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Struggling with DSD2 today

(6 Posts)
littlechous Fri 03-Nov-17 14:21:25

Background is DH was with ex for 10 years... lived in the UK and had two girls but ex left and moved overseas (to her native country) just before DSD2 was born. They are now 11 and 6. Sadly we don’t see them EOW, due to how far they live but we have them every school holiday for a minimum of 2 weeks.

DH’s work means he can’t book time off - very restricted so I do a lot of looking after them during the day and occasionally overnight. DSDs don’t speak English (eldest does a little from her earlier years) and I have lessons in their language to be able to communicate, but it’s tricky as you can imagine!

Anyhoo, DSD2 has always been a little... spirited and physical, she hits out at any and everyone - including the family dog. So today DH left for his work. He won’t be back til tomo morning (this is the only overnight he had in the two weeks).
To say she’s been naughty is putting it mildly. And it came to a head when DsD1 came downstairs crying with a huge bump on her head inflicted by DsD1.

I’m just at a loss with how to sort it. I feel so useless as I just don’t have the words/vocab. I don’t know what I wanted to gain from this post, just wanted to vent really. DH has FaceTimed to tell off DSd2 so now they’re both upset, ahhhhhh help?

swingofthings Fri 03-Nov-17 19:24:12

Maybe she's naughty because she doesn't even get to spend time with the one person she is supposed to build a relationship with? I can't understand how your OH can't take time off. Or do you mean not ALL the holidays, but he does take every holiday he is entitled to when his DDs come to see him? Otherwise, I'm speechless.

Either way, your OH needs to speak to her about her behaviour and her mother. Does he speak her language? How frightening it must be for that child to be with someone who is almost a stranger to her who doesn't even speak her language. Hard on you and unfairly so.

Bringmewineandcake Fri 03-Nov-17 19:26:56

Awful for both of you! flowers
She’s never lived with her dad or in the country you’re in, and she’s still very young.
Would it be an option for just the older child to come for a while, or is that a terrible idea?

Notreallyarsed Fri 03-Nov-17 19:28:35

How does your husband or his ex expect you to care for two kids when you don’t even speak the same language? That’s utterly ridiculous and very unfair on you and the girls.

littlechous Fri 03-Nov-17 21:46:10

Re DH’s holidays. It’s very restricted, similar to a teacher - he simply can’t request days off.
He does get every Sunday and most Wednesdays off and finishes work around 1pm other days so does get to spend a lot of the day with them.

DSD2 does love coming over and both the girls adore their dad it’s just a shame the situation is how it is. Often DH’s sister or brother will also come over as they all speak the language. It’s just me who doesn’t, but I’m getting better! Both DSDs chatter away to me and don’t mind helping me with learning the language, in fact DSD1 takes on a teacherly role with me helping with pronunciation etc, it’s v sweet.

I was feeling sorry for myself this morning, I just felt useless as I literally can’t get the words out to tell her off when needed. Not that I even want to be the step mum who does that but DSD1 needs someone to fight her corner with the lil Tasmanian deville that is DsD2. When she’s not whirling around wreaking havoc she is genuinely one of the sweetest girls I know grin
I spent a little longer in the shower having a small tear then sorted myself out and got on with it.

However sorry I was feeling for myself I know it’s not about me. We do our best so that the girls can form as good a relationship with DH as possible, but the circumstances are hard.

swingofthings Sat 04-Nov-17 07:23:12

It’s very restricted, similar to a teacher - he simply can’t request days off.
So does he go to visit them in their country when he does have time off?Does he never have days off when they are over here? It seems very unfair that they get to see more of you than him. It's very different giving children you don't see much your full attention when you in between working hours than when you are on holidays.

It is hard indeed when the children live abroad and the mother certainly has a huge responsibility for having made the decision to move back to her country after birth, although if your OH speaks the language, does it mean that they met/lived there before coming to the UK?

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