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When to move in with partner who has children?

(15 Posts)
uka888 Thu 09-Nov-17 12:56:25

Hi,

I have been with my partner for 3 years, he has two great boys who are 7 and 5 who he sees 2/3 times a week. We took our time before I met them and didn't meet them until we had been together for 7/8 months. Everything we have done we have done quite slowly (me staying over when they were there, me meeting the ex etc) and over time I feel a lovely relationship has developed between myself and them.

The last two summers we have all been away in the summer holidays together, I have looked after them quite a few times for the day when my partner has had to work, don't get me wrong there are times when they drive me a little mad with their behavior (!) but in general I feel very lucky to have been accepted by them like I have.

I own my own place too but now tend to spend 6 nights a week at my partners, we have spoken about me moving in several times but sometimes I freak out its never actually going to happen. He says it will happen and its like I live there anyway already, he refers to it as my home, he's brought me new dressing table etc so why put pressure on myself worrying about it, but to me its an important thing the next step in our relationship and to feel its our proper home.

He is quite an independent type anyway so I know the reason for being slow with the moving in together is he feels he will have no time to himself (which I disagree I think he will have more as I will still be doing things with friends etc), he obviously has a bad experience living with his ex so why change things atm when things are good and he worries he won't get anytime alone with the boys (the night I don't stay in the week is the night they regularly stay over). I have tried to reassure him he will definitely still get time by himself with the boys as I know this is important, but its hard when a majority of the time its lovely us spending time as a 4 when they are over!

Should I be worried he isn't ready for me to officially move in? Is there anything I can do to put his mind at ease?

The1975 Thu 09-Nov-17 13:05:46

Yes, sounds to me like he's making excuses and isn't ready.

Sorry, that's not very helpful, but it sounds like he wants it all on his terms and isn't really taking your needs into account. I see no reason why he can't have 1:1 time with his boys if you're living together or go out with friends without you.

Perhaps cut back on the time you spend at his place and do your own thing a bit more?

bottlesandcans Thu 09-Nov-17 13:08:22

Never

RockyBayEve Thu 09-Nov-17 16:24:47

You have your own place and no children?
Find someone without baggage.

swingofthings Thu 09-Nov-17 16:52:17

Funnily, my OH was feeling the same, but the roles were reversed in that it was me moving in with the children. Like your OH, he is a very independent person, and was used to his freedom. It came up at one stage of our relationship that I felt we were not seeing enough of eachother, ie. I felt that we should at least make the most of the one day I didn't have the children), whereas he felt that he still needed time for himself. I know that he worried then that it would get worse when we moved in together.

Thankfully he still went ahead with it and as I suspected, it went exactly the other way around. From my perspective, knowing that we would end up next to each other in bed each night, I felt much less the need to spend every spare minute with him, up the point where being myself a very independent person, I too welcome my own space and time. We've lived together for 6 years and it's never been an issue!

I hope your OH realises that it's actually being away from each other that makes you want to spend all the time together rather than the other way around!

uka888 Thu 09-Nov-17 18:08:41

Thats interesting swingofthings. I am really sure when we live together he will end up having more time alone and alone with the boys! As I am at his 6 nights a week maybe i should be doing more of my own things now anyway so he starts to know what I mean.

drfostersbra Sun 19-Nov-17 15:28:09

Don't do it.
Get a new place together or you'll be made to feel like an unwelcome inconvenience.
#badday

hotbutteredcrumpetsandtea Sun 19-Nov-17 15:30:29

So you want to move in and he doesn't want you to? I'm not sure why you are asking us when is the best time to move in, or what it has to do with the children at all....surely that is all a moot point when he doesn't want you to move into his house?

Justbookedasummmerholiday Sun 19-Nov-17 15:33:22

The right time is never. ...

NorthernSpirit Sun 19-Nov-17 15:38:00

I would also advise you to get your own place together. The house is his and you’ll feel like a guest. I speak from experience - my OH moved in with me (he has 2 kids) and he never quite treated the place as his own.

Since we’ve got our own place together it’s so different. Tasks are shared and it feels like ‘our’ home.

Popsicle434544 Sun 19-Nov-17 19:21:41

Never

HelloSquirrels Sun 19-Nov-17 19:24:11

Everyone saying never is right. Sorry op!

AtSea1979 Sun 19-Nov-17 19:26:48

He clearly doesn't want to live with you. Take the hint and move on.

expatinscotland Sun 19-Nov-17 19:38:13

He doesn't want to live with you. And that's good, because you can do a lot better than some guy with all this baggage who's already whinging about how he won't get time to himself and waaaaa. Why are you chasing after him looking for ways to 'ease his mind' and accommodate him? You have your own place and no baggage, stop wasting your time chasing after him. If a live-in relationship is what you want, move on. It's not for him.

TwitterQueen1 Sun 19-Nov-17 19:42:14

He doesn't want you to move in. That's all there is to it. I would start making other plans OP.

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