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Will a Contact Order work?

(34 Posts)
FourDebSake Thu 11-Jan-18 18:14:46

My DP has been battered and bullied by his ex for several years now, whilst trying to get regular contact with his two DD and of course since we have got together in the last twelve months it has deteriorated to intolerable levels. His EW and her new husband have been aggressive and threatening towards him, which is unacceptable, but par for the course I suppose. Anyway things have reached a point where he has decided to go for a Contact Order which has not been plain sailing so far, however now she has made an allegation of assault - that he assaulted his DD when the two of them were in our care - it is heartbreaking to hear what she has manipulated and coerced the children into thinking and saying about him. What can we do when we cannot see them or speak to them to tell them we love them?? It is an absolute fact that he has never hurt them, this alleged incident simply never happened, there is not a mean bone in his body.
I wonder if anyone else has experienced this and whether a Contact Order will actually help? I just want to know if there may be light at the end of this very dark tunnel....

thank you

Unicornfluffycloudsandrainbows Thu 11-Jan-18 18:18:21

You only been together a year yet you seem massively overly involved in the situation tbh. Should you have just been meeting them? You speak of loving them already?

As for advice on the allegations I would advise he speak to a solicitor. If it’s going through court I would imagine cahms will be carrying out an assessment with the children.

FourDebSake Thu 11-Jan-18 18:38:13

Hi Unicorn
Well we live together, have done for seven months, he is an excellent stepdad to my children who have lost their dad, why wouldn't I feel the same about his girls? We are a family now and I take my responsibilities for all my children very seriously.
My question is whether a Court Order will actually work?

NorthernSpirit Thu 11-Jan-18 18:39:25

Yes, go for a contact order, it’s the only way things will improve. You can not deal with these sorts of bitter EW.

My OH was put through the mill for 2 years. The mother controlling and dictating and denaying access. The breaking half was when the mother wouldn’t let the dad speak in the phone (let alone see his daughter) in her birthday.

The EW had also alleged assault. In fact her father had attacked the dad in front of the children.

Get a contact order. Your OH can represent himself. Things won’t improve and you will continue to be at the mothers control and mercy if you don’t. My OH wishes he had got one sooner.

The mother has ‘played up’ a few times and stopped contact - my OH has taken her back to court for breaching the order. Last time she was warned that if she denied the father contact with the children he would ‘take the children off her and they would live with the father’.

Judges are very pro-contact and the children have a right to see their dad.

Any woman that uses children as a weapon is deplorable.

Unicornfluffycloudsandrainbows Thu 11-Jan-18 18:55:30

What one earth are you doing moving in together after 4months when you both got children from previous relationships? You don’t just become a family over night it must be extremely confusing to your own dc and his. That aside I think you need to take a step back from the sotuation. You only been together a year you don’t really know someone in such a short space of time he. You moved a stranger in with your dc.

As I stated on my op your dp needs to consult a solicitor to move forward. However I would proceed with caution.

Unicornfluffycloudsandrainbows Thu 11-Jan-18 18:56:39

and if you new to the scene you don’t necessarily know all facts

FourDebSake Thu 11-Jan-18 19:01:01

Hi NorthernSpirit, you know I could cry with relief from what you said, thank you.
Wowee - warned he would take the children off her! - that is sweet music to my ears.
I have been telling myself (and him) that none of the bullshit matters, that at the end of the day he will be granted a Contact Order, but the worry eats you up - when you are up against someone who would do anything to win some kind of imaginary battle and they don't care who they hurt to get there - even their own children - who will lie and twist the minds of their own children - there are no boundaries. I split with my partner many years ago and I felt those things about his new partner and I thought he had nothing to offer, he was a waste of space etc etc BUT I NEVER prevented contact because I knew it was in the interests of the children's long term mental health to have a relationship with him - good or bad actually - it screws people up when they don't know their parents, you see the story played out all over. The bottom line is: He wants to look after his children.

NorthernSpirit Thu 11-Jan-18 19:30:44

Ignore the other posters OP. You asked for advice on a contact order not if you could live with your OH - that’s irrelevant.

Things are so much better now my OH has a contact order in place. He has regular contact with the children and if the mother stops it the mother is breaking the law. Yes - a judge last time told her that he would take the children off her and she was investigated by social services.

My OH did have a solicitor and barrister initially but he now represents himself.

The children have a right to see their dad. The mother is stopping that right. Get a contact order - it will cost £215 if you represent yourself and it puts an end to the mothers bitter control.

Good luck.

Unicornfluffycloudsandrainbows Thu 11-Jan-18 19:43:14

It is very relevant if your dp has been physically abusive to his dds and op has moved her dc in with someone who is a stranger you don’t know someone after 5 months, you just don’t that’s reckless behaviour. Ops only got her information from her dp.

