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Difficult teen disrupting mum's lovelife

(52 Posts)
Penny47 Sun 12-Nov-17 14:44:29

My son (divorced with 2 young children) has recently met and fallen in love with a lovely lady aged 40. She is also divorced and has 2 girls, 16 and 12. The 16 year old is positively foul to my son and his children. Her poor mum is so distressed about it. The youngest would probably be more amenable if it wasn't for her older sister. Both her mum and her dad have spoken to her to try to make her behaviour more acceptable, but nothing works. Bless him, my son tries hard to bridge the gap. He recently invited them all out for a meal. The 16 year old sat at the table but refused to eat at all.
Her mum and my son would like to move in together - they've been together for a year - but the daughter's behaviour is making that unlikely.
Has anyone faced this problem? Any advice?

swingofthings Sun 12-Nov-17 15:32:03

Yes, they need to wait longer. 1 year is not that long of a period, and remains way too short when they are still issues.

Why is the 16yo so foul? Is it only with him or she is having issues with everyone. Does she say that she doesn't want her mum to be in any relationship or is it your son she has an issue with?

Penny47 Sun 12-Nov-17 16:14:31

She's very difficult with her mum. Mum left dad 2 years ago and I think the daughters always hoped she'd go back. Her relationship with my son confirms that mum isn't going back, so I think she blames him. His 2 children are 8 and 6 and they want to be friends with the 2 girls but the eldest is just so rude and spiteful to them.
We all want to help with the situation but no one quite knows what to do. Do you just let her get away with her behaviour?

KatieKookaburra26 Sun 12-Nov-17 16:18:00

I think it’s down to the mum with what to do with her behaviour. Can the Mum not talk to her daughter about why she feels this way?. Make sure nobody else is involved with this conversation too. It is really hard for teens to deal with this sort of stuff.

BatteredBreadedOrSouthernFried Sun 12-Nov-17 16:24:48

Why do they need to move in together? Why do people see that as the be all and end all? It’s perfectly fine, and actually preferable in some situations to continue living separately and just date each other. Not all families should be blended. Certainly not this one!

Your son should step back and leave her to Deal with her own children. Outside of special occasions he has no reason to be around them or try and force his children on her children. Of course a 16 year old has no interest in an 8 or 6 year old who are no relation to them!

Penny47 Sun 12-Nov-17 17:04:10

So, are you suggesting that the families never meet? How do you ever form a relationship if you never meet up. There are 6 people involved, should everything revolve round one person? I have 4 children myself and 6 ģrandchildren, so I fully understand the difficulties facing teenagers but I'm not sure I agree that their needs should dominate. I think she is a very unhappy young girl at the moment - what with her own relationships with friends, exams etc. But.......should she just be allowed to behave badly without any repercussions?

KatieKookaburra26 Sun 12-Nov-17 17:06:17

No she shouldn’t behave badly without repercussions but maybe there’s a specific reason for it. In all honesty loving in whilst the teenagers having a bad time already, on top of exams is just bad news. I think this is between her and her mum not her mums boyfriends mother.

AJPTaylor Sun 12-Nov-17 17:08:28

The issue is though that you cant make a 16 year old act in any particular way.
If she is 16 i would just bide my time. Before you know it she will be 18 and outta there without a backward glance.

Justoneme Sun 12-Nov-17 17:25:10

Sod that for a laugh.... DD is a young adult her behaviour is only going to get worse.

swingofthings Sun 12-Nov-17 17:25:42

You don't k ow what the issue is. All you see if you son frustrated because he'd like to move in with his girlfriend and her daughter gets in a way.

I very muggy g thst at 16 her sole issue is that she still wants mummy and daddy to get back together.

Could it be that she's had to move, maybe change school or that your son moving in mean tbey would move or she would need to give up her bedroom? Those are the things most 16yo are more concerned with.

Penny47 Sun 12-Nov-17 17:34:18

I have no intention of interfering. I live some way from them. I would just like to find a solution if at all possible. Yes, of course I want to see my son happy - he's had a really bad few years and his new love has made such a difference to his life - but I also hate to see a young girl so unhappy that she's become rude and unpleasant. It runs off on her little sister too.

Floralnomad Sun 12-Nov-17 17:38:07

Maybe she doesn’t like your son , maybe she is worried that if she starts being pleasant your son will move in and then she will have to compete with his children for her mums attention when he has his children there , it could be any number of things none of which you or probably your son can help with . Her mum needs to sort her out . Has her dad got a new partner ?

HipsterAssassin Sun 12-Nov-17 17:38:33

Her parents need to handle this 16yo and there is very little your son could, or should do. One year into a relationship is nothing when 2 sets of kids are involved. He is 'mum's boyfriend' and needs to just step back. Being taken out for a meal with some adults is not what a 16 year old would consider an olive branch, stop looking at this from an adult perspective and start seeing it through the eyes of the 16 year old.

Of course the 8 and 6 year olds want to be friends. Cos they are 8 and 6. But I'm afraid you'd be hard pressed to find 16 year olds who want to hang out/be friends with random primary school-age children.

