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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

MNHQ have commented on this thread

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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

MNHQ have commented on this thread

Step-parenting

Step daughter wants EVERYTHING

132 replies

Smmt93 · 21/01/2018 10:48

My step daughter has been in my life for just over a 18 months now.... It's been a big learning curve.... Anyway. She has a tendency when she comes over to me and my partner's friends and families house to ask for everything!! We went over to my partner's mum's yesterday and in a two hour window she asked for:

a cracked picture
one single bead
sweets
ice cream
perfume
a satchet of milk?
a bean bag.....

You get the point, there was more this was in a two hour period!! In the end I had to get my partner to have a word with her!!! It's so odd she does it all the time. Obviously she does it when we go out shopping too with ANYTHING, she will just pick stuff up she doesn't even know what it is.... She has an allowance and can spend it on what she likes but it's so embarrassing when we go around friends houses and she's asking for random bits of tat!!! My Partners mum was moving house yesterday and she didn't help she just sat there like the queen of sheeba demanding stuff.
Home life we imagine is a bit sad and she doesn't have much attention from mum.... But would like some advice on how to deal with this begging behaviour!
At home too it just seems like everything that comes out of her mouth is a beg. iPad, food, etc! We limit the amount of screen time because unlike at her mum's house we would like to spend time with her and not get a screen to babysit her!

OP posts:

Report

Finola1step · 21/01/2018 10:50

How old is she?

ReggaetonLente · 21/01/2018 10:50

How old is she?

Smmt93 · 21/01/2018 10:55

Sorry she turned 8 in august

OP posts:

ohlittlepea · 21/01/2018 11:01

it depends on the age but i find the two techniques from how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk reallt help. Would definitely recommend the book.

1, Wish list...show interest and write down on paper or in your phone whats shes asked for..you could get her to type it in herself.

2, Giving in fantasy...you imagine out loud being able to give her the thing. 'I wish we could get a hundred of those bean bags and build a bean bag castle, it would be the comfiest castle ever!' It just shows your listening and you give a shit about the need shes expressing, and it can start a fun conversation..

You can make it into a game, 'If I had a million pounds what would you choose in here today?' and you can address it gently 'Wouldnt it be wonderful if we could get all of these things, we don't have the money to buy fun stuff everyday sometimes we just have to get the boring essentials like a toilet bleach or potatos, rubbish isnt it!'

Or building altruism by giving her the task to choose something for the foodbank basket in the supermarket.

Iwantitis is bloody annoying but they can be coached out of it I think :)

Smmt93 · 21/01/2018 11:04

I hope it can be coached out! It's a bloody nightmare going anywhere! Ive seen children do it in shops but I find the whole asking at a friend and families house very odd!! Can't work out why she's doing it

OP posts:

swingofthings · 21/01/2018 11:05

When you say she asked, do you mean to use, to take home?

I can't fathom what an 8yo asking for a single bead means? Did she see it in a box and asked if she could take it home because it was pretty?

Nor a bean bag? Did she see one and asked if she could take it home to her house at her mums because it's comfy?

viques · 21/01/2018 11:06

She has obviously had a lot of changes in her life over the last 18months. Her nan moving from a place she has probably known for most of her life is just another change. An 8 year old who has had a lot of disruption in her life and who doesn't get much attention from her mum sounds to me like a very anxious and insecure little girl. Many children see value in strange objects that mean nothing to adults, it sounds as though this natural acquisitiveness is going further than most because she is not sure what is happening in her life ATM.

alotalotalot · 21/01/2018 11:07

Surely you can have the conversation that it is rude to ask people, other than your parents, for things.
At home then you can ask her to write it down on her birthday/xmas wishlist and you'll see nearer the time. Then she can prioritise things when necessary. If that is the stock response she'll soon get fed up of asking.

negomi90 · 21/01/2018 11:10

Its an annoying developmental stage most children go through. I wouldn't take it personally and as others have said you and your partner need to wait it out and gently coach it out of her.

