Older SD problems, pregnancy, marriage

[Carbohol78]

Hi, first ever post, so don’t really know the abbreviations etc, apologies for mistakes. As I try to think what to write, I am fairly sure IABU, but I am just so upset

Been with OH for 4 years, married for half that, I have DD 20 (at uni); and then 70/30 care of my DD 10

OH has DD 20 (with her own flat); and we have also have 70/30 care of his little two (twin 6 yo)

We all get along pretty well, custody falls so that there’s a great mix of time altogether, just his, just mine and then one night a week of just me and OH. The little 3 play and squabble with each other, just like normal siblings really! Occasionally him and I get a bit stressed about the usual step parenting stuff (when one child is being a little sod and the natural parent maybe isn’t as strict as the other thinks they should be, but generally we are about as good as can be) I have no problem with his little ones at all, nor he with mine. We’ll snuggle on the sofa as a big group, with each other’s kids clambering onto our knees, and I am totally aware that I am extremely lucky

DD is cool about everything, she is away at uni most of the year, so comes home, treats all the little ones pretty much the same, (except for the odd trip into town with just her natural sibling, but the SS don’t like shopping, so they actually choose not to go anyway). DD is fond of my OH, and is happy that I am settled.

My SD was ok when we got together, but as soon as it got serious has been a little bit petty, silly things like screwing up cards, unflattering photos of me on FB “as a joke”, throwing away notes I would write him, or sticking two fingers up on photos (against her cheek as if by accident), she treats her own siblings totally differently from my little one, and I get it wasn’t her decision for me to come into her life, and I am not trying to force this idyllic fantasy world on her, but she is pretty mean to my DD, whereas her siblings can do no wrong. She is very wealthy (got a payout from a legal matter) and spends hundred on her siblings at Christmas etc, taking pleasure to spend about £2 on mine

I have carried on ignoring all this, biting my lip, occasionally it bubbles up, but she won’t see her natural mum at all (she cheated and ended the marriage), so I have always understood it was a bit crap for her

But .... I’m pregnant, it was a carefully thought out and considered act (was actually IVF), so not rushed into. OH and I were so happy, the little 3 don’t know yet, but we are gently mentioning the idea, both parents know and so does my 20 year old who is elated

Then we told DSD, she already knew it was on the cards, but she is furious - I am selfish, we are both stupid, we don’t care about any of them, this isn’t a real baby, not her sister/brother, half siblings aren’t real, I am a crap mum (I work, whereas her real mum was SAHM and brought her up to be very judgemental of mums that work, it means we aren’t maternal ....)

Again, I can and will have to cope with all this, because it is territory of step parenting, but ... my OH is just not dealing with her, she ruined Christmas with her comments and sneers, but she can do no wrong (I can’t really explain, she is on this massive pedestal to him, even compared to his other kids), I struggle with her lifestyle choices, because she doesn’t have to work, she doesn’t bother, so sits in her flat (she also gets a benefit relating to a disability - she could work) and she smokes weed all day, from morning to night, luckily she doesn’t invite my kids there, but the SC go and come back stinking of it. She constantly uses bad language in front of them (not horrible swearing, but inappropriate for little ones), and undermines her dad, encouraging them to tell him to “shut up” and to lie to get out of trouble

I just think this is going to continue and OH is desperate for her to come around to the baby, but I don’t want someone stinking of weed holding my child, even if she wants to. OH keeps running off to her flat to try and pacify her and “talk her round”, but right now I feel crap, I have the worst sickness, and a cold and not sleeping, am scared the baby is going to get hurt by how stressed and unhappy I am. I just want my OH to be around and support me, but I know that’s unreasonable as his priority has to be his daughter

OH and I now arguing horribly about it, he says I need to understand it is a big thing for her and that she needs him. I know she does, but so do I (and now I sound like a spoilt child!)

[WhiteCat1704]

In my opinion you are not unreasonable in wanting your DH with you. Your SD is an independent adult and if she is behaving like a brat towards you and your DD your DH should sort it out.

You were unreasonable to get pregnant with him if he has a wierd relationship with his oldest and prioritises her over you.

[swingofthings]

Does she and the 6yo have the same mother. She sounds like a young adults with some issues. If she is receiving benefits and got a big pay out for her disability, then it must be affecting her life quite a bit.

It sounds to me like she is an unhappy and lost young adult who is resenting everyone happy. I suspect your OH knows it and is afraid she will get worse if she is excluded. Could she be clinically depressed?

I wouldn't discuss what might happen in 6+ months time (assuming the baby is not due until then). She's been told, she knows, your OH can deal with it as he wants, but no need to discuss it with him right now.

You sound like a fantastic SM, but some kids just grow up with issues and she sounds like one of them and there isn't much you can do about it.

[Tinselistacky]

Actually seeing as she is 20 his priority should be you at this time. He also chose ivf!! Your baby isn't second rate to his pfb . You need his support, and quite frankly she needs to gtfu!!

[Carbohol78]

Thank you so much

She has limited mobility in one hand, that is the only thing affected, I don’t really understand why she gets the disability payment tbh, but she’s got it since a young child, because it was her right arm (a messed up operation, hospital admitted fault, led to clinical negligence payout). It has affected her, and I have always felt sorry for her over it

I honestly think it is the weed which has made her like this

[NorthernSpirit]

She’s 20 years old and behaving like an entitled brat.

