How much does everyone else do for their step children?

(85 Posts)
Placeboooooooo Mon 08-Jan-18 13:48:08

Hi all, I’m new here.

I’ve been with my partner for 6 years and have known DSD (7) for almost 6. I got pregnant less than a year into the relationship with DD (4).

OH is a lovely man and a good dad but he is so bloody lazy when it comes to actually doing things for the kids, credit given where credits due, he drives the 140 mile round trip twice a weekend every weekend in order to see DSD but that’s about it.

Out of a 17 day holiday we’ve had DSD 24 days of it which I don’t mind as long as I know what’s happening, when she’s coming and when she’s going back. Her BM doesn’t take a great deal of interest in DSD, she tends to palm her off as often as she can during the holidays. Anyway, I do at least 90% of the childcare because I’m ‘doing it anyway for DD.’ I do the cooking, the cleaning up after them, all of their washing, drying, morning routines, nighttime routines, days out etc etc. I do the lion’s share of pretty much everything.

Don’t get me wrong OH works very hard, sometimes life can be unpredictable because of his work and we don’t ever really get a break away (DSD is 7 and she’s never been on a family holiday, nor has DD)

Sometimes the monotony gets me down a bit and I feel as though a lot of what I do is unappreciated an unnoticed. I understand that I’ve probably made a rod for my own back by not putting my foot down but it’s a difficult position to be in. I would never want OH to turn DSD away because I’m putting my foot down, it’s so easy to be cast as the wicked step mother for the smallest reason while the rest of the good you’ve done is forgotten.

What does everyone else do? Are there any others who feel the way I do sometimes? I was very young when I first met DSD (18) and have grown and matured a lot since then and found ways of coping with things differently.

I have my own negative experience of step parents (step mother from hell!) and I’ve learnt a lot from the way she was, I think OH knows this as well and uses it to his advantage and as a result of my experience I over compensate.

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Placeboooooooo Mon 08-Jan-18 13:48:47

That’s meant to say 14 days not 24!

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Blackteadrinker77 Mon 08-Jan-18 14:10:44

I do everything for my DSS, I adore the ground he walks on. He was 4 when I started a relationship with his Dad and he is 19 now.

He thinks nothing of texting/ringing me when he has an argument with his girlfriend or he doesn't feel well or just anything that comes up really.

I just had major surgery two weeks ago and he will make me a hot drink, carry my pillows up stairs, anything I need.

He is very close to his sisters as well, age 22, 20. If I do something for my children then I do it for the three of them.

I notice in your post your called her Mum BM. I would never do that, I have always shown his Mum respect. Even though I don't always want to.

It doesn't sound to me like you see her as a major part of your family.

Placeboooooooo Mon 08-Jan-18 14:22:18

Oh I do see her as a major part of our family. I do every thing for her when she’s here and we are close.

Myself and her mum don’t get on or see eye to eye. Partially because of the way she treats DSD and partially because of the way she made our lives living hell by reporting us to the RSPCA and SS (passed all inspections etc with flying colours) but that’s a whole other thread.

I certainly don’t bad mouth her in front of DSD like I know she bad mouths me!

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TempusEejit Mon 08-Jan-18 14:31:53

You're being taken for a mug. Why is it "credit where credit's due" him driving to pick up DSD - him doing that is of no benefit to you is it? It's an extra thing he needs to do because his DSD is his responsibility so take that out of the equation when assessing how much he doesn't get him out of pulling his weight with both his DDs.

You say he works hard - are the finances treated as family finances that you genuinely have equal access to? If so then you doing more childcare etc might be fair as long as you both have equal downtime (however I can't see how that could ever equate to you doing 90%, especially during weekends). If however he controls the finances then his hard work is mainly for his benefit, so again you can take that out of the equation when looking at how much he contributes to family life.

As for me I used to do a lot more for my DSCs (wash and iron clothes/uniforms; cook, shop and meal plan; clean and tidy up after them etc.) but have since stepped back a lot as I had a revelation as to how my DSCs view my place in the family pecking order i.e they regard me in the same way regardless of whether I do these things for them or not. So I might as well let their dad do it and stop feeling unappreciated. I'm still nice to my DSC and interact with them and I'll help DH out occasionally with child related stuff but ultimately it's not my responsibility to give my DSC the standard of living I'd want for them (e.g. fancier dinners than they'd otherwise get) - that's for their own parents to judge/make happen (in the absence of neglect of course).

NorthernSpirit Mon 08-Jan-18 14:36:24

I have 2 DSC 9 & 12 and my OH and I share the load. We both work FT.

For example my OH does all the pick ups abs drop off’s (mother refuses to do any). So on a Friday when he gets back I will have dinner ready for them. On a Saturday we might take it in turns to sort breakfast. Saturday evening my OH cooks dinner.

I’m not anyone’s shave or here for everyone’s convienence.

What’s your OH like round the house? Does he pull his weight? The burden shouldn’t be on you.

MustardSally Mon 08-Jan-18 14:45:13

You sound like superwoman! Step parents are so under appreciated in general it's such a shame sad


Unicornfluffycloudsandrainbows Mon 08-Jan-18 14:46:51

The mother is irrelevant here the issue is what is happening in regards to oh pulling his weight.

Placeboooooooo Mon 08-Jan-18 14:52:51

He does noting around the house, I work PT and help out with his business occasionally as well.

Once he’s in for the night he will generally just sit and complain that I’m not sitting with him. The thing is that I can’t just sit and do nothing with so much to do!

The finances aren’t shared, he pays the bills, I pay £200 towards rent and I also pay for al of the food shopping plus car to run which is a struggle.

