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Stepchild often wants alone time with dp on family day out...wwyd?

(32 Posts)
malificent7 Mon 06-Nov-17 10:09:52

I encourage dp to have 1:1 time with his dd who is lovely. She's only 8. Often we will go out as a blended family ( my dd too) and she will ask to go off with her dad alone.
do you think he should ask her to wait till later. Often we will go off seperately and meet up later but sometimes i feel like im just being told to bugger off!

Gizlotsmum Mon 06-Nov-17 10:15:30

Could they do their alone time first then you all meet up later?

PinkHeart5914 Mon 06-Nov-17 10:20:04

She’s 8, she naturally wants to spend alone time with him. If she doesn’t see him often poor kid probably misses him

Maybe he could make an effort even once a month to just go out with her nobody else for the whole day?

They could have the day alone and you and your dd could meet them for dinner or something towards the end of the day?

NorthernSpirit Mon 06-Nov-17 10:21:52

Does she get much time alone with her dad? It’s important that she has time alone with him. It’s also important that you do spend some time together as a unit to bond.

I had this with one of my SC (was 10 at the time). She and dad would walk off together and leave me behind, she would have to hold his hand, sit next to him and I was left trailing behind and it made me feel left out.

I recognise it’s important that the kids spend time with their dad on their own (and I give them plenty of space) but even the younger SS was starting to feel left out.

She sounds like she’s feeling insecure. Speak to your partner about it. Does he realise it’s happening? Does he give her time and the reassurance she needs?

SeasickCrocodile Mon 06-Nov-17 10:22:28

I’d make the expectation clear from the start. It’s either an all together trip or one where you will split up for certain activities but I wouldn’t be splitting up randomly midstream.

malificent7 Mon 06-Nov-17 13:13:40

I am very encouraging of them being together 1:1. It just feels odd if we are at a theme park or domething and she announces she wants to go off with her dad alone. She does see him virtually every day.
I just think it is ok to say...lets wait untill later or something.
i admit shes insecure.

TorNayDoh Mon 06-Nov-17 13:15:42

If she's insecure, I'd just go with it. It might just be what she needs at the moment. Go with what the child needs, it's not hugely disruptive from the sound of it, just you feel a bit snubbed?

2014newme Mon 06-Nov-17 13:18:27

Bless her in a few years she won't be bothered about spending time with her dad! Make the most of these years. It's lovely she wants some 1 to 1 time without other people around. Don't be jealous of a child, it gives you a chance to spend 1 to 1 time with your dd!

MaggieS41 Tue 07-Nov-17 16:13:29

I would suggest quality 1:1 time for the 2 of them when you’re not out as a family. Maybe if he takes her out just the 2 of them - shopping, park, the cinema for example at least once a week - she may not feel the need to want to wander off with her dad when it’s all of you. If she continues to do so perhaps your DP should chat to her about it and suggest they do have their alone time and that you’re out with the family. But not in front of you as she may feel she’s being shamed. If she’s insecure then you both need to find ways to make her feel secure. Jointly and separately - I just don’t know how but starting with 1:1 time may be the way to go!

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual Tue 07-Nov-17 16:23:39

How often does she get 1-1 time as it is? If it’s genuinely regularly then yes, I do think it’s quite rude that she asks this on whole family days and you might have to agree a way to change this habit.

lunar1 Tue 07-Nov-17 16:33:45

How often is she with you?

Fekko Tue 07-Nov-17 16:37:40

Could she come along early and the 2 of them go out for a cafe breakfast or hit chocolate? A special 'them' thing?

Biglettuce Tue 07-Nov-17 23:35:47

Yes I don’t think they should be going off alone if you are all out together. If it was very occasionally fine, regularly is rude. It’s also bound to make your child feel a bit crap.

If she wants more one to one time you should each go to more separate days out. However she needs to then make an effort to talk to all of you on the days you spend all together.

RedBunny Wed 08-Nov-17 10:08:21

Yes I used to feel totally excluded when SS used to try and go off with DH every single time we went anywhere. It’s horrible and hurtful. We have children too who also don’t see DH much because he works so long so they would be missing out too. Now my daughter is in school I get very little time just me and her, which I think is, sometimes unfortunately, quite normal for a ‘nuclear’ family. So while yes sometimes 1:1 is good it is also not typical family behaviour to have it all the time and I think it very important for step children to feel like a ‘normal family’ and learn what that is like. Also I was a stepchild and while I didn’t want to do 1:1 with my stepdad I never had issue with my half brothers being there if I was with my mum. They were my family too.

Fekko Wed 08-Nov-17 13:06:16

I think all kids benefit from a bit of 1-2-1 parent time. But then I come from a crowd of kids and you never got a patents full attention!

NorthernSpirit Wed 08-Nov-17 13:13:19

Same here..... I don’t ever remember getting 1-2-1 time with my parents.

I can understand how this little girl wants time alone with her dad as she doesn’t live with him FT and must miss him.

But.... To want to go off with her dad all the time when you are together isn’t right. You’re a unit and you need time to bond. Plus kids need to learn that they have to accommodate others. Make sure she gets the time alone with dad, but it isn’t all the time or on demand.

pancakesunday Wed 08-Nov-17 13:18:02

I never got time alone with my Dad & I wished I had. His gf always got funny about it. She’s 8 years old. There’s no agenda other than she misses her Dad. I’d use that time to go and have a coffee & meet up after an hour or so smile

Branleuse Wed 08-Nov-17 13:29:06

She obviously needs this.
All my kids really benefit from having one to one time with either me or their dad regularly. A family day out is a poor substitute, especially if she doesnt get to see him often. Her need to spend time alone with her dad, is much more basic and important than your need to do a family day when she comes over. She comes to see her dad, not you and your dd. Step back a bit and its much more likely to have a good outcome

RedBunny Wed 08-Nov-17 15:03:49

I’m sure nobody means anything rude on here but I will say sometimes the whole “they come to see their dad not stepmum and half/ step siblings” can be really hurtful. My daughter in particular is terribly upset that my stepson has had that thought ingrained in his mind and now doesn’t think he has to be a family with the rest of us at all and can choose to only converse/ come for 1:1 time with his dad now. To be honest it’s really ruined things.

Somerville Wed 08-Nov-17 15:09:28

One on one time is really important, whatever the parental set-up. And the fact that she needs to ask means that she's not feeling like she gets enough of it. So her father can either continue going with the flow as and when she requests it, or set up more opportunities for them to do special things alone at more convenient times than in the middle of a theme park.

Alittlepotofrosie Wed 08-Nov-17 15:15:03

She should have plenty of one on one time with her dad but not on a specific family day out unless there's a reason, for eg a ride they both want to do but you and your daughter don't. You're a family as well as a father/daughter so they shouldn't just keep buggering off. I would make sure together with dh that for half a day every weekend each of you do something just with your own kids.

Adviceplease360 Wed 08-Nov-17 15:21:25

Leave them to it. She is 8, you don't need to be jealous of her. Spend time with your child alone. People saying its rude, get a grip! She's an 8 year old with parents who have split up, give her a break.

Alittlepotofrosie Wed 08-Nov-17 16:06:01

I dont think jealousy is the issue here. If they've all gone for a family day out then an 8yo isn't too young to understand that. The parents together should build in one on one time so she is secure that she always gets some time with her dad, and they should also all spend time together as a family unit. Wanting to spend a family day out as a family isn't being jealous. We don't know how long it was for. Half an hour to go on a ride the other people in the family don't want to go on? Absolutely fine in my book. 4 hours doing their own thing? Not so much. We also dont know whether this girl has quality one on one time with her dad and if thats facilitated by the whole family, which of course it should be.

Calling it jealousy minimises what i assume is the op's concerns about successfully blending the family. Letting an 8 year old call all the shots is not the way to go whether its a blended family or a nuclear one.

lunar1 Wed 08-Nov-17 17:04:08

It all depends on how much contact time with her dad his dd has. If it’s 50:50 care then a little time on a family day out would be enough. If she sees her dad EOW and he lives full time with the OP’s child then the day out could be each child with their own parent maybe meeting up for lunch as a group.

YellowMakesMeSmile Wed 08-Nov-17 18:24:38

Presumably your DD lives with you so gets your full attention plus her step father all week.

It sound like his DD just visits so I'm not surprised she's asking for 1:1 time with her dad. The odd blended family day out is fine but for contact she should have his undivided attention if it's just one day a week.

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