Ds not interacting with them

[mpeters82]

Hi,

My son goes with his dad every other weekend but getting fed up not knowing what is going to happen.

My ex tell me my son goes theres does not interact with his gf and her two kids. He wants to come home 2hrs of being there. He told his dad he wanted to only see him sundays but he changed his mind. Now I am on edge and not even sure he go with his dad.

My ex cancelled last weekend my son was upset and he was saying I want to kill myself but went on about school. My ex picked up on his doing that as he wants attention. Really upset both of us.

But my ex come for day with his gf I believe they need quality time together. He don't see him all.

Something happening my son not the same like he was at the start

[NorthernSpirit]

How old is your son?

Your son has a right to contact with his father and you don’t have a right to stop that contact.

You sound like you’re not promoting contact and your son could be picking up on this and trying to please you.

For example you say ‘Fed up not knowing what’s happening’ - what the father does on his contact tome has nothing to do with you (just like what you do on your time has nothing to do with the dad).

‘Now i’m not sure he should go with his dad’. This isn’t promoting contact. Why do you think you have the power to decide?

I would try to promote contact.

[SandyY2K]

I don't believe you are stopping contact OP. Your Ex needs to spend quality time with his son... which it doesn't sound like he is.

He never has his dad to himself. I think your Ex should look at taking him out sometimes and doing an activity... just the two of them.

He's not getting any attention from his dad by the sound of things.

[mpeters82]

Hi,

I just so confused.

My son is 10 and he was fine when his dad first moved in with his gf and her two kids.
My ex and I always argued each time he had him which was every weekend. He take my son out and he sit watch movies. They had a great father and son relationship.

I told my ex not going to keep arguing I had enough. We were fine after that.
Then I got a call saying my son causing arguments. Then he given his gf dirty looks. I did try talk to my son about this.
To me this when everything changed.
He would come back happy but cry when his dad goes.
Then according to my ex my son wants to only see him sundays. Then my son changes his mind wants to go saturday to monday morning. Then this keep changing his mind when he wanted to go drove me and his dad crazy.
So we stuck to every other weekend and he goes. But like my ex said you told him not to speak to anyone. I said I never said that.
You always ask him stuff. I just ask him if he has a good time. Plus they had cats so I ask about the cats as he loved then. Then my ex gf got pregnant and my son came home said he having a baby bro or sis. Then I congratulated them both when they picked up my son. I asked my ex how my son reacted and did he seem happy. He said no I thought how strange he always wanted a baby brother or sister. Then it was confirmed they were having a girl and they had to get rid of the cats. Then she lost the baby. Very sad time. I know it's a lot for him to go through.
But each week he goes he don't interact with them. He told me he shy around his dad.
So last time he went after two hrs apparently he wanted to come home. So my ex text I'm bringing him tommorow. So sunday he came back because he told his dad mondays he tired at school they travel 1hr and half on the bus.
My ex was meant to take him saturday he cancelled. There was an event in the pub in lives at. So my son kicks off saying I want to kill myself and going on about stuff at school. Then my ex said he come up sunday he always brings his girlfriend. So my son like no point but he would not chat to his dad on phone. I had to text he upset. So in the end my ex decided he will come see him sunday. This was wednesday last week. Then thursday missed his and friday he calls to say that sunday he working my son was upset but just went quiet. But my ex told he not having him new year so told him and that was it. He went off on one but this time his dad was like upset the way he was talking realized each time he cancelled he say this to get a reaction.
Then my ex spoke to him and he meant to go saturday but each time I ask him if he coming back sunday. Or if he going.
He avoids talking about it. But he has been talking about his dad. I encourage him to go but I cannot force him.
His dad would say your coming but now he like okay he don't want to come. He is upset. I try and try but don't know anymore.
My son also would come out with comments when I go to ask him he say it's nothing. I had forgot about that.

I heard him tell my mother he wants us back together. Then he said to her not to tell him but then he like just tell her. It was just his dad said your quiet like your mum or ungrateful. Sometimes thing he playing us off against each other.
Oh it's the comments he randomly comes out and said best for me if I go only sundays. Then changes his mind. I try talking about it he shuts down. Because they told him what happens here stays here so I told him well what happens at home with me stays here too.

