Tea times and Bed Times

[LMW1990]

Hi All - this is my first post on MN, still learning all the lingo!

I'm a SM to 2 beautiful children whom I absolutely adore. My DSD is 7 in two weeks’ time and my DSS just turned 3 on NYD (which also happens to be my birthday). I'm 28. I have been with their father for 2 years and they started to stay with us gradually around 6 months ago. They now stay 3 nights per week and we have them all day each Saturday. The pattern we have them suits both our work pattern and their mum's (she works shifts). As a family, we all rub along together nicely and I get on very well with my OH family. I don't speak to OH ex or have any contact with her, save to send school uniform and clothes back washed and ironed (something that is not reciprocated).

My OH family have been concerned about how the children are looked after by their mum for some time. I would go as far as to call it neglect but she seems content to live in a dirty house, the children's clothes often smell of mildew and they only seem to eat convenient rubbish foods. My DSD has had toilet issues for a number of years and until recently frequently messed her pants, refused to go to the toilet and absolutely screamed the house down about going for anything but a wee. Her mum says she does not do it at her house, however she has come to my house smelling and in dirty knickers with dried poo in them more times than I care to remember. We have been to GP regarding this issue and are making steady progress, but it still concerns me (and others) that she seems to be allowed to sit in her own mess elsewhere.

Since they have been staying with us I have always tried to instil house rules such as eating at the table, everyone eating together, tidying up toys etc, and so far so good. They are now eating a more varied diet with us and I try to introduce new foods (especially fruits and veggies) as much as I can. I limit (sometimes with some resistance) their fizzy drinks, I don't allow sugary things before bed time and if tea isn't eaten (or a good effort been made at it) there's no additional 'treats' afterwards. My OH is softer than I am though so sometimes things aren't followed through.

Does anyone have any advise on how to introduce more food to the children? My DSS eats like a sparrow but always wants crisps, chips and sweets. I want to make sure that whilst ever they are with us they are getting the nutritional food they need.

Bed time is also becoming a little bit tiresome. They absolutely insist on watching something before bed but I worry they are not winding down for a good night’s sleep. At what time are most 3 and 7 year olds in bed?

I may overly worrying but I am so keen to make this work for everyone, and as I say, I have a very good relationship with both children. DSD frequently tells me she loves me and DSS loves to sit and cuddle. I in no way want to take over being their mum. DSD has called me mummy on two occasions and I have corrected her both time. I want to be a significant part in their childhood but I would never want to take away the role that both their parents play.

I'd be grateful for any advice of improving their diet and also winding down at bed time.

TIA

[NorthernSpirit]

What the mother mum does in her time and in her home you have no say in (just like she has no say in what goes on in your home and on your time).

You need to run your home with your rules and ways of working. I had similar issues with diet (and this caused me much stress). When I first met my SKIDS 3 years ago (they were 9 & 6) they ate a limited diet. The only ‘vegetables’ they ate were baked beans (which isn’t a vegetable) and they would only eat oven food (they had chips with everything. My own mum is a chief and i’m an adventurous eater and chief so this caused me much stress. My advice would be to preserve. Introduce new things slowly, you won’t see a change overnight. The younger 9 year old is now really adventurous and asks me to make homemade curry’s and chilli for him. It’s been a harder slog with the older 12 year old who is still fussy. But they know that at our house I cook 1 meal (which is child appropriate) and that’s it (mum offers them a choice and cooks 3 different meals a night).

On toilet training - again when I met the kids they were 9 & 6 and couldn’t wipe their own bums so we’re dirty. They were at school and walking around smelly and dirty. They don’t wipe bums at school and kids should be doing this for themselves. Mum refused to address it, so my OH got all super nanny one weekend, taught them, bought them wipes and checked. It took a few weekends but it was cracked quickly.

Bedtime - your house, your rules. My 9 year old DSS goes to bed at 8 during the week and we let him stay up a little later at the weekend he’s with us. You decide the rules.

It’s a shame when parents won’t work together (we’ve tried but the mum is difficult for difficult sake). You develop your own rules and boundaries.

[ohreallyohreallyoh]

Is mum abusive or not?

It’s a shame when parents won’t work together. Your post would suggest what you actually mean is ‘My way is the only way’.

[LMW1990]

Absolutely agree that what mum does with them in her time is her business, as it is our business what we do with them. I would never seek to interfer in that, unless of course I suspected foul play and in which case it would be for my OH to address these issues, not me. I only mention the way things are at her house for context really and to perhaps explain my eagerness to do things differently when they are with us. I have no children of my own (yet) but i'm anxious to treat them the way I would if they were my own and within my own ethics as it were, which are, of course, only my opinion - people parent differently and I accept that.

