Step daughters behaviour

[exhausted79]

I have two step daughters, and 3 other children, two with my current partner of 11 years. my eldest step daughter who is also the eldest child by 3 weeks has become a complete nightmare. My step daughters both came to live with us 7 years ago after their alcoholic mother attempted suicide for the 2nd time. A court issued my partner with a residence order and told his ex to get counselling and herself out. We got counselling for the two girls and have had a family support worker and all manner of counsellors etc. My younger step daughter can be a pain like all kids so nothing over the top there. I get little support from her father who works nights. Shes lied about me in the past to the point the police and social services have been involved. They realised she was lying when her story changed several times. I know shes hurt and angry and their mother has only just started having regular contact with them now unsupervised. My step daughter is still lying about me, stealing, being rude and cheeky, refusing to behave and do what i have asked her to do. I have told my partner that she should now go to live with her mother and that I cannot look after her anymore. I ended up on anti depressants, shes run away from home and theres probably loads more. Dos anyone know what my rights are? I want to refuse to have her as its too much stress and my other children are being affected by it all, especially my two year old. I wanted to call social services and explain it to them but after one social worker made things up about me and my parter (she got the sack, we werent the only couple she had done this to) i am not keen to get them involved. If I take her to her moms and tell her mom that I dont want her back, I dont have to do i? Her dad feels its best she stays with her mom too as that is what she wants.

[lunar1]

Ow old is your step daughter?

[Truthstar]

What age is she?
Is it safe for her to live with her mum?
What does her mum say about having her back?

[exhausted79]

shes 14. x

[exhausted79]

shes is 14, 15 this year, yes it is safe for her to live with her mother but she will have difficulty getting her to school, her mother has told her shes wants her to live with her but cant get her to school. her nan usually walks her to school if she stays at her moms. Both step daughters didnt meet me at the car after school yesterday, switched their phones off and ignored their dads and my texts and calls. they stayed at their moms overnight and their nan has taken them to school as nan lives two minutes from their mom. xx

[SoupDragon]

I would say she still needs more counselling. Is this still ongoing or has it stopped?

[Devilishpyjamas]

Can’t she walk herself to school at 14?

[SoupDragon]

Xpost - it sounds like they are stuck between two parents. Is the mother likely to be feeding them misinformation in an effort to “win” them and alienate you and their father?

[Abitlost2015]

Does your husband have an active role in her parenting?

[Devilishpyjamas]

Sorry, missed the point a bit there.

If it’s safe for her to live at her mums and SS won’t start safeguarding procedures then I guess it’s a decision for you and your dh.

It sounds difficult.

[OpenthePickles]

It sounds like this can be easily sorted. It sounds as if they both want to stay with their DM..their DM wants them to stay, you want them to stay with their DM and so does your husband. Their nan can take them to school. At 14 I would imagine the oldest could take herself to and from school anyway. I don't really see this as a huge problem.

[exhausted79]

thank you for all the replies, we have had so many councillors involved, trainee social workers who have qualified then left so they kept have new people looking after them which meant they were 'used' in my eyes as cases for each new trainee so thats meant they have had to go over and over what has happened to them, my eldest step daughter has self harmed and we have taken her to the doctors etc.
we had a family support worker who said we were doing everything right but unfortunately my step daughters personnality just wont change so thats just who she is, so not very helpful. i have tried getting hr to write down her emotions, put her on a ban when she's been cheeky or not listening but thats after several times of the same behavour, tried star charts when they were younger and offered insentives like days out etc.
Our area is not great and although it only take about ten minutes to get to school in the car it takes around 40 minutes for them to walk it.
yes their mother and nan have often told the girls to lie to us and they are told that i am wrong and that i cannot discipline them etc. My partner works nights and difficult hours so is barely there in the morning before school and usually asleep when they children come home from school. he does his best with discipline but i think he leaves it to me more as hes not usually awake. hes been woken up lots though by her stomping up the stairs and slamming doors etc and hes told her it cannot go on. hes tried the soft approach and spoken to their mom and nan, their nan agrees with him in front of the girls but later on we hear that shes slated us so theres just no consistancy which makes matters worse. I have suggested to my partner that she have more counselling but the problem I have is the effect on my own mental health now and the other children witnessing her behaviour. i am worn out and nothing we try seems to work. i told my partner i do not want to be on my own with her any longer as this gives her the opportunity to lie about me, her behaviour gets worse when shes disciplined and then she walks out the house and has ran away before so I have had to call the police. shes damaged and it is now taking its toll on our family life and relationship. I dont see why her mom just cant take responsibility for her. Shes told her daughter she wants her there but has done nothing about it so in my eyes she doesnt want her full time and giving her false hope.

