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DP’s Daughter

(32 Posts)
MemeGirls Sun 05-Nov-17 11:40:34

Been with my DP for 2 years, no DCs together but we have 2 each from previous relationships of similar ages.
We don’t live together yet (maybe in the future) but we live very close and his DCs come and go from my house as they please, always made to feel welcome and often pop in for drinks, snacks, to use the loo at mine etc. Eldest’s best friends live on my road so she’s always popping in and out.
Anyway the reason I’m posting is because I’m finding the eldest increasingly difficult to deal with. She’s almost 13 and I’m aware teenage hormones are kicking in and behaviour gets harder as she’s testing her boundaries etc but she seems to be allowed to speak and act however she wants. She can be so rude at times and very demanding and if she doesn’t get her own way she’ll physically lash out at her dad! She acts almost “alpha male” in her behaviour and can be so aggressive.
So herein lies the issue... recently she popped into mine to charge her phone and help herself to whatever snacks were in the cupboard, she has 2 friends in tow and she started shouting because we weren’t going to an event that night that lots of our friends and their kids were going to. I explained it’s because the tickets for us all would have totalled £180 for all of us and we just didn’t have it spare at the time the tickets were booked. She then got aggressive and started shouting about how I earn loads of money (I don’t by the way, I have a nice house but it was bought with inheritance money) and how I was selfish. All of this in front of these 2 girls I’ve allowed into my home and don’t know.
I asked her calmly to leave and after her friends walked out I pulled her to one side and basically said it was unacceptable to speak to me like that and I won’t tolerate it. She then proceeded to tell me to fuck off.
My DP called me from work about 5 minutes later saying she’d called him and told him I threw her out of the house, I explained what happened but he said I was in the wrong for pulling her up on it and I should have left it to him???
I told him in no uncertain terms that I am not putting up with it and he needs to talk to her.
He apologised for her behaviour but she hasn’t yet. That was 3 days ago.
Today I know she is with her friends close by and I really don’t feel like being accommodating to her. If the door is knocked I’m not going to answer it, no one will be home.
Am I in the wrong for putting my foot down about this? She’s allowed to behave so entitled and rude all the time but I don’t see why I should just have to put up with it

NorthernSpirit Sun 05-Nov-17 12:00:00

No way would I put up with that behaviour (espically being told to F off in my own home), I don’t care how old she is.

She sounds like a spoilt entitled brat who has no boundaries and lacks manners. You were right to pull her up on it. The father now needs to take charge and teach her manners and boundaries. She may have been showing off in front of her friends but her behaviour is inexcusable.

I wound stop her coming and going as she pleases and helping herself to things until she learns some respect.

RavingRoo Sun 05-Nov-17 12:03:18

If you don’t live with DP then don’t allow her into your home. If he kicks off then tell him you need to protect your own kids too.

Justbookedasummmerholiday Sun 05-Nov-17 12:04:56

I wouldn't be in a hurry to live with a dp who has no boundaries for his dc.

MemeGirls Sun 05-Nov-17 12:15:07

Thanks, it’s nice to know I’m not being out of order.
If I’m honest one of the reasons we don’t live together is because of his DC’s behaviour. Both of them are quite a handful.
My concern is that DP seems to think it’s no big deal and that I shouldn’t have told her off. If he doesn’t back me up on this then I might have re-evaluate the relationship. She’s the eldest of all 4 DCs and I don’t want the younger ones (especially mine) modelling this behaviour either.
She’s not a bad kid in general, she can be so lovely and has a very caring side to her. But there doesn’t seem to be any boundaries at all, and it’s not my place to enforce them. What I can do however is not allow it in my home

Starlight2345 Sun 05-Nov-17 12:15:23

I would absolutely not accept this from any child and yes , I do think sometimes they need help how to move forward but until such time no don’t let her in . I also would not want to live with someone who thought it was ok for his dc to speak to anyone that way

Justbookedasummmerholiday Sun 05-Nov-17 12:18:09

I hope you keep your door locked in future. No way would she be welcome without a hefty apology.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat Sun 05-Nov-17 12:28:32

2 years? And you don't even live together. And you've thrown her out of your house already. Hmmm. This isn't going to end well.

You're not her step-mother. You're just a woman her dad is seeing. If you get along most of the time that's great but you need to take a step back. It's not your place to discipline her. That's her dad's job. No wonder he's annoyed.

I get that she was being obnoxious about the tickets, but she's a 13 year old girl - that's what they do. You could have just told her to discuss it with her father but instead you escalated it to the point you kicked her out.

This was nothing compared to what's coming for a teenager from a broken home. Make your decision now about how you want this to go. Do you want to get on with her? Until you've been together for any reasonable period of time (at least 5 years) don't be acting like you're her mother. You are just her dad's friend. Neither of them will appreciate you overstepping that mark.

NorthernSpirit Sun 05-Nov-17 12:34:20

Your DP needs to recognise that this behaviour is a problem and that he needs to deal with it. How would he feel if she talked to a teacher like that or behaved that way in someone else’s home? Totally unacceptable behaviour that needs to be addressed now before it becomes a major issue.

Interesting that she got in touch with her dad first - sounds like she’s already learnt the art of manipulation. And sad that he didn’t address it. Is he a ‘Disney Dad’ who doesn’t pull her up on her behaviour. All children need boundaries and she sounds like she doesn’t have them.

You can’t control how she behaves or how your OH behaves, but you can set boundaries for how you wish to be treated. If they can’t respect you then I wouldn’t put up with that.

