Stepkids and sickness

(54 Posts)
wheresthel1ght Fri 08-Dec-17 00:11:43

Just wondering what people do when step kids are sick?

Dsd was sent home from school recently for throwing up everywhere (dm thinks another uti but refuses to take her to gp so we will have to at weekend), dsd doesn't like coming when she is sick, she wants to be at home with her mum. Last time her dm demanded she came to us and poor dsd sat in her room here sobbing for hours because she just wanted her mum. We get on great and she comes to me for most things but when ill she wants her mum.

Dp told his ex this and asked her to check with dsd, she refused and said dsd would have to come to us as she 'has nothing in to feed her'

If either dss or dsd is sick here we deal with it and the associated childcare required, but every time their dm demands she can't have them as her bf won't have sick kids in their house.

What do others do?

OP’s posts: |
canthelpbutworry Fri 08-Dec-17 00:17:31

Your DP needs to get custody of his child!

wheresthel1ght Fri 08-Dec-17 00:19:02

We are working on it!

Slowly gathering evidence!

OP’s posts: |
egginacup Fri 08-Dec-17 00:27:24

If it’s his weekend then it’s his weekend, regardless of whether she’s sick or not. If he was living with her he wouldn’t get to opt out of looking after a sick child. It’s tricky, if my DC were really poorly and wanted to be at home I wouldn’t force them to go but I would definitely try to persuade them. You can’t just parent when they’re well, you need to do the difficult stuff too.

Don’t know the background but you seem very hostile towards the mother. If my exH tried to get out of looking after the DC because they were ill I might “demand” he stepped up and took his parenting responsibilities seriously too!

DonnyAndVladSittingInATree Fri 08-Dec-17 00:31:58

Poor kid!! Of course she should be let stay where she wants when she is sick. Does her Mum really have no food for her?

DonnyAndVladSittingInATree Fri 08-Dec-17 00:34:58

When DC are sick I think normal service can be put on hold. It’s not about the other parent doing the unpleasant stuff as well as the good stuff, it’s about the child! A sick child will have a preference about where they want to be and who they want to be with. Sometimes that can’t be accommodated due to work etc but if it can then I think it should. No way would I send my sick child anywhere else! They’d be tucked up in bed or on the sofa with a duvet and Netflix.

Icantstopeatinglol Fri 08-Dec-17 00:37:11

I think if a child is poorly they should stay/be where they feel most comfortable.
So egginacup if one of your dc was poorly in bed and it was 'dads/mams turn' would you persuade them to get out of bed to take them over? I don't understand this logic. Surely if a child wants a parent it doesn't matter who's turn it is they still want that parent. At home with my dc if one was ill and I already had other arrangements id cancel those to look after my dc. I'm assuming you mean a slight cold or something. If it's vomiting etc then I think in those cases it's common sense to try and keep it under one roof.


egginacup Fri 08-Dec-17 00:51:41

Obviously it depends what it is, but a normal childhood bug/virus then yes I would send them to their dad’s. Assuming it wasn’t a long drive away etc.

DonnyAndVladSittingInATree Fri 08-Dec-17 00:52:57


SleepingStandingUp Fri 08-Dec-17 00:55:21

It makes me sad that with a poorly child you wouldn't really be interested on what they need and would send them away regardless. If you have to work, have other comittments its different but I couldn't imagine being home all weekend knowing my sick kid is crying for me

egginacup Fri 08-Dec-17 01:03:17

But they would be with their father- he’s a perfectly good parent and equally capable of looking after them, they have a perfectly nice room in his house and a sofa, and access to Netflix, and calpol, and cuddles, and anything else they need. It’s not sending them away! That’s what co-parenting is. As I said, if they desperately wanted to stay at home I’d never force them, but perhaps because we always have been very consistent with every other weekend regardless of circumstances I doubt they would. They would know it’s a ‘daddy weekend’ so they would be perfectly happy with it.

LoverOfCake Fri 08-Dec-17 01:35:05

Her bf won't have sick kids in the house? Well, the woman needs to get her priorities straight. Any man who made those kind of proclamations In my house wouldn't have to worry about that for long as he would see the door pretty sharpish.

My DS is a teen now and spends most of his time here anyway, but when he was younger he wanted to be with me if he was ill. There have only been two occasions when he hasn't, once when he woke up with a temp at his dad's and eXH kept him there until the evening, and the other time I had a job interview so when he was sent home he had to go to eXH's.

But when me and eXH were together I was the one who dealt with DS when he was ill as. Was a sahm, so it stood to reason that when he was ill after we split he still wanted his mum. Added to which eXH has other DC and DSC and it would seem somewhat churlish to send DSS there to spread the illness around the other kids when there is opportunity not to.

As for her saying she doesn't have food in the house, presumably she lives in proximity to a supermarket? Kids rarely want much when they're ill anyway.

I get the arguments re co parenting but equally parenting also means that you're still a parent 24/7 even if the kids aren't there at the time, surely? The idea of saying that DS couldn't be here this weekend because it's not my weekend and sending him to his dad's even if he was ill wouldn't even cross my radar. Obviously if he'd been at his dad's and fallen ill and I wasn't here I wouldn't expect to run home so he could come back, but it wouldn't even occur to me to make him go to his dad's if he was ill and wanted to be here. If I'm ill I want my own bed in my own house, and I want things my way. Why shouldn't my child be entitled to the same?

OP perhaps your DH needs to just do everything that DSD wants when she's not well. If her mum refuses to have her at hers then I'd advise your DH to talk to dsd and see what she wants him to do for her that she'd want her mum to do for her iyswim.

