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Step daughters mother!

(40 Posts)
hollyindie Wed 25-Oct-17 06:38:22

Hi everyone

So my partner has a 5 year old daughter who we have regular contact with. She is with us weekends and stops every other Friday night.
Since his ex found out I am expecting she has been awkward to hell and I don’t know how to go about sorting it?

So she has stopped SD from coming to ours because “we have pushed her aside falling pregnant”
My partner now has to travel to his parents every weekend to see his little girl.
I want more than anything for my baby and his girl to have a relationship but since finding out about the pregnancy she has cut it right off and not allowing their daughter to come to 4D scan or be included yet has the cheek to say we don’t include her?

How can I get her to allow her daughter to come? I don’t want to over step the mark but I know when her and my partner talk the argue rather than talk so that’s not a real option. I’ve also asked his parents to talk to her but they said they won’t get involved. I feel let down by them that they won’t see how unreasonable she is being?

ems137 Wed 25-Oct-17 07:18:16

How would mum know SD was coming to the scan? What you OH does with his daughter during his contact time is nothing to do with her as long as she is safe and well. If this carries on the only way to sort it properly would be court.

hollyindie Wed 25-Oct-17 07:30:22

Thanks for your reply
She would know because now she won’t let partner have SD at our house anymore. She insists he has to go to his parents to see her and His parents won’t let her come because it’s against what the mother has said even though he is her dad.

Just feel like everyone is against us and I feel like his parents should be backing him up and standing with him not on her side and being another person to battle with.

I have told him to look at getting legal advice because it’s becoming a joke, so I think it’s the only route now.

beingsunny Wed 25-Oct-17 07:31:03

I’m not sure there is much you can do personally unless you already have a good relationship with her.

I think it’s entirely reasonable for the parents to stay out of it, they don’t want to be stuck in the middle and risk their relationship.

All your husband can do is maintain as much contact as possible, continue to include her and keep an open invitation for overnights at this point.

Alternatively he can go to court and apply for a formal contact agreement.

ems137 Wed 25-Oct-17 07:47:50

I think I’d want the contact arrangements sorting out as soon as possible. Your OH hasn’t done anything wrong but is being punished for his ex’s jealousy. Ex obviously isn’t doing anything in the best interests of SD, her excuse about her getting pushed out is just bullshit and not being allowed to go to her dads house anymore with Just create division and jealousy between the new baby. I’ve

hollyindie Wed 25-Oct-17 07:54:36

Exactly Ems

I feel like she has just put this barrier up against us and he has to prove himself all over again. I dread what she is telling SD as the other day she came to us and asked if she would be forgotten about when the baby comes!! I was so devastated she said that because he never would do that to her and neither would I so I don’t know where she has heard that from.

It’s not like I’m the OW either they have been separated for 4 years and we have been together for year and half.

I’m going to get him to go to see solicitor and sort this out. It’s a shame it has to go that way but she can’t do this. I don’t understand any women who would stop their child having a relationship with their dad and now having a relationship with their baby brother.
I grew up with half brothers/sisters and I’d never forgive my parents if they said I couldn’t be apart of their lives.

MaisyPops Wed 25-Oct-17 08:02:03

That's awful OP. It sounds like the SD is suffering because of jer mother's jealousy and bitterness.
God knows what the mother is saying to the poor girl if she's already started playing with contact in some nasty attempt at being manipulative. The cynic in me thinks she is going ti become more and more difficult with contact because she hopes your DP will find it awkward and then she can do that whinge of 'child's father doesn't care since he got a new girlfriend and baby'.

Absolutely go through the courts to get access. Don't try to negotiate with the ex. She's proven herself more bothered about using her child as a weapon than ensuring her child has a happy relationship with their new sibling.

hollyindie Wed 25-Oct-17 08:12:22

Thank you everyone it’s giving me the reassurance that court is the way to go. I thought It would come to that but just wanted to see if anything else could be done before that.