MemeGirls Sun 05-Nov-17 12:37:32

I’m not acting like her mother. If anyone spoke to me like that I would ask them to leave. I don’t buy into the broken home excuse for bad behaviour either, my children also have a “broken home” but wouldn’t dream of talking to an adult like that. I don’t think I was overstepping the mark at all by expecting to be spoken to respectfully, she was a guest in my home and as you’ve said “I’m only dad’s friend” in your opinion and I don’t have to allow her to speak to me like that when I’m being kind and hospitable

MemeGirls Sun 05-Nov-17 12:41:08

Northernspirit Yes he can be a bit guilty of Disney parenting. It seems like everyone, even her mother is almost afraid of upsetting her. They all walk on eggshells around her in case she blows up.
I’m not her parent and I don’t have to tolerate it. I don’t think it’s asking too much to expect her to not use bad language and be abusive towards me

NorthernSpirit Sun 05-Nov-17 12:41:54

And you have every right to discipline a child who speaks to you like that (don’t agree at all with the poster who says you shouldn’t). Kids need to learn manners and respect. I would pull any child up who spoke to me like that.

You are not ‘just a woman their dad is seeing’, you are their dads girlfriend and you have been kind enough to open your home to them (which is being abused). If the dad isn’t there you have every right to pull them up on bad behaviour.

MemeGirls Sun 05-Nov-17 12:50:49

I wouldn’t even regard what I did as disciplining, I just calmly said it wasn’t ok to talk to me like that and I didn’t appreciate it. No raised voice or anything, just a calm “that’s not on” type of thing

Ohdearducks Sun 05-Nov-17 12:51:18

Anyone who thinks you’re in the wrong here must be out of their fucking tree!
You absolutely did the right thing, I’d seriously consider ending this relationship because her parents are never going to discipline her and it will only get worse from her on in. This is not normal 13 year old behaviour, my DS is 13 and would be shocked at this.

babyturtles Sun 05-Nov-17 12:52:49

Wow

I'd tell DP where he can fuck off if he thinks his DD should be allowed to talk to you like that.

Guess that's where she gets her attitude from.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat Sun 05-Nov-17 12:53:53

In the nicest way possible, your kids aren't teenagers yet. 😂

I agree she shouldn't swear at you etc, I just think that as the adult in the situation you shouldn't have let it get to that point. A simple, "ask your dad about that" would have been enough. Then say you're busy and send them on their way. Nicely. Problem solved.

Cantgetagoodusername Sun 05-Nov-17 12:58:55

The OP has referred to herself as a 'step mother' though has she? & from what I can see on the post isn't 'acting like her mother' hmm

Absolutely no way should you tolerate this. It's rude & disrespectful & I too would pull up any child that spoke to me like that.

Moussemoose Sun 05-Nov-17 13:01:55

Iwasjustabouttosaythat

You're not her step-mother. You're just a woman her dad is seeing

Really! In which case her behaviour is even worse. She is telling someone she doesn't know well to "fuck off" - sometimes - we say things in anger to people we care about, but if the OP is just "a woman" then this child walked into her house, was rude and aggressive and told her to "fuck off". Outrageous.

No not all teenagers behave like this. They just don't. To imply all teenagers behave this way reflects upon you and your behaviour. I have teenage children, I work with teenagers and they do not all behave like this.

The teenagers who do behave like this need help and support because often they are being poorly parented.

I wouldn't hide I would open the door and tell her she can return when she can behave.

RandomMess Sun 05-Nov-17 13:04:05

I would answer the door to her and use it as an opportunity to chat with her. Clearly stating that he behaviour in your home last time was unacceptable and will not be tolerated and you are still waiting for her apology.

I’m not sure she’ll have the guts to rock up without Disney Dad to “protect” her!

MemeGirls Sun 05-Nov-17 13:14:39

I shouldn’t have let it get to that point? What point? Us having a perfectly normal conversation until she turned aggressive? She asked me a question and I answered it, I would have liked to go to the event too but it was too expensive. That’s all I said 🤷🏼‍♀️ I didn’t escalate anything, she did. She flips very quickly when she’s not getting what she wants.
Then I asked her to leave, in fact I think my words were “I think you girls should be on your way now”.

Atenco Sun 05-Nov-17 13:30:30

It's not your place to discipline her

Whao!

My dd was very difficult at that age but I always tried to put boundaries in place with my dd precisely because I did not want other people to have to say anything to her. If you don't think other people should say anything to your child, teach how to behave! Reality is that nobody will put up with this behaviour (other than her doting parents). and the sooner she learns that, the better.

TotallyWingingIt Sun 05-Nov-17 13:39:36

OP I think you are in the right here and her dad needs to be addressing the issue and she should 100% apologise. I’d not be allowing her to come and go as she pleases any more if she can’t show basic respect.
Anyone that thinks being a teenager is an excuse to act vile and tell someone to fuck off in their own home really needs a reality check! My teens aren’t perfect but my god they wouldn’t dream of saying anything like that to me or anyone else for that matter!

PastysPrincess Sun 05-Nov-17 13:40:54

I don’t think you were out of order as you were in your own home and her father wasn’t there. The issue as I see it, is that even if you were to refer all cases of discipline back to him, he wouldn’t give the necessary discipline anyway. I can’t see how you can move forward in the relationship if you aren’t both getting the necessary respect.

PastysPrincess Sun 05-Nov-17 13:42:21

Oh, and I wouldn’t have even dreamt of using the F word when I was 13 as I had been taught from the get go that wasn’t acceptable.

swingofthings Sun 05-Nov-17 14:13:28

OMG, of course you did the right thing. Teenagers are teenagers, they behave in ways that they will look back and feel very ashamed of, but how dare your OH tell you that you shouldn't have kicked out of your house (yours, not his or hers) after telling you to FO.

You acted perfectly appropriately and you should make it clear that she is not welcome back until she apologises. Again, it is not HER house, so not like she is kept away from home.

You sound lovely by the way!

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