Advice needed

[Moonstarsandback]

Hi,

This may be a long post as I never use forums so have a feeling I might ramble in trying to get my story across but I’m in need of impartial advice...

My husband (and father of my two children) and I separated in January and I got together with my current partner about 3 months later. He too has two children and both of our older children attend the same small school.

His ex wife has known for six months that we’ve been seeing each other and that we’re serious. She refuses to let him see me when he has their children with him (despite them knowing me already), makes my life hell on school runs (hands me his belongings and wishes me luck with his cast offs in front of all other parents) and takes their children away from him at last minute if she sees fit.

I want to clear the air and address any issues she feels she may have with me (she has never spoken to me before, she doesn’t know me), in a neutral setting away from the children (she has no problem in making a scene in front of my two little ones). My partner is worried that if I do this, she will take the children away from him yet again. However, I can’t take any more of living like this. I don’t have a temper and simply want to talk to enable us all to just move on with our lives (my ex husband has allowed me to plus allowing my partner to spend time with my children).

I don’t want to replace her. What I do want is to spend some time getting to know her children properly. I want to watch them grow, know what makes them happy and sad, play with them, teach them and everything in between. I just want the opportunity to care for them in the same way I care about my partner, they’re a part of him.

It’s been six months of abuse and not being allowed anywhere near his children.
I don’t want to go behind my partner’s back and contact her but equally, it just seems like stalemate. She won’t even allow us to spend an hour at the park with all four of our children, it just feels like someone is playing God with my life, happiness and future.

Any advice is greatly appreciated.
Thank you for taking the time to read this.

[Moonstarsandback]

Thank you for your thoughtful and constructive advice.

I also have some for you:
If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.

[ClareB83]

I don't think six months is that long either. Maybe see if you're still together in another six and ask your OH again about what you can do to move things forward.

Do not go behind his back. It's about his children.

Also if she is feeling insecure your list of how you want to teach and love her children will only confirm that you want to usurp her.

[RandomMess]

It's up to your partner to formalise contact with his DC and be prepared to go through the courts to prevent her playing games etc. It is still quite early in your relationship for introductions though!

[Moonstarsandback]

Thank you.

I’m not looking to be introduced as his partner and my children aren’t aware that he is my partner. All I’m seeking is that we’re allowed to spend time altogether with the children for short periods of time (outside of school). We wouldn’t be informing them that there is a romantic relationship between us for months yet.

[MotherCupboard]

God knows what that was for. Some people just can't say anything nice.

Op if shes this committed to making your life this hard, i think id cool it off with your OH and really think about if this is really what you want. Shes got the potential to make your life extremely difficult. Is it worth it? That means she wins, but my dhs ex is nowhere near as bad as that one and it's still really really really hard to bite my tongue sometimes. Your oh will never stand up to her, understandably as he doesn't want contact to be cut off. But this has all the hallmarks of you feeling like a second class citizen in this relationship because she must always be appeased.

[RandomMess]

TBH if your partner doesn't sort out the contact problems then there are going to be issues forever and I would walk away. If he hasn't hit the guts to stand up to Ex then he will be jumping through hoops for the next 20 years at your expense.

[RavingRoo]

I think it’s too soon for you to even be introduced. It’s best to wait for at least a year, and doing it over the christmas period could end up spoiling their christmas if they don’t take it well. Wait at least until March / April.

[Moonstarsandback]

I know and it’s something that has upset me but we’ve found a lot of happiness in each other.
I do worry about constantly being told I’m not good enough by her. Yet I go to the ends of the Earth for my own children and would give as good for his children too. I just want the opportunity to spend a few minutes away from school with them, only as someone they know, not his ‘new girlfriend’.
He’s trying to fight his corner through his solicitor but her dad is throwing money at her solicitor and will continue to do so until he’s been ruined.

[Bonelessbanquet]

I personally don’t see why people feel its right to introduce new partners after such a small amount of time. It’s not good for children, do you really expect them to have gotten over losing their dad and accepting a new relationship in such a small amount of time?

You are adults, put those kids first and leave them out of it for as long as possible.

[Doyoumind]

Legally it's none of her business who the children see when they are with your DP, however upsetting that might be for her.

She does not want to hear about you getting to know about her children. She is too bitter at the moment so leave it and don't go behind his back.

Your dp needs a formal contact arrangement so he's not blackmailed with threats from her. She needs to realise this is about the children's relationship with their father and not her feelings. It's difficult when his new relationship is in her face every day at school. Give it time.

[Moonstarsandback]

She’s aware that legally she has no say in it as she introduced a new partner within weeks of her splitting with him. Her new partner had no children of his own, they were going out for meals etc together and he was even staying over at her house whilst the children were there. Within three months of them getting together, they’d split up.