Thank you all for replying hope we can get this sorted for little girls sake xx

Shouldileavethedogs Wed 25-Oct-17 08:20:14

Your story mirrors ours. Same age child and everything. Sadly we did the court thing and unfortunatly all it did was cost us thousands. A court order was put in place but she broke it. Took 3 months to get to court again and a further month to issue a further order. She broke it again. Took 3 months again to get to court and each time it coats about a thousand pounds with the hearing. You have to have a barrister and solicitor costs. She broke that order too. Suffice to say we had no more money to fight it and my OH hasn't seen his son for 3 years. The courts don't offer legal aid now and his ex blatantly told us she was rich enough to fight us until we were bankrupt. sad

hollyindie Wed 25-Oct-17 08:31:43

Shouldileavethedogs

That’s awful sad I’m so sorry to hear that I hope one day your OH child can see that it’s the mother who done this and not your or father. To use your child in such a hurtful way is beyond me. There is no winner there and only damage and hurt caused.

I am worried about all the court expenses especially with little one on the way it’s a massive cost that should be spent elsewhere and not fighting a battle that doesn’t need to be fought. I hope that when he is born his daughter will want as much to do with him as we want her to and she will persist to see him. I know we both won’t stop fighting for their relationship to happen regardless of her mother.

NorthernSpirit Wed 25-Oct-17 09:04:21

My OH has a formal contact order.

Very bitter EW who used the children as weapons and stopped contact when she felt like it, wanted to manipulate and expert control. The last straw for my OW is when the EW wouldn’t let my OH see or talk to his daughter on her birthday.

My OH did take the EW to court and used a solicitor and barrister. You can represent yourself in the family court and I would recommend you do that (the EW has breached the order a number of times and my OH now represents himself). Judges are very accommodating to those self representing.

The only way to deal with these bitter EW’s is with a formal agreement or the manipulation will continue. Children have a right to see both parents and thus women is stopping that right.

Shouldileavethedogs Wed 25-Oct-17 09:21:53

If he's still seeing his child as much as it's wrong bend over backwards to continue what the ex wants. My OH ex wanted unreasonable things but even after we agreed she still pulled out. For instance she wanted him to have his son for 8 hours on a sat but he wasn't allowed to take him to anyone's house not even his. Or couldn't take him shopping or meet up with anyone. Not to feed him junk food or go in his car. So he was set up to fail. Where do you take a five year old for 8 hours on a sat. Cinema Or tumble tots type of thing but then what can he feed him. Effectively 3 meals. The courts just told them to go away and agree and then he'll rubber stamp it. Obviously no agreement could be met because my OH would fail on day 1 and therefore she would break the order. Not that she needed an excuse.

Winosaurus Wed 25-Oct-17 09:37:50

Does he have parental responsibility and is on the birth certificate? Does she have a residency order? If he has PR and there’s no formal residency order there’s nothing to stop him just taking his DD home with him from the grandparents house, they legally can’t stop him it’s his child. For example if my mum was babysitting my son and my Ex saw her with him he could jusr remove DS from her and take him home and there’s literally nothing she could do about it... I know this to be true because it happened to us. I was away working for the night and Ex just took DS out of the supermarket trolley and took him home whilst my mum was powerless.
Why are the grandparents on the side of his ex anyway? It doesn’t add up? Are they afraid she’ll cut contact with them?

Shouldileavethedogs Wed 25-Oct-17 09:42:53

The grandparent are probably scared of no contact. My OH parents were blocked too because his mum took his son shopping. He has parental responsibility and he's on the birth certificate too. It's not so easy to fight it. The odds are stacked against the father. Terrible time wasting laws. Money eating judicial system even if you represent yourself. You still have to go to meditation and that's costs 100 pounds per hour each and we were ordered to pay hers.

Shouldileavethedogs Wed 25-Oct-17 09:44:01

Mediation. Sorry

hollyindie Wed 25-Oct-17 10:13:29

Parents are on her side for exactly that reason. She threatened them last time if they support him they won’t see their granddaughter!

He said about going round and taking his daughter and I didn’t know if that would cause more problems than good?

Winosaurus Wed 25-Oct-17 10:26:35

holly she sounds like a complete bitch

hollyindie Wed 25-Oct-17 10:32:32

Yeah winosauras she is a complete bitch
No talking to her, I’ve tried but I get told to F off out of her daughters life I have no say. Yep I get that I don’t have any say, I don’t want any say, I was just talking to her like a civil human being for her daughters and my son sake.

