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Dsc and op

(63 Posts)
Teapotmadam Sun 14-Jan-18 12:15:16

My dh had just had a very major ok, he is likely to be in hispital for around 10 days.

We usually have the dsc (12 & 14) Wednesday night's and either Friday through to Sunday or Saturday through to Monday morning.

Dh and I have a 2 yo so at the moment I am working full time, loiking after dd and visiting dh when we/I .can. I am knackered and worried.

My question is dhs dexw thinks that I should continue the contact as usual, I feel as there dad is not here it is not up to me to continue, I am frankly tired and I don't really want the added strain of having two near teenage dsc for the entire weekend.

We do get along great but they don't help around the house, it's extra cooking and cleaning and tidying for me and with their dad not being there I think it's unfair on me.

I have taken them to the hospital to see their dad and have offered to take them any evening. Exw is furious and says that they're my responsibility on those days.

I don't know if everything that is happening is clouding my judgement and I am being a dick or whether under extraordinary circumstances she could just be fucking helpful for once.

OP’s posts: |
Heratnumber7 Sun 14-Jan-18 12:20:11

My POV is that they are not YOUR responsibility, they are their father's responsibility. His temporary medical condition means he is unable to be responsible for them.

However, if you feel they are part of your family, or want them to feel as if they are part of your family, and that your home is also their home, even when their Dad is ill, I think you should have them to your house as normal.

Figrollsnotfatrolls Sun 14-Jan-18 12:22:47

At 12+14 they should be able to make a quick tea for themselves! And for you and your dc!! Don't keep them away, include them as per usual. Investment of time with teens is well rewarded ime. Don't divide between the dc or they may resent the toddler in time!!

Teapotmadam Sun 14-Jan-18 12:26:50

They don't make a quick tea though they don't do anything, it'll just be more work for me.

Obviously I am being unreasonable but I feel for the sake of 10 days and to make a stressful period slightly easier they can stay with their mum. I am still seeing them and taking them to see their dad, so not cut them out or ignoring them.

Dh has a long road to recovery and when hes home he wont be able to do much fro himself and I full expect and am happy for the dsc to resume normal contact as he's there.

OP’s posts: |
VimFuego101 Sun 14-Jan-18 12:29:16

Does the ex rely on you to provide childcare so she can work on those days? If they were younger and you not having them was preventing her from working I would say you should stick to the arrangement if possible, but they're teenagers so presumably could look after themselves for a few hours.

Teapotmadam Sun 14-Jan-18 12:30:32

No she works Monday to Friday nirmal office hours like I do

OP’s posts: |
stitchglitched Sun 14-Jan-18 12:30:46

No, you have enough on your plate with a toddler, full time job and trips back and forth to the hospital. You have also taken them to visit their Dad and have offered to continue to do so. These are exceptional circumstances and of course they should stay with their Mum this weekend. She is being utterly unreasonable to demand this of you.

AnneLovesGilbert Sun 14-Jan-18 13:11:11

What does your DH think? The idea that DC that age don’t pitch in and look after themselves is horrifying but as that’s the case I don’t think you can carry on with contact while DH is in hospital and you have so much on your plate.

I’ll be honest, the fact that she’s “furious” would make me even less likely to help. She has no right to your time or your free childcare.

“It’s not possible, DH isn’t here, normal contact will continue when he’s home. I’ll carry on taking them to visit him in hospital”. If she kicks off just ignore her.

At their age you can liaise with them direct on hospital visits.

Her whole approach is completely unreasonable. You’re still seeing the DC, they’re still seeing their dad. You don’t owe anyone more than that and you’re exhausted.

Figrollsnotfatrolls Sun 14-Jan-18 13:13:50

You need to whip them into shape. May not be your dc but it's your home and they should be helpful imo!!
You are not out of order in spelling out your expectations at this time - they need to realise they aren't guests!!

Placeboooooooo Sun 14-Jan-18 13:29:25

Could you compromise on maybe having them half the time that you usually do.

I don’t actually see this as your responsibility, plus they’re old enough to look after themselves for a period of time. You also sound as though you have enough to contend with at the moment.

Hope OH recovers from his op x

ohreallyohreallyoh Sun 14-Jan-18 15:01:28

Was the op an emergency? If not, why did he not discuss it with the ex before the op and if necessary, come up with some kind of alternative arrangement? It is not your responsibility. I quite agree, but in any situation other than an emergency, it is not unreasonable to expect other arrangements to be made or agreed upon.

flippityfloppity Sun 14-Jan-18 15:09:06

Of course yanbu.

swingofthings Sun 14-Jan-18 15:12:24

What a selfish and insensitive person! Surely for 10 days she could make an exception to contact arrangement and understand the pressure you are under. Unless she had plans to go away and having the kids will really mess this up, I can't imagine anyone so uncaring.

