Makeup and hair nightmare

[Welshchloe]

It was my partneres brothers birthday on Sunday and we all went out for lunch (with the kids) as I was in the bedroom getting ready my 8yr old step daughter came in and wanted her hair and makeup done also so I asked there Dad is it ok and he wasn’t to sure but agreed after the sad eyes from her so he agreed. Only a tiny bit that anyone would not notice and just put my flat iron straighteners on the coolest temp and a quick run through it.

After lunch he dropped me home and the kids to there mothers and then last night his ex was going nuts with what I done and he agreed that it would not happen again. I know for a fact (pics on facebook) that she has done the same thing.

She is now saying when the kids stay over I am not to be in same house as them. Don’t know what to do as I live here.

[NorthernSpirit]

You can do what you want on your time with the children the mother has absolutely no say in it at all.

My OH’s very bitter EW tried to pull a similar stunt and stopped contact. She was taken to court and given a stern taking to by the judge. What the dad does, and who he introduces the children to on his time she has absolutely no say in (just like you can’t dictate on her time). It’s a control thing and judges do not like it.

Personally I think 8 years old is too young for makeup. But the girl asked and you accomadsted.

Do you have a formal contact order? If not get one and it stops the mother dictating and trying to control.

[Figrollsnotfatrolls]

Tell your man to grow a pair. . His ex don't dictate to him no more!!
Bet if you had said no to dsd she would have told her dm you were mean and she would still have gone nuts!!

[Welshchloe]

Northan it’s a signed agreement they have between them. But is trying to get it official.

Figrolls that’s what he said to her on the phone and he said this is his house and he decides who stays here

[Frequency]

The mother doesn't get to dictate who is in your house when the children are there. If she won't listen to reason, just ignore her. In her defense, I would also be seriously unhappy if someone involved with my ex flat-ironed my young daughter's hair and put make-up on her, whether it was his current partner or a family member.

I would put makeup on her if she asked me (I would not flat iron her natural curls) and I wouldn't mind my sisters or her own sister doing it but I know, when it's done by those people it's in fun and it's healthy. Ex has always had unhealthy, stringent and unrealistic expectations on the children's appearance. If she came home covered in makeup with straightened hair, I'd be worried it was something she was talked into because they don't view her as good enough how she is.

Could something like that be going on?

[NorthernSpirit]

Your OH needs to tell the mother she can not dictate. If she continues being unreasonable try mediation or get a formal contact order. My OH’s EW is extremely bitter (he’d been divorced for over 2 years before I met him and I met the children 6 months into our relationship). The mother regularly sends vitriolic emails and try’s to dictate. She’s been told by a judge she doesn’t get to dictate. If she’s anything like my OH’s EW they are so emotionally damaged you can’t reason with them. If so get a contact order.

[Magda72]

Hi @Welshchloe - speaking as a mum I had the same issue with my daughter's sm. My dd came home one Sunday night when she was about 9 with her (naturally wavy) hair straightened and said her sm did it.
I did contact my ex about it as like @Frequency has said re her ex, my ex himself is very image conscious & often passes comment on dd's appearance (including her 'unruly' hair) which I don't think is good for her. Sm offered to do her hair which dd took to mean that her hair didn't look good as it was! She was only 9 & I really felt it was not helpful to her self image.
I just politely asked that it didn't happen again.
I'm not saying that was your situation but as a mum of a girl I am very protective of her learning to handle her own self image & to make her own decisions as to how she wants to look.

[Figrollsnotfatrolls]

Sounds like she is a bit green eyed that you have begun to have a positive relationship with her dd. Something she will just have to deal with.
Stop stressing.

[swingofthings]

Totally over-reaction! I do remember the first time my DD came back from her dad with make up too and I wasn't too pleased either. The reason is because I was worried about DD turning into one of those kids, then teenager and then adult always self-conscious about her body imagine, not wanting to go out unless she had unless she wore make-up, her hair was perfect and she wore the right clothes. I'm not like this at all, her SM is, so yes, I was a bit worried about influence.

However, making such a fuss over one event to the point of saying you shouldn't be around her is ridiculous. She should count herself lucky that you are showing an interest in her daughter.

[Wdigin2this]

She cannot dictate who is/isn't in the house when her child visits....tell her to grow up!

[TempusEejit]

Why are people saying that the DSD's mum might be unhappy about the makeup/straightened hair aspect of what happened when OP clearly says the mum allows these things herself whilst her daughter is in her care as per pics on FB?

[Carbohol78]

I would assume it’s old-fashioned jealousy from the DM, I remember being exactly like this when my ex moved in with his OW and my DDs would come home with elaborate plaits that I knew he couldn’t have done, I used to totally over-react!

As I found out, there’s nothing DM can do, and she will slowly have to accept this kind of thing! Just to speak from the other side, it is so hard when you know someone has had a fun intimate moment with your DC! And at the beginning, some of us react badly

It’ll soon blow over

[Busymum5]

Hey there OP, I can see this from both ways.

When my daughter came home from her DF (after a family party I have to add) her hair was fixed up and she had make up on too (she was 9 at the time) her hair was wavy and she had light eye shadow, mascara and lip gloss on. The hair I did not have so much of a problem with but I was not to keen on the makeup as I was trying to get her to wait before she jumped in to the world of pre-teen makeup! Because of skin issues.

After a chat with her DF – it turns out that she had asked her SM who double checked with her DF. He agreed for a little makeup. As she was in his care at the time – I really had no say in it. But in a way I am glad that that happened as it made me have a chat with my DD, and it turns out that she really likes makeup (She was fed up at my refusal of letting her grow up!) and really wants some of her own. So her DF and I had a chat and agreed to lip-gloss and natural coloured eye shadow to begin with. My DD is older now and still loves her makeup but she does not go made and cake herself in it – and I feel that it was because of that moment.

But with my DSD it’s a different matter. Same situation, my DSD asked for me to put some make up on her – I checked with her DF – he agreed and I put the minimal on as well as doing her hair. We went out to the party, afterwards he dropped them home – not even 10 minutes down the road and his ex wife was on the phone – swearing her head off claiming that I am trying to sexualise her DD. Now her hair was in two Dutch braids and she had light eye shadow, mascara and lip gloss on – not exactly “The only way is Essex” make up!
Then the next week the ex wife went out and brought DSD make up! So still at a lost at what she was thinking there.

Your DSD asked you to dress her up – you did the right thing by asking her DF first. He agreed and you kept everything to the bare minimum. Your DSD DM really has no say in what happens at your home (just like I do not have any say in what happens in my ex home – unless it was dangerous situation) just like she cannot dictate who sees her DD when she is with her DF.

Just chalk this down to experience and move on, if it helps now we are further along the girls and I regularly have home spa days/make up day’s – maybe someday in your future you will have the joy of having these with your DSD.