Miserable household due to children

[Elliego1]

I met my partner 3 1/2 years ago. He has 4 children and has them full time. His ex partner has no access to her children and was seen as unfit by sw and a court order was imposed by a judge.

I am 25 my partner is 33. His kids are 13,11,11,6. My daughter is 3. Sometimes the household is okay. Majority of the time it's hell on earth. His son who is 11. Doesn't listen, throws himself of furniture, smashes up our home, has been sent home from school twice within weeks apart for bad behaviour, and he has purposely deficated on the floor instead of the toilet. He attacks the other children doesn't take no for an answer shouts over you doesn't take any punishment does what he wants when you remove something from him or ground him he will scream demonically and hit people in the house and destroy it we have no choice but to put him out the house which he sees as a win situation. The school are at there wits end but apparently there is no homes anymore so they are getting a mental health team involved. There isn't a serious enough word in the dictionary for his behaviour and he wrote out a Xmas list and when my partner looked at it and said that won't be happening he said yes it will. You cannot punish him and the school have even agreed with this. I can't spend another 5 years around him if I'm being honest he changes me as a person and I really lose the plot when he's screaming at me where I've picked him up to throw him out the room. I feel like a monster because I can't cope with it. My partner doesn't really offer any solutions he's been saying for 2 years the schools going to do this social work won't help they will blame the parent and there is no homes.

The other children aside from the 6yo who is well 6 she is still learning and for most part she is pleasant and well behaved. They come in and demand things and when are told no stand there until it's a yes. They want money 24/7 for nothing and expect to be bought stuff at hundreds of pounds when they do nothing for it. They do not help around the house and that's even cleaning there own mess they will only clean there own mess if they are given something for it. They have no interests except taking money and anything that is asked of them they also fight and argue and hit one another something as simple as tidy your room please they will argue and fight for ages if you allowed it and nothing gets done then they ask after screaming our house down and doing nothing can i go here? if I do it can i get money?

The behaviour is just embarrassing I have many children in my family and I was one myself I was never allowed to behave the way they do wouldn't even cross my mind to.

They do not appreciate anything you do for them. They don't even pay attention when giving them into trouble they just look away and go to their dad to get there own way. Quite frankly I am fed up of being around them and I am embarrassed to go anywhere with them because I feel like there behaviour in public could be seen as a reflection on me as a parent as people don't know the ins and outs of step parent and how long I've been in there life.

I am concerned for my own 3yo daughter because I would like her to be kind and sweet natured. I do not want her behaving like that it would devestate me. I do not like to be around kids or adults who act like that. I was brought up to respect my elders be happy with what you got as I understood some people don't have a lot of money and don't make adults feel bad for not being able to lavish you in expensive presents because it's rude and cruel. I'm not saying I never said or did anything wrong but I had manners, respect and would help out my grandparents or parents and do nice things for others. They don't even like there grandparents because they said in there words they don't get anything when they go down and there grandad doesn't buy them stuff and apparently they are also weird.

I find it all bizzare and frankly frustrating i have tried speaking to them calm explaining to them that its important to care about others its not always about what you get love is more important than an ipad. I've tried interacting with them making jokes, praising them for good behaviour and just to be there when needed. Nothing works they do not change there behaviour. Any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks

[BatteredBreadedOrSouthernFried]

Move out. You don’t have to split from your partner but you certainly don’t have to live with that. I have a child with challenging behaviour and I wouldn’t actually move any partner in with me because it would be hell for them. I find it hard enough and he’s my own child.

Is your daughter your partners child?

[MyBrilliantDisguise]

Oh god, get away from them all as fast as you can! Your daughter will learn from them and she will already have sensed your stress and unhappiness.

[MyBrilliantDisguise]

It sounds as though they need professional help. What kind of man is your partner?

[MadMags]

You met 3 and 1/2 years ago and you have a 3 year old??

Plus, assuming that it took a lot for sw and a judge to decide 0 contact with mother.

They’ve been through an awful lot.

Has 11 year old been tested for SN?

Yes, I agree about moving out but your partner is doing his children a massive disservice here on several levels.

[LIZS]

What does your partner say /do? Tbh it seems as if they have had a rough start, with inadequate parenting, him included. You can't walk into an existing unit with children already struggling and expect it to be harmonious. Does he just want a mother figure for them in the hope it will solve the problems?

[Neolara]

I'd move out too. Your dp needs to parent his children properly. If he won't, I can't see how you will be able to have any kind of normal life. Sorry.

[Justoneme]

Jezz .... I am guessing social care have been informed of the behaviours; it's normal. Help is needed for the child.

