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Adult ss and holidays

(76 Posts)
Aroundtheworldandback Sun 14-Jan-18 16:59:25

Ss 21 lives with his mum a 3 hr trip away. He refuses to have anything to do with me, never been able to give dh an explanation as to what his problem is with me. He therefore meets up with dh alone which is fine by me as I gave up after my last conciitory attempt a year ago. They spend a day together whenever ss is free.

He has always been asked on family holidays but refuses to come due to my presence. He is now telling dh he wants a holiday alone with him, or just him and dh’s other children.

I said to dh that when ss gets married (he has a serious gf), if anyone suggested he was welcome on holiday but not his wife, he’d be understandably upset.It seems dh is expected to have separate holidays- which is ridiculous. Am I being unreasonable?

OP’s posts: |
Lovely333 Sun 14-Jan-18 17:04:12

How long have you been together and do you have kids together?

MidnightExpress1 Sun 14-Jan-18 17:23:31

How long have you been together? Were you the ow? Or the reason for his parents relationship ending? I don’t know why at age he would go on family holidays still tbh.

MsGameandWatching Sun 14-Jan-18 17:24:58

I don't actually think there's anything wrong with a father a son or indeed any parent and their adult child having a holiday away together.

MidnightExpress1 Sun 14-Jan-18 18:12:23

Msgameandwatching an odd holiday maybe but to expect op to be excluded from going away all the time so her dh goes away with his adult son is abit much to expect. This is an adult man.

MadMags Sun 14-Jan-18 18:14:23

It's a bit odd.

He sounds very immature for an adult.

What's made him suddenly decide he wants a family holiday?!

user1493413286 Sun 14-Jan-18 18:17:13

I would think it was fine for him to go away with just his dad if he just wanted time with his dad but he’s purposefully excluding you and I don’t think that should be rewarded with a holiday.

MsGameandWatching Sun 14-Jan-18 18:19:10

but to expect op to be excluded from going away all the time so her dh goes away with his adult son is abit much to expect.

But he hasn't asked for that. He's asked for "a holiday" with his father.

MadMags Sun 14-Jan-18 18:20:41

Tell him to grow up, would be my suggestion.

MidnightExpress1 Sun 14-Jan-18 18:22:23

He wouldn’t even engage with op whatsoever so of course he wants to go away on holiday without her regularly as he’s not prepared to have it any other way. It isn’t necessary a holiday just him and his dad as it was meantioned her dh other dc so it’s deliberately excluding her from joining everyone. As an adult man he should accept that his father has a wife and not expect her to be excluded in that way.

Twooter Sun 14-Jan-18 18:23:50

I can completely understand him wanting to have a holiday with just his dad. He is being unreasonable about not seeing you the rest of the time ( unless you were the OW or horrible in other ways )

MsGameandWatching Sun 14-Jan-18 18:44:29

I think making a fuss about this is attempting to "win" and force the husband to choose. I don't agree that children have to accept and have relationships with the people their parents choose to have relationships with. It's better for all concerned if they do because it makes life more pleasant and straight forward but it shouldn't be forced and I think refusing to holiday alone with your child because he doesn't like the step parent is prioritising the marital relationship over the parent/child one. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a child, whatever his age, wanting to spend periods of time alone with their parent without their step parent, it doesn't mean they need to grow up at all, it's perfectly normal and sometimes the best you can hope for as a step parent is courtesy, you can't make people accept and like you. I'd back right off and say fair enough, off you go and I would just do my own thing while they were gone. You never know it could even improve the relationship when he sees that she's willing to do the adult thing and back off. Might also give Dad the chance to work on him a bit.

llangennith Sun 14-Jan-18 18:53:30

However old he is a son doesn’t dictate that he wants a holiday with his DF leaving the wife behind.
I hope your DH tells him kindly but firmly that it’s not going to happen.

MsGameandWatching Sun 14-Jan-18 18:57:11

But how do you even know he's "dictating"? He's asked his Dad if they can holiday alone. Why wouldn't you just let them? He doesn't like her, why not just let them get on with it? What are you trying to force? A holiday all together? That no one wants to be on? I don't get what outcome is being hoped for.

MadMags Sun 14-Jan-18 19:01:21

The best you can hope for sometimes is courtesy, yes.
And OP doesn’t even get that.

