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Boyfriend has another child....

(24 Posts)
user1468348545 Wed 25-Oct-17 01:43:34

So sorry for the long post; I’ve been an avid mumsnet reader and hoping for some much needed advice or support or even both...

So boyfriend of 8 months. Amazing man. I have a son from previous relationship and he has a daughter from a previous relationship. I wasn’t expecting to fall for someone so hard after getting out of a violent relationship at the end of last year. But he was the one. I’d not wanted anymore kids or marriage due to my past but he changed all that. We were planning a child next year and even talking about marriage asap.

So last week we were mid argument about something really petty when he gets a phone call from his sister. Nothing seemed abnormal. He carried on the argument but dropped in he’d just had some bad news. After pushing him on it he dropped the bombshell he’s just found out that he maybe has another baby (3 weeks old approx) As I’m sure you can imagine, shock was my instant reaction. After some talking he left and went home. Something didn’t add up to me as when he supposedly found this out during the call he had no shock. No emotion. Nothing. And when I pushed him on this he admitted he’d known that this girl was pregnant and it might be his since before we got together and had known the baby was born and he’d had contact with the girl. So as you can imagine I flipped at the lies.

Now he’s getting a dna test. But I really don’t know what to do.

I love him so so much but I honestly don’t know if I can get past these lies. And as bad as it sounds if this child is his I don’t know if I can take it on as well.

I have Heath issues and have recently changed careers that will include a lot of training. He already has difficulty seeing his previous daughter due to a difficult ex and this current potential is not exactly being easy. I have my son to worry about in all of this and how this will effect him. I just can’t have another baby myself, (Health/financially/Emotionally) on top of all this if it is his. It would just be too much. So It would mean me giving up my planned future with him if it is.
Add ontop of all of this my past. I still to this day don’t know who my dad is and was beaten by my stepmom and I’m certain it was because they knew I probably wasn’t my dads.
Then the icing on the cake is I was suspectedly pregnant myself, and I’ve now miscarried the day after all of this came out. (I’ve miscarried before so know what it’s like)

I honestly feel so bad for this new baby and she deserves to have her dad in her life but I just don’t honestly know if I can handle all of this.

Sorry for such long winded post but please can anyone advise...

Desperately waiting for help....

RosemaryHoight Wed 25-Oct-17 01:50:14

God walk away from this man.

Orangebird69 Wed 25-Oct-17 01:51:13

You need to walk away. Sorry OP flowers

raisinsarenottheonlyfruit Wed 25-Oct-17 01:52:32

Firstly ((((hugs))))) what a shock.

I just don’t honestly know if I can handle all of this

You don't have to handle this you know, it's OK to walk away.

I know it feels like this guy is the one, but rushing things like this is a classic rad flag. As you've been in one abusive relationship you're vulnerable.

He doesn't sound so amazing to me. Why hasn't he been there for this woman (his ex?). Why has he only told you now?

I can't think of an answer to either of these that equals him being an amazing man. He sounds like someone desperate to hide from his responsibilities.

It's totally, utterly unfair to get you pregnant without letting you know about potentially another sibling so close in age. How dare he have such little regard for your feelings.

Walk away, focus on your son and on being good to yourself.

Have you done the Freedom program? That could help you avoid another bad relationship in the future.

raisinsarenottheonlyfruit Wed 25-Oct-17 01:53:37

I'm sorry to hear you may be miscarrying flowers

user1468348545 Wed 25-Oct-17 01:53:47

Just thought I better add this was a one night stand he had.

user1468348545 Wed 25-Oct-17 01:54:38

And I was also using protection that clearly failed me miserably.

Hellywelly10 Wed 25-Oct-17 01:58:43

Boyfriend of 8 months and another woman is pregnant! Please take a step back to reflect on your past.

RosemaryHoight Wed 25-Oct-17 02:00:35

You can take comfort in it being a one night stand, it would make me feel worse. I think.

Italiangreyhound Wed 25-Oct-17 02:22:13

user1468348545 it all sounds very rushed - meeting, getting together and 8 months in planning marriage and a baby. Why the hurry?

Focus on your health, your son, your work. IF this man is meant to be in your life then he will stick around and prove himself to be trustworthy and lovable. Hopefully there will be fewer arguments and no more announcements of possible siblings for your possible new child.

Please start using a very reliable contraceptive, or stop sleeping together until you know what you actually want.

This child may or may not be your partners, but either way, he didn't tell you about the possible child, he even 'faked' being told about the possible child - in the middle of an argument! None of this says responsible parent or husband to me.


viques Wed 25-Oct-17 02:30:46

I am sorry about your miscarriage. I don't know what to advise to be honest, because I don't think you want to give him up. if you did you would not have spent most of the post rattling on about how amazing he is but would have gone straight into the shock news about the maybe baby.

