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Request from mother - unreasonable or not?

(87 Posts)
ClaryFray Thu 11-Jan-18 20:07:31

I need some advice. My relationship with the mother of DP's children has been odd. We work together, so there is no chance to avoid her.

She was convinced for a time I was OW, which I wasn't. She has asked that before I meet the kids, two things happen.

1. I unblock her from Facebook. I blocked her because of all the drama and stalking abuse. And when I added DP's sister in law and brother, she messaged in 10 minutes to say to DP about it.

2. We all meet all three of us. Her, DP and I to discuss way forward with the meeting and boys and to clear the air.

This women has been the bane of my life for a few months, she has stalked my house and Facebook. Called me all manor of names, and brought my family into this.

Is this being rational on my part. Am I allowed to keep her at arms length, or am I gonna need to suck it up and do what's best for the kids.

Help?

Notreallyarsed Thu 11-Jan-18 20:08:46

Meeting isn’t a bad idea in itself, it depends if it will be helpful or not I guess.

Facebook, no chance. Fuck that.

MyBrilliantDisguise Thu 11-Jan-18 20:09:14

It depends why she wants you to meet. If she's incapable of talking sensibly and is just going to kick off, then I wouldn't meet her. Could a neutral third party be there, too?

MyBrilliantDisguise Thu 11-Jan-18 20:09:50

I agree - no way would she be on FB. That's private and nothing to do with the children.

Crispbutty Thu 11-Jan-18 20:12:36

You could unblock her without being friends I suppose. How soon did you get together after they split. I imagine it must be pretty shit for her to have to work with her exes new partner. Having said that her behaviour sounds terrible.

ClaryFray Thu 11-Jan-18 20:16:25

They were separated 7 months before we got together but I knew them both before then. Not as friends, just passing.

She wants me to unblock her off Facebook, because it's her way of checking on me. Who I'm friends with and such like. That won't happen. But it's her trying to control the situation.

Greensleeves Thu 11-Jan-18 20:17:11

She has no right to demand you give her access to your social media. No right at all - I would dig my heels in on that one. If she has boundary issues, you need to insist on certain things.

I would go to the meeting, but I would again have boundaries in mind in terms of what I would/would not discuss and tolerate. If she has calmed down and wants to make a new positive start, great. If it's an excuse for drama and a bunfight, you can just walk out.

Mrswinkler Thu 11-Jan-18 20:17:22

Meeting sounds ok but Facebook thing weird. As poster above said, you could friend her but add to restricted list as soon as (do on computer not phone). She'll only be able to see your public posts which she would have been able to see even if she wasn't your friend.

WasDoingFine Thu 11-Jan-18 20:20:55

Why computer and not phone?

Figrollsnotfatrolls Thu 11-Jan-18 20:22:17

Yes meet
No fb - she is a cf!!

SingingSeuss Thu 11-Jan-18 20:23:30

PlYing devils advocate.....with the Facebook thing do you think she just wants to make sure you are not posting on z of her kids etc, if she doesn't trust their dad she may not think he's up to policing it. Maybe she just wants to know about the person her kids are potentially going to be spending a lot of time with....Maybe??

MelloDee Thu 11-Jan-18 20:25:56

Request no.1 - No. Simple as that. Your social media profiles have nothing to do with her whatsoever. She has no right to request that.

Request no.2 - This sounds perfectly reasonable. A mature conversation to discuss the wellbeing of the children sounds like a good idea... providing she's not just expecting to dictate how you live your life. As much as she can expect to lay some fair ground rules, so can you.

HLH9 Thu 11-Jan-18 20:40:42

I really feel for you. I know what you're going through as my situation was pretty much exactly the same. She would harrass me constantly. I'm not the argumentative type so the fact I never replied wound her up all the more. I blocked her on facebook and won't unblock her. There is no need for that sort of access. Just so they can nose.

When it comes to meeting her, when was she last weirdly stalking you and calling you all sorts? If it was recently, I don't know if you should. Personally, I wouldn't put myself in a situation with someone that could turn on you. My husband's ex partner was very threatening towards me. I don't feel meeting her at that point would have helped anything. We've been together 3 and a half years now and married 3 months ago. In the beginning of the relationship she was awful. Everything had to be done on her terms. I was only allowed to meet my step son when she decided it was ok (When she met someone she introduced him pretty quickly and they split not long after). She has calmed down a lot now but it was definitely a long road. I still have all her messages etc. If you have any make sure you keep them. Ultimately it's your decision of course, if you think it will help go for it. Just be careful of what you're walking in to. I get on ok with the ex partner now and we're not overly friendly. We say Hi when dropping off or picking up my step son. Now and again I have to meet her on my own if my husband is in work but we're always civil. I was terrified the first time I did it. I don't hate her for all she did to me. It's not worth the effort and it's better for the children to just get along and keep things civil. I really feel for you! I know how awful it is and I hope it gets better!