Other than that I believe my ex stopped all the arguments and we just text each other about him. But it's like he creating now. He 10 years old

[mpeters82]

Sorry if it did not make sense.

I let my son make his own decisions. When he comes back he says when he next seeing his dad. My ex will text to make sure I know.
I just hope he goes has fun. This driving me nuts.

[readyforapummelling]

From what I can gather from your OP I think your son would benefit massively from some time alone with his dad away from his dads girlfriend and other children. Maybe if dad could allocate some one on one activities occasionally things may improve.

[mpeters82]

But my ex will never come see him on his own if just sundays. My son says he gone to buy food once.
Mostly he glued to his girlfriend.
I believe one to one important. But my ex is like I have sat and watched tv with in the mornings.
But he not doing taking him out much because he gives me money every month. I think. He moans that travelling to get him too much money.

[Northernparent68]

I’m sorry but I’m struggling to understand your posts

[mpeters82]

If you don't understand you could ask me to explain.

And you could ask what you don't understand aswell.

[SandyY2K]

I'm sorry but I’m struggling to understand your posts

Me too. It's very confusing... but I refer back to my post that they need to spend time together..without his dad's GF

[laloup1]

Hello,
A ten year old boy isn't my area of knowledge but I didn't want to just read your posts and not offer support.
There seems to be a lot of cancelling and changing plans, plus the comments about money. Does he feel unwanted by his dad? I agree with other posters that he and his dad need to spend some decent 1-1 time together.
I don't know what age kids get to have a say in their custody situation (in a formal court situation) - but I am not sure it is as young as 10, so maybe he is having too much say. Certainly it seems to me that it is really hard for him to know what he wants to do - so maybe having the choice is too much burden.
He and his dad might be more incentivised to work things through more quickly if they know they are committed to spending their time together.
Anyway take my thoughts or leave them - if they don't make sense in your situation, please don't give them a second thought. Good luck

[BlackandWhitepostcards]

I think maybe English isn't the op's first language (sorry if I'm wrong) but I can get the gist of what's being said.
Sounds like a difficult time for your ds with the loss of the baby and having to get rid of the cats.

[mpeters82]

All I know I cannot carry on like this on edge every other week.

[mpeters82]

Yesterday I picked my son up from his school club and because there was something happening he said I can't go as will be with my dad. He seems to be happy to be going today.

I did check with my ex to see if he will be getting him still and what time. He was like I told you I will be having him next week and he collecting him earlier. Glad I text him now.

I got great advice from my father on this aswell.

So hopefully everything will be okay. Although my dad says he excited to go my gets there and maybe picks up on a weird vibe. Or feels uncomfortable there wants to leave.

But my son not said when he coming back. Tommorow or monday.

[mpeters82]

My son went with his dad. This time I did not hang around to talk to them was not feeling well.
Funny my son was like mum go as they were getting off bus. His dad said you say bye to your mum.
I got a text later that evening saying he wants t

[mpeters82]

Come back today.
So was like okay and said is he okay?
He was like yes.

I have no idea when he coming back but I know I will get a text saying he on bus soon.

[mpeters82]

Yesterday we were late going to meet my ex. So he said hurry my bus going but we just got there in time. So was a bit annoyed by him saying he just go if we not there in time or he take bus fare off next money he gives me for my son.
I was already not happy even though our fault we were late.
Get a call from my ex saying my son only wants to see him once a month. But spoke to my son he didn't much.
How does that come up anyway.
Then get a text about something else too.

I said maybe as you seeing him less and less and he cancelled on him.

It's up to my son what he wants. Just think something not adding up here. I said to my ex this suits you just fine. They live above a pub too.
Even if my son only wants to go up there once a month he should be making more efforts to come down to see him. He does get days off I am not stupid. And he could surprise him by getting him at school taking him out one afternoon. But no he chooses not to.
He probably happy about this.
He phones to talk to him but this sometimes he says got to speak to u and then cancels weekends now.
It get to the point my son will say he don't want to see him at aĺl. Is this really what my son wants not sure this thought of once a month might of been put in his head or my son picked up on something.

