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Hardly get to see partner due to his daughter

(54 Posts)
cornishmaid72 Thu 09-Nov-17 12:34:23

My partner works away Mon-Fri, and every other weekend we have his 3-yr old daughter for the whole weekend, and every other Sunday. This means I don't get to see him alone very one day in 14! I love my step daughter dearly, but she exhausts us and we collapse into bed early when she is here, so no romantic meals for us! We are struggling as we just don't get to see each other on our own very much. I understand that the SD is important, but I think my relationship is important too! Just asking for practical advice as to how we can get time together to make it work, as we are growing apart. The SD lives a 2.5 hour drive away, which my partner has to do, there and back, as the ex won't drive down to us, for some reason. I have a good relationship with the ex. Also bear in mind that my partner didn't want a child, she was conceived after a very very brief dalliance, and he didn't know she was born until she was 3 months old. Also he didn't tell me he had a child until six months after me and him got together. I love him a lot and don't want to split up.

Elkilil Thu 09-Nov-17 12:37:31

That's not a lot of time for a daughter to see her dad. Is there no alternative work or living arrangements that could be made to make things easier.

LineysRum Thu 09-Nov-17 12:42:27

Can you clarify how long the return journey takes? I'm reading as 2.5 hours to collect his DD, and 2.5 hours to bring her back? And he does that twice on a Sunday sometimes?

I must have read that wrong.

cornishmaid72 Thu 09-Nov-17 12:48:55

Yes, you;re right, 2.5. hours there and 2.5 hours back.

Somerville Thu 09-Nov-17 12:52:40

Umm, he works away 19 days a fortnight, and has his daughter 2 days a fortnight. But you're blaming his daughter and not his job for the reason that you don't see enough of him?

cornishmaid72 Thu 09-Nov-17 12:52:59

Not really.. we can't move as we are renovating an old house, and my partner's work takes him all over the place. If the ex could drive down it would make things easier, but she has a baby of 1 year old so it is a bit tricky for her.

Somerville Thu 09-Nov-17 12:53:06

Typo - 10, not 19.

WhatKatyDidnt Thu 09-Nov-17 12:54:02

His job is the problem, not his daughter!

cornishmaid72 Thu 09-Nov-17 12:54:37

Not really blaming anyone.. it's just the way it is. If he was away in the week and then we saw each other at weekends, it would be ok. But added to the fact that he is away in the week is the fact that we spend the weekend with his DD. If it was just one or the other it would be better. But we don't have a choice!

calamityjam Thu 09-Nov-17 12:57:22

Sorry op, but I can guarantee that you will get zero sympathy on here for your relationship as DSD's needs will come first followed by the mum who presumably gets very little time to persue a relationship of her own. Unless he changes his job or you move closer to DSD, then I don't see how things could change tbh.

Alanna1 Thu 09-Nov-17 12:57:32

On the weekends you only have her on a sunday, why don’t you see if there is an air bnb or hotel you could stay in near her mum’s. Then you would have a fun romantic sat night and/or sun night, and do some fun activity with his daughter during the sunday all together?

GreatStar Thu 09-Nov-17 13:00:02

The problem is his job

Not his daughter.

What do you mean by
" Also bear in mind that my partner didn't want a child, she was conceived after a very very brief dalliance, and he didn't know she was born until she was 3 months old"

What has that got to do with anything? The child can hardly be sent back!!!

"he didn't tell me he had a child until six months after me and him got together"
He's not very honest is he?
Why did he keep it a secret?
I'm getting suspicious about this working away hmm

Whataboutmeee Thu 09-Nov-17 13:03:14

Are you planning on having a child together?

2014newme Thu 09-Nov-17 13:03:32

It's the job that's the issue. He sees his daughter for a very small % of the week, just one or two days. If he got a different job you'd see each other every night.
How answer horrid to blame your lack Of time together on the child. Shame on you.

ElfEars Thu 09-Nov-17 13:04:43

That's just how it is dating a parent OP. If you had a child together you wouldn't get any days off. Obviously contact can't change so if you need change it would need to be his job. Or even your job if he works at the same place all week? Not sure I could trust someone who kept their own child a secret from me for 6 months.

