This is a Premium feature
To use this feature subscribe to Mumsnet Premium - get first access to new features see fewer ads, and support Mumsnet.Start using Mumsnet Premium
Should i be obliged to have 2 step kids while mum goes out to party?(59 Posts)
Should i be obliged to have 2 step kids while mum goes out to party?
relationship has been less than a year, although we do live together, and admittedly she will do more around the house than i do, and i am at the moment unemployed, and money is a real issue for us. She says that a part of being a step parent is having the kids so she can go out all night, get trashed, and come back between 5 - 8am, which she calls letting her hair down.
i haven't been out once, but she has offered to be fair, but because i couldnt really afford it, and we haven't really been out together much recently, i felt a sense of guilt, and didn't really want to go out. and i have already looked after the kids for 1 night for her, although she was back much earlier than 5am
Kids are 4 and 9, and don't really take me that serioiusly, i try not to shout, but if i don't im hardly listened to, 9 year old has a pretty wild attitude for her age, but loving and caring when she's in the mood.
i fully intend to be working full time soon, So i'm wondering, is she right to expect me to take on the kids like that? would if differ with employment? shouldn't we be going out together instead? if its fair? i'm really unsure and would love some advice.
If you've no Intention of looking after her kids as you would your own, stop wasting her time and just leave.
However, I will say I feel it's irresponsible on her behalf to have someone living with her DC after a year.
It's not really much to ask, is it? To look after two children so there mum can go out?
Especially if your not out at work all day?
Do the children live with you and their mum?
i do look after her kids as they are my own, i'll cook for them, tidy their rooms, and the other malarky that goes with it, i do help around ya know!
is it fair for me to be sat at home with her kids while she's out partying once a month? is that a reasonable expectation? we haven't really gone out as a couple much, our dates were cheap nights in. and 1 or 2 pints in a pub.
So you’re living with her without making any contribution either financially or practically and you can’t see your way to babysitting for one evening?
There’s a name for men like you.
Do you want to go out?
Can you afford to go out?
Is there someone available to babysit?
Is this a reverse or a joke?
I don’t think you should be relied on for babysitting necessarily, but you are there anyway, so why not? I think she is right in going out though. How are you supporting yourself while out of work? Does your girlfriend work?
It's less than a year and you sound miserable and faintly resentful.
It's not much of a relationship really is it?
I'd get out now unless you have some magical loved-upness to describe ?
So you’re not working at the moment and yet she does more of the housework? How is that fair? (Unless she’s also not working?) It sounds like a bit of babysitting is the least you can do!
Well it would be nice to go out together too, but if you have chosen to move in with a woman with children then it’s pretty normal to do childcare. Some couples do go out alone, others prefer not to - it’s really down to individuals. We rarely go out at all but we have three very young children. However DH is a sahd and I work long hours but still do plenty at home.
You say you don’t do as much housework but you intend to work ft soon. May I ask why you don’t do 50%? If you were single and working ft you would have to do 100%. Even as the breadwinner I make sure I do stuff at home, I wouldn’t let dh run himself ragged because I earn money for my work.
Maybe she sees going out as her fun time because to her the home is not a sanctuary but a place of work - I wouldn’t want to spend Saturday night in the office!
Could you find some fun things to do with the children? A movie night? Baking? Making pizza? Then take your turn out next week? Or arrange a family member to have the children next week and go for a drink with her or the cinema or even a walk in the park if you are a bit skint.
You're sat on your arse all day living in her house for free and you resent babysitting for one night? Maybe she wants to go out alone to get away from you.
You say you hope to be working soon, there's a job lined up is there? And why are you living with her, where were you before?
Tbh you're coming across as a lazy, resentful cocklodger.
She can't get a sitter in though can she? Unless the sitter sits and chats with you? She can't be expected to stay in all her life as she has kids
I think staying out until 8am is a bit excessive though
You are not "obliged" though. You could always move out.
As it is you have chosen to live as a part of this family, so you are not "babysitting", you are simply at home looking after the children of the family while your partner goes out. If you are unhappy about her going out talk to her about it.
i do look after her kids as they are my own
Clearly not if you are asking this question!
Where is the kids dad?
I have no problem with DH going out and leaving me with DSD but her and I get along really well and DH and I got out together when she is at her mums.
Obviously you're not obliged to do anything.
But if you love this woman and want to spend the rest of your life with her, which includes making a family with her and her children, then why on earth wouldn't you look after them? I don't understand your objection. If they don't listen to you, that's probably because you dont have a strong bond with them and they don't see you as a respected figure in their lives yet. That's your job to initiate and work at. If that's not for you, don't waste everybody's time, just move on!
You'd be best with a woman who doesnt have kids tbh.
One night a month doesn't seem excessive...but personally I don't support the whole going out, getting trashed and coming home at 5am sounds immature and irresponsible.
Where is she till that time of anyway?
I think she's probably pissed off you're not working yet she's doing more around the house!!
This is what happen when you move with someone before you get to really know them, let alone lay some 'rules' around how things will work out.
There is no 'yes it's right', 'no, it's wrong', there is 'what we've discussed, agreed was fair and suits both of us'.
I would suggest you start discussing eachother's expectations around your relationship and the dynamism's of you family life or it won't be long until resentment takes over both of you and end bitterly.
Out of curiosity, did you even know that she enjoyed going out on her own/with her girlfriends getting trashed and coming back in the early hours before you moved in with her?
So you’re dating someone with children, you don’t work so I assume she’s paying all the bills and you think you shouldn’t help out with the kids once a month so she can go out with her friends??? Are you for real?
I wouldn’t even have to ask my partner and we don’t even live together yet - we muck in with childcare with each other’s kids all the time!
Last weekend I wanted to go out with my friends so he stayed at mine so he could watch my kids, dropped me off at my friends house and even had snacks waiting for me when I got in! That’s what a loving partner does!!! And I do the same for him all the time.
I’m assuming you’re not immature enough to really think she’s out of order for going out whilst her kids are asleep... it sounds like you’re more resentful that you haven’t had a turn to go out yourself recently. The only way to rectify that is to get a job, get earning and then you can afford a night out yourself!
If even then you resent looking after her children (who are asleep!!!) once a month then you need to re-evaluate want you want. It sounds like you’re not cut out for stepparenting tbh
SandyY2K why is that irresponsible if she has childcare sorted? I’m planning on doing exactly that tonight and I’m 30yrs old, 2 children and a very respectful job. Don’t be judgey.
Once a month then I don't see the problem with you having them at all, if it was constant then I would find her a bit cheeky. You sound a bit fed up OP, perhaps it's just the not working etc and it's starting to affect other things. Use the time to bond with the kids, organise games or other activities within the house they'll enjoy. They will become more comfortable and listen to you more as the relationships build too. I hope you find a job and get that stability for yourself back asap. Take care and enjoy your bonding time xx
The problem isn't the kids - as usual .
You don't seem to have really thought this relationship through, either of you.