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(52 Posts)
TwoDots Mon 30-Oct-17 15:33:12

Every other Sunday DP picks up DSD at 5pm. That’s not the only time he sees her btw, just the arrangement for pick up. They share 50/50

Lately the ex doesn’t always want him to pick up from her house. She wants pick up to be wherever she is that day, usually at the ex’s friends house or at the pub. She never asks “would it be ok if you picked up from....”, it’s usually more of a tell. For example yday it was a text saying please pick up from.....

Now DP is flexible. He would understand if it’s a special occasion or something was happening with family, or DSD was at a party etc but this usually surrounds ex’s Social life

DP is trying to get into a routine of having a catch up on these Sundays face to face to discuss various bits about DSD. Also he did agree to it once and it upset DSD who was playing outside and did t want to leave. He just doesnt think picking up from the pub or ex’s friends houses is right on a regular basis. He’s also fed up of the Saturday night or Sunday texts saying pick up from x,y,z instead. He’d prefer pick ups are consistent but ex is throwing a fit saying he’s unreasonable and it’s not in their dd best interests

What do you think? Are we being a bit too rigid?

ohreallyohreallyoh Mon 30-Oct-17 15:48:58

Probably too rigid. Why does it have to be the Sunday that issues are discussed? Does she want to discuss? Are friend's houses/pub particularly out of the way?

Santawontbelong Mon 30-Oct-17 15:51:12

Flexibility yes.
Exes taxi service no.

niceupthedance Mon 30-Oct-17 15:52:30

No it should be from same drop off/pick up point or she could drop round after her social event.

NoCryLilSoftSoft Mon 30-Oct-17 15:54:11

Well Sundays are generally days where people go out with their children to see friends or family or go out for a Sunday dinner. Does he want her to cut short her and very probably the rest of the family/friends plans so she can be back home for 5pm? Are the places she is asking him to collect from much further than her house? Couldn’t he use text or email to catch up on everything he needs to know about DD? It sounds like he is tying to engineer it so his ex has to be available to him on Sunday evenings.

TwoDots Mon 30-Oct-17 16:26:28

God no not at all

Th Sunday evening thing was HER idea so she got more time with dd

Sundays are the only day they will ever see each other to discuss things. They do text etc too. He’s just trying to put a bit more structure in place due to past experiences

I’ve said if it were a family get together etc then different, but it’s never a family outing. And it should be the exception not the rule I would have thought? Why do people think that picking up from various pubs at last minute notice every other week ya best for the child?

It’s always going to be 5pm. They’ve decided that between them so they both get a mix of School involvement and weekend time. But picking up is better consistent surely? It does feel like a taxi service as one poster said

TwoDots Mon 30-Oct-17 16:37:53

For those who say it’s too rigid, whet would you say the balance is? Surely every pick up can’t be dictated to what pub she is in? How do you make it less rigid but with some structure in place?

lifeandtheuniverse Mon 30-Oct-17 16:49:09

It is fairly rigid - 5 pm.

Change in location within the town - is no skin of anyones nose

lunar1 Mon 30-Oct-17 16:57:06

Why does it matter where they are as long as it’s not far from home.

A life of rigid contact arrangements is just miserable. Everything the children do is dictated by having to be sat at home waiting to be collected.

TwoDots Mon 30-Oct-17 17:02:44

It’s interesting to hear these perspectives

One question though. If it were the other way around and the Mum was picking up and each pick up the Dad asks for child to be picked up and dropped off from the pub, would the general consensus be the same? Sorry not asked, he tells the Mum

PerfectPenquins Mon 30-Oct-17 17:29:07

Yes of course it would be the same. The time is always 5pm it realy dosnt matter if he picks her up from the pub. It seems like your trying to make a thing of it being a pub tbh Why try and find things to argue over?

swingofthings Mon 30-Oct-17 17:29:32

As long as it doesn't involve more travel distant, then it is unreasonable to expect her to go home and cut short her time with her friends/activities when it really doesn't inconvenience her. If he needs to talk to her face to face, he can mention it before, and maybe agree to go a bit early and they can talk in the car, but I would think most could be discussed on the phone?

How often are we talking? Every Sunday or 2 out 3, 1 out of 2?

NoCryLilSoftSoft Mon 30-Oct-17 17:46:31

Why do people think that picking up from various pubs at last minute notice every other week ya best for the child?

I thought the texts were coming through on Saturday nights and Sundays? Why would it matter to the child when Dad got the message? In all likelihood the child is well aware of where they will be and has no idea when Dad is informed.

TBH I really can’t see why he needs to talk with her face to face. They have text and email communication, why does he need a face to face debrief? Again, it feel awful like he is insisting on this to have some sort of claim over her time at handover.