[Abitlost2015]

I feel for you. I also feel for her, both her parents appear to be not very involved in her day to day... she may be acting up on you the anger she has towards them.

[Twogoround]

If they want to go to their mums let them

[exhausted79]

yeah i do feel sorry for her also but its too much for me to cope with any longer and far too much for the other children. i dol let them go to their moms and my partner has said the eldest can live there but their mom is saying she cant have them as she cant get them to school, the youngst one has said she doesnt want to live with her mom

[Quartz2208]

Your husband needs to step up - at the moment she is being abandoned by both her parents

Is it the eldest or the youngest

[exhausted79]

shes the eldest, her dad has asked her so many times why shes got so much hate towards me and she says she doesnt know. she used to be a pain when she was younger but nothing on this scale. her mom told her and her sister neither of them were allowed to love me so her dad thinks that it has started from them. my partner has told me in anger that if i dont look after his eldest then we are finished, i hope he doesnt really mean it as that to me means she has won and we have two lovely boys together and his youngest step daughter wants to live with us

[Quartz2208]

I think you also have a partner issue if he said that to you. He cant expect you to take all of it without doing anything

[Hercules12]

Poor kid. Two shit parents. She's not your responsibility though.

[Hercules12]

This thread shouldn't be about her behaviour which is understandable considering poor parenting but more about do you really want her dad in your life.

[twattymctwatterson]

She has won? She's a 14 year old child. Her early life is filled with trauma, her mum fills her head with rubbish but rejects her at the same time. She self harms (which is typical with trauma survivors). Her dad is shit, you are trying to have her thrown out of her home. Yeah she's really won.

[NightRaven52]

How old are your other children?

[SandyY2K]

Your partner is being ridiculous. Her mother won't have her and he's saying it's over if you won't? Despite the effect on the rest of the family.

Tough. She has two crap parents and you'll have a breakdown if this carries on.

I'd end the relationship in favour of your health.

[lunar1]

You need to end this. As crap as he is as a parent your husband is going to have to parent her and live with her. Her mum says she wants her back, but it's all talk by the sound of it. He doesn't have the option to send her anywhere.

I feel so sorry for her as she never stood a chance at a happy life. All you can do for your own sanity is separate.

[KalaLaka]

as that to me means she has won

That's so sad. She's hurting; that's why her behaviour is bad. Contact the children's society and see if they have any therapeutic services in your area. Your stepdaughter has been traumatised and needs help.

[exhausted79]

when i say she has won what i mean is me and her dad will split up, he cant have her cos of the hours he works and she will go to live with her mom all without any of the guidance etc she really needs. she has told the OH that if she behaves badly for me then she can live with her mother. hes told her theres no way that can happen and shes going about it all wrong. her mother still hasn't had any professional help either. she came out a violent relationship two months ago and again the girls were told to lie to us to say she wasn't back with this thug. their maternal nan is supposed to supervise contact but we found out she wasn't so stopped contact for a while but i felt that this was hurting them more so i contacted their nan and said they need to see their mom. now the OH thinks that the girls are ok there so contact isnt even supervised any longer. i just feel stuck and unsure what to do for her for the best but without this making me more stressed in the mean time as i cant put up with her behaviour towards me any longer. i have asked the OH to get more counselling for her and to actually sit down and talk to her again