Losing the will

(21 Posts)
Louw12345 Sun 19-Nov-17 09:27:55

My partners son is so loud it's unreal. Is this normal for boys? He seems over excited all the time to but can sit quietly.
At his dad's and nannas they let him have the tv on loud let him play in the kitchen etc.
His daughter told me when thwy are at home they play in their rooms and mummy always shouts upstairs to them.
I feel at age 4 as I did with mine at that is to remind them that they don't need to be so loud we are sat in the same room/ or they are in the same room.

I honstly feel that if I'm reminding him all the time not to shout just the two weekends out of the month he's here it's not going to help things at all. He doesn't have hearing problems either I honestly just think he's so used to loudness around him he's learnt to be so loud.
I brought him downstairs before as it was only his voice I could here and explained to him that he can not shout like that in the house and at this time in the morning. I left him to think about it before I allowed for the tv to gone.

I just don't know if I'm doing the right thing or not.

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Justbookedasummmerholiday Sun 19-Nov-17 09:29:20

Where is df when this behaviour is going on?

Louw12345 Sun 19-Nov-17 17:35:24

I must admit he was in bed. I had to get up as I heard all the kids and eldest had recently told me that it is annoying when they are up early making so much noise she's in year 10 so really does need her rest.
Thing is my kids can be awake for ages in their room before anyone knows they are awake. Also I'm not saYong my kids don't make noise they do and have to be reminded but not ever 5 mins.
My partner had these past 2 days asked his son to talk quietly but he doesn't listen to him. Example of him not listening is he wanted to go on hos dad's phone but his sister was on it his dad said we have spoken about sharing and it's your sisters turn. His son kept asking and asking and asking and dad just kept saying you have to share. I said wow you dragged that out didn't you he said what do you mean (son still moaning) so I said to his son. Your dad has said you have to share it's your sisters turn if you continue to ask and moan you will not get another turn do you understand. He said yes and went off to play. Now I think all it would of taken was for him to say no son but he never days no. Takes about 10 times of him saying something before his voice and tone changes to a firmer one. He says they never listen but why would they when he doesn't make them listen.
Maybe it's our differences in parenting but I just think there is no need at age 4 they should listen? Or do I thibk that coz I have girls and they have always listened at such a young age. Or is it coz he doesn't thibk he's a proper dad coz he only has them weekends (he's said before).
I honestly don't know buy we have been doing ever 2 weekends to build up to every weekend. I'm in uni and fancy a lay in myself but honstly I don't know how anyone sleeps through the noise

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SisterhoodisPowerful Sun 19-Nov-17 17:42:00

He should be getting up with the kids, especially if he doesn’t feel he’s a ‘real’ father. Getting up with them is being a real father. You also need to sit down together and discuss your expectations on behaviour and consequences. Kids need structure. They need to know what the boundaries are.

lunar1 Sun 19-Nov-17 17:49:51

It’s a bit pathetic that he can’t get up and be a parent for two weekends a month! I seriously can’t imagine why women have such low standards.

My boys are more than capable of listening and playing quietly, so no it’s not just what all boys do.

Louw12345 Sun 19-Nov-17 17:55:32

I feel that mine are here and i have more i just get up. If it was just mine they would come and get in bed with me, and put the tv on. But his son is super charged up in the morning. My kids are currently sat on the sofa with red eyes coz they are so tired.
I have done so many times iv said say no and end of but he just said you thibk I'm a shit dad. I don't at all but between us we have 7 kids mine always moan at me that they get away with stuff.
I said to him from day 1 my house my rules and he still to this day doesn't always follow them (my partner ) like I always feel I'm telling his kids no to do something but he never tells mine if I'm not in the same room how am I ment to know? But when I was pissed off coz his son stood on my bag for a second time after I said nor to do that as that I mine and not to be stood on. His reply (my partner ) was well was there anything in it that could get broken? I said no not the point the bottom is bent in half it should be a solid bottom then he said well ...... always takes my screen protector off my phone so I said well tell them not to and he said I just buy another I said how will they learn If you just replace everything. And said tell them not to or don't let them on your phone it's as simple as that?