SciFiG33k Fri 08-Dec-17 02:18:36

DSD tends to stick to the routine if its a cold or just a virus. But if she is vomiting or very ill and at mums or dads she just tends to stay where she is till she is feeling better rather than having to travel across town.

I know every single mother i work with takes the day off when their kids are sick rather than asking their husband to do it because their kids want mum not dad. Even DSD just wants a motherly figure when she is really sick and will snuggle up with me rather that her dad when she is at our place. I'd hate to think if DSD was crying sick at ours for her mum that her mum wouldn't want to comfort her.

wheresthel1ght Fri 08-Dec-17 04:36:38

Eggjnacup at what point did I say it was a weekend? It was one night in the week. We are also not talking about a cold we are talking threw up all over school and sent home.

I genuinely don't get her logic. All Dp did was ask her to check with dsd as she was so distraught last time this happened.

Yes she lives a 2 minute drive from shops, and don't get me started on refusing to take her to gp when she suspects a uti, the last one put her in hospital.

OP’s posts: |
egginacup Fri 08-Dec-17 06:52:14

You said you were taking her to the hospital at the weekend, which made it sound like that was when you had her? Regardless, you asked “what do other people do?” so I’m just telling you what we do.

MimsyBorogroves Fri 08-Dec-17 07:01:00

My ex would rather our DS stayed where he was (with me) so he didn't have to do the illness or risk taking a day off work the next day if he was too ill for school (he would return him to me so that I get the joy of the unpaid day) - but I'm damn sure he would then demand to have him a different night/weekend to "make up for not seeing him" too. hmm

Hotpinkangel19 Fri 08-Dec-17 07:33:20

If my DD is Ill she'll either stay at home, or ex will bring her home.

NC4now Fri 08-Dec-17 07:37:56

I’d be led by the child. I agree that being NRP doesn’t mean you get out of looking after sick kids, but if they just want to be home with me, that’s ok.
I can’t think of a time my kids have not gone to their dad’s apart from when DS had an operation, but they don’t tend to get sick beyond a cold.
If my children want me, I’m there.

swingofthings Fri 08-Dec-17 08:08:07

You said that you sd was poorly recently so not earlier than Wednesday I would imagine. So unless she has continued to be sick, why assume yesterday that she would be too poorly to come tonight/tomorrow?

The big question to ask is why she doesn't feel her father can comfort her when she is ill? Why does she come to you for most things rather than go to her dad?

Maybe her mum feels that she is not bonding as well with her dad as she should, and looking after her when she is ill is the best way to do so.

Berthatydfil Fri 08-Dec-17 08:15:53

If her dm is neglecting her well being to such an extent that she refuses to seek medical attention for a uti - which if untreated could lead to more serious issues, I think the issue here is a little more serious than sticking to a prescribed contact routine.
This suggests her mother isn’t able or willing to put her child’s needs first and is neglecting her well being.

And yes I’m all in favour of equal parenting etc but really what mother would force an ill distressed child into a contact visit just because their boyfriend doesn’t like having sick children in the house??

ohreallyohreallyoh Fri 08-Dec-17 08:42:18

Sounds like mum may be struggling with an abusive man, perhaps? May well be being a good mum getting daughter out of the way where she knows she will get medical help?

wheresthel1ght Fri 08-Dec-17 08:59:47

Ohreally - honestly it's not. He is frequently heard complaining that she uses him as a scapegoat. We live in a small town and things get said and repeated! She has also told the kids she uses bf as an excuse when she wants them out the way. She does the same to her parents (her mum told me)

We have offered to have the kids more, dp has refused to return them over some of the issues, it has been a nightmare. We are trying to get it back to court but at the moment the evidence isn't considered enough to guarantee they would intervene. We have been advised to gather evidence.

It was weeknight contact earlier in the week. It had nothing to do with us not wanting to pull our weight and everything to do with making sure it was what dsd wanted. She had already text her dad to say she wanted to stay at home with her mum as she felt poorly (she is 12) was it OK. Dp had said it was OK by him but to talk to her mum. Dm had gone back to work and left her on her with her step sister. Dm hadn't even spoken to dsd when she was yelling at dp. Dp was telling her dsd didn't want to come and dm response was basically tough shit. She backed down eventually but I am assuming only because dsd refused to come.

Our next contact is tonight, of she is still in Pain and poorly we will ring out of hours as she will need antibiotics.

As to poster asking why dsd doesn't go to her dad, he works nights so if she is here at night she will obviously come to me. And honestly how many 12 year old girls want to tell a man they are in pain around their vagina??

OP’s posts: |
swingofthings Fri 08-Dec-17 09:19:17

As to poster asking why dsd doesn't go to her dad, he works nights so if she is here at night she will obviously come to me

So are you saying that he wasn't working then, yet it is her mum who had to leave work to pick her up from school and sort out arrangement before she could go back, when her dad could have dealt with the matter himself, on an evening when she was supposed to be with him too.

If that's the case, I can understand why she would have lost it with him when he said that maybe she couldn't come as I expect there was then the matter of who would be looking after her if she wasn't able to be back at school the next day.

It sounds like it's not so much about sd wanting to be at home with her mum, but who is inconvenienced with the situation.

wheresthel1ght Fri 08-Dec-17 09:42:47

Bugger off swing. You always co. E on my posts to slag us off but actually know nothing.

The school rang her, she never told us, dsd text her dad later in the day to say she was ill.

OP’s posts: |
swingofthings Fri 08-Dec-17 11:07:59

You're right, I know nothing but what you write. So even if indeed it's not his fault that the mum sorted it all out without his knowledge and that his suggestion that she stays with her mum was because he wants the best for his daughter, surely he could appreciate that in the end, it's her mum who was inconvenience with the situation and not him?

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