Nephews stepmum

(44 Posts)
Dazedandconfuzzled Sun 14-Jan-18 17:27:24

Just looking for some advice about what to do about my nephews new stepmum. My sister and her ex broke up around 6 years ago and have successfully coparented my nephew who's 8 ever since.
Her ex has recently got engaged and moved in with his fiance. Up until now my nephew has got on with her well. My nephew stays at his dad's every weekend. My nephew has asked if he can have a new bed cover for his new room and a picture on the wall, all to do with his favourite football team. His new stepmum has said no because it's a guest room not his room.
My nephew now doesn't want to stay at his dad's overnight as he says she doesn't like him etc. My sister doesn't know how to approach it with her ex as he seems to think that it's not a big deal but obviously it is to my nephew
Any advice?

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Cloudyapples Sun 14-Jan-18 17:33:49

Before she came along was it his room? And now she has decided it’s a guest room? Did they move somewhere new? Either way I don’t see why he can’t have a new bed cover at the very least - surely she changes the sheets between guests so it’s no extra bother to have one he likes?

Dazedandconfuzzled Sun 14-Jan-18 17:44:47

They have moved to a new place, he used to have a bedroom at his dad's old house but that was rented and they have bought this house.

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AnneLovesGilbert Sun 14-Jan-18 17:52:16

He’s there every weekend, he should have his own room. Bedding etc is a really important part of making a child feel at home.

But while your sister can try and talk to her ex about this, she can’t make him and his fiancé do anything.

wheresthel1ght Sun 14-Jan-18 17:57:48

She definitely needs to speak to her ex.

My dscs have their own rooms, decorated as the requested and with whatever rubbish they happen to be currently into adorning the walls...

The stepmum's behaviour is abhorrent

user1493413286 Sun 14-Jan-18 18:20:54

It sounds like the girlfriend doesn’t quite get that it’s his home too; we use my DSDs room as a guest bedroom when she isn’t there but it’s decorated in all her stuff so she knows it’s her room. You’d expect he’d have toys there too.
His mum needs to address it with her ex in whatever way she can and explain how much it’s effecting their son

Dazedandconfuzzled Sun 14-Jan-18 18:35:18

My sister has said something at pick up and the reply has been that he will talk to her but it's her house too..... hopefully she will ease up or I can only see My nephews behaviour getting worse.

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wheresthel1ght Sun 14-Jan-18 19:24:30

He is right, it is her house too but it is also his sons house!

DonnyAndVladSittingInATree Sun 14-Jan-18 19:27:29

Oh FgS! Even if it is a guest room, is she seriously saying the child can’t have his own duvet cover and a poster while he is there? I mean how often are they having guests that it would be a massive inconvenience to take the poster down and change the duvet cover?

DonnyAndVladSittingInATree Sun 14-Jan-18 19:28:42

Surely anyone visiting a couple with a child would have no issue at all with the child’s thing she being in the room while they stayed? Why would anyone mind that? It’s a family home not a B&B!

MummySparkle Sun 14-Jan-18 19:33:19

Your sister needs to talk to her ex.

Step mum needs to allow your nephew to have that as his bedroom. He deserves his own duvet cover and one or two pictures on the walls (I'd go for canvasses - really easy to take down and swap for something neutral). And some dedicated storage for his toys / stuff for when he's there. I can't think of any guest staying that would begrudge a toy cupboard / desk / whatever in the room so long as it's tidy.

grinchymcgrinchface Sun 14-Jan-18 19:52:46

Hmm. Is it the only spare room? Are they planning to have a baby?
This is the only sort of 'reasonable' explanation I can think of. As your nephew has a permanent room at his mums their child would also need a permanent room.
But if it's not the only spare room the step mum is being unreasonable. Otherwise I can kind of understand if the house is small and is half hers, stuff that is there and not being used 5/7ths of the week could get annoying. Particularly if it doesn't look very nice.
Probably get slammed for that opinion but oh well.

