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Stepