue 23-Jan-18 22:45:28

I feel for you, keep your chin up.

At 20 the lad is an adult and should be working, not a drain on society or his parents because he can’t be arsed.

Tell him to go live with his mum. Fine if she thinking her precious son shouldn’t be forced to work. Let her deL with him and clean up his shit. He’s an adult and you aren’t his slave. Sadly the boy hasn’t learnt independence or to stand on his own two feet.

greatpumpkin Tue 23-Jan-18 23:01:00

So it’s your house?

throwawayagain Tue 23-Jan-18 23:23:07

It is my house, yes.
I'm not about to kick anyone out though. Now is not the time.
There has just been an eruption of door slamming after I enlisted DPs support. DP stated that he would no longer do DSS's washing up. 4 doors were slammed in response.
My 5 year old would know better. Luckily she slept through it.
Tonight is turning into an episode of Eastenders.

NorthernSpirit Tue 23-Jan-18 23:34:56

He’s slamming doors in YOUR house because he was asked to do HIS washing up? Who does he think should do it for him?

Spoilt and entitled. I fear at 20 years old he’s going to be difficult to change.

throwawayagain Tue 23-Jan-18 23:41:24

I think you're correct.
He's been texting DP, stating that I have put washing-up liquid in his bed. FFS.
I have been avoiding confrontation, other than putting a washing up bowl in his room. I'm not even going to discuss this.
DSS is genuinely lovely with my kids, but otherwise he is a complete pain in the arse. Not playing tonight.

LineyS Tue 23-Jan-18 23:45:19

You say that you can't live with this shit much longer. I'd have cracked months ago tbh.

Looks like they'll both have to move out to their own flat. Not your fault. Look after your DC and save them from this chaos and horrible atmosphere. There's no easy solution.

That's the resolution I'm afraid.

throwawayagain Tue 23-Jan-18 23:55:58

The extent of the issue only became apparent when DP was incapable of covering his sorry arse.
DP was taking him to college (2.5 days per week), and getting crap from work for doing so. Once DP was incapacitated, I physically could not get DSS to college, due to school runs and work.
DSS was perfectly capable of getting there, but chose not to. He would wait to see if I would reconsider rearranging my day to spend 45 mins taking him there, which I could not. He also chose to not get himself to college, or call in, and was effectively evicted from his course.

He is currently shadowing a very close friend of mine at work. Kudos to my friend for taking the risk.
This is effective 2 days, and could potentially lead to a proper job, in an industry that interests him greatly.
He is already complaining of exhaustion.

I am not getting involved, and will let him drown in his own washing-up liquid.

ElChan03 Wed 24-Jan-18 00:25:32

Oh that made me laugh... drowning in washing up liquid!

Take heart OP. I hope you get through this and the washing up liquid cleans his filthy habits and lazy mindset.

At 20 he should know better.

PerspicaciaTick Wed 24-Jan-18 01:12:54

Agree house rules with DP.
Present house rules to DSS.
He either abides by house rules, returns to his DM's house or finds a place of his own.
Stop giving him money.
Stop buying food in bulk, at least for a couple of weeks, buy enough for one day at a time. It might be pricey but I still think it would be cheaper than £250 a week.

MotherofaSurvivor Wed 24-Jan-18 02:32:23

What a vile sounding kid. He needs the Army!

Refuse to do any laundry
Refuse to allow him to eat any food - padlocks? Daily shopping with treats hidden.
Refuse to give him any money and
Refuse to clean up after him.

That will soon do the job. Personally though, I'd kick him out. I wouldn't have that atmosphere around my child. No way! She doesn't deserve it

NorthernSpirit Wed 24-Jan-18 07:56:22

He’s 20 years old - he’s an adult. His parents should have parented him years ago.

Stop doing stuff for him. Laundry, shopping, cooking, cleaning, running him around. He needs to start paying some keep (presume he’s sponging off the state as he can’t be bothered working)? Hi super nanny on him. Your house, your rules. If he doesn’t like it he can go.

throwawayagain Wed 24-Jan-18 07:58:32

Shit hit the fan last night. My eldest DD decided to exact revenge by putting washing liquid in his bed. That was twatty, and will be dealt with.