I think the 16 year old needs to be respectful to the adults and spend some time together and be civil. And if not there should be consequences along side understanding. But I don't think this is for you to be mulling over. It's for her own parents to sort out. The relationships all need time, much, much, more time.

Fairylea Sun 12-Nov-17 17:39:03

Oh gosh I was that teen blushblush

My mum and Dad divorced and I was absolutely vile to any boyfriends my mum had (and she only had about 2-3 because of me). I would be as rude as possible and ignore them etc. I don’t even know why I did it now (I’m 37 now!) I think I didn’t like the idea of my mum being a sexual person in her own right, I didn’t like them being around, they were strangers to me. It was fine just me and mum so why change it? I hated sharing space with them. Eventually they all left - probably because of me - and my mum was on her own. She just gave up and never met anyone else until I was about 25!

I feel bad about it now. I can see she deserved to have a life too, and when I was 19ish I was busy having my own life. I think teenagers just don’t like change; it’s difficult.

I don’t think she should stop seeing your son. Just take things very slowly.

Ttbb Sun 12-Nov-17 17:41:59

Ok so this is very much about the mother and the way that she behaved. Nothing that anyone else can do about it. It's not about your son. He just got caught in the cross fire.

stitchglitched Sun 12-Nov-17 17:45:20

It all sounds quite rushed really. In the last 2 years she has had to cope with the breakdown of her parent's marriage and the introduction of a new man who already wants to move in and his younger kids too. I'm surprised any mother would be willing to move a new man she's known a matter of months in with her teenage daughters tbh. How long did they wait before introductions were made?

valuerangeweetabixandmilk Sun 12-Nov-17 17:54:50

The title of your thread says it all OP. The girl has been judged by you and your son as difficult because her mum wants a love life. Why do people act shocked when the children act out when actually the disruption to their lives are enormous. One day the family is secure and then it isnt. Not only that but there is a new partner being pulled into a situation which is unhappy already (to the child). I would act out too. Yes adults like a love life but they are parents first and the focus should be the kids until they are 18 and are adults.
Thread after thread criticise teenagers for their nehaviour around a new partner and yes, a year is still new and no time at all. Imo it is unfair to make a partner come into a family if the children are not happy. Why should a 16 yr old play best friends with young kids she doesnt even want to or have the choice of meeting? It is not expected that single parents be sexless or single until the kids leave home but a relationship shouldnt progress into blending families until ALL parties are ready. The fact she refuses to eat when the forced meal happens clearly shows the daughter isnt ready. And the mother is not a 'poor' mum. She is a mum who is introducing her own choices onto her family before they are ready and your son along with her should respect that or risk damaging realationships in future.

Ragwort Sun 12-Nov-17 18:00:11

Why is your son in such a rush to move in with his girl friend, why can't they just 'date' and enjoy each other's company without rushing to set up home together? He can be perfectly happy with his girlfriend without having to live together. His own children are still very young so why cause so much upset all round? confused.

In many ways surely it is better to enjoy the 'romance' of dating without all the tediousness of sharing a house together & arranging all the practical issues of blending two families.

BatteredBreadedOrSouthernFried Sun 12-Nov-17 18:10:25

So, are you suggesting that the families never meet? How do you ever form a relationship if you never meet up

Do they have to meet? You and your DP are the ones who fancy each other, want to go out with each other, like each other’s company. That doesn’t mean your children have to be involved. There is nothing wrong with them having no interest in sharing their home and living spaces with people they have nothing in common with just because their parents happen to be attracted to each other.

Belleoftheball8 Sun 12-Nov-17 18:10:44

It’s such a complex thing blending families and should be something done over an extended period of time. A year of dating could be considered to be the time you introduce each other’s children not moving into together. It’s only been 2years since her parents split and it’s hard adjusting them faced with your mother dating a man with two young children. I don’t mean to sound harsh but it’s really none of your business you don’t know this girl and you have a brief overview of a situation. It is not your place to get involved but up to her mother to deal with.

BatteredBreadedOrSouthernFried Sun 12-Nov-17 18:11:09

Sorry, not you and your DP. Your son and his DP.

Penny47 Sun 12-Nov-17 18:41:25

I suspect you're right.

BrandNewHouse Sun 12-Nov-17 18:46:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

izzyislington Sun 12-Nov-17 18:49:05

My teenage BFF gave her mum’s boyfriend absolute hell for several years. Rude, obnoxious, phases of eating disorders & self harm, overdoses - subconciously anything she could do to get her mum’s attention away from the boyfriend and back onto her. Looking back, she was a very sick and very jealous adolescent. However, unbelievably, he stuck with the mum through all this, and twenty five years later they’re still together and he is a lovely grandpa to my friend’s children - a better and more devoted grandpa actually than their blood grandfather, my BFF’s dad.
So it CAN work out - but rather against the odds of that very difficult start.

Ilovetolurk Sun 12-Nov-17 18:49:40

I think from the teen’s perspective the thought of your DS moving in and stepchildren staying part of the week (what would be the logistics for this?) is probably not appealing and she has no control over it hence the acting out

As others have said they should take their time there are four children’s needs who should come first

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