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Was I in the wrong?

(84 Posts)
Cantgetagoodusername Mon 30-Oct-17 08:43:53

Hoping to gain a bit of perspective from others.

DH & I have a DC each & a DC together. I have an amicable relationship with my exdp & have 50/50 shared care of our DD. My DH has an awfu relationship with his ex & at best sees his DD EOW (cancelled by mum frequently due to illness/brownies etc).

He has admitted that he resents me 'as I see my DD more than he sees his' & I believe he feels guilty that in turn he sees my DD more than his own. I have tried to explain that all circumstances are different, but it's almost like he punishes me because of it.

My mum & dad mentioned that they would like a canvas picture of us (me, DH & my 2 DC's- their grandchildren) my DH went mental, he said 'I've got a daughter too & your DD is not even my daughter why should I be in a picture with her & not my own DD confused

He was so angry & awful that we've not spoken all weekend hmm

My parents always give his DD money/presents for Christmas & birthday & on their & my part there was no deliberate act to leave his DD out.

They just wanted a picture of their grandchildren with their mum & dad.

Is this unreasonable?

afromom Mon 30-Oct-17 08:58:33

I do actually think it is unreasonable of both you and your parents. You are a family of 5 not 4. Your DPs daughter should not come as an afterthought, she should have been included in the 'family' canvas. I would be really cross at my parents if they requested a photo of just me, DP and DS, leaving out DSD. When you come together as a family (which I presume you have as you have a child together too) all children should have equal importance.

Inkandbone Mon 30-Oct-17 09:01:09

Agree with afromom although the way he expressed it sounds unreasonable.

CosmicPineapple Mon 30-Oct-17 09:03:47

I think if you are a blended family then all of the family are included.

Can they not have a few done?

All together.
Just the children.
Just DP and dd.
Just you and your DC.

That way nobody is being left out and you parents can have the photo they want plys extra ones.

Bostonbullsmumma Mon 30-Oct-17 09:04:56

I agree with pp regardless of how much you see his daughter she is still part of the family and should be included. It sounds like he would have her a lot more if he could.

They wanted a picture of their DGC with 'their mum & dad' but that wouldn't be the 4 of you would it? Imagine how you would feel if his family excluded your DD from a photo?

sijjy Mon 30-Oct-17 09:16:54

We are a blended family. Me and my dh have 2 sons and I also have my dd. We all live together and have for a long time since my dd was very small.
I have been in a similar situation in that when my dhs sister comes over to England. She will say to my 2 sons and her 2 children when sat playing together. Let’s take a picture while your all together and my dd who is a bit older is in the same room but hasn’t been asked to go sit with the others for the pic. It’s absolutely heart breaking. I always say go on dd get in the pic. My husbands sister doesn’t do this purposely and does treat my dd as her niece. Sometimes people just don’t think what they’re saying.
We are a family of 5. And if anyone asked for pictures of just 4 of us they would be told where to go. And not very politely either.

Mustang27 Mon 30-Oct-17 09:38:35

Yep unreasonable you are either all family or you are not.

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 Mon 30-Oct-17 09:43:59

Your parents are BU, as are you. You're a family of 5; you can't just leave one child out of the pictures.

That is cruel.

Fragglewump Mon 30-Oct-17 09:45:26

We are a blended family and my Dhs extended family have been much better at accepting my bio dcs than my family have been at accepting his bio dcs. His dad and sister for example always send all 4 children cards and money for birthdays whereas my mum normally forgets most birthdays but generally makes some effort for my dcs but never for his. It pisses me off and I pointedly remind her but she won’t change and she has too many other issues for me to put effort into sorting that one out. The photo thing is mean though. We are all a family regardless of genes and would always treat our children the same.

Toffeelatteplease Mon 30-Oct-17 09:46:14

Yes you are being totally unreasonable here and if I were your DH I would be furious.

Cosmic pineapples approach at least tries to cover up that you and your family wanted your DHs child left out of the photo but frankly as soon as your DPs only put up the photo without her in it she'll figure it out and you will never fix the hurt.

Either you are a family or you aren't. If you are then be a family, no one would ever leave a child out of a family photo. If you aren't I feel very sorry for your DH's daughter and don't blame the mum for finding excuses for cutting down time with you.

Toffeelatteplease Mon 30-Oct-17 09:47:02

And actually family photos often mean more than presents. A lot more

swingofthings Mon 30-Oct-17 09:56:30

They just wanted a picture of their grandchildren with their mum & dad.
But that's not correct though as they also want your other child in it. I think their request is very inconsiderate and frankly, it's you who should have told your parents that this wasn't acceptable and your OH is probably cross that you didn't do so.

Your parents need to accept that your family and therefore theirs include everyone, not who suits them. If they want a picture with only their two grand children, then they shouldn't expect your OH to be part of it.

