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Step kid

(11 Posts)
Pbpepbien Mon 23-Oct-17 15:35:57

Am I wrong, my Mrs has a daughter who is now 19. Me and the Mrs are always arguing about her and she protects her and defends her no matter what she does and refuses to push her to get a job or do any chores around the house.

She's 19 goes to college 2 days a week does not have a job or chores just sits around all day eating and leaving mess all around the house, she's had everything under the sun from her mother you name it whatever she wants she gets like a princess money no object so spoilt its untrue she will have her birthday presents one week and the week after she will ask for something else and guess what she will get it.

Here's a list.

Wrappers left in the living room often left on the floor with crumbs

Shoes left in the living room together with her bag even though i have placed 2 shoe storage boxes at the front entrance.

Goes up the stairs with her shoes on when me and the mrs make sure we take ours off before we go up.

Expects me or the Mrs to cook for her boyfriend when she brings him with her.

Constant bickering about how i hate her and i'm this i'm that, mrs came in last week huffing and puffing looking at all the dishes in the sink when i had just come in from work and her daughters sat there playing on ps4 all day.

I have spent numerous hours decorating sawing and building things for our house and hours and hours on end cleaning, taking the mrs to work on saturday morning, walking feeding and looking after the dog, but still i'm the bad man i could clean up for 6 hours and soon as she enters there's mess no respect.

I'm worn out burnt out and tbh i'm not feeling any love for them at the moment this is how bad the situation has got.

All i want is her to learn to stand on her own too feet and learn responsibility because she should have learn't it by now and just make it a little easier for us, friday i came back from work and i spent 2 hours cleaning up before i could sit down.

To show you the extent of her lazyness i will tell you about the story of the eyelash, there's an eyelash don't know if it's fell off or dropped in front her room i thought to myself i will leave that there see how long it takes her to pick it up, 2 weeks later it's still there can't be even bothered to pick it up.

Surely this is not normal for someone who is now 19.

Busymum5 Mon 23-Oct-17 15:53:52

No its not!

I have a niece who is a little older (she lives with my mum) she is not only training for a career but she works too. She also has to cook when it is her turn and clean up.

I expect my DC and DSC to look after their belonging. If they take it out they put it away etc. They also have chores appropriate to their age that they have to do. For example make their own bed, washing up putting away their clothes.

It is all about respect at the end of the day.

Louw12345 Mon 23-Oct-17 17:03:31

Oh my days. Maybe you should stop doing everything and see if mum sees how much you actually do.

A 19 should be doing the basic of things.

My children age 13 and 15 bring their washing down and put a wash on in the morning I then do the rest. When washed and dried it's folded up and put in their box for them to put away. One does one doesn't but I don't do it for her.

They are asked to help prepare tea/ wash up/ or help around the house or with the younger children.
They moan but get ot done anyway.
We spend alot of quality time together because we work as a team.

My partner is a clean and tidy person however hos children aren't. And this is because he cleans up after them his mum says 3 and 4 (at the time) shouldn't be cleaning their bedrooms (at their mums) however they was cleaning their room at mine weekend before xoz they mad such a mess I wasn't happy at all.

Cleaning up after yourself is a basic requirement and to say at 19 she doesn't do that is really bad. I really thonk you should not doing anything for a day or so. When the girlfriend kicks off just say well I'm not here to clean I'm here to be respected once that happens and we can work together as a family. I'm sure we all will be happy

Notreallyarsed Mon 23-Oct-17 17:05:00

I wouldn’t accept that level of disrespect and laziness (not tidying up wrappers, plates etc) from my 4 yo never mind a 19 yo.

AnneLovesGilbert Mon 23-Oct-17 21:58:26

Your wife is awful. It sounds grim.

I'd leave them to it. Think how much better your life will be when you're not skivvying after them both and can enjoy your free time and a clean tidy home.

Wdigin2this Mon 23-Oct-17 22:04:54

Your choices, stay with them just as you are now, it won't change, and you'll live like that till she moves out permanently, and god knows how long that'll be.....or leave!

Biglettuce Tue 24-Oct-17 13:59:57

I’ve had this. 18 year old, so messy.

I get that we have to not be on their case 24/7 as step parents. Hard! I know. But we just don’t have the credibility their own parents have.

It gets worse as they become adults, if they are indulged. Like having an ungrateful, surly big child who expects servant status from a step parent but also dislikes you and also blamed!

I think - is your relationship worth another 2 years of this? It’ll get worse. If it is, I’d be very strict in my own head, ask your step child to do a maximum of 2 things. No more. Then ignore the rest. Ignore ignore ignore.

Samesituation Sat 28-Oct-17 21:18:52

Definitely not normal behaviour. My 3 and 5 yr old do more around the house than your 19 yr old SD. I agree with a PP don't do ANYTHING for a couple of days (it might be hell but hopefully worth it for you) (or just do stuff for yourself) and see what your DW thinks of the state of the house then. Perhaps then she will realise what you actually do and tell her that a rota needs sorting ASAP for chores etc. You dont mention how long you and DW have been together.....Out of interest has she (or You If applicable) ever shown SD how to cook, use washing machine etc ?? Maybe she needs assistance with that ? You could always gather all her belongings and the crap she leaves everywhere and put it in one of those boxes she doesn't use for her shoes and leave it outside her bedroom door.

Pbpepbien Tue 31-Oct-17 12:05:03

No Mrs has not shown her how to do chores etc, no idea why ? its like torture, she brings her boyfriend over when she likes and sits there and waits for her mum to come home and expect tea then i get the backlash it has started to make me nervous and anxious and quite resentful.

We had a massive argument to the point of breaking up i can't win, she said whats your priority me or this house ? is she jealous of 4 walls ?.

I've made mistakes i put my hands up i did ignore SD on her birthday but i put my hands up and said sorry it was wrong.

These feelings have built up over a very long period of time we have been together for 6 years and now it is critical level these are supposed to be the easier years where at 19 she should be looking forward.

I just feel she is hell bent on breaking us up to get her mother on her own so she does not have to work and live off her.

I have too many Responsibilitie's if i'm doing D.I.Y like building Verandah's window bay seats, painting i get it for not cleaning ?.

NorthernSpirit Tue 31-Oct-17 12:15:33

I haven’t read the whole thread OP but your stepdaughter sounds spoilt and entitled (not your doing by the sounds of things).

At 19 (when most kids are away at University and living independently) she should be independent and self sufficient. Why would she ever leave home if she has everyone running round after her?

Our role as adults is to teach kids to be independent and self sufficient. Sitting around waiting to be waited on sounds like she has developed a sense of entitlement - this won’t bode well when she enters the adult working place.

I would sit her down and lay down some rules. As I tell my DSC when they have a ‘Kevin & Perry’ moment i’m not here for their convienence and as a family we all have a responsibility to help each other and to run the household.

Good luck. There are ingrained behaviours there. Stay strong.

Bertsfriend Tue 31-Oct-17 12:26:12

No, that's not normal and your wife's not doing her any favours by allowing this. Three adults in the house should equal all chores being split three ways, including cleaning the bathroom, cooking, laundry etc.

She could be with you for another ten years, you've got to sort it out pretty soon or the resentment will build and it could be the end of your marriage.

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