Is it about the kids or her?

[Louw12345]

When a mother and father, both exs talk access to the children. Father wants access and mum talks alot about the past and how she feels that she is not appreciated by the ex. And talks about the effort father puts in when he doesn't see them (coz she stops access).

Is this more about her or the children?

Pick and drop offs have been shared but not set in stone so he will pick them up and she tells me where to drop them off. Normally close to his home due to her family living their. Weekend access. The past year or just under he has picked them up and every other week she has got them.

She is on and off with access since my partner and I have been together. Kids allowed to come kids not. Planning christmas changing her mind then sending threats.

Now she's asking for family mediation, and saying it's his time he should pick them up and drop them off. But last week he wasn't allowed them coz he couldn't be trusted to bring them home. (Over christmas plans made she changed them so he said she had to pick them up).

I'm unsure if this is control, something to do with her feelings towards him. But it's definitely not about the kids as in messages to him she only talks about how she feels.

He replied with something saying it's better we are civil for the children, and they know they have 2 parents that love and support them as this is about the children having a relationship with both mum and dad.

I have posted before and it's been suggested that court would be the best option for him. So he has been collecting evidence of all texts etc.

Also he's unsure what to do. I mean he really wants to see his kids but last week she got them to ring him. Saying it's only fair that he picks them up and drops them off. Then he texts to say he's on his way, which she read then left it 30mins to tell him he's not having the kids.

I know all mums feel like they are over worked and do so much while dad's get friday to sunday fun with no drama but realistically what else can he have?

I must admit when my ex and I spit it didn't go easy, he didn't see them and I tried my hardest to do everything I could for him to be in the life. Eventally he started to see the kids and to see how happy they are now is so much better

Why would anyone want to take a child away from their parent?

[pollythedolly]

Because it's all about her and how she feels....

Think court has to be the way forward, there's no consistency for the children as it currently stands.

[NorthernSpirit]

The mother is controlling and does dictating - she’s using the children as a weapon and that’s wrong.

I can tell you from experience (my OH went through 2 years of hell - the mother controlling and dictating contact and withdrawing contact when she felt like it).

My OH has a contact order and it takes the mothers control away. Dads have as much right as the mum to see the kids.

Go for a contact order. It won’t get any better. You can’t ration with these woman. Your OH can easily represent himself. The children have a right to see their dad - the mum is stopping that right.

[Iwasjustabouttosaythat]

Well, if “he” was a useless sod when they were married she probably has serious doubts that he’s going to be capable now. He’s worried about what he’s lost but it’s likely she’s trying to get him to understand that it’s actually more work than just picking them up when and where she says...

[KayaG]

She sounds very controlling and with little feeling for her children. Court is the only way when you're dealing with someone so irrational.

[Justanotherzombie]

People and relationships are complex. A lot of men defer to their partner when together for home related stuff including most things child related. When they split women think they own the child related stuff typically. There's naturally massive attachment and resentment there when the father tries to either be more of a father (good thing) or use the situation to get at the mother (bad thing). Parents are human and unfortunately very capable of anger, resentment, retaliation, passive aggressive behaviour, selfishness etc. So many parents don't manage to overcome those feelings in a split, even for the sake of their kids. I can't criticise that. Even if one side want to take the high road it must be so so hard when the other side is fucking with your head and emotions and financial situation.

But unfortunately many men in splits behave badly and many women do too.

[Zampa]

The only way my OH resolved this issue was via a contact order.

but last week she got them to ring him. Saying it's only fair that he picks them up and drops them off

If the mother is using the children as her mouthpiece and manipulating them in such a way, CAFCASS and any judge would be very critical of her. Children should not be used in this way and it's incredibly bad for them to be involved in adult arguments. OP your partner needs to pull her up on this ASAP.