[NetRunner]

It seems to me that your son is struggling with the responsibility of deciding when and for how long he sees his dad. Yes, at 10 years old a court would take his opinion into consideration but not necessarily allow him to be in charge of final contact arrangements. I think your son needs you and your ex to establish a regular and fixed contact schedule which everyone sticks to. If he is upset at dad's, dad needs to manage that situation, not cancel or shorten the contact time. Your son needs a chance to become part of his father's household. It isn't something you can control - even if you don't think his dad spends enough 1-to-1 time with him, you have to let that go and allow your ex to parent your son in the times he is there.

I truly think, from what you have said, that your son is crying out for the adults in his life to tell him how things will be. He needs stability and routine, not a responsibilty hr can't handle. Yes, there may be times your son is angry and upset that you are no longer a family unit. He may be stroppy or withdrawn with dad's new family. He may cry or get cross. These feelings need to be acknowledged and worked through with him by you and your ex. It isn't the right way to manage his difficult feelings by giving him responsibility for when he sees dad. You define the contact arrangements, let him know what they are and then deal as parents with his feelings. Once you havr a secure contact arrangement, you will also feel better as it is clearly causing you a lot of unhappiness and stress not knowing when or if he is going.

[NorthernSpirit]

Totally concour with what @Netrunner says.

Your son is 10 years old and shouldn’t have the responsibility to decide when and for how long he sees his dad. The adults in his life should be making those decisions. Define the contact and stick to it. A 10 year old child who probably has to be reminded to wash his face, brush his teeth and get dressed should not be deciding when he sees his dad. It’s upto the adults to decide and then stick to it.

The child only sees the dad EOW and yet he’s ringing you to say he wants to come home. Leave the child and the dad. There’s no need for you to be speaking to the child in the short space of time they spend together. The child probably picks up in your stress.

What the dad does on his time is his business - let the father parent the child on his time.

[ClownsAndJokers]

I agree that your son needs a regular, scheduled contact routine that his dad should not cancel. At the moment he’s getting messed around and at his age he will only be confused and feel rejected without necessarily being able to understand or explain why.

Have you or could you have a calm talk with your son about how he feels about seeing his dad, just the two of you, maybe while doing another activity like cooking a meal together so your son doesn’t feel all the attention is on him and it might be easier for him to open up to you.

His dad is not helping by cancelling visits at short notice as your son won’t know what is happening! It’s so unsettling for him. I definitely agree he is crying out for one on one time with his dad. If this is not going to happen because his dad won’t leave his girlfriend then at 10 he is probably old enough for you to have a calm factual talk about how his dad is being a bit selfish and parents should put their children first. It’s important your son knows that his dad isn’t acting in the best way by cancelling etc because then he will be able to understand it’s not his (your son’s) fault.

Try and talk about emotions ( I can see you are feeling angry/confused/frustrated/upset etc) and give him the language to think things through. It’s shit it’s down to you alone but it looks like his dad won’t be the one to support his emotional development at this tricky time so as time consuming and difficult as it is, it’s important that you as his mum are available to put things in perspective in a calm way.

Speaking from experience. Good luck and just keep on doing what you’re doing and keeping things stable at home for your son so at least he can rely on you.

[mpeters82]

Hi,

I agree but my ex no longer forces him to go up. Apparently he only wants to see him sundays now.

He won't really talk to me about this. He denies saying things to his dad. He said I want to go one sat to sun and then following week see him sunday.
Then I said nod if your upset and he did. I did ask if does he feel out of place.
I just getting fed up tbh. I can't plan weekends. I was getting use to every other weekend.
If I said to my ex we need to arrange when you see him and stick he say we forcing him or I am.
My ex also moans how much he spends on travel to collect him and wonder if he saying that because of this.

I just don't know what to do.

I think I tell my ex we need to do a plan and stick to it.

Then my ex assumes I am free so he says on the bus. I said I'm out aswell.

To be honest I need a break but at the same time when he here at least I know I can plan my weekend. My son said he tired traveling there and that he comes back horrible to me. Still think he not saying something. My ex said his gf told him to come up and see his dad. I said why you not doing what she did. He given up and can't be bothered.

I know he gets days off but he could surprise him at school or arrange a day for them two to go out. I said his efforts are less and less. My son just like thinking no point seeing him he can't have one to one. At home just me and him.

If he said the truth to me not hiding how he feels I get it.

