step daughter and new baby jealousy

[user1498424431]

Hi does anyone have any experience or advise with jealous step daughters?!!
I am really close with my sd, shes 9 and shes 'all for me' wont do anything with her dad if im not there and every weekend favours doing what i am doing over her dad ( iv been with him since she was just 3 so almost 7 years of her having all my attention). Anyway, Im 21 weeks pregnant with my first baby which I am obviously very excited about but I feel that she just puts a downer on everything, we try to include her and she says 'its all we talk about', but if shes not included she says we havnt included her and shes being pushed out, I cant win! My husband and I feel so on edge when shes with us because the slightest thing can set her off and put her in a mood!
This weekend I spent the whole of saturday with her doing girly stuff, went for lunch, went to a christmas fayre and all she could tell her dad was that we didnt go to the park that she wanted to go to (when i had already said we would go on sunday!!) and then told her mum today that all i have done is go on about the baby (I dont even recall mentioning it)
I cant win! I love my sd with all my heart, her mum knows i would do anything to make her happy but even she thinks my sd is getting a bit beyond with how shes acting.
I have had a rough pregnancy so I already feel a bit vulnerable about everything and now shes making out she feels pushed out I just dont know what to do!
All advise welcome!!

[Biglettuce]

I think step kids can sometimes be given way more attention than non step kids, and that sounds like your DSD, she’ll have had three doting parents just on her. So she’s bound to find it harder to adjust.

Also, kids aren’t stupid, she will know this is your biological child, and that she isn’t. That child will have all of your time, always. She only has you part time.

You are going to have to tread a tricky line, of reassurance to your DSD that she will always be important, loved, by way perhaps of a regular Saturday lunch just you and her. Tell her what might change, and what won’t, give her some idea of the future. Be a bit honest.

Start preparing her to share too, she is going to have to. Ask her what she thinks, what she fears. Listen to her. She might surprise you with what she thinks. Involve her in a couple of important baby things, like the nursery. But also make it clear, sometimes, that it’s a family, she’s part of that, and part of that is sometimes not always getting what you want all the time.

[user1493413286]

I think the pregnancy time is hard with stepchildren as there isn’t the baby physically there to hold and help with and there’s the uncertainty for them of how it will be when the baby arrives.
I think you probably just need to ride it out and I love the advice of Biglettuce.
Since having my DD a few months ago I have found it hard to give DSD as much attention especially in the early days which she did find tough but has gotten better.

[WhiteCat1704]

My SD was great during pregnancy but as soon as baby was born she lost interest and started acting out. Makig stuff up just so her dads attention would shift onto her..she says her DB is very important to her but gives him 0 interest..

No advice but it's hard and common. Just ignore I suppose and hope she will come around..

[user1498424431]

Thankyou for all your previous advise, shes being very controlling over the situation and sometimes nasty (has made me cry with what she has said) part of me is very understanding and since talking to her she has openly admitted the problem is this baby is mine and she isnt, but im struggling to enjoy my growing bump when she is with me because she sulks.
we only have 3 months left and no matter how hard i try... she makes it harder!

[lunar1]

It's probably only going to get better once the baby is here and she can see for herself that she won't be pushed out. As your bump grows and more baby things are brought into your home it will become more and more real to her and her anxiety will also increase.

This child is going to live with both parents full time, something she will never have. I know it doesn't help right now but I think all you can do is carry on showing her that her place in your family is unconditional, I would however be clamping down on nasty behaviour, if it wasn't allowed before you were pregnant it shouldn't be allowed now.

[RandomMess]

I would buy the books "How to talk so kids will listen...." and by the same people "Siblings without rivalry"

Remind your DSD that you chose her to be your daughter and she grew in your heart and that more people in your family the more love you make to go around

[Ermm]

Sounds like you've had a talk about it already? just keep making sure she knows you will still love her.

On a VERY much smaller and different scale my younger niece went through a phase of being jealous and worried that I loved my older niece more. I explained to her that I had completely different parts in my heart for each of them - that were just for them, and had no limits on it. And the bit that was for Niece A couldn't go to Niece B and vice versa - I loved Niece A for being Niece A so that bit could never go to Niece B.

She loved it. Still talks about the explanation a few years later.

She was about 9 at the time. 9 year old thought processes are VERY ODD.

[Mitzi64]

I’m at wits end my 13 sd lashed out at me yesterday evening and threw a brush at me and punched me. I married to her dad for 2 yrs and met him 2 yrs before that. Shouts really nasty comments at me and tells me to leave my own house if I’m not happy with her shouting. She just seems to want to boss everyone around and her mother confirmed that she hits her too which we didn’t know. She says I boss her dad around which is untrue. She has never been happy with me since I met her dad. Has anyone else experienced this hatred and how do I fix it. Her mother has 3 kids with different men and I just can’t figure it out. She has recently met someone and I think it could be contributing to even worse behavior.

[RandomMess]

@Mitzi64 you need to start a new thread to ask for help.

Your SD sounds very unhappy indeed and very angry

[Mitzi64]

Yeah so sorry I’m new to this discussion site. Thanks.