[Isadora2007]

If she has requested mediation he should definitely go for that. Even IF it is about the Mum wanting to talk about her feelings then maybe it is stuff he needs to hear. Maybe they both need a space to go over stuff that he feels is “in the past” but is still affecting her. Maybe if they resolve this all and can see a way to still feel like parents together then they can make a plan for the future that benefits the kids in the first place but also them both as well.

It sounds like you are a lovely person OP and I say this with the nicest intentions- but you need to back off. This isn’t about you at all, and it may just muddy the waters even when you are being helpful and kind and have the kids at heart. The less you can be involved and let them sort it out between them, let them be co-parents as that’s what they are.

Wishing you all well. Sounds like a lot of hurting going on.

[Louw12345]

Zampa he has but she blows up.

She always says my kids, my way.

His son said to him, mum said your a joke, his daughter said your not ment to say that mum said its a secret.

They are not allowed to talk about anything they do at home or school. Which is sometimes really frustrating because I know they want to they get excited but then stop or his daughter will hit his son on his arm and he stops talking. They are 6 and 5

We are noting everything down. And he's waiting on a mediation date.

[Louw12345]

Isadora2007 yes I said that to him today that I will be there for him and he has to do the rest himself. They have been not been together a long time and she has had 2 partners since, I know that means nothing but she moves on, acts happy then starts on him.

Its a little confusing at times. But like you said mediation could help put the past in the past. I must admit it did with my ex and I. Thank you for your advice I guess when he's upset it upsets me to.

[Isadora2007]

Of course it upsets you and it sounds like the poor kids are mucked about by her and that she really isn’t putting them first at all.

Hopefully the mediation will help challenge her on her behaviour. Many mediators are also couple counsellors so that would be good.

[QuiteLikely5]

The quicker you get a court order the better.

Women like this piss me off. They are causing lifelong emotional damage to their kids.

Don’t play her games.

Keep all the evidence and watch her face drop in court

[NorthernSpirit]

Totally agree with @ QuietLikey5. So many dads who can’t be arsed and you have a dad who wants to be in his children’s lives and the mother uses her own kids as weapons.

These women disgust me. My OH’s EW wants to punish her EW more than she loves the children. One time she stopped the kids seeing the dad for 4 weeks and they were so upset when he did get to see them. As a SM (who doesn’t get involved - it’s upto them to sort, I only emotion support my OH) I feel for the kids and dad. How bitterness and anger can cause so much pain for them.

If it’s any consolation - when she was back in court last year for breaching the order. The judge gave her a stern taking to and told her that if she continued her behaviour he would ‘take the children off her and they would live with the dad’. At Christmas when she was about to reuse my OH having them for NY (she had them for Christmas and it’s court orders one has them for Christmas and NY alternating) my OH reminded her of the judges words and she said he found have the kids ‘as a goodwill gesture’. I actually think that she is so bitter she’s unable to think live a relational adult.

Court is the only way.

[Louw12345]

NorthernSpirit can I message you?

[NorthernSpirit]

Yes feel free. Not sure how it works but please try.

[Samesituation]

Have had similar issues with my DH and his EW over the SC. She has been very very cunning, she has never stopped the children visiting their dad but she has put so much negativity into their minds. She is always slagging DH infrimng

[Samesituation]

Ooops post to soon teach me for trying to type with baby on lap!!

In front of the kids so much so that the time they are here has been so unpleasant for about the last 18 months. She would neve stop them coming as the time they spend with us is the only break she gets from them. Some of the things the kids have said to DH have been very hurtful, really upset him. They're great behind a keyboard- DH believes she is behind a lot of texts and emails etc.
I believe that she is so intent on trying to hurt DH, that it doesn't matter what she has to do. The desire to hurt DH via the kids is far greater than maintaining an amicable/ civil relationship for the sake of the kids.

[Biglettuce]

Court order, as specific as possible.

I wish I’d done this with my ex, who used contact to be abusive to me, and tell our son how terrible and infrequent contact was.

I spent years trying to appease, reason, be cordial, be fair. It’s no use with some people.