Thinking of moving in with DP and his kids but not quite sure...

[FMD87]

Ok hivemind... I'm thinking of moving in with DP and his kids (I also have 2 of my own) but have heard horror stories re blended families on mn and IRL which scare the living daylights out of me! Seems it goes bad 9 times out of 10?! Anyone else in the same position?

[WhiteCat1704]

Don't do it.
If you really really want together get a place together. Do not move in with him and his kids or you will be second class citizen in your home.

[Adviceplease360]

Definitely not,almost always ends badly despite the mumsnetters about to tell you how great it is.
One set of kids normally the woman's end up being treated unfairly.

[Izzy24]

Don’t
Do
This

[lunar1]

How many bedrooms are there? To his kids it's going to feel like being invaded, to yours it will seem like they don't really belong. Can you rent somewhere new to you all that's big enough to meet your needs.

[NerdyBird]

If you're not sure don't do it. I wouldn't recommend moving into his unless you have a backup plan for if you were to split up and you had to move out. E.g savings for a deposit and month's rent or a house you can move back to.

[VioletCharlotte]

Don't do it...I'm speaking from bitter experience!

[TwoDots]

I moved in with my DP but in a completely new house, so new to the two of us and our children

Worked well so far. We would be a very happy bunch if it was t for the ex (only black cloud)

[Winosaurus]

I won’t move in with my partner unless it is a new house, jointly owned and all new furniture etc.
A fresh start and everything jointly picked. The horror stories you hear are often when people move into the other partner’s home so even if they’re paying half of all the bills it isn’t really considered to be their home and they’re treated almost as lodgers.
Start afresh, the kids will naturally be more accepting as it’s new to all of them and no one will feel they have more rights or claims over the home.

[Candlelights]

I moved in with DP (now DH) 5 years ago. It's worked for us. Kids all get on well. Wasn't without challenges, and there's still the odd thing I miss from being a single mum. But overall it's been a good thing

[Wdigin2this]

How long have you been together, if less than two years, don't do it....and even then be cautious.
If you do go ahead, the most important thing is, to get a new place, with enough bedrooms for everyone. However, before you get to this point, sit the two families down, and ask, who wants this and who doesn't. If there is even one doubter, you need to go through the whole process, likely problem areas, bonus areas, and RULES!!!! Yes rules, but they must be thrashed out between you all. If the doubter still isn't happy, probably best you put it off for a while longer, but keep the discussion current!

[FMD2018]

Thanks for the responses everyone! Lots to think about anybody else in the same position and trying to decide what's best to do? x

[HipsterAssassin]

Yes me, OP. Been with bf 2 years. Absolutely happy. He has a lovely relationship with my kids, I have a lovely relationship with one of his (the other is older and I’ve only met a few times). Difficulty is how to move forward. Do we just carry on ad infinitum (given that kids don’t really fly the nest til into twenties) or make a bold move in a couple of years’ time? Our kids don’t know each other (have met just a couple of times). They are teens - the worst age. It could go disastrously wrong and spoil a wonderful relationship! We can continue like this but ultimately we want to be together. It’s a dilemma. Any tips appreciated.

[Biglettuce]

New home definitely. Don’t move into someone else’s territory.
Rules for kids? How will that work out? If rules already similar, and both sets of kids able to make some adjustments- that’s possible.
Rooms - each kid really needs their own room.
Exes? Any nastiness on either side? If so, don’t do it.

Good luck!

[Mumontherocks1]

Check out recent research into blended families. It doesn't make for easy reading. Essentially living with step parents is not good for kids. It's actually very interesting and extremely timely given the change in demographics. I really recommend that you check it out before you make your decision.

[Mooncuplanding]

I decided not to

Together 5 years

I think it would have not been in the 4 dcs best interests

C'est la vie

[Mooncuplanding]

Can you link the new study mumontherocks !

[LineysRuff]

OH and I have been together 4.7 years. The longer we leave it, the wiser the words above seem.

Wait.

[WalkingEverywhere]

Can't you just live close by and carry on enjoying your relationship as boyfriend and girlfriend for a long while. What's the rush to live together?
If the kids are getting older then it won't be so long before they leave home.

I know it can work out but it seems so complicated. Kids are too complicated to be able to work out if there will be any problems or not.

If you each have your own place to live with your own kids then there is no risk.

[HipsterAssassin]

@mumontherocks1 what research is this?

[FMD2018]

@mumontherocks1 would love to read this research if you have a link to it?

[Magda72]

Hi @FMD87 - I'm with @Winosaurus on this.
My dp lives with me but has kept his own house where he sees his kids.
We've tried having his kids at 'mine' but it just doesn't work. It's no one's fault but it always feels like my house & that they are visiting.
We got engaged over Christmas & after much discussion with his kids & with my kids we are now going to sell both houses and buy our own place together. All kids are in agreement with this - his kids aren't bothered so much as it's not their primary residence but my kids felt invaded.

[HipsterAssassin]

Huge congrats to Magda72 that’s wonderful!

Yours are teens, aren’t they? And isn’t their mum’s place a fair distance? Brilliant that the dc are all up for it. You must be thrilled!

I guess the key thing is to get everyone on board... But with teens that can’t always happen surely.

[MyRelationshipIsWeird]

I've come to the conclusion that it's better not to. After 5 years together we've discussed it a couple of times - only very recently we looked into it again, but so many issues came out of the woodwork, even in the early stages that it would almost certainly end in tears. It's frustrating because I don't want to be boyfriend/girlfriend for the next 10+ years, the relationship hasn't moved on at all in 5 years, I still feel like a side-piece!

But the alternative of two sets of kids expecting their own lack of rules to continue unchanged, all insisting that everyone else is getting the better deal, DP getting defensive, me getting anxious, dealing with the discrepancy in income/spending habits, the mess. And that's all WITH a new house, I couldn't bear to think of the issues if you move into an existing family home.

I'm currently reading StepMonster to try and get my head around the difficult relationship (or lack of) that I have with his DCs. I had thought that moving in together might be the making of us, but I have a feeling when it comes to make or break, step-families usually break.

And DP won't consider doing it with a back-up plan, eg renting somewhere to see how it goes for 6 months, he thinks it should be all or nothing. I can't take that risk.

And he wants his ex's mum to be included and move with us, as she lives with him and his DCs. DSD1 won't do it without her grandma being included. Funnily enough, that's a deal breaker for me!

Just don't. The mundane domesticity will kill it if the 'blending' doesn't.

[HipsterAssassin]

MRiW sounds like your parenting styles are not compatible or that the relationship with his dc is not great, did I read that right?

Ten plus years is what we would also be looking at in terms of kids becoming independent. Long time that!

I know that there is no need to conform to societal norms yada, yada, but still....

[FMD2018]

Congrats Magda72! Also - Hipster Assassin I've sent something to your inbox I found online, don't know if it's of interest but maybe worth a look!