@nothernspirit - this sounds very similar to our situation. I do all the cooking and I like to be adventerous with food and have a varied diet. I only cook one meal for all, I work full time and simply don't have time or the energy to cater for everyone's whims. You are right, my house my rules. I guess I'm just looking for a little guidance and reassurance.

@ohreallyohreallyoh - no I would not say she is abusive or even neglectful. She clearly loves her children but perhaps prioritises other things over cleaning and cooking. As I said above, everyone parents differently. She is not the easiest person to get along with and can make things very difficult at times. But by and large the routine we have suits her very well so we tend to get co-operation albeit through gritted teeth. My way is certainly not the only way - I'm just new to parenting and need some reassurance now and then.

[strangerhoes]

Not your kids, not your business. shagging their dad doesn’t give you the right to do anything.

[ohreallyohreallyoh]

Sorry, OP. My comment about ‘my way is the only way’ wasn’t directed at you.

So if she is not neglectful, why the suggestions that she is?

Your partner is the one who should be parenting, surely?

[littledinaco]

Food - always make sure there is something they like (this takes the pressure off) and put that with other things on dishes in the middle of the table for everyone to help themselves. Don’t comment on what they eat/persuade them to eat/try things. Your job is to offer healthy options, it’s up to even what they choose to eat.
Don’t ‘reward’ eating tea with a pudding/treats. Maybe offer desert sometimes but not always (fruit salad and ice cream, fruit crumble, homemade pancakes etc).
Don’t have sweets/chocolate,fizzy drinks,etc in the house. Don’t make a big deal just say ‘we don’t have that, we have x,y,z if you would like it’. It makes it easier to say no if it’s not there. Children soon learn that different houses have different rules.
Your DH needs to be on board though.

Bedtime-if they go to bed late at their mums, you may struggle getting them to go early at yours as their body clock won’t be used to this and you could just be setting yourself up for a battle everytime. If they are used to watching a telly programme every night before bed and this is their ‘routine’ it may mean they go to sleep easier.

If you did want to try and change it, going upstairs for a bath (make it fun, bath bombs, bath toys, bath crayons etc) then you could suggest a book or board game in their room. Or audio books for them.

Does your DH fully agree with how you want to parent? If not, you may struggle. Part of being in a relationship with someone with DC is they won’t always make the same parenting decisions/parent the same way as you would and they are not your DC so you have to accept this, even if you don’t agree it’s in the DC best interests.

[NorthernSpirit]

@ohreallyohreallyoh ‘it’s a shame when parents won’t work togther’ was my comment. And I stand by it. My DSC’s OH won’t co-parent at all with my OH.

Co-parenting incr asked children’s sense of security and reduces stress. Parents model respect and conflict resolution skills. Co-parenting increases the likelihood of 2 active parents remaining in the children’s lives. Co-parenting improves communication between parents. It d creases conflict. Win all round?

@Strangerhoes - are you a bitter EW? The OP isn’t just a woman shagging The children’s dad. She’s been with the father over 2 years and lives with him. So yes, she is involved with the children.

[LMW1990]

@ohreallyohreallyoh - no problem. I really wasn't meaning to suggest that she is neglectful in the slightest - just that she does things differently and that other people have had concerns about certain issues. My OH does parent but it's myself who does the cooking and I help as much as possible with other things like bedtime and bathtime. We both work full time and getting them both dressed etc can be a battle so he appreciates my help where possible. We are a family - them not being my own children doesn't matter to me - I love them and care for them to the best of my ability.

@littledinaco - Thank you! I've bought them some books for Christmas so wanted to try the bed time story thing, that sounds like a good plan. DSD loves to read and I'm sure she would be on board. I'm actually looking forward to them both being old enough for Harry Potter so I have an excuse to read them to them . They both LOVE bathtime and I have thought about moving this closer to bedtime. Truth be told I have no idea what time they go to bed at their mums - one of my reasons for asking what time was usual. Me and my OH are more often than not on the same page - he finds it hard to discipline I think but I have told him that it's his place to do so and not mine (unless of course I'm the only one there and/or they are in immediate danger). We tend to do everything togther e.g. eat tea, bath them and put them to bed. On a school morning he gets DSD up, dressed and fed whilst I sort out DSS (who doesn't like to get up - 3 going on 15!). We take them out together on weekends, go swimming in the week and generally we make a good team I think. I'm just anxious to get things right I suppose.

@nothernspirit - I agree completely. Generally they do communicate and co-operate but there have been times when the relationship between my OH and EW are strained and this does have a massive effect on everyone all round.

@strangerhoes - I'm just going to skip over your valuable input

[ohreallyohreallyoh]

Except you are not talking about co-parenting, northern. You are talking about parenting being done your way. There is a huge difference.

[ohreallyohreallyoh]

If there are concerns about ‘certain issues’, what does dad think? I have been labelled crazy, dirty, neglectful ex by my ex so these things push my buttons. If there is genuine concern, is it enough to push for a change of residence? If not, then how mum parents has nothing at all to do with what may or may not happen in dad’s house. Or, there are concerns and they needed to be acted upon.

