Am i being selfish?

[mugonmyhead]

I am a regular poster but have name changed for this.

I am currently having an argument with my partner because he says I am selfish. I think he is well out of order saying that.

Bit of back story.

He has two dc's from a prev relationship. He has one Dc with me. We live together and have joint mortgage etc, not married (prob not relevant but including it anyway)

We have been together 5 years. Lived together 3 of those. Had DC after 4 years.

When we started seeing eachother I didn't meet the kids. I don't think I met them until about 8 months in. Anyway, their mum kicked off like mad, but they were fine. Happy to see me, though not every contact time, just sometimes. Anyway everything fine, but then eldest dc decided they hated DP and didn't want to see us again.

Had to go to mediation about this but got nowehere, did set up a contact arrangement for younger dc. Saw younger dc twice a week until early this year. Were not ever allowed to change days, therefore never made plans etc because contact days were inflexible. However, ex swapped and changed and dropped younger dc on us whenever she felt like it - especially during my maternity leave where I was used as a free babysitter on the regular.

Earlier this year youngest dc decided they didn't like oldest dc, and said that their mum was horrible etc etc usual stuff. So moved in with us. I was never consulted about this. I never got a choice. One day dc didn't live with us, the next day they did. This left us short of cash, paying maintenance for 2 kids and getting nothing back. I had to sort out tax credits and child benefit (which took ages because ex said dc still lived with her) and we struggled.

we are mostly back on our feet now, but things still come up. Ex doesn't contribute more than the min child maintenance and we pay for everything. I don't resent this but it bothers me that DP doesn't stand up for himself and point out the thousands he has spent (and still spends) over the years.

We still never make plans because ex drops dc whenever an opportunity to go out on the lash comes up. Dp never says no sorry we are busy just lets her do what she wants.

She has changed arrangements for xmas and is now having youngest dc for less than 24 hours over xmas day and boxing day.

I was supposed to be seeing my own family boxing day, but cant now as dc coming home co incides with the time I would be half way through my boxing day dinner. Its not an option for me to go on my own because I don't drive.

I have asked DP if ex could have dc for an extra couple of hours so that I could stick to original plans, and have been told that I am selfish and I should leave if I have this attitude.

I really do not think I am being selfish wanting to stick to my own plan for one day of the year.

I think I've been incredibly lenient and laid back whilst not being involved in any parenting decisions, but expected to parent this dc. (which I do because nobody else cooks or washes or tidies for them)

I am utterly fed up and seriously considering leaving but don't really want to do this for the sake of my own DC. I think my dc will eventually fade out of DPs life because somehow the other two dc seem to be a priority over ours.

Am I being selfish ? i don't even know what to do. I have just ranted at dp that he would never find anyone else who would be willing to do all this and then be called selfish..

[MycatsaPirate]

No, you aren't selfish. Your entire life is 'on hold'. You make no plans? At all? So no days out 'just in case'.

Your DP needs to stand up to his ex and be prepared to say 'no, this doesn't work for us' when it's needed.

I know children have to come first but this is a case of the ex just constantly swapping contact times to suit her, not to suit the child.

I have been in a similar situation when we were just told that dsd would be coming for a week because her mum was going away etc which was mostly fine but sometimes it just wasn't practical as plans were set in stone. On the one time DP said no, that can't work, his dsd got told that he didn't want to see him. That was shit of his ex and I am not sure I could ever forgive her for that. We offered alternative extra days when we were at home but no, it was only those days she wanted.

Children need a routine, security and to know where they are meant to be. It's not fair to keep shuffling them from one house to another at short notice unless it's an emergency or there are absolutely no other options. Cancelling contact because she is going out is not fair on her child.

[mugonmyhead]

this is the thing, he won't stand up to her. He would clearly rather throw our relationship away, than even speak to her.

I know that the ex's behaviour is shit, but the fact dp won't do anything about it, and then calls ME selfish, is even more shit.

I am seriously considering leaving because i just don't have the time or the energy to deal with this shit show any more.

[TwoDots]

Defo not being selfish. Does your partner know the severity of your feelings? Ie you’re about to walk out?

[ChevalierTialys]

You need to tell him this, you are at breaking point and are about to leave. Make it clear yhthat at its not about this one day, its about years of manipulation and bullying by his ex. Tell him either he stands up to her or you walk.

[Lottie509]

Nope you arent being selfish at all, he needs to speak up its ridiculous.

[fuzzywuzzy]

What would happen if you made your own way to your family for Xmas and Boxing Day and did your own thing?

[MrsDustyBusty]

I hesitate to ask this, but if he's telling you to leave if you don't like the situation, is he fully on board with the relationship between you continuing?

[youarenotkiddingme]

So the Ex chops and changes her mind about contact and when she'll see younger dc etc?