I think the best thing you can do is to get yourself sorted out with some better contraception ASAP because whatever happens to the relationship I don't think now is the time to get pregnant again with him.[ I thought talking about babies and marriage after only 8 months was already a bit rushed. ]

Your first considerations have to be your son and your own health. I hope for both your sakes you decide you deserve better than this baby maker and finish the relationship.

Italiangreyhound Wed 25-Oct-17 02:35:56

PS, yes, sorry I missed saying that too, I am very sorry about the miscarriage.

user1493413286 Wed 25-Oct-17 16:01:07

I think the lying/not telling you about this baby is a big deal breaker. It means he’s been keeping things from you during the entire relationship and I’m not sure how you can trust him.
I’m also imagining a lot of issues moving forward with seeing the new baby, from experience I would doubt the mum would let him take a newborn baby out of her care for his contact so likelihood is you’d have to accept him spending time with her as well as the baby.

HeebieJeebies456 Thu 26-Oct-17 02:05:31

8 months in and you were already planning to have a child with him?
You need your head testing!

You don't actually know who this man is as a person, a partner or as father - he isn't honest and you haven't known him long enough.
You're still in the 'honeymoon' phase.

I think you need to focus more on healing from an abusive relationship instead of making plans to have another dc by yet another douche-bag hmm

wobblywonderwoman Thu 26-Oct-17 03:10:00

Sorry to hear of your miscarriage and your shock

Please mind yourself. Don't stay with a man who is o deceitful because that's what he is

RockyBayEve Thu 26-Oct-17 09:04:07

Run don't walk!

Orangealien Thu 26-Oct-17 09:08:15

Run away. You are only 8 months in. You can get over this even if you think you can't now. This is a messy situation but you can clean it right up by leaving him.

Belleoftheball8 Thu 26-Oct-17 09:11:09

I think your past relationship is completely clouding your judgement. There’s many red flags talks of marriage and child when existing children are already past relationships and now a newborn from a one night stand. After 8 months you don’t even know each other.

teaortequila23 Thu 26-Oct-17 09:27:37

Sorry for your miscarriage.
Regarding this issue I would tell you to run for the hills. This man knew from day one she was pregnant but chose to ignore it and not tell you till now. He has now got two possible baby mothers and are you going to want to join that group?.
Don’t do it!
Don’t marry this man and have a family with him I don’t think he cares about who he has children with.

Biglettuce Thu 26-Oct-17 09:45:35

Amazing man... sorry but this is too good to be true, and you’ve just found out it is. His thinking is skewed and he will always be like this with you. He wanted to seem like the good guy to you. There are some really worrying pointers
- Ex girlfriend makes it difficult? You actually don’t know anything. If possible, I’d talk to her.
- lying
- getting serious very quickly
- you have a previous abusive relationship

You could be walking into another one.

FizzyGreenWater Thu 26-Oct-17 14:36:27

I wasn’t expecting to fall for someone so hard after getting out of a violent relationship at the end of last year.

No, I'm afraid that's usually exactly what happens. You're traumatised, vulnerable and almost guaranteed to make a beeline for someone who you'll be looking to to restore a sense of normality and create a 'good' relationship with, as quickly as possible. Even if you don't realise it.

It's classic.

You are only 8 months in with this guy and the red flags are popping up all over the place. Do yourself a favour and walk away right now. Then wait, REALLY wait before you start another relationship, have counselling maybe.

swingofthings Thu 26-Oct-17 14:59:10

8 months is much too short to get to know someone as they truly are warts and all. You're now coming to that time of seeing the warts and they look pretty bad. That side of him is not just a blemish in the person he is but an integrated part of the person he is. This acknowledgment is hitting you hard because you build a happy future with him much too fast.

What you need to do now is take a large leap back if you don't want to leave. See yourself as an independent woman in control of your life. If you can't break it off than take things slowly as they come rather than trying to build the future before you've even managed the present. Sort out your birth control as an emergency.

19lottie82 Sat 28-Oct-17 21:26:00

I wouldn’t be so sure the baby is a product of a ONS, it’s possible but it’s a lot more likely there was more (and possibly still is) to it than that.
If he’s been lying to you about the baby until now then it’s a lot more simpler for him to say it was just a ONS. He’s proved himself to be a liar, I’d take everything he says with a pinch of salt.

Seriously, I’d cut your losses now, before it gets anymore complicated.

beesandknees Sun 29-Oct-17 04:52:54

Op you are fresh out of a violent relationship and you are talking marriage with a bf of 8 months? Please love you must give your head a shake. Talking marriage and babies that early, especially when you've already got a child, is a red flag not a sign that things are going well.

You don't know this person at ALL. I mean he's just proven that to you, dropping his bombshell on you hasn't he?

Don't be a mug op. Get out of this relationship asap. I know it's heartbreaking but please it is REALLY obvious that this man is bad news

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