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Step-parenting

Public perception of a stepdad; what to do and how to do it?

4 replies

ledzep · 20/01/2018 21:46

Good afternoon everyone,

I am a guy in my late 20s with both stepchildren and a child 'of my own' (I have never liked to use that term because I don't like the connontation of ownership by blood and DNA). I have been directly involved in the children's lives for 2 to 2 1/2 years; be it academically, financially, spiritually etc. You name it and I have done that essentially from a day-to-day basis every since they graced my life with their beautiful smiles and fantastic aura about them that have made me feel complete.

The uncertainty I have now is that after so long the biological father has decided to become more involved and after all that I had done to stabilise the larger family now with the birth of my youngest (my child) I feel left out, unsure of what to do and what not to do, felt as if I have deceived those I have met during this time by referring to them as "My own" (even if deep down it truly feels like that) by not 'stating my position' and all throughout (even more so now) felt a huge degree of judgement from my families for the role I genuinely felt I had to take on to, for example, improve the academic level of my eldest or to resolve the anguish issues of the family in general by being both the strong role model and the goofy dad they needed due to what had happened before the split of the biological parents, and what had happened before I came into their lives.

So here are my questions for everyone;

From early on the children began to use the term 'dad' or 'daddy' by choice. It was not something I wanted to force. In my early 20s I had lost my own child with an ex partner (even now I look at family photos and feel a sense of loss as I feel that my first son should be in those photos). One of my fondest memories is when my eldest came to me one evening and asked if it was okay to call me dad. There were arguments early on as my eldest would insist on me being called her dad with our families, but ever since she has kept to it, and the same with her younger siblings. With the arrival of their biological father, who the eldest does not want to see but the others go regardless, is it okay to continue on with it even against the views of the families?

I have always felt that the perception of stepfathers is one of high expectation and little respect of the role. When I am with the children alone the thought of being a stepdad doesn't come to mind when I talk about the children to others like work colleagues and friends. When I talk to family however it is a completely different story, and more so now with the arrival of the biological. Is this fair? Should I take a step back from the step children, even if it genuinely upset them, for the sake of others views?

Lastly I feel that the biological father has a bad influence on the children. Since his arrival I have seen a huge difference in the younger two than the eldest. Before his arrival my children were very polite, always saying "please", "Thank you" and would ask for something, appreciate what they received and barely tantrumed as they did much earlier on. I could talk to them to resolve problems rather than punish with a stern word or a 'step' or 'corner' punishment.

Now I have noticed that the eldest has not changed much other than being more reliant on me, and the ones who undergo sporadic visitations are more argumentative and physical. The tantrums have increased and less active both physically and in communication. I have felt the need to lay down some ground rules with the biological because of what has been stated above, and through watching what he is like with them. I am not usually a judgemental person, but should I speak to him about how to conduct himself with the children for the sake of the children?

Any answers would be greatly appreciated. :)

OP posts:
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SandyY2K · 21/01/2018 00:58

I suggest you keep doing what you have been.

With regards to the calling of dad... I think you need to imagine how you'd view your bio child calling another man dad.

On the other hand...try to minimise the way you've been doing things.

Keep reminding them of their manners.

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NorthernSpirit · 21/01/2018 09:19

You sound like you’ve done a wounderful job, but there are a couple of watch outs for me. The children call you dad - how would you feel if your natural children called another man dad? The real father might not have been around but that I don’t agree with. I’m a SM and I would never have the children call me mum. They already have a mum and it’s not my place.

You also say in your post ‘when MY eldest came to me and asked to call me dad’. You say ‘before the fathers arrival MY children’. Yo do need to take a step back. Yes, you are a father figure to the kids but they are not your children. You need to give the dad some space - the children do have a right if they wish to have a relationship with him.

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TwoDots · 21/01/2018 11:09

I'm going to give you an opinion based on a step daughter

I have a relationship with my dad. He's a good man but went off the right path when I was growing up. We always had a relationship but he was never a parent to me

I have a step dad who came I to my life when I was 5 and literally saved my mother and I. He's a great man. I call him Dad and always have done. He is also my dad. He put in the work and my biological dad recognises that

My step dad even now (he split from Mum) refers to me as HIS daughter. He won't recognise the step part. His whole family are the same. He treats me the same as his biological son

I feel loved, included, and much happier as a result. Yes it may be difficult for my biological dad, but all the parents put my needs first when it came to this. If my step dad referred to me as his step daughter and corrected everyone when they assumed different or took 'a step back' I can honestly say it would hurt

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pigsinwings · 22/01/2018 08:10

Twodots, I think you are spot on. This is not about the feelings of that biological parent but of the children.
The children need to feel that the person taking on the role of their dad day to day feels that way and is fully committed. Else there will always be a gap, which I believe is not in the children's best interests.

The biological parent in this instance decided to step out, for whatever reason, and however they might feel about the kids calling someone else dad, they are adults and capable of understanding that their actions have consequences. Also, there is real value in knowing the children are loved and well cared for.

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