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Step children

(20 Posts)
Unicorn32 Sun 29-Oct-17 21:20:49

Stressed to the max.
Feel completely taken advantage of by my partner.
I have a 14 yr old boy, my partner has a 12 year old girl and and a 14 year old girl from previous and we have a 2 year old boy together. We have been together 8 years so the youngest daughter has never known any different. I have bought them up since a very young age.
The relationship between us and their mother has always been strained.

Their mother works all the time, not necessarily a bad thing but she goes at 6am and isn't home until 7pm. The girls are always 'dumped' with someone or left alone. I feel like they all, including my partner, take advantage of me.
I do literally everything, by default. Christmases, birthdays, day to day running around. Their mother has never so much as seen them ride a bike. I take them to their clubs, check their school work is done, clothes, hair cuts, sort costumes for Halloween, parties.. u name it I do it. With very little appreciation. I obviously don't want them to dislike their mother, she's their mother.
I guess I don't really know Whatcom trying to say.
My son's get less attention, money, possessions because we make sure the girls don't miss out. The youngest daughter is only present to me when she needs/want a something because she knows no one else bothers. The eldest daughter is not as obvious but pretty the same. My partner gets cross when I say he should be doing all this, or his ex. It shouldn't all be on me. Sometimes I feel like I have no choice. I'm literally run ragged.

Am I wrong feeling like this?

BiscuitsBathroom Sun 29-Oct-17 22:15:52

Absolutely not. You’re being taken advantage of and your own children are missing out into the bargain. You DO have a choice. Don’t do it all out of guilt. Where’s their guilt, for their shit parenting of their DC?

You need to sit down with your DH and tell him to make some new arrangements with his ex.

How is the contact split?

Biglettuce Mon 30-Oct-17 00:18:42

No, you are not wrong. It’s the weird doing a Mother’s job but no one, not even the kids, liking it or appreciating it, like your own kid will.

You can pull back, be firm, it’s ok you need more time for you and your child. The other children have two parents.

Unicorn32 Mon 30-Oct-17 06:10:14

Contact is split 50/50 in school holidays. They come to us every other weekend and once or twice during the week. Also when there are events - Easter, Halloween etc purely because I make a huge deal for my children and their mother never does anything. So I think that's why they come to us.

Biglettuce Mon 30-Oct-17 10:48:49

I’d cut back on events. E.g. do Halloween but not Easter for example.

Unicorn32 Mon 30-Oct-17 16:19:48

But it's all things I do for my own kids. I don't seem to have a choice whether I have the girls or not.
I think of them as my own - but when it comes down to it obviously they aren't mine and I have no say. I hate how they are being brought up, it stresses me out when they are at our house. Their general hygiene is disgusting, they leave rubbish and their stuff all over the house. They have no manners, me and my partner can never have an adult conversation without them "joining" in. I'm literally run ragged. My children are not bought up this way.
I am not the strictest parent and my boys are not angels by all means. But they respect me and our home. My eldest is a straight A pupil. Where as my partners eldest is always in detention, lacking hwk etc. I know you can't compare them on everything. But I'm expecting to bring up 2 girls but in the complete opposite way that I am bringing up my own.

SandyY2K Mon 30-Oct-17 18:52:25

They are both taking advantage of you.

You need to have a serious talk to your partner about it ... or make yourself less available.

Tell him you're funding it all to much and him and his Ex need to step up, as the pressure is getting you.

If you don't see a change .. thev it's cheat he doesn't give a damn.

Biglettuce Mon 30-Oct-17 18:57:35

Well if you genuinely are fine with having your step kids as much as you do then stick with it.

You seem very helpless. You are not. If you accept the situation then take more control and be a parent, pull them up on stuff, take charge.

Unicorn32 Tue 31-Oct-17 07:51:47

Tried a million times to talk to him, his reply is always the same - "i go to work and you run the house" so because I run the house, I have to look after the girls.
I do also work on a weekend myself. Tbh I get paid peanuts and only go to have a break from this.

Unicorn32 Tue 31-Oct-17 07:58:59

A year ago in a heated discussion after tax inspectors were coming to our house, I told him to remove me as director of his company. He had put me as a director to change the company name etc - all tax related. As far as I was aware he had never removed me as director.
Messing around last night and googled my own name 😂 as you do. Companies house came up, never really looked at it before, and it said I had "resigned" as company director! Exactly a year to the month that the new company started. I feel completely used atm. Used to look after his girls and used to keep his company from paying tax and then removed without my knowledge.
We are due to get married next August- how can I spend the rest of my life with someone who makes me feel this way.
He thinks because he doesn't mind me doing as i please, going out etc, and financially supports me, I should be grateful and doesn't understand why I am upset. Am I just behaving like a spoilt princess. Something just doesn't feel right.

SandyY2K Tue 31-Oct-17 11:28:34

I wouldn't marry him, although the knowledge of a certain financial security if you divorce is a reason for some.

Working at home doesn't mean you do everything. He finishes work at a certain time.... it doesn't seem like you ever stop.

I personally would not get married to him. You aren't happy. I'd be looking at becoming more financially independent with a view to leaving tbh.

Would he go to relationship counselling?

It's simply unfair for you to be in this position.

Maybe you need to tell him you cannot see yourself getting married as things are. Perhaps he doesn't realise quite how much this is affecting you.

Does your son spend time with his father?