FeedMeAndTellMeImPretty Mon 30-Oct-17 09:57:06

I can see why he’s upset.

My DP’s dad loves a family photo so when we’re all together he’ll call everyone into the room, saying “let’s get everyone in together” while making sure my DCs aren’t in the shot and then say “FeedMe can you take a photo of us all”. It’s galling for me and while I can understand that he wants a pic of his blood family, it feels very rude to be excluded and for my DCs to be pointedly left out.

Similarly I can understand his feeling that we’re not his family, any more than he is mine.

I imagine for the wives of his DSs it would be even more annoying to have their DCs included but not them. However they are not there on these occasions, as they have fallen out with him so it’s just his DSs and GDCs. I wonder if this is part of the reason?

Leaving any child out is hurtful - as your DH is considered part of your family by your parents then of course his DD should be included. I wouldn’t have a ‘family’ photo with my DP and his kids but not mine.

FeedMeAndTellMeImPretty Mon 30-Oct-17 09:59:09

Turn it around - can you imagine going for a photo shoot with DH, his DD and your shared DC but not your other one?

grannytomine Mon 30-Oct-17 10:08:48

Turn it around - can you imagine going for a photo shoot with DH, his DD and your shared DC but not your other one? That sums it up perfectly.

WhiteCat1704 Mon 30-Oct-17 10:11:33

Give your parents photos of their grandchildren without you or DH.

Santawontbelong Mon 30-Oct-17 10:13:40

Beware his resentment doesn't end you relationship.
My exh used to tie himself up in knots over me seeing my dc and him in similar situation to yours. In the end he lied about his wages for a year, blamed us being skint on me spending all our cash on my fucking dc (his words).
Filed for divorce the next day.

Magda72 Mon 30-Oct-17 10:26:15

Hi OP - I think that was pretty insensitive of your parents tbh. Like others have said a selection of photos of different groupings inc. EVERYONE all together would be the way to go.
Imagine how his dd would feel knowing everyone was included bar her?
That being said - in a general way your OH will have to get his head around the fact that he doesn't see his dd as often as his other kids or it will drive a wedge between you.

OliviaPopeRules Mon 30-Oct-17 10:35:43

I’m going to go against the grain here and say yanbu.
It would be different if you were planning a holiday without her or something that she would even know about but I don’t see how a picture she will most likely never see could upset her. It’s not always practical to have the whole family in photos.
Also your DH sounds like a dick, his issues with seeing his dd are not your fault as e shouldn’t be punishing you because you can see your DD more.

swingofthings Mon 30-Oct-17 11:16:01

It's not about the child being upset, it's about her father being so. It's him who doesn't want it and rightly so. Also a canvas picture usually implies that it will on a wall, so DD is bound to see it at some point anyway unless she is also bound from their house.

Also, it's understandable that he feels resentful that he sees more of his SC than his own children, but I do agree that he shouldn't take it on OP who can't do anything about it. However, I don't think the two issues are linked.

Allthebestnamesareused Mon 30-Oct-17 11:23:01

I too live in a His, Mine and Ours situation.

My parents include their step grandchild as their grandchild (same amount on presents, send DSS grandson birthday cards etc) so them a family picture would include me, Dh and all 3 kids.

However my In laws do not treat my son as their grandchild and indeed treat my DH's son from his first marriage better than they treat our son (so their grandchild still). It is hurtful to me but I have to accept it that this is how they are and I can't make them treat him the same.

Fortunately for me DH does treat them the same as do my parents.

I can entirely see where DH is coming from having been there myself. We are now 20 years down the line so it took a while to accept this was how it was going to be!

GreatThingsWork Mon 30-Oct-17 12:01:19

I have DD from first marriage and DD from second. I'd be devastated if DH 's family differentiated between the 2 of them. Luckily they don't.

Cantgetagoodusername Mon 30-Oct-17 12:05:36

Just to clarify it is not a photoshoot, it's just a picture taken in their front room. DSD has only met my parents a few times, they live 70 miles away, cannot drive & work irregular hours.

This picture would not be in our house, it's a picture for my parents that would stay at their house, which DSD does not go to, not because she is not welcome but because of the logistics.

& my DH's parents don't buy my DD presents for either Christmas/birthday which my parents do for DSD.

DH is resentful that he sees my DD more than his own, but he was aware of that situation when we set up home, it wasn't some sort of surprise for him.

lunar1 Mon 30-Oct-17 12:19:47

You and your parents have a horrible attitude to his dd. I’m not sure how you could bring yourself to suggest this to your dh.

stitchglitched Mon 30-Oct-17 12:26:57

I can't understand what your parents were thinking requesting that your DH poses for a family picture that excludes one of his children. It was always going to be hurtful for him given the circumstances. He shouldn't be taking his frustrations at his lack of contact out on your DD though, hopefully he doesn't treat her unkindly.

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