TwoDots Thu 11-Jan-18 19:59:42

Here she goes again 🙄

Unicornfluffycloudsandrainbows Thu 11-Jan-18 20:02:35

Oh I wondered how long it would be before you popped up twodots! Interesting catching up on some of your old threads made a great read. It comes falls into place now why the way you are. 🦄

Lookatyourwatchnow Thu 11-Jan-18 20:09:58

OP, have the police or children's services investigated the alleged assault?

TwoDots Thu 11-Jan-18 20:10:26

Why on earth are you doing that?

Why on Earth are you even on a step parenting board so much, dishing out your opinions?

Unicornfluffycloudsandrainbows Thu 11-Jan-18 20:19:38

Just to get a true picture of you, which explained a lot actually. I can also ask why you seem to be following me around on mn? I’m entitled to an opinion as is everyone else and in this thread there’s been an alleged assault on a child yet op has moved her dc in without really knowing her dp. I was addressing that as it’s a cause of concern. It’s not as if she’s been with him several years and without a doubt it certain nothing has taken place or know he full background in regards to the ex.

keepfingerscrossed Thu 11-Jan-18 20:46:48

Yes get a contact order, which can certainly help.

However, and yes I know this isn't what was asked, but my ex partner would tell you the abuse "allegations" I made against him when it's comes to me and the children were false. I know the woman he dated after fell for them until he hit her. It is very very early in your relationship to take his word as golden. I'm not saying your DP is abusive at all, and I am aware that there are a minority of women who make up lies, but please be clear OP that they are the minority, not the rule. For that reason alone, please just have some caution.

TwoDots Thu 11-Jan-18 21:04:31

I'm not following you around. I read threads regularly on this board only as it relates to my life. I only keep seeing you on threads, being nasty and bashing step parents frankly

I don't go looking for you as that is just weird

Unicornfluffycloudsandrainbows Thu 11-Jan-18 21:09:19

Of course you are twodots.Even when others have said similar to me you seem to aim directly at me. Get grip move on don’t bring other threads into others when it has no relevance.biscuit I’m guessing you missed my comment on the other thread about a lady’s dad behaviour and me telling her all 9year olds are similar. 🦄

Unicornfluffycloudsandrainbows Thu 11-Jan-18 21:11:02

Dsd” not dad

ChaosNeverRains Thu 11-Jan-18 21:21:10

Your dp should seek legal advice re going for a contact order. With regard to the allegations of assault, if she has made the allegations to the police etc then presumably this will and should be investigated via official channels in due course in which case he will need a solicitor anyway.

There is no way of knowing who is telling the truth although I’ imagine that if she is prepared to stick with her story that he assaulted the DD then she should pursue it legally, and if he is innocent he should welcome this on the basis that it will clarify things once and for all.

But be aware that if allegations of assault have been made and are being pursued this may also impact on your own position bearing in mind you are living there with children who could be considered at risk. Think very carefully about whether you genuinely trust a man whose ex has made such serious allegations against him.

TwoDots Thu 11-Jan-18 21:33:21

No unicorn, I simply have no time for someone who has no experience of step parenting, bashing step parents. If you want to think I'm following you, then believe it but it's just plain weird. I can't believe you've looked up my posts. Do you not have a life? Like going onto the csa calculator to bash a Dad on here. Just why?

Op I'm sorry. I saw yet again this person being judgemental and shitty towards a poster asking for help. I didn't mean to hijack your post

Unicornfluffycloudsandrainbows Thu 11-Jan-18 21:51:00

I do have experience but that’s not relevant here nor is you following me about on several posts. I looked you up because you have been on my radar when you continued to follow me around, so if anyone is pathetic it’s you. Talk about hijacking someone’s thread. You saw my username and attacked. You didn’t actually give any advice either on the thread. I stated the same concerns that other posters have also addressed. So I suggest you jog on if you got other better things to do!

FlippingFoal Thu 11-Jan-18 22:27:26

Oh do fuck off!

OpenthePickles Thu 11-Jan-18 23:43:59

TwoDots. Unfortunately it's not just the step-parenting threads Unicornfluffycloudsandrainbows brings her shitty attitude to.

Unicornfluffycloudsandrainbows Fri 12-Jan-18 00:15:08

Wtf are you on about openpickles

swingofthings Fri 12-Jan-18 07:12:38

How old are the children? An accusation of assault is not to be taken lightly. You seem to be assuming that it is their mum who is making it up and somehow convinced her children to lie about it even though the children are happy to come and see their dad and that lie could stop it happening. That's a huge accusation too.

Let's assume thst your do was abusive to his ex wife but it is a sad of him you haven't seen yet because it only happens when he gets angry and so far you've been happy together so had no cause to show how he facts to anger. Let's say that one day you were out with your kids and your partner got a bit cross with the kids enough to scare her.

She went him and told her mum that he had pushed her up the stairs in her room and pushed on the floor (When he took her there and she let herself fall down). Can't you see though why mum would be worried and want to take the words of her DD seriously?

I think your partner is doing the right thing going to court but I agree that having been living with him it 7 months you need to take a step back because it is very possible there are things you don't know yet. It's not your joint battle it's his. Be supportive but don't involved in the accusations.

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