FlippingFoal Thu 11-Jan-18 22:30:33

Having been there with one that demanded meeting I would say don't do it. If she was doing it out of kindness and thought of her Dc then fair enough but she's not. Keep her at arms length and let your DP deal with her drama.

Unicornfluffycloudsandrainbows Thu 11-Jan-18 22:46:36

Do you work together as in with your dp ex or your dp? It depends what you think the meeting will bring. I would take a step back and just let your dp and her deal with the kids. There’s no reason for you to be involved or for her to have you on fb it will only cause unnecessary dramas.

NorthernSpirit Thu 11-Jan-18 23:09:06

No to unblocking her on social media - this has nothing to do with her and for her own emotional detachment she has no need to be friends with you or checking your status.

Personally I would be a no to meeting. Your OH has moved in and you say she’s been difficult in the past. No reason for you to meet.

I’ve been with my OH for almost 4 years and have known his kids for almost 3.5 years. I have no desire what so ever to meet the mother (who is extremely bitter).

swingofthings Fri 12-Jan-18 07:55:51

She most likely had a different version of when she and your dp were officially over than you (or what your dp told her and you).

Put things in the past and focus on the future. A meeting is the way forward and you can then say that she can't demand being added on FB.

jaimelannistersgoldenhand Fri 12-Jan-18 09:19:15

Yes to the meeting but no to the social media. Bring up social media at the meeting- I suspect she doesn't want you posting pics of the kids and wants to stalk you online.

keepfingerscrossed Fri 12-Jan-18 13:09:40

I agree, meeting is a yes but social media is a no. However it may be as simple as the ex not wanting you posting pictures of the children, which is a perfectly acceptable request, so you could offer that to her in the meeting as a reassurance. Also be clear with all parties what you're meeting for, what is on the table to be talked about, and what you'll not accept in that conversation. If it takes an abusive turn you can walk away, but try to do that only if she is being nasty, not just if she is sharing something you don't like to hear or agree with.

I'm aware she's been difficult, and she may continue to be, but if you are reasonable, in spite of her nastiness, they soon get bored. You can use the meeting as a springboard for a new clean slate on which you can build a relationship that works for the children.

DelphiniumBlue Fri 12-Jan-18 13:16:07

No no no!
No FB, no meeting.
It is not for her to dictate to you what to do, or to dictate terms by which you meet or don't meet the children.
If she wants to discuss the children with your DP, that's up to them, but as soon as you agree to this meeting, she'll start trying to control you.
She's very clearly nuts, keep your distance.

SandyY2K Fri 12-Jan-18 16:37:17

So if you refuse to meet up... you won't be able to meet her DC?

Christmascardqueen Fri 12-Jan-18 16:41:20

Can you not use the setting options on FB so what she sees is limited?
Some of the people on my FB are aquantences, but my sharing is limited to friends NOT aquantences so most is not seen by them.

yeahforfriday Fri 12-Jan-18 16:43:00

It depends - if she is asking before you meet kids to meet up then fine - if she is saying you must meet her before you meet her kids then I just wouldn't bother because she has no right to put those boundaries in place.

As for fb - just simply no. I get on alright with Dh's ex but she is blocked from my fb and will always be because she used it to stalk when she wasn't and I just found it creepy.

ClaryFray Fri 12-Jan-18 16:56:50

She wants me to unblock her so she can see who I'm friends with in his family. I get on well with them and its always been a bone of contention for her. She feels by liking me there betraying her.

She wants me to meet her before I'm "allowed to meet her children" that's the message DP passed along. I have gone with a yes. I am happy for all three of us to sit down and discuss them. Because she's quite a over bearing mother, if it'll put her mind at ease maybe it'll help for the kids. She grills them as it is already, so I want to minimalist the impact on them. But I'll not be discussing anything else.

Thanks for the advice

Looneytune253 Fri 12-Jan-18 17:00:39

Why don’t you also call some shots. Has she even apologised? She needs to say sorry for what she’s put u through and it’s not up to her who your oh sees when the children are with him

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