BatteredBreadedOrSouthernFried Thu 09-Nov-17 13:07:38

Also he didn't tell me he had a child until six months after me and him got together.

How did he manage to hide her for 6 months considering you say you have no time without her?

Or is the truth that you actually have every other Friday and Saturday with him? Because that’s what it sounds like from your OP so I’m not really sure what the problem is.

IshipTomHardysohard Thu 09-Nov-17 13:07:42

Op you got with your partner knowing he had a young child, so you really can’t complain now that it’s effecting your time together.

So you can either carry on as you are or leave him. He can’t cut down on his time spent with his child.

Posts like this really make me angry, get a grip op. And stop blaming this on a defencelessness small child. hmm

2014newme Thu 09-Nov-17 13:16:19

^She did not get with knowing he had a you child as he kept it secret for 6 months

LoverOfCake Thu 09-Nov-17 13:16:24

He didn't tell you he had a child until six months in and you stayed with him?

TBH I understand that the fact he has his DD every other weekend and works the rest of the time makes it difficult to have time together but this is just life.

When I got together with my partner I had a 50/50 arrangement with my ex meaning that I was on my own every other weekend hence I got together with DP. However a couple of years in my DC stopped spending weekends at XH's meaning that if my DP had come on the scene at that point a relationship just wouldn't have been possible due to A, the distance between us, and B, the fact that DC was with me all the time meaning that getting to know someone independently of children was off the cards.

When you're in a relationship with a parent it means their contact with their children needs to come first, especially if that contact is only every other weekend. The fact that he didn't want a child in the first place is irrelevant. The fact that he didn't tell you until six months into a relationship that he had a child is very relevant and you should be questioning A, just what kind of person you have become involved with and whether you would be comfortable with him denying your child's existence, and B, where your own boundaries lay that you were prepared to continue a relationship with a man who was happy to lie about something so substantial in his life as the existence of a three year old child.

LoverOfCake Thu 09-Nov-17 13:20:14

I wonder whether the omission of the child's existence is part of the resentment here. The OP got together with a man who she believed to be child free, presumably six months in discussions were being had about the future together and plans for where the relationship was going, possibly even about whether they would have their own children in the future. And then a child was brought into the equation who from the OP's perspective didn't exist until then. And that changed everything, hence why she is now resentful and feels that the daughter has ruined their relationship.

In a sense she's right, the daughter has changed things because the relationship is not as she thought it would be. But what the OP needs to do is to go back to the beginning and ask herself why her standards are so low that she has continued to build a relationship with a man who omitted to tell her he was a father and would be driving a five hour round trip every weekend to spend time with the child the OP never knew he had.

Hellomaryimback Thu 09-Nov-17 13:21:31

The last part of your post clearly shown the angle your coming from and totally irrelevant.

She is not an inconvenience. She is a small human being who has more right to him than you do.

I'm married with three kids and still don't get to have nice meals out. Grow up

You'd do well to leave then too it as your are clearly starting to resent her. I hope he is well aware of your thoughts and sends you packing tbh

mimiholls Thu 09-Nov-17 13:22:43

You get every other Saturday alone together? More than most parents get.

Akire Thu 09-Nov-17 13:23:47

Can he not see his daughter where she lives on just the Sunday visits? He’s wasting a lot of time. Not counting journey up she’s then spending 2.5h back and 2.5h returning to his 10h driving!

Not exactly quality time for a 3y old stuck in the back. So he leaves 7 gets there 9.30. Home for 12. Leaves at 5 her house 7.30 back with you 10pm!

Surely he can drive up to hers for 9.30 spend the 5 quality hours doing stuff in her town. Leave 2.30 back 5 then whole evening for you.

Ttbb Thu 09-Nov-17 13:24:05

What, so you actively want a DP who is a rubbish dad? hmm

hotbutteredcrumpetsandtea Thu 09-Nov-17 13:24:22

Your focus is all wrong. You hardly get to see him because he works away mon-friday, NOT because he spends time with his daughter.

Even if that were true, which it is not, his relationship with her is far more important than your relationship with him, and it sounds like he is trying to put her first now at least, after hiding her away for 6 months hmm

You can't even be together very long?

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