Otherwise, what you are doing is trying to paint a picture of ‘how wonderful we are and how awful she is’ and I would ask, why do you need to do that?

[LMW1990]

@ohrealyohreallyoh - I'm sorry you've taken what I said the way you have. I'm merely trying to put things into context regarding how routines can be difficult to put into place when things are done differently elsewhere. The toilet issues have been a concern for us all. I think mum is at her wits end and has, until recently, perhaps buried her head in the sand about it and it has felt like only us addressing it. But like I said, we visited the GP - well actaully my OH and EW did together which I thought was excellent for DSD - as we seem to have a cracked a united stance on the issue. School have also been involved as we all had concerns something was underlying. I am by no means 'wonderful' - I simply just want to do the best job I can. You seem to have taken this all very personally and have offered no advice with regards to my actual question about mealtimes and bedtimes.

[AccidentallyRunToWindsor]

We had the save regards food with my DSS. We started to get him to look at a children's recipe book and asking him what looked nice and cooking it together. He seemed to have a sense of loyalty towards the food he ate at home (beige junk) and felt that 'our' food was in some way 'disloyal' to his mums cooking. Could be worth baring in mind.

Hiding veggies, sticking to the 'that's all you get and nothing else' seemed to work too.

However- may get flamed here but you have been in these children's lives for 2 years and you are already talking about love and helping wash/dress them? It's great you have a strong relationship, but please don't come on too strong...I just get the feeling it makes not be helping as much as you think it could be.

[LMW1990]

@accidentlyruntowindsor - that’s a great idea re the cooking and recipe book! I will definitely try that. DSS likes to bake with me and often gets me up on Saturday morning with a sieve and bowl lol!

That’s interesting. I honestly hadn’t thought anything of it to be honest. How long do people wait before doing such things? It’s always seemed pretty natural. DSD only lets me wash her hair and sits with me while I get ready watching me do my hair etc. I always thought if they were comfortable then it was ok and I let them take the lead on these things. They both say ‘I love you’ to me unprompted at bedtime and I never say it to them first. The first time DSD said it I was quite shocked in a nice way. I never expected to be as close to them as we are and I don’t try to force anything on to them. If they want space they get it. Also if my OH had to do all the washing and dressing himself quite frankly we wouldn’t get anywhere. We both leave for work quite early whilst their mum starts later and has more time before school to get things done. Perhaps I should take a step back? Saying that I love them just feels very natural to me, I am very maternal and would absolutely love to have children one day (I’ve had a lot of medical issues in that area and I’m not sure how pregnancy would pan out). I also adore my OH and his children are part of him and make him who he is. I admire him greatly and his children idolise him.

[littledinaco]

I have similar age DC, mine go to bed between 7-8pm BUT you (or rather DH) really needs to find out what their usual bedtime is as if they are used to staying up until 10pm say and you are trying to get them to sleep at 7.30 it is unlikely to work. If your 3 year old DSS is ‘lying in’ my guess would be that he is used to going to bed quite late and getting up late (nothing wrong with this at all but you really need to find out so you can at least try to stick to a similar routine).

Me and my OH are more often than not on the same page
This is really hard and I think you need to sit down and discuss with DH what the ‘rules’ are.
It’s very unsettling for DC to not have set boundaries, it makes them feel unsecure and unsafe.
So, you saying no more sweets/no more telly then when they winge/cry/temper (which they will-it’s normal to push boundaries) saying ‘oh go on then’ is worse for them than just allowing it in the first place.

You may be best asking DH what he is happy with, so if he is happy with unlimited telly for example, and doesn’t see that as a problem, you would be better just going with that rather than than him trying to enforce it half-heartedly as if he doesn’t see it as important it isn’t going to work.

Maybe once you’ve discussed it with DH, you could sit down with DC and write a list of rules. They can have an input (but you’ll have discussed with DH first what is non-negotiable). DC could decorate the paper, get stickers, etc. They would then feel like they had an input. So things like ‘all tidy toys before tea’. ‘Everyone sits together to eat tea’ ‘no food allowed in the living room’

[welshgirlwannabe]

I really, really think you need to step back and take parenting cues from these children's parent - your OH. I say this as someone who lives with a man who is not my son's biological dad, but is a hands on parent to him.

BUT he was not setting his own house rules so early in the relationship. Dad makes the rules. You follow his lead. If he is unable to get his children washed, fed and into bed without your input then that is his problem.

This is not meant unkindly, you're clearly very caring. But I do think you need to adjust your expectations, the parents are the ones who need to make the rules not you. There may not need to be a third adult involved in toileting issues.