He is on the birth certificate and there is no formality to say he can’t have contact she just always puts up barriers.
She stopped him about 6 months ago before because he only text her how the daughter was doing not calling her even tho he text every day to the mother and FaceTimed his daughter because he wasn’t ringing the mother he was refused contact then because “he didn’t try enough”

That got resolved and now this.. there is always something wrong and an excuse to not let them have a proper relationship

NorthernSpirit Wed 25-Oct-17 12:31:28

The only way to deal with this unreasonableness is to get a formal contact order. My OH went through 3 years of the hell with the EW dictating and controlling contact. No contact allowed on the children’s birthdays, Father’s Day, the fathers birthday, a holiday that had been ‘approved’ by the EW to the children’s grandparents was stopped the night before as she wasn’t happy about something..... I could go on.....

The EW has no say what goes on in the fathers contact time, just like the father has no say what goes on when the children are in the care of the mother.

You can’t rationally deal with this type of person. Their bitterness is all consuming (sadly) and they don’t see that they are putting their own feelings before their children’s.

Apply to the courts for a contact order. Self rep. It costs about £210 and is pretty easy to do. That way everyone knows we’re they stand.

I watched my OH go through hell when the EW controlled the contact. She has breached the court order a few times and he’s had to take the EW back to court (even a threat from a judge that he would remove the children from her if she continued to stop contact doesn’t stop her at times). But on the whole she’s now ok and we know we’re we stand on contact.

Justoneme Wed 25-Oct-17 12:32:25

Sounds all to familiar... my DH and I told the DSC that we are planning to have a baby. We weren't pregnant but because DH eW is toxic we knew we had to plant the seed to the children the likelyhood of a brother or sister would happen.... and BOOM just like that the children started to come up with all crazy thoughts about what was going to happen.

I do find it laughable when mothers actually verbally/emotional attack and abuse the children's father and Stepmother. In most cases where there has been a break down is because the EX jealousy and bitterness takes the place of being a good parent. I hate hearing "oh when the children grow up they will learn the truth" how sad is that ... no child should have to find the truth that one parent has stopped another parent from seeing them.

There was a post on here over the weekend where a SM is not wanting to tell the mother they were getting married .... sometimes there are good reasons why little information is shared with the ex because sometimes you just don't know what you are going to get!

NorthernSpirit Wed 25-Oct-17 12:43:38

You can’t deal with these women. They are so emotionally damaged that they can’t see past their own bitterness.

My OH had been speared from the EW for 4 years and divorced for 3 years when I met him. When we got engaged a few years later my OH received one of her diatribe vitriol emails - she wasn’t happy about the engagement and how dare we of told ‘her’ children.

The problem is women such as these haven’t emotionally disconnected from the ex husband and they still think they can control. Don’t even try to ration with her, it’s a waste of time.

Get a court order and then don’t give her any space in your head.

ohreallyohreallyoh Wed 25-Oct-17 16:05:30

In most cases where there has been a break down is because the EX jealousy and bitterness takes the place of being a good parent

Most cases? Certainly not my experience.

Stillpissingdown Wed 25-Oct-17 16:09:57

op I'm a massive fan of sometimes grinning and bearing rubbish when kids are involved in split as it's the kids that suffer

BUT in this instance she really doesn't get the choose to choose where your DP sees child. This is the build up to NC when your new baby arrives.

I'd go in heavy handed and go for court arranged contact. It will cost a fortune but it willlet her know - dd is part of your family now whether she likes it or not

MadMags Wed 25-Oct-17 16:11:56

His parents should be supporting him.

Of course they want to see their grandchild but he's their son? And what about their other grandchild on the way? Will they not ever bother to see them both together if your sd isn't allowed to be around you?

Pandering to this unreasonable behaviour will do them no good.

Eventually, it's likely to cause a rift so if they're willing to sacrifice their son and your baby, then that says a lot about them really, doesn't it?

hollyindie Wed 25-Oct-17 16:16:42

Thank you all so so much for your support! It’s so good to hear that we are not the bad ones for once like we’ve made out to be! I can’t thank you enough.

Just shown my partner this post and he has arranged appointment for 27th November at solicitors. The women on the phone said it’s ridiculous what she is doing and she has no right to play god.

Let’s hope it’s the start of something more positive

Thank you all again xx

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