I was thinking that you could perhaps take your youngest away and stay with family eleswhere for a little break.

Ultimately, I thunk rather than get into further arguments about it ... You need to tell him it's clear thst your opinions differ on the matter and that in order to maintain a coparent relationship.... ypu feel it's better to part company.

He won't go for 50/50. Him and hid Ex will have to sort out their children and your DS will realise that women should be treated better.

You'd only become more miserable by marrying him.

Don't do it.

Samesituation Thu 02-Nov-17 22:00:35

For a week just stop doing EVERYTHING for them. Write your DP a list on the Sunday of what they need making sure its a really busy week what activities they have on etc etc. Divide and delegate household chores amongst everyone including DP and tell DP you want to start doing extra hours at work so you need more help in the house and see what he says.

swingofthings Fri 03-Nov-17 05:49:47

I'm confused with the situation. Are you saying you are not working during the week but working week-ends? If so, how can you be looking so much after his children and how can you say that you have brought them up if they come every other week-ends and only once or twice during the week?

Also, at 12 and 14, surely they are quite independent so surely don't need to be looked after during the holidays?

Arranging Christmas and Birthdays is only three times a year, so surely that's not a massive onus. Are you sure you are not blaming them for the fact that you are finding it hard -understandably- looking after a 2yo FT, and then your eldest in addition to working week-ends?

Is your 2 yo due to start nursery soon? If so, maybe things will get a bit easier when you get a bit of time for yourself during the week.

NorthernSpirit Fri 03-Nov-17 10:31:00

You can’t control what the mother does so let that go. She doesn’t have the luxury of being a SAHM (and good on her for having such a strong work ethic. Better she has that than she’s relaying in the government or your OH to fund her).

With regards to you ‘bringing up the children’ you have them every other weekend (when you work), a night in the week and school holidays. So I don’t think you can claim you are raising the SC.

If I unpick your message, is the route of the problem you want your partner to do more? Share the burden? Bringing up your own kids is hard enough work and on top of that you work weekends which must be ha d for you. Does your partner support you, help you?

You need to be honest and tell him how you are feeling and what you would like to change.

iloveberries Sat 04-Nov-17 21:05:32

northern spirit

Strong work ethic or abandoning her kids with Op?

iloveberries Sat 04-Nov-17 21:07:25

I only say this as my dps Ex works full time (by choice) and expects me to look after her kids as I work pt. but I do that to look after my own kids. If she’s out there earning a full time salary then she can pay OP to look after them.

SAHM isn’t always a “luxury”... perhaps op places importance on flexible work and being there for her kids and can’t find that and therefore has made the tough choice between full time work and full time motherhood...

NorthernSpirit Sat 04-Nov-17 21:56:16

The mother doesn’t ‘abandon’ her children for the OP to look after (from what’s written in the post/s). And the OP doesn’t ‘bring up’ the SC as she states. They have the children EOW (when the OP works) so am presuming the sad looks after them? Plus half the holidays (when i’m sure she does have the burden).

Sounds like the OP’s partner needs to pull his weight a bit more? Is that the route of the problem?

swingofthings Sun 05-Nov-17 08:46:22

If she’s out there earning a full time salary then she can pay OP to look after them.
The kids seem to have the standard arrangement for contact to come and see their dad, so don't see where the 'OP is looking after the kids on behalf of their working mother' comes into it. If OP has to look after the children (but again, not clear when this happens), then it's her OH who would need to pay her since it's his responsibility to ensure care is given during his contact time.

As a single FT working mum, I expected OH to help with childcare during the holidays, ie. arrange to have them some of those days (not even close to expecting 1/2!). Whether he did this by taking time off himself, paying for childcare or asking his non working partner to do so was his business, however, it's funny how he and she considered it that it was still my responsibility and that anything they did was as a favour to me. In the end, their attitude was so frustrating, I stopped mentioning it and the kids went to holiday clubs which I paid fully (he never even paid maintenance) whilst he had them a total of 4 days during the 6 weeks summer holidays!

Purpleforest Sun 05-Nov-17 09:27:45

If you work weekends then doesn't that leave your OH looking after all the kids then? (or does your eldest visit his own dad sometimes?). I think if worked full time, then looked after 4 kids (one of them not mine) at a weekend, but my OH stayed at home all week supported by me, and then looked after mine as well as their own during the holidays I'd feel i probably was pulling my weight pretty well.

But you absolutely can and should feel that you can parent them when they're with you. You can pull them up yourself on dropping rubbish everywhere, and make sure your OH is prepared to back you up as necessary. My DSD are with us every weekend, every Christmas, New Year, Halloween etc - because their mum doesn't really do much with them. And like you I have my own DC who are similar in age. I don't find it hard though to include the DSC on things I'm doing anyway - but that's probably related to feeling able to have some say in how they behave.

YummieMum1980 Mon 06-Nov-17 08:04:36

Please someone help......I have a step daughter aged 5yrs she is an amazing little girl but recently she has pushed me to the max when her dad is in work, she refuses to do anything I ask of her ( simple little things like help her sisters put the toys away ) she screams, kicks doors and walls, she has attacked me at times but it don't matter what kind of punishment she gets for her behaviour we go through the same thing everyday and I'm starting to dread getting up in the mornings, I love her to bits but I'm at my peak now and don't know how to deal with this as I will not stand for it off my own children. please can anyone help me.

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