Yes; I would think long and hard if I would want to bring up my own child in that environment.

[MayFayner]

This was a huge thing to take on. If it's not working, you can leave. You have to put your own DC first.

[lunar1]

If your daughter isn't his I'd move out and never look back.

[MovingOnUpMovingOnOut]

It doesn’t sound like either of you are equipped to parent those children. The comment about not having homes any more - wtf? You could never just decide to stick them in a home for someone else to parent! Poor children.

You need to get out of there for everyone’s benefit and also get social services involved. Your partner is not parenting and has abdicated responsibility to the school. Much of the adult behaviour in your home sounds abusive.

[Elliego1]

Moving up, I am not abusive. I disregarded the claim that I am. You are right I am not equipped to deal with it but then neither was his mother or their father currently or any other adult in my family that i've looked to for advice or the school. it was the school who brought up to my partner that many years ago children would be sent to a home for the behaviour he shows primary relating to the fact the son tried to leave the property with a kitchen knife whilst walking our dog and when we thankfully caught this action before he left and removed it his excuse was I need protection. The school said such behaviour would be cause to place him in a home but now laws have changed and they like to explore every avenue possible before doing such a thing. I would never abuse a child or put one in harms way if anything I'm trying to prevent them from being harmed because there behaviour is a danger to themselves and others. When they grow up and are adults with the attitude that they can say and do what they want to people would u accept an adult insulting you being disrespectful possibly violent and blame a parent or would you blame the adult? The son made an allegation of child abuse to the school because he was grounded for assaulting a dinner lady at his school and told the school his father beats him they immediately got a psychologist involved who declared that he lacks empathy and the parent my partner and myself are not responsible for his defiance and compulsive lying and disrespectful behaviour. I came on the thread for advice because i do love my partner and contrary to what it may appear i care about the children or I wouldn't still be around after 3 years. I wouldn't leave my partner because I understand how alone he feels and he is aware he has made mistakes with giving in to them I am trying to find resolutions or methods to create an environment that is better for everyone in the household.

[MovingOnUpMovingOnOut]

I am not abusive. I disregarded the claim that I am

Let’s hope you can parent better than you can read, eh?

[BatteredBreadedOrSouthernFried]

I wouldn't leave my partner because I understand how alone he feels

You don’t have to leave him, but for your daughters sake, move out.

[GreatStar]

Were his kids like this when you first met?
Is your partner the dad of your daughter?
How on earth have you not ran for the hills

[notapizzaeater]

Have CAMHS been involved ? Have you still got a social worker ? If not I’d be banging on their door for support for the whole family unit, your daughter included.

[Elliego1]

I would hope I can read considering I am a full time student at university. Amazing how the university accepted me with very little reading capabilities, and no higher English. You should write to them about such things. I just walked in no highers or personal statement and at exam time, I just dance around because I can't read and they pass me regardless lol.

[Elliego1]

Thanks for everyone else's advice. I will be taking it all into consideration I appreciate the others on the forum for not being overly judgemental. I will need to put my daughter first as advised by everyone on here.

[BatteredBreadedOrSouthernFried]

If this^ is any indicator of how you talk to people I can see why there is conflict in your home.

[Elliego1]

If you read above the women insulted me she called me abusive and then implied I was illiterate. Which I'm sure any other adult on here would take offence to when I'm merely asking for advice not judgement and insults

[PerfectPenquins]

There is a lot of work to be done for the 11 year old. I am disgusted at the schools comments of sending him to a home would they prefer he was institutionalised without actually trying to work out what is going on with him? His dad should have made a complaint about their awful attitude.
It sounds like there will have been some suffering due to their mothers behaviour being so bad she can not see them. What help have they had to understand what happened? What professional help has there been?
Dad needs to be pushing for referrals now or going private this child needs desperate help and intervention asap with ongoing support.
If you are now at a point of physically throwing him out of a room you need to leave now before this escalates further.
Dad needs to get a grip and help his children.
Stop the rubbish talk about homes as well for gods sake.

[Nazdarovye]

I only needed to read the first 4-5 lines. The rest of the story doesn't even matter.
Are you mad? Why on earth would you be with a man who has four children with another woman, and has all of them full time? He doesn't exactly sound like a great catch. This advice comes too late but you should have coupled up with someone with much less baggage.

[blue25]

What do you mean by, "there are no homes any more?"
It's a really strange comment. Did you think you could just stick him into a home and forget about him?

[BrutusMcDogface]

I'm struggling to get past "picking him up to throw him out the room" No wonder he's screaming at you! Wtf?!

Sounds like he has anger issues/has had a pretty rubbish upbringing so far.

What external agencies are involved?