[mpeters82]

Apart of me thinks this what my ex wants.
He use to see his dad sat-monday it was fine. Then it changed when they said my son was giving his gf dirty looks. He seen his dad less and less. If something came up they see him sunday. My ex works saturday so if I want to away I could not.

[NetRunner]

If your ex won't be reasonable and create a defined contact schedule for your son - which is in his best interests as the current instability clearly causes him unhappiness - then go to court to get a Defined Contact Order. You are in a really difficult position if your ex won't work with you on this. I suggest YOU draw up a contact schedule for the next 3 months, detailing when your son will be coming to see his father and who will be responsible for travel arrangements. You will have to do some of the travel and so will he. I would suggest that at first you do the first leg - take your son to his father - and then make yourself unavailable during the contact time. Do not respond to calls or messages unless he lets you know of a genuine emergency. To avoid your son feeling a bit abandoned at first, you could tell him that you will be sending him a message at a given time each evening and make sure you do. If your son calls or messages during that time saying he wants to come home, reply to him very kindly that he needs to talk to his dad if he is feeling upset and remind him that you will see him on Sunday. You may have to do this a lot at first to support your son through the changes but do not waver. If son says he wants to come home, refer him to dad. If dad then messages to say he wants to bring him back, respond simply that you are away from home and won't be back until Sunday. Repeat until message received. Good luck!

[NetRunner]

Please please don't talk to your son anymore about what he wants / when he is going there / why doesn't he do what his dad's girlfriend suggests. The fact that your son has stopped engaging with you on these conversations speaks volumes: he doesn't want to have them. He doesn't know what he wants or what to do so please stop asking him. Tell him what will be happening and stick to it like glue. It WILL be hard at first as your son is not used to the adults in his life taking charge. It has come from a really good place - you don't want your son to be upset so you have tried to get him to make the decisions. He just can't. You obviously love your son very much but you will have to be strong and accept that you have a tough time ahead with him whilst he gets used to a new way of doing things and the adult(s) in his life taking charge for him. He really, really needs this - and so do you.

[NetRunner]

Me again haha... please don't think I am judging you. When it is our own children, we often can't see the wood for the trees and get so embroiled in all the angst, stress, guilt that comes along with being a parent (especially when the parent relationship has dissolved) that it can feel impossible to get out of. I have an ongoing situation with my own DS 11 which makes me feel exactly that way. It's really easy for me as an outsider to your life to say what you should do - but of course, I only get to know and interpret what you tell us and in addition, I then don't have to carry out my own well-meaning advice. It is hard, especially when you sound like you are pretty much at your wits' end with it all. I know how that feels! I really hope that things get sorted for your son, his dad and you soon and that you can find a way forward that works for everyone. To be honest, your ex sounds like a bit of a manchild. He also might feel better if you just took charge of the situation. All the best!

[mpeters82]

Hi,

I did try to talk to my son but got nothing so not going to put pressure leave it for now. He meant to see his dad 7 january.

I have suggested to bring my son up there to him my ex thinks I going to go where he lives or works.

When he lived same town and worked I use to take my son to see him at work. He worked for mobile phone shop. Apparently it was not affecting his work. My son has ADHD and there use to be a lot of issues etc. Cut long story short my ex moved out town but in different store. Then he moved to different town. He use live across from us and if he was off he would take. This time we were constantly arguing.

Then he moved in with his gf which was out of the town quite far 1hr and 30 min on bus. He had quit that mobile phone shop went to different job up there.
He would take him sat - mon. Then once I had enough of arguing with my ex then it seemed like my son was the one causing issues. I just didn't react to it.
I did however ask him on monday morning to take our son school but he didn't like that. Then as I said everything went downhill. My son use to love going there would come back we done this and that. They had cat he loved to play with. I only use to ask him how was the cats. But my ex and gf were expecting a baby and they got rid of cats. Apparenly my ex gf told my son if they have a baby he won't be the youngest. Then after he told me he was having baby bro or sis. When I asked my ex how ge reacted he said he was not happy. I was shocked he always wanted a bro or sis.
I congratulated him and her. Infact spoke to his gf and she said a lot.
Then sadly they lost the baby. I found out from my son. Apparently that was their third baby they lost.
Since then he just like apparently told them he don't want to go up there.
I totally get my son or them have had a lot to deal with.
My son not wanting to go not making sense.
I do think he wants to go but something stopping him.