I'd show DP some Mn threads written about dads who do this. He's soon get a whole new vocabulary to use to describe his dc mum

Yanbu. For a start it's not fair on youngest who doesn't know if they'll see their mhm when planned or not.

Is nice to see a Dad step up and in and protect the feelings of their child though. He just needs to be firmer and make sure it it isn't at the expense of life opportunities for his/your youngest or them feeling second fiddle waiting around for older sibling.

[mugonmyhead]

No i dont think he quite realises how i feel. Hes told to to leave in the heat of an argument i dont think for a minute he thinks i will. He doesnt ever talk about it and says i dont like his dc, which is catergorically untrue.

fuzzy i dont know but im considering getting my mum to pick me and my dc up and staying there boxing day and night. Dp would probably be hurt but he cant have it all ways.

Ive written down how i feel. Hopefully he can read it an understand. He just takes everything as a criticism when its not meant like that.

[LongWavyHair]

i dont know but im considering getting my mum to pick me and my dc up and staying there boxing day and night. Dp would probably be hurt but he cant have it all ways.

Exactly, he can't have it both ways. I would use Boxing Day as a way to get that point across to him.

[DarkPeakScouter]

That sounds like a good idea op. I think he has gotten used to taking you for granted and hasn’t considered that you may have your own desires and opinions.

[Biglettuce]

You are not being selfish, but your DP is like mine, willing to compromise for exes because in his mind, it made him feel like a real father, but not for us as a couple. The kids knew they were being dumped, not great for them. Both parents, should act like parents, and have a workable schedule.

Loose arrangements do not work with manipulation going on.

Get him to counselling or draw out a schedule and ask why he wouldn’t agree to one. Insist.

[mugonmyhead]

I think he feels guilty about leaving in the first place.

There is an arrangement, ex is supposed to have dc weds night and fri night until sat at 8pm. Her choice as usual. She just never sticks to it. The one time dp challenged her shr basically told him.its not a court order sp tough tits. Dont think ge knew what to say to that!

[Kannet]

Can your sdc not come to family dinner with you. Maybe just join for dessert

[mugonmyhead]

Not really, its miles away and ex wouldn't drop off so dp would have to leave and come back.

Anyway doesnt look like it matters now as hes had a massive strop thrown his tea in the bin and told me to get out of his house. (Its not his house its ours and i havent and i won't)

[Louw12345]

Oh wow. How come he's had a strop?

[TwoDots]

Can you leave? Do you have somewhere you could go? Think he needs a wake up call

[Butterymuffin]

He can pack that in for a start. He's clearly got used to the idea that you get told how it's going to be and comply. Don't go anywhere.

Tell him he can strop all he likes, but you've been reasonable and accommodating for years and it's got you nowhere except to be spoken to like dirt, so now you are going to start doing what works for you, including going to your mum's for Boxing Day. And, of course, staying in your joint home, for now just least. Make it clear to him that if you end up splitting and selling the house as a result, so be it.

[mugonmyhead]

Not really. I have to work and take dc to nursery.

He says he'll be better off on his own.

[Butterymuffin]

Sure he will . He'll be doing all their washing, cooking and running around that you currently do. Let him crack on.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

You need to leave. It's shit and I don't necessarily mean you have to physically leave, he should, but it needs to end. He's treating you and your child appallingly and it's been going on so long he's got no interest in changing.

Sorry

[Lottie509]

Your dp sounds like an absolute ars, I would leave personally.

[Louw12345]

I don't plan things with my kids and my partners kids coz we never know if they are coming or not till Friday but I have started letting my kids go back to their routine of staying at family and stuff.

If his come and ask where they are I say staying with their friends or at their aunties etc.
Not much I can do really other than plan something and go anyway even if they end up staying over but I would feel that's abit tight.

I have a big family so like to book things to get a discount can't do that these days full price for 9 of all together is alot of money.

So mine.miss out. I will get stronger and I have but my partner needs to understand hos contact is every weekend Friday to sunday not whenever she wants him to have the kids are not and I'm sure he will do bit his ex won't like when he learns to stand his ground. And I feel some men are scared of that

[RebelFreddyVSRogueJason]

If he’s better off on his own,show him the door. He’s free to leave.
Trust me he has no intention of doing that. Right now he’s bullying you and trying to scare you(where will i go,how will i cope,he’s going to leave me) into shutting up and putting up. Fuck that,you deserve better.

[Wdigin2this]

The thing is, it's usually fathers who leave the family home, and therefore day to day contact with their DC. In my own experience, and that of friends, this means that their guilt will ensure they do nothing to risk losing contact with their DC. If that means, putting their (and their second family's) lives on hold, pandering to every demand the EW makes, and generally never saying no....then that's how it has to be!
You basically have three choices here, you carry on living the way you are, you leave, or you start changing things for yourself and child. Going to your family for 48 hours over Christmas is a good start, spend the day itself with them, but make it clear you're going to your family later.
lastly, you need to learn to drive ASAP!!!