NoCryLilSoftSoft Mon 30-Oct-17 17:47:34

Ignore the “Awful”. I don’t know why that’s there confused

NorthernSpirit Mon 30-Oct-17 18:44:29

My OH has a similar challenge.

EW refuses to any pick ups and drop offs (hasn’t done one in almost 5 years). We live 18 miles apart.

My OH constantly gets last minute texts (there’s never any pleasentries on the EW’s part). Usually it’s a one liner ‘telling’ my OH to drop off here or there (never a please or thank you).

My OH grins and bears it. I don’t always agree with this approach but there’s bigger battles. She stops contact when she feels like it out of spite so my OH doesn’t want to rock the boat.

They have a contact order in place and unfortunately it doesn’t state who should do the pick ups / drop offs

I think there should be some level of flexibility, not one person controlling or telling.

TwoDots Mon 30-Oct-17 18:49:58

Ok, the main issue isn’t the chatting face to face. He’s not trying to make a claim over her, quite the opposite actually. I put that in to demonstrate he’s trying to communicate with her. It may only be 5 mins about how the last few days have gone. Normal hand over stuff.on other threads this has been commended by posters.

Anyway, the main issue is being told to pick up here there and anywhere every single time

I agree that every now and again it isn’t a problem but at every pick up? Her telling him to pick up from the pub every time he picks up is reasonable you think? I get your point completely if it were occasional, but it’s not occasional at all

TwoDots Mon 30-Oct-17 18:52:30

He’s not trying to arrange chats, just the opportunity to do a decent handover . It’s her controlling behaviour all other times he’s trying to work around.

NoCryLilSoftSoft Mon 30-Oct-17 18:52:56

Is his issue the extra distance? What is the extra?

ohreallyohreallyoh Mon 30-Oct-17 18:56:41

What is the objection? That pick up is from a pub? Or that somehow picking up from the pub represents some kind of instability for the child?

Is mum drink by 5pm every Sunday? Or has she had lunch out and is sat round having a natter whilst nursing a glass of wine?

TwoDots Mon 30-Oct-17 19:00:37

Ok, so the general consensus is that him picking up from the pub every pick up is the way forward? There’s no compromise, middle ground? He’s just rigid and should do what he’s told every single time. Cool, will discuss with DP. Thank you

NorthernSpirit Mon 30-Oct-17 19:05:38

I completely see where you are coming from OP.

Occasional change and flexibility fine, the EW controlling and dictating not fine.

My OH has pushed back on some occasions (similar situation, EW ‘telling’ my OH to drop off at 4pm on a Sunday at a pub). Not that she would ever go out of her way to facilitate contact. Not once in almost 5 years has she done a drop off or pick up. There has been a few occasssions that my OH has responded to the EW that drop off will be at home and if she isn’t there she can text when she is and my OH will keep the kids until then.

It’s a control thing on the EW’s part. Don’t let her dictate.

NoCryLilSoftSoft Mon 30-Oct-17 19:05:41

But what is his actual objection to doing that? If it’s the distance then that’s fair enough. But if it’s the same distance then I really cant see what his issue is. He has to go and collect her either way so what does it matter where it’s from if it’s the same distance?

ohreallyohreallyoh Mon 30-Oct-17 19:08:27

what middle ground do you suggest? What if she would prefer to discuss child issues at a different time? Or not at all? How are you going to force the Sunday discussion? Should she not be able to go out on a Sunday afternoon? Should she have to cut short her Sunday outings?

Assuming the pubs are not particularly out of the way I wouldn't personally rock the boat. Does it matter? Is it worth picking a fight over? What will it change? If your DP gets what he wants, what will be the long term cost? Is it likely that in 6 months time, the current trend of Sunday afternoon pubs will have fizzled out?,

TwoDots Mon 30-Oct-17 19:08:59

Ohreally I will try and explain but I’m sure his reasons will be jumped on

She often forgets to bring school shoes etc needed for the next day. Occasionally she gives notice about change of pick up location but it’s often last minute as she’s had a pub lunch and a few drinks

Being intoxicated regularly means he doesn’t get a lot of sense out of her. At the same time ex doesn’t like having a text relationship so he feels he can’t win. If they speak in the phone it often ends in a row as she gets angry that he’s not always available when she wants him to be. I promise you she’s very controlling.

Fair enough if given prior notice but often when she does it chops and changes throughout the day. It gets frustrating honestly. One minute it’s one place, the next another. She isn’t often all that considerate and honestly he’s fed up of her demanding where and when he will pick up. I admit I’m getting tired of it too. We could be out and about and she’s changing her mind left right and centre

All he’s asking for is consideration and consistency for everyone involved

ohreallyohreallyoh Mon 30-Oct-17 19:11:44

It’s a control thing on the EW’s part. Don’t let her dictate

How is demanding that the ex is at home every Sunday at 5pm to discuss child related issues anything other than control and dictating how someone should live their life?

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