He then sent me a shower of text messages, accusing me of doing it, then stating that I had been cruel by putting the washing up bowl in his room.
He reiterated that it had been far too late for him to wash up (!!), and that he was OUT ALL DAY after that, so I should appreciate his effort.
I answered with a multiple choice explanation of my decision making:
1) do it myself, and be late for work
2) leave it, so his Dad would probably injure himself trying to do it
3) put it in his room, where his Dad couldn't see it
Or unavailable option:
4) he could have done it himself, in the first place!!!

I pointed out that if it's too late to wash up, it's obviously too late to cook with multiple pans and use 7 plates. hmm
I have also suggested that I put a D-lock on the fridge and freezer, so I can manage his ability to cook so late, and eat so much, thus avoiding further instances.

He also told me he planned to trash my daughter's room in revenge. I told him that my DD would have to fix the mess she created, and he would have to fix anything he did in retaliation, because I am not getting involved in their stupid bullshit.
To be continued........

scotchpie Wed 24-Jan-18 08:52:50

Fuck that for a game of soldiers, what a cheeky shit.

Send him on his way!

swingofthings Wed 24-Jan-18 09:13:31

I so feel sorry for all of you. What a horrible stressful situation.
I don't understand why his is supporting his son's lazy and selfish behaviour.
Only because he probably doesn't have the energy to do so at the moment. He is most likely as frustrated as you, want to tackle it, but he knows that doing so will be exhausting and take a tow on him, and at the moment, he is probably putting the little energy he has trying to recover physically.

He probably feels terribly guilty that it's left for you to deal with and torn apart and distressed at to how to best cope with it.

The behaviour of your SS is totally unacceptable, but if he was previously engaged in his studies and without being perfect at least going along keeping busy and half engaged, then it is likely that rightly or not, he is going through a phase of depression/helplessness, feeling rubbish about himself and probably not liking himself much more than you and his father like him at the moment, although of course, he hides this by acting arrogant and like a martyr.

However sad it is, it might have to come down to kicking him out, although that prospect might be very stressful for your OH. My MIL did so with my OH when he was 18. This resulted in them not talking for 18 months even though they had always been very close. I can't imagine what she must have gone through during that time (she was a single mum who'd always work very hard to support her family), but she and certainly my OH says that's the best thing she could have done. He moved with friends and had to work to support himself. Under the appearance, when he had no choice, he actually showed to be very ambitious, hard working and dedicated, like his mum and he ended up doing very well in life. He got in touch with his mum after this time and they grew close again. He is the most caring and loving son any mother could wish for.

I deeply hope that it never comes to this with my children as it would totally break my heart and would make me feel like a complete failure, but in the end, there is so long you can wait for them to turn themselves around and start to show some acts of responsibility.

ElChan03 Wed 24-Jan-18 11:47:30

That's very good advice swingofthings

QuiteLikely5 Wed 24-Jan-18 12:13:33

Op

It’s time to put your foot down. How shocking that he only maintained his college space because he was being driven there.

I’m sorry to say that as long as your dp continues to treat this man like a child he will never grow up. As your dp is enabling his behaviour- how on earth will he ever be forced to grow up!

Money! I think not. No college- no money

This is the first privilege that should go

boringbertha Wed 24-Jan-18 12:26:07

I would be telling him he has to go to the job centre and sign on for JSA if he has given up his college course. At least he will be in their system and will be told to look for a job. Sounds like an awful situation. FWIW one of the reasons I have put off moving in with my partner is for a very similar reason with his 2 DS's being less than willing to get jobs/contribute to the household chores and costs.

AnneLovesGilbert Wed 24-Jan-18 14:39:01

FWIW, his DM sides with him

Then she can cook, clean for and fund his sorry arse can't she.

Why isn't that option on the table?

I don't know how you've been coping, I feel exhausted and enraged on your behalf just reading about him.

You say you can't kick him out because DH is struggling so much but you also admit you're at capacity - understandably so! - and currently a lot of your energy and resources are being wasted on SS when you could be focussing it on DH and your DC.

In these cases people will always put forward reasons or excuses for the behaviour and I'm sure they're often right.

But a 20 year old needs to be taking responsibility for themselves and your DC have no option but to live with you, so you don't have any option but to tell him to leave - no matter how valid or not his reasons for being a selfish, rude, lazy, grasping, snowflakey twat at the moment may be.

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