[Magda72]

Yes, step back & whatever you do do not go behind your dps back.
She will make your dp trying to establish formal contact with his kids extremely difficult if she feels you're trying to influence things.
My ex left for ow & my one proviso was that our kids contact with their dad was establish on the kids terms, my terms & exs terms & to that end I had to tell him to stop his gf interfering & pushing HER agenda. Don't get me wrong - I wasn't bitter & I've a very good working relationship with her but this was about the kids - not about how she wanted her future to pan out.
You're going to have to let your dp & his ex sort out his access for THEIR kids - once that's sorted & the dust has settled will be more than enough time for you to establish relationships with them.
Unfortunately you're just going to have to be patient.

[Emeralda]

Honestly, I would call it quits just now. It's unlikely to get any better and you have no control over it. Leave them to it. Don't waste your energy or your children's lives on the endless conflict. If they were capable of working together and having a positive co-parenting relationship, they would be showing signs of it by now and they're not.

[SandyY2K]

You're trying to insert yourself into their lives almost by force. Just leave it for now ..and enjoy your time with him when he doesn't have the DC.

[Adviceplease360]

It's far too soon to introduce partners to kids whether as a friend or partner. If your willing to hurry your kids into meeting and accepting someone fine, he shouldn't have to.

[chiaseeddisapointmentagain]

Their DC are nothing to do with you. Mind your business.

[hangingbya]

Please please please read 'how to get rid of crazy'. It's a brilliant book with so much good advice about boundaries and parenting and co parenting and everything. It changed everything for me and my partner. And good luck!!!!

[NorthernSpirit]

She hasn’t emotionally attached from her EX, your partner. How long have they been split up?

The bitterness and vitriol could go on for some time. Your partner needs to get a formal contact order in place and then she can’t threaten that he can’t see the children. The children have a right to see their father and she’s stopping that right by stopping contact.

What he does in his time and who he introduces the children to has nothing to do with his ex (just like who she sees and introduces the children to has nothing to do with him).

My advice would be don’t engage with her, your partner should do this and get a formal contact order.

My partner had been divorced for over 2 years when I met him and the mother continually used the children as weapons against him. He went through 18 months of hell with his EW stopping him seeing the children. He got a contact order and she now has no power to stop him seeing the children. She’s still bitter (it’s 5 years since the divorce) but my OH doesn’t engage with her unless it’s regarding children matters). The more you engage, the more you fuel her fire. Ignore her.

[swingofthings]

Not to clear whether the circumstances of the break-up. Does she believe that you had an affair with her husband and he left her for you? If so, and that has left her devastated and hurt, she will hold on to any form of control she still has, on a way to make you frustrated the way she will think you made her hurt.

You see it that you've all moved on and you now want to concentrate on your life without any restrictions. She will see it that you don't deserve this and convince herself that you are a bad influence on her kids and that she is therefore doing the right thing by making sure you have nothing to do with them.

As said, you're going to have to be patient. It's not about what you want but what is best for the kids. What is best is for them to continue to have regular contact with their dad and adapt to their parents being separated. You don't need to be present for them to do that.

[lunar1]

Because the children are in the same school you need to take more time not less. The consequences to them are huge if this all goes wrong.

He may just be using his ex as an excuse here and not want you with his children yet either.

[PSMum2]

Your partner’s ex cannot dictate what he does with his children on his contact time, just like he cannot dictate what she does with them in hers

If she is being difficult about contact then he needs to go to court and get a formal contact order. If he has a formal contact order then he needs to go to court to enforce it. This will not get better, only worse, if he does not take steps to ensure he can see his kids.

Ignore everyone’s opinion on the length of your relationship, it has nothing to do with the issue at hand - which is that his ex wife is denying him contact with his children. Who knows what she is saying to them as well, so he needs to act now before his relationship with them is permanently damaged.

[NorthernSpirit]

Agree totally with the above poster.

This will only get worse and mothers using children as weapons is low and as her control lessens she will use the children more and more to get back at the dad.

My OH spent 2 years trying to negotiate with his EW (they were divorced in thus time). She frequently stopped contact when she felt like it. The straw that broke the camels back was when she wouldn’t let the daughter speak (let alone) see her dad on her 8th birthday. It does only get worse.

They now have a formal contact order (much to her dislike and my OH is reminded constantly how much she dislikes it). It takes the mothers control of the situation away and she can’t dictate or threaten. My OH wishes he had got one sooner. Your partner can easily represent himself.

Don’t you engage with her.

[Magda72]

OP - you sound so like my dps ex it is unreal. Where do women like you get this sense of entitlement from??? I know loads of single mums who work or study full time & who manage great & who's children are doing fantastically. Your ex was not put on this earth to to look after you!
If you are the same woman who posted a while back, everyone advised you to get some professional help & yet you are back on here again!
If you are genuinely depressed then please take the bull by the horns & get yourself sorted. If you're not then you need to cop on.

[swingofthings]

If she is being difficult about contact then he needs to go to court and get a formal contact order. If he has a formal contact order then he needs to go to court to enforce it. This will not get better, only worse, if he does not take steps to ensure he can see his kids
Although a judge might not disagree with the mother depending on the circumstances of the break up. The judge will consider what is in the best interest of the children and OP being in the picture isn't forcibly so at least to start with.