[NorthernSpirit]

@Ohreallyohreallyoh - I didn’t say do everything my way. I believe both partners (and i’m not the parent) should work together. It’s not about doing it one persons ir parents way, it’s about working together.

My OH would love to work with the mother but she’s so bitter she refuses to communicate and in the whole is difficult.

[LMW1990]

@littledinaco - I agree and I have asked my OH to find out but so far not getting a straight answer from EW. The trouble is DSS cannot lie in here we have to be leaving the house at 7:45 to take him to child care (he starts full time nursery in April) and to take DSD to school. We live further away than EW but are house hunting closer to school at the moment.

When I say more or less I’d say 90% of the time. OH is really trying to enforce our ‘house rules’ lately. I like the idea of having them written somewhere by the children. At school DSD class have Goldren Rules and she was very proud of herself that her report said she always follows them. She likes a sense of achievement and likes to help out - this weekend she was a little angel helping me set up for DSS birthday party.

[AccidentallyRunToWindsor]

I don't think there is a set time really and I may well be told that I am the odd one by other posters but I never helped my SC dress or bath (they were 3 and 5) when we met 10 years ago, I just felt like I was 'too new' to do that.

[LMW1990]

@welshgirlwannabe - I appreciate the various view points on this. I think because it’s me writing this it might come across differently to how it is in reality. My OH and I frequently discuss how to tackle situations and most of the time the actions come from him. He sets the rules with them and I support and follow through. I’m just keen on the food situation because I do the cooking.

Another things that might be pertinent is, this is my house, my OH moved in with me. Of course it is all our home but I have not moved in with them into an already established home.

I disagree about letting him do everything for them. We are a family and we share the load. If we had our own children I would expect us to share the tasks.

As for the toilet issues, aside from washing the dirty pants, I’m not involved but obviously concerned. It effected us quite badly a few months a go as we could not go out without fear of an incident and when we are out I have to take DSD to clean her up in the ladies toilets. I’ve not been involved with the GP or school.

[AccidentallyRunToWindsor]

Sorry I read in your OP that 'we' had been to the GP so thought this included you

[welshgirlwannabe]

Yes you're absolutely right: families need to share the load. That's how it works in my house too. It just sounds from your op that he can't get them ready without your help or input. But he must be able to - what did he do with his children before you?

[welshgirlwannabe]

Please don't feel judged by my comments though. You clearly love this man and his children and that will hopefully see you through any tough spots

[littledinaco]

Your DH sounds quite passive in all this - that he doesn’t know his own DC bedtimes and despite you asking him to ask his ex, he’s still not found out (they must be amicable to some extent if they’ve been to a GP appointment together).
How long ago did they split up? What time did the eldest go to bed then? What about when he had them before you lived together? He must have some idea!

He doesn’t always stick to the rules (you can’t expect DC to stick to them all the time if their dad doesn’t). You say he’s ‘really trying’ to stick to them. He shouldn’t have to ‘try’ he’s their dad, it’s just parenting them.

The getting ready thing - I think it’s worrying that he CAN’T get his own DC ready without help. It’s nice of you to help dress them, etc and I don’t think it’s wrong that you do this but he should be able to do this on his own and at least some days get them ready himself, bath and put them to bed himself. It will be nice for the DC to just have their dad sometimes too.

You say you’re keen to be involved in the food situation as you cook. Does he never cook for them? Does he not see the food situation as important and is therefore saying they can have sweets/crisps etc when you feel they shouldn’t?

Sorry if that all sounds critical, you honestly sound really, really lovely and you clearly adore your DSD and want what’s best for them. It just sounds like you and your DP have completely different parenting styles and like you are ‘in charge’ and wanting to sort everything and he’s sort of half heartedly agreeing but not being pro active in doing anything.

I agree with you on wanting to sort a bed time (you’re right-you need to get them to bed if they’ve got to be up for school) but it should be your DP sorting this and you choosing to help if you want to but if you’re tired and want to relax downstairs or go out with a friend etc, it shouldn’t affect their dad putting them to bed.

I also think it’s quite concerning they are living in your house. What if you split up? The poor DC would then no longer have their second home. Their dad should have ensured a stable second home for them that is there for them regardless of what happens with his relationship. Again, not a criticism of you at all, you really do sound like a wonderful step-Mum to them (their dad sadly less so but it’s hard to get an accurate picture of things from an Internet thread)!

[strangerhoes]

@NorthernSpirit not a bitter ex wife not a stepmom

What about you? Just a nosy dogooder?

[NorthernSpirit]

@Strangerhoes - why are you on a stepparenting forum if you aren’t a stepmother? You have no experience.

I am a stepmother (therefore am not a nosey dogooder as you insuinare) therefore i have experience of being a stepmum (unlike you). Not a bitter EW so therefore have no axe to grind.

Why are you on here? Nosey dogooder who wants to slag women off who are trying to do there best?