MidnightExpress1 · 21/01/2018 11:10

You imagine her home life is bad or you think it is? I have a child similar age who asked for stuff not really random stuff but it sounds like she’s bored going round your friends houses. Does she do stuff with her DF separate to yourself? It drives my 9 year old mad when he is dragged to the shop for 10minutes or round his SM friends house. He is desperate to spend time with his DF or enjoys making Lego and have the freedom and space in his fathers house not dashing about going places that aren’t necessary . The last thing he wants is to be dragged around on time that he considers limited.

It’s easy to blame the mum but you don’t know what goes on in that household. I can tell you want a nightmare it is with my ds whos 9 with his laptop wanting to play on it constantly. Speaking to other parents it’s very similar experiences. Remember you haven’t been around very long and it’s a learning curve for both of you.

Smmt93 · 21/01/2018 11:13

To answer the questions:

Yes there has been a lot of distribution in her life. This was her first time seeing nanny's house!

Yes when she asked for it it was to take home "ooh I wish I had a bean bag"

Yes I got my OH to have a conversation with her about it being rude and embarrassing!

Once she gets the items she isn't interested in them!! She just wants stuff.

I would agree I think she is insecure. There's a whole big back story but I think that's for another thread as it's very long winded!!

OP posts:

MidnightExpress1 · 21/01/2018 11:13

Your coming across rather harsh on her for behaviour similar to her age group.

ReggaetonLente · 21/01/2018 11:13

I agree that the 'I want...' in shops is normal at about her age, but this seems to be different. Is she just asking for random crap around the house?

I would wonder if this is about her testing boundaries and linking love to possessions. So asking nana for her things and seeing if she says yes, to get reassurance that she still loves her. It's not about the stuff per se, but the saying yes.

She's been through a lot in a short space of time OP, and you say she doesn't get much attention at Mum's. Can you reassure her how much she's loved and valued in other ways? Help build her self esteem?

Smmt93 · 21/01/2018 11:15

I know mums house is bad. I have a notepad full of stuff as to worries I have about her
"Mummy says I'm useless"
We have a log of every time she comes over and her coat and hair stinks of weed!

OP posts:

ReggaetonLente · 21/01/2018 11:16

Then - sorry, but - why are you being so harsh on her? Reading that breaks my heart and I don't even know the kid.

Smmt93 · 21/01/2018 11:16

Midnight express. I would love to know why you think I'm being harsh? Should I allow my step daughter to ask people for things constantly?

OP posts:

MidnightExpress1 · 21/01/2018 11:16

Surely your dp would be contacting social services with his concerns not his dp writing a thread about something that trivial in regards to more serious things going on.

Smmt93 · 21/01/2018 11:17

Again were not stopping love???? We just don't want her asking for stuff all the time???

OP posts:

Smmt93 · 21/01/2018 11:18

We have and we were treated like exes trying to get back! Have also contacted school and they weren't interested as they apparently haven't noticed anything

OP posts:

MidnightExpress1 · 21/01/2018 11:18

Because she’s still a child she asked her grandmother for stuff when she was moving is that really a crime. The fact reggaeton also picked up on your harsh undertones says a lot.

Smmt93 · 21/01/2018 11:19

We have a lots of issues going on at the moment and I'm dealing with then one step at a time thanks

OP posts:

MidnightExpress1 · 21/01/2018 11:20

She’s a typical child that age I just been shopping with my ds whos 9 he was hounding for cookies in the shopping. Does she have one to one time with your dp

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ReggaetonLente · 21/01/2018 11:20

She's asking for people's random crap because she feels so unloved and undervalued that it's the only way to confirm they give a shit.

I know it's annoying, trust me, I've looked after lots of kids who displayed the same behaviour, but you need to look past it and see the bigger picture in order to solve it.

Smmt93 · 21/01/2018 11:20

Yes she does

OP posts:

MidnightExpress1 · 21/01/2018 11:21

I don’t think being a stepmother is right for you if your getting so defensive people have offered support and suggestions to why she might be acting like this although her behaviour isn’t out of character for her age and you say she’s had a lot of changes to contend with.

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