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Help with Facebook photos

(22 Posts)
LagerthaOwnsYou Mon 30-Oct-17 09:53:23

Ex and I always agreed that we wanted to keep DC's internet presence to a minimum until they were old enough to decide for themselves. Sometimes I put photos on Facebook but they were always private and only visible to family and close friends. I have work colleagues as Facebook friends, but they can't see photos of DC.

Ex's gf has put photos of DC on her Facebook page. They are open to the public. A friend saw them and alerted me.

Don't want to drip feed so will also say that DC look unhappy and stressed in the photos. I knew they didn't enjoy staying overnight with ex and gf, but these photos Made me realise how unhappy they are. That is another problem we have to deal with.

I don't want ex and gf to think I have been spying on them. Ex is paranoid about me knowing anything about their life and has told DC not to tell me anything at all. I am not interested in him or gf, I don't even want to contact him to ask gf to take them down because he will think I have been spying. I don't want to antagonise ex or gf. I just don't want DC to have their photos online and public. Is there anything I can do or will I have to suck it up?

WhiteCat1704 Mon 30-Oct-17 10:04:12

You could get facebook to take the photos down (there is a form you fill and send it to them) but if your ex has parental responsibility and gives his consent it might be an issue.

In general it's illigal to post photos of minors under 13 without parental consent.

Personally I would be absolutely livid if in your situation. Who does his girlfriend think she is? Posting photos of your children without asking is not only inconsiderate but might the DC at risk.
It's your perogative to protect your DC from social media. I would have a strong word with the ex.

LagerthaOwnsYou Mon 30-Oct-17 10:27:09

I don't think gf is being malicious. Just thoughtless. She doesn't seem to get where boundaries are. I think ex is trying to make out that there are no boundaries for her and asking him to sort it out will make all sorts of problems. He's convinced I am spying on him and has been trying to get his gf given parental responsibility so she can be a proper mum (his words) to them. For background, gf has spent less days wit them in the past three years than their teacher has this term.

All public photos are of DC, ex and gf, posing like a family. I have photos like that of DC, me and dp, but I would never post them on Facebook.

LagerthaOwnsYou Mon 30-Oct-17 10:28:10

Sorry about drip feed. I didn't think his strange behaviour was relevant, but might explain why she thinks it ok to post photos.

swingofthings Mon 30-Oct-17 11:23:40

I don't think there is anything wrong with you pointing out that someone noticed the photos and maybe you could say that you are ok for them to be posted so they are accessible to friends/family only (so no double standard) but not public? Seems a reasonable request and one that involves compromising. What caption came with the picture? It's odd to post a picture of kids looking miserable.

LagerthaOwnsYou Mon 30-Oct-17 11:34:32

It was Love Spending Time With My Fam on one. Others were in a group called My Girlies.

Friend has pointed out that one of them is a photo taken last year (can tell by DC’s hair) but only posted a week ago. Ex hasn’t seen them for over three months (his choice). No idea what’s going on here. confused

MontytheSpookyMouse Mon 30-Oct-17 11:42:23

'Ex hasn’t seen them for over three months (his choice). No idea what’s going on here. confused'

If it's anything like the person I know then it will be to try and maintain an image of what an awesome parent they are so people don't think wow he's not seen his kids in two months he's shit.

Is your friends friends with them on FB or did she search. I. E if she's friends can you not ask her to post saying 'do you know your settings are public'

Dc stopped posting pictures on FB for this reason as ex would copy them as his own which they didn't mind but then he shared them with public settings.

LagerthaOwnsYou Mon 30-Oct-17 11:46:07

I think you might be right, MontytheSpookyMouse.

Friend and gf have mutual friends so gf comes up as someone you might know. Friend was bored and clicked on her profile. Friend checked ex’s profile too, but no public photos of dc.

LagerthaOwnsYou Mon 30-Oct-17 11:54:32

Thinking of sending this message to ex. I don’t want to drop friend in it. She works in a similar field to gf.

Hi. Someone told me that gf has posted photos of dc on Facebook. Can you please ask her to take them down. TY Lagertha

ohreallyohreallyoh Mon 30-Oct-17 12:37:28

I think if your photos are private/for friends only then you can't really expect him/her/them to take them down entirely. If you demand they are taken down, I think you risk confrontation and bad feeling and a digging on of the heels.

LagerthaOwnsYou Mon 30-Oct-17 13:33:38

I think it's different. My photos are only for family, including ex's family, and close friends who are involved in DC's lives. Like I said even colleagues I have worked with for seven years haven't seen photos of DC on Facebook. All my photos were put up on Facebook when I was with ex, apart from two from August this year which only my dm and dsis can see.

Gf posting photos which anyone can see is not the same as what I am doing.

I haven't sent the message yet. I don't want confrontation or bad feeling.

NorthernSpirit Mon 30-Oct-17 14:23:26

Unfortunately you can’t control what the dad or GF does / posts in their time.

I would leave it. It looks like you have been spying and are trying to control. You have no say, just like they have no say in your actions.

You can’t control others so let it go.

MontytheSpookyMouse Mon 30-Oct-17 15:15:34

I wouldn't ask them to take the photos down and I don't think legally you would get anywhere with that but I might ask if they can change security settings to friends only.

WhiteCat1704 Mon 30-Oct-17 15:33:20

m.facebook.com/help/103911089698763?helpref=uf_permalink

You CAN ask facebook to take them down.

You won't be able to do much once she hides her profile..

WhiteCat1704 Mon 30-Oct-17 15:36:22

Has the girlfriend asked you DC if its ok to put them on facebook??? It is a violation of privacy is she didn't..which is why she should be asking you in the first place.

NorthernSpirit Mon 30-Oct-17 18:55:19

WhiteCat - no violation of privacy at all (if the father agrees).

I occasionally post pics of my stepchildren on social media (I check with my OH first if it’s ok). I certainly don’t ask the mothers ‘permission’.

WhiteCat1704 Mon 30-Oct-17 19:24:37

Do you ask your stepchildren?

WhiteCat1704 Mon 30-Oct-17 19:27:16

And if the mother was against it would you still be doing it? Cause really you shouldn't. Not your children not your decision. And yes DF has a say but really for a normal co-parenting relationship both parents should be ok with it.

NorthernSpirit Mon 30-Oct-17 19:34:33

WhiteCat - I ask their father. The mother has no desire to co-parent (her choice). Everything is a battle with her. If she wasn’t happy (but the father was ok with it) then tough. Their father doesn’t try to control what she her boyfriend post.

When the children are with us we are a family unit and therefore if the father is happy then that’s fine by me.

No I don’t ask the mothers ‘permission’ what we do on our time as a family has got nothing to do with her (and vice versa).

WhiteCat1704 Mon 30-Oct-17 19:40:32

Well with this kind of attitude it's obvious why they don't/can't co-parent.

People have different views on social media, some feel very strongly about it. I would never post a photo of ANYBODY without asking them first, let alone photos of children when a parent is against it.

NorthernSpirit Mon 30-Oct-17 19:49:44

WhiteCat - this is my ‘attitude’ as you call it. I don’t ask the mothers permission, she doesn’t control me, the mother can’t control everything. Just like the father can’t control what the mother does.

Is it the mothers role to set these type of boundaries so we need to get her ‘approval’? In my opinion, no it’s not.

HouseworkIsAPain Mon 30-Oct-17 19:50:44

I wouldn’t write to him and ask him to remove them. You could say that someone has told you they are public, would he mind changing settings so public can’t see them.

He will think you’ve been spying no matter what you say, so you have to decide if it’s worth the aggro or not.

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