Notreallyarsed Sun 14-Jan-18 19:54:17

It’s not spare, it’s his. She is with his dad, therefore she takes them as a package. He’s a mug for lying down to it.

OfficerVanHalen Sun 14-Jan-18 19:57:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

grinchymcgrinchface Sun 14-Jan-18 20:00:58

Is it her house though? He was in rented before so he may not have as much say? Not defending her behaviour really, I think if there is more than one 'extra' room they should dedicate it as his room.
All I'm thinking is that if there is one extra room and they are planning on having a child would it not be more cruel to give him a room and then take it away later? I don't know, if they're not planning another child and it's not the only guest room then she is an arse.

Dazedandconfuzzled Sun 14-Jan-18 20:04:55

I don't know if they are planning on having a baby but she's not pregnant atm, they are getting married next year. It's only a 2 bed house. My sister has talked to him so we will see what happens next week.
I can understand not decorating in bright colours etc but he just wants a duvet and a picture. He doesn't have any toys there atm, they are at his grandparents and havent been moved into the new house yet.

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Happies Sun 14-Jan-18 20:05:11

As a child of divorced parents...we stayed at my dads house every other weekend at ( my dad moved in with his girlfriend) we had to sleep on pullout beds/sofas each time. We were made to feel like guests and not part of the family. It's a big deal and it's something that should've been sorted before buying a house really!
Obviously it's not always ideal for every child of a merged family to have their own room but they should have their own space.
Why can't it be his room but guest can use it when he doesn't stay? How often will they have guests anyway? Xx

Dazedandconfuzzled Sun 14-Jan-18 20:05:45

They bought the house together.

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DonnyAndVladSittingInATree Sun 14-Jan-18 20:16:22

It really would be so easy to personalise the room for the big whilst he is there and remove it when he isn’t. Neutral walls and curtains. Duvet cover, Kallax storage for toys with baskets/lidded boxes under bed storage, colourful rug that can be rolled away, wedge canvas hooks on the walls that can be switched for guest friendly canvases. Honestly, I cannot imagine being so mean as to not allow a little boy his own duvet cover!!

SandyY2K Sun 14-Jan-18 20:18:29

Some stepmums aren't nice at all. Your poor nephew.

Notreallyarsed Sun 14-Jan-18 20:23:31

Why doesn’t your nephew’s dad speak up for his son? He’s the one who should be dealing with this and making sure his son feels at home in their house.

grinchymcgrinchface Sun 14-Jan-18 20:25:56

I don't know why they can't put a different duvet cover on as they will wash it and can put a different one on after. That does seem very harsh. It's not even like kids duvet covers are expensive.
But the two bedroom thing, I kind of get why she doesn't want to paint walls and things. Especially if they are getting married and babies are on the cards. If they've just moved house maybe they are planning on making it his own space but haven't got round to it yet with the stresses of moving? Who knows.

Dazedandconfuzzled Sun 14-Jan-18 20:36:15

His dad although not a bad guy is very passive in general, he has lived his life avoiding conflict wherever possible. I doubt they will have many guests as they both have family close by.
My sister's biggest fear is them having a baby and basically ignoring my nephew afterwards. When they first got together his dad canceled a few weekends because she wanted couples time. Luckily for my nephew his grandparents (dad's side) get on well with my sister so are always there as a backup when his dad had cancelled on short notice

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Notreallyarsed Sun 14-Jan-18 20:44:50

He’s a shitebag. No decent parent puts a partner over their child, resident or not. She sounds like a fucking arsehole as well, they’re as bad as each other.

grinchymcgrinchface Sun 14-Jan-18 20:54:38

It's rubbish. Only thing is that your sister can't really do anything about it. She can talk to him but what goes on in their house (unless abusive etc) is up to them just as what goes on in your sisters house is up to her. That's just what happens when couples with children split up, there is no one set of rules. If your sister starts criticising them they may get defensive and it will make the problem worse. They could then start criticising choices she makes in her home which she might find invasive.

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