She doesn’t have to be happy for you (she sounds like a princess and will be feeling threatened that she’ll receive less attention). She should though show you respect and be decent.

Your OH needs to deal with this as it will only get worse. She needs to sort her life out. She’s 20 years old.

[Carbohol78]

Sorry - yes her and 6yo have same mum, that’s the real problem to her - this is a fake marriage, I could be a girlfriend, but her dad didn’t need to marry again in her eyes. She even said something like “us kids should be enough for you”

I actually think that DH (not OH, got that now!) has seen how she has cut her mum out of her life and is terrified she’ll do the same to him

Thank you for understanding, I feel so upset and alone right now and it’s makimg me resent DH, but I also know that I am being overly sensitive about it too

[Carbohol78]

What is pfb?

[Tinselistacky]

Precious first born!!

[Carbohol78]

Ha ha! Oh my goodness!! I couldn’t put it better myself!!! I feel so bad laughing, but it’s so true! :D

[Cloudyapples]

If she’s already cut her dm out then he is all she has left, so can understand a bit why she is b having this way - worried about losing the attention to new born. But also your dh should think about how likely is she to cut him out if she has No one else? So maybe he can stand up to her.

[WildRosesGrow]

It's no good your husband running around to her to try and talk her round. She is having a tantrum, which is understandable as it does sound as if she has been treated as a spoilt child up to now. Ideally your husband should reassure her that whatever happens, she will always be important to him and part of his family. However once this has been explained, he really needs to leave her to come to terms with this change in her own time.

It sounds like you were already unhappy with some aspects of your step-daughter's effect on the rest of the family. Is your husband happy for his 6 year olds to be exposed to weed? I'm fairly relaxed about what other people chose to do in their own lives, but wouldn't want such young children to be around people taking drugs on a regular basis. Have you talked to your husband about this?

[lifeandtheuniverse]

Firstly- I do not agree with her behaviour but OMG is this girl crying out for help.

Disabled - whatever way you want to look at, can not use her right arm properly and undoubtedly got a hard time at school.
Had Mum and Dad to herself for 14 yrs, then twins arrive - her little world got uprooted and with twins she would have been sidelined.

Not sure how a woman with toddler twins finds the time to have an affair - but somehow she did!!!! Respect her time management because I sure as hell could not!

4 yrs later - Mum has had an affair and Dad is with a new woman and has a new family, she is living on her own in a flat.

Has money which gives her little direction and sounds like both her Mum and Dad are not actually or have not since she was 14 - taken an active role in directing and helping a teen become an adult. They were focussed on their own relationships and twin brothers.

To her babies mean less attention, your 10 yr old gets more attention, Dad will see her less and be focussed elsewhere.

If her Mum is no longer in her life, this is a very angry, lonely, disabled person who has not got good coping skills, courtesy of her parents failing her.

She needs counselling and help from her DF to find some direction and feel like she is part of a family. This is not a criticism of you OP - her parents have failed this woman in not preparing her for life.

[swingofthings]

A friend of mine has a disability with one hand which she was born with. It affected her deeply when she was young and even more as a young adult when everyone was dating and she felt very embarrassed. I know that people are much more accepting of disabilities, but it can still be difficult at that age.

If she's got no relationship with her mother, she might feel unlovable and as you say, add the issue of the smoking and I bet you have a young adult with very low self-esteem who feel only loved by her father only and who will therefore feel threatened by anyone coming to take even more of his love.

I would think she needs help and therapy.

[Carbohol78]

To be fair to the mum, she was SAHM for 15 years and I think went stir crazy! Her affair was with a way younger guy, it was all bizarre

DSD did have an over indulged spoilt childhood, but she adores her siblings and seems to have no jealousy towards them at all.

I honestly believe both parents were totally involved in her, but they just did not ground her in decent behaviour, so she grew up that she can act how she wants and say what she likes. As I have heard, both her parents treated her with this same godlike status (and she was a poorly baby, I understand why) so I do get it’s not her fault

[Magda72]

Hi @Carbohol78 - I fully get this girl has had difficulties in life however it sounds like she was completely indulged by both parents. This can easily happen - my dd also has a disability & I have always striven to normalize her if that makes any sense. It sounds like your dsd was made feel 'special' which hasn't served her in the long run. She's also quite young to have so much money without any life purpose/job. She has all the trappings of adulthood without actually having to live as an adult - ie, a job, a few debts etc. So in light of all the above she definitely needs help.
HOWEVER, she is an adult & as such needs to start behaving as one.
This is where your dh really needs to step up. In many ways your baby is none of her business, precisely because she's an adult & should be living her own life - like your own adult dd.
If it were me I'd show him this thread & would encourage him to try to do some family counseling - just him & her & possibly her dm in time. She needs to be encouraged to deal with her issues & to make some plan for her future - yes she has a disability but she also has opportunities (through her payout) that others don't have.
The weed would be a massive red flag for me & I would also not tolerate that around my kids. Nor would I tolerate her behaving towards you.
Her dad really needs to offer her help but also needs to lay down the law regarding those behaviors. He needs to be a parent here & not a friend.

[Carbohol78]

Hi, I really appreciate your responses and it has really helped me out

Thank you all x