The fact that he wants to holiday with the younger dc, too is spiteful.

Including them in the request for a holiday is 100% making sure OP is left out. So yeah, I’d say at 21 pulling stunts like that he does need to grow up.

MidnightExpress1 Sun 14-Jan-18 19:01:50

The son wants to holiday at 21 when he has a serious partner with his fellow siblings and excludes his df wife that’s not really acceptable to expect. The op has taken a step back and her dh sees his ds on his own but this is a grown man for some reason will not accept op and is now wanting to control holidays aswell.

tiptopteepe Sun 14-Jan-18 19:04:12

I think like pp have said that it would be fine for them to go away together as father and son if it were the case that he just wanted some one on one time with his dad. Thats not the case hear however, he is purposefully trying to exclude you and that is not okay. I think you and your partner need to stand firm on this so that he knows he cant set you against each other.

MsGameandWatching Sun 14-Jan-18 19:08:02

So basically he can never Holiday with his Dad because he doesn't like his Dad's wife? I honestly wouldn't force my husband to choose and that's what this is, making him choose between his wife or his son. If he liked the OP then he'd be allowed to go on holiday with his Dad presumably? If he pretended to like her they'd be allowed to go? Sorry I think it's wrong to try to prevent it and the marital relationship does not trump the parent child relationship.

But I am clearly in the minority and happy to be as I would hate to not be big enough person that I needed to obstruct this, anyway will leave it there.

MadMags Sun 14-Jan-18 19:14:00

You’re determined to paint this as something it’s not.

DH sees and spends time with SS alone.

SS hasnt just said he wants to go with his dad, but with everyone but OP. And you think that’s perfectly fine?

MidnightExpress1 Sun 14-Jan-18 19:14:06

MsGameandWatching This is an adult man who is a long term relationship and settled down. I had a baby at his age. I don’t know any adult who holidays alone with their parent tbh or their parents especially when they have a partner. It would be interesting to see if his partner would expected to go. It’s clear his is trying to manipulate a situation in order to put op in her place by deliberately excluding her. I speak as RP. I would be telling my ds that it’s not appropriate behaviour at that age to be excluding his fathers DW in that way.

tiptopteepe Sun 14-Jan-18 19:14:25

its the ADULT son forcing the dad to chose, which he is blatantly doing to try and cause problems between them. That sort of behviour should not be pandered to.

If it were a case of him wanting to spend time with his dad alone that would be one thing but the comments he made about being happy to go with the other children indicate that this is about expressing anger towards the OP not about any desire to spend quality time with his father.

They should put on a united front to show that the sons behaviour will not damage their relationship. Of course the son does not need to 'like' the OP. But he needs to behave with decency and respect at the very least.

selfishcrab Sun 14-Jan-18 19:25:16

Spending time together is fine and a good thing.
Excluding you from a holiday and even worse if the others go a family holiday is not on. He's an adult!
If my DS or my DSS were this rude they'd be told no not an option, they can always spend time alone anytime they would want with DH or I but that is taking the piss.
Yes it is his choice if he excepts OP or not I get that but he doesn't get to exclude her like this, thats rude and spiteful.

AnneLovesGilbert Sun 14-Jan-18 19:30:28

YANBU at all. What does DH think?

He’s a brat. An adult brat. And DH pandering to him is going to make him think his behaviour is okay when it really isn’t.

Aroundtheworldandback Sun 14-Jan-18 22:48:58

No kids together and definitely wasn’t ow. he Wants to go skiing, can’t afford it on his own and says he wants to spend quality time with dh. He’s happy for his own siblings to go with, but not my kids.

I know dh would like to go but is worried about upsetting me, but just as worried about ss cutting him off (as one of his brothers once did). For me it isn’t about the holiday, it’s about the principle of ss demanding respect for his gf from dh, but not willing to pay me, his dad’s wife, the same courtesy. When I suggested to dh that if it was, as ss says, about spending quality time together, could they not just go somewhere in this country and have a fun few days together? It turns out, no. It just bugs me that at 21, he feels entitled to dictate the holiday and who goes.

OP’s posts: |
Aroundtheworldandback Sun 14-Jan-18 22:54:27

I wouldn’t even mind so much if it was just him and dh, but his siblings too- that means dh would be pandering to their fantasy that he didn’t remarry and that I dont exist.

OP’s posts: |

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