I don’t like to ask him (or anyone) for money. I still have moments where I feel overwhelmed, I’m currently in the middle of my 3rd M/C in the last year and a had and I don’t think that’s helping, we’ve all had a dose of the flu and before that D&V.
I’m half wondering if I’ve M/C this time because of the flu.

I jus feel as though if I put my foot down then we wouldn’t see DSD as much and I’d feel so guilty if that were to happen because of me.

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Greensleeves Mon 08-Jan-18 14:55:13

It wouldn't be happening because of you though would it, it would be happening because he isn't pulling his weight and you can't do bloody everything!

Sorry to hear about your losses, that must be miserable and you've been ill too sad. I think you need a serious conversation about how he can pull his finger out of his arse and take some of the load.

Blackteadrinker77 Mon 08-Jan-18 14:59:17

You have an issue with a lazy partner.

Your DSD isn't the issue.

He should be helping in the house still when he gets home, you should both get to sit down once everything is done. It doesn't sound like he pulls his weight with either child.

Don't make this about his daughter, he needs to stop free loading off you
. Finances should be a fair % of earnings imo.

Unicornfluffycloudsandrainbows Mon 08-Jan-18 15:00:57

Why are you ttc when you having issues with his dd and don’t equally share your finances. Are you married? It’s either you expect your dsd as an active member of the family or don’t and take a step back and but he should be doing equal amount in terms of the dc. Sounds like you taken on far too much at a young age.

Unicornfluffycloudsandrainbows Mon 08-Jan-18 15:02:17

Maybe if he did his equal share you wouldn’t feel as resentful of being taken advantage of.

Placeboooooooo Mon 08-Jan-18 15:03:33

I know it’s about OH and I realise that DSD isn’t the issue. That’s why I was asking what everyone else did for their SC’s, what I didn’t word correctly was what does everyone else do for their SC’s in comparison to what their partner does.

It’s obvious to me that I do far too much, probably with both kids.

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Blackteadrinker77 Mon 08-Jan-18 15:10:02

But it isn't "what does everyone else do for their SC’s in comparison to what their partner does"

It is what does everyone else do for their children in comparison.

The days she is with her Mum your partner still doesn't help you or pull his weight with you and your BC. That is your problem.

It is an every single day issue. If it was a SC issue he would be helping you day in day out and only not helping when she was visiting.

SleepySheepy Mon 08-Jan-18 15:20:19

My DH is the step parent to my son, so we do all live together full time as a family which I think simplifies matters in some ways. At the beginning it was (understandably I think) a case of me being fully responsible for DS and I expected nothing of DH, but DH was very clear that he wanted us to be a real family unit and I think in reality it would only ever have worked properly if we equally shouldered responsibility, especially now we have another DS on the way.

I think at the end of the day, we are a team, so we have to work together. It can be a rocky path when step parents and children are involved, but once things settle, it should be some form of even responsibility.

Placeboooooooo Mon 08-Jan-18 15:22:23

Blacktea I can see what you mean.

In a way it’s unfair that he would help more when DSD is here but not bother for the rest of the time. It doesn’t send ou a great message to DD.

I just feel like I’m struggling under the weight of everything kids, work, housework, his business etc.

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Blackteadrinker77 Mon 08-Jan-18 15:30:42

Because you are trying to do every thing while he is being lazy and entitled.

Do you want to lend one of my hobnail boots? Give him a hard kick grin

Placeboooooooo Mon 08-Jan-18 15:47:44

Yes please wink

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swingofthings Mon 08-Jan-18 15:49:40

You say you work PT, do you mean 12 hours or 30? Because there's a big difference. I was going to suggest that you return to work now that your DD will be at school and when holiday comes, then your OH will have to do like every other family working and work together to make it work the less expensive way.

If you only work limited hours, then he must be paying most of everything and with your DD at school, then you must indeed have a lot more time than him to do house stuff.

It sounds like you need to work out the right balance between the two of you as a family taking everything into account rather than looking at each aspect separately.

Placeboooooooo Mon 08-Jan-18 15:58:49

Latest development is that DSD’s meant to be back at school tomorrow but DP is too busy to take her back today (he’s working 100 miles from home and won’t be back till much later) my car is in the garage for it’s MOT (which it failed sadangry) and the prior arrangement of BM picking DSD up isn’t happening now because ‘it’s got too late’. Which I knew was too good to be true as in 6 years she’s only ever picked hers twice before.

So DSD is now staying with us and missing school tomorrow. Oh and I’m having to ring my already pissed off boss to ask for another day off work because I now have DSD thanks to OH as BM’s sloppy arrangements! angry

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Placeboooooooo Mon 08-Jan-18 15:59:15

I work 24-30 hours per week

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Placeboooooooo Mon 08-Jan-18 16:00:59

Swift, not really. Between work and helping with his business which includes most of his paper work plus running around after the kids, I barely have anytime to get things sorted in the house.

They are his children too and he should be doing his fair share.

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CauliflowerBalti Mon 08-Jan-18 16:01:50

This doesn't really have anything to do with the kids, step or otherwise - this is about the dynamic between you and your husband. You need to sit down with him and talk honestly about the division of responsibility in your house...

NorthernSpirit Mon 08-Jan-18 16:05:19

Your DSD is missing a day at school because her mum couldn’t be bothered to pick her up?! It’s 4pm and it’s too late. Not your responsibility. Your partner and her mum need to sort themselves out, they both need a kick up the backside. Not your responsibility, they are both taking advantage of you. I wouldn’t take another day off. Tell them that you will be back at work tomorrow and ask them what to do with THEIR daughter.

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