Notreallyarsed Sun 14-Jan-18 15:18:30

I wouldn’t insist on DS1 going in those circumstances, I think she’s being very unreasonable especially since he won’t even be there!

DontDIY Sun 14-Jan-18 15:33:58

She’s BVU!

Your DH and her should have discussed this before now and asked for your input.

My ex had to work away for a fortnight last year and his wife was happy to keep DS on his usual nights, but didn’t, apart from one that I needed help on. I was glad of the extra time with my son and he was happy to stay at ours, but knowing he was welcome up there if he wanted to visit (and you have still been seeing them)

At the end of the day, it’s the responsibility of the parents. Anything a SP is willing to do is a bonus, not a right.

MidnightExpress1 Sun 14-Jan-18 15:41:10

DS DF is no stranger to hospital stays due to a childhood cancer he’s had several operations over the years. I would never expect his dw to care for ds if he was in hospital but I’ve said she’s welcome to take him up to visit and she has done and dropped ds back.

SoupDragon Sun 14-Jan-18 15:45:33

If XH wasn’t going to be there, there’s no way I would send my DC to stay. That’s madness surely?

ElChan03 Sun 14-Jan-18 19:11:17

That's really bizarre. I think you've got enough on your plate. It's 10 days, so 3 in the grand scheme of things and you've been taking them to the hospital to see their dad.
She's bvu.

LineysRunt Sun 14-Jan-18 19:17:26

At that age, my ExH was with his 2ndW. There's no way I'd have sent them to stay under those circs (and no toddler involved!).

And I'd have been grateful that she took them on hospital visits.

Why isn't she facilitating hospital visits? Is there some backstory (and sorry if I've missed something / x-posted)?

SandyY2K Sun 14-Jan-18 22:17:29

YANBU... stand your ground.

MrsPworkingmummy Sun 14-Jan-18 22:28:27

In my opinion, you are not being unreasonable. I am guessing that the relationship between your DH and his ex is not a good one, therefore she is trying to be as awkward as possible. Whilst it's important to maintain contact arrangements, these are exceptional circumstances and I think you are right to stop the overnight contact whilst their dad is in hospital . I'm sure if you're honest with your DSC too, they will understand that you're emotionally drained, tired and need a rest. Have you got support from grandparents? Could they help out with your toddler so you can look after your husband and take some time for yourself?

Wdigin2this Sun 14-Jan-18 22:47:00

They are their DF's responsibility, if he isn't there to see to them, they don't come to you...end of!

lunar1 Sun 14-Jan-18 22:52:00

Let's face it, it's your dh and his ex's fault that they can't come. If it was my 9 year old you'd want him there. He'd make you tea and sandwiches and clean the house, even my 6 year old sounds better trained!

ohreallyohreallyoh Sun 14-Jan-18 23:29:35

They are their DF's responsibility. They are indeed. So if this wasn’t an emergency, what discussions were had with the ex? What if for some reason the ex was unable to have the children? What has dad done to overcome that? Why is it their mother’s responsibility to step in on their father’s parenting time? Why does he assume his ex is his emergency back up?

Why isn't she facilitating hospital visits? You’re kidding, right? The ex should travel who knows how far, pay petrol and parking, sit around for potentially hours? Nothing better to do with her evenings? That’s her responsibility? Fine if the ex has no family or partner but goodness me, I can imagine the ‘the ex turned up at the hospital’ posts!

There is too little info provided to make a proper judgement but it can’t be assumed that in anything other than an emergency that the ex should drop everything and step in.

swingofthings Mon 15-Jan-18 06:19:39

They are their DF's responsibility, if he isn't there to see to them, they don't come to you...end of!

This is ridiculous. So if mum suddenly decides to go away on holiday with her friends for 2 weeks and her partner decides after two days that he has enough of looking after them, it's ok for him to drop them off at their dad because their mum is not there to look after them and they are not his responsibility!

In essence, hospital or not, he should sort out who looks after the children if he can't, but anyone with a bit of humanity would understand that in this situation, on an exceptional basis, it's not the end of the world to keep the children (who are old enough to do most things for themselves) one week-end.

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