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Louw12345 Sun 19-Nov-17 17:56:52

Lunar he brings his children to mine every 2 weekends the other 2 he stays at home with them! Love how you always seem to jump to conclusions

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Cabininthewoods69 Sun 19-Nov-17 18:34:20

4 is very young still. My 9 year old girl speaks loudly but i remind her and she makes the effort to lower her voice. It does only happen when shes excited. Let kids be kids which means they need boundarys but also they are loud and do get up early. If its such a problem for your children then maybe you stop them staying as the kids come first

CosmicCanary Sun 19-Nov-17 18:45:04

You parent differently.
You believe children should be seen and not heard.
Your DP believes leaving parenting to the women.
This will never work.
You will end up resenting a 4 yo.

Louw12345 Sun 19-Nov-17 18:57:49

Yes I understand that I really do. And mine do but it's alot more than being excited. I personally just think it's something he has learnt to do, and me asking him to talk quietly isn't going to do much good if the others days at home and at his dads/mums they don't.
I know I think I will have to drop it back down to one night. I have been thinking of other sOultons such as moving my 2nd into the loft room so his have their own room and maybe won't be up so early.
I know kids are loud I have 5 they have learnt by being asked not to shout etc but I can't be the only one doing that every 2 weeks as he will never learn how loud he is being if you get me?

My partner made comment which made me think I'm at him all the time but today I only asked him this morning at 9am and at the dinner table when he was shouting about something. I left the rest to my partner. He put way too much food in his mouth then let it all fall out slowly my partner smiled and coz of that the other kids lAugher then he did it again. I got up and walked off.

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Louw12345 Sun 19-Nov-17 19:02:38

I will just lower the stay over time then he gets more 1 to 1 time with him. Which I think is also important its hard when they are all together in one house.

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CosmicCanary Sun 19-Nov-17 19:21:12

Why are you trying to parent and change behaviours in a child you see twice a month?

Seriously you look at your partner and see "good parent" shock
If you do you need to set the bar a lot bloody higher!

Cabininthewoods69 Sun 19-Nov-17 19:34:50

Its very difficult in a blended family situation. We had our issues of older ones sleeling until midday in the lounge and keeping a 3 year old quiet so not to wake them. It all changed as soon as i mentioned that it wasnt working to my dh. Im really old fashioned with table manners so i can see why you walked away. Doesnt help much now but he wont be little forever it will get easier

BatteredBreadedOrSouthernFried Sun 19-Nov-17 19:38:19

So just stop having them at your house. Your boyfriend is using you as his babysitter so he doesn’t have to get up and look after his own kids. Don’t be a mug.

Louw12345 Sun 19-Nov-17 19:40:33

I don't know why I think it's the mum in me I have 3 young children and I have to make sure they are all treated the same. So if i dont actcept my shouting at the table why would i for his? I think he thinks he doesn't want to be the dad that is always telling them off. Which I understand in a way, but that shouldnt stop the use of bundriers. He loves his kids and missing them. He was very hands on when he lived with them and i think he just needs to find his footing again, it doesn't help that he is always beat down by ex saying he doesn't do this and that in the week but he isn't allowed access in the week. it doesn't make him a bad dad though far from it.

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BatteredBreadedOrSouthernFried Sun 19-Nov-17 19:43:01

He was very hands on when he lived with them and i think he just needs to find his footing again

Be careful what you are willing to believe. Actions speak louder than words. How long have they been separated?

Louw12345 Sun 19-Nov-17 19:46:19

@Cabininthewoods69 thank you that's what I ment to say. I'm not too good with putting things into words. It's very much a blended family situation. I must admit it's hard as I do take a step back but sometimes I just think God grow a back bone and tell them no. But that's how he parents and who am I to say what is right and wrong I mean he might think I'm wrong for saying straight out no to my kids etc.

I must admit I do feel this is the case now I'm so tired from it all. He's ment to be moving in next year but I don't think that will be a good idea if things are still like this.

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Louw12345 Sun 19-Nov-17 19:48:46

He finished work at 2 to have the kids from 3 while his ex went to work till 11 they worked together as a family. Please don't think I'm an idiot and only hear one side of the story.

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Cabininthewoods69 Sun 19-Nov-17 19:49:16

Family meeting with new house rules altogether. Reward charts to. But yes long term your relatiobship may be better if you wait to move in together. That is such a rubbish thing to deal with and im sorry for that but play the long game it will pay off.

Louw12345 Sun 19-Nov-17 20:00:06

@Cabininthewoods69 thank you I think that is something we will definitely sit down and talk about. Then the house rules will be for all children and can get them involved to. I think rewards charts will be excellent idea. It's something that has to be done tbh I need to learn to take a step back and a step forward. Thank you for your advice

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Louw12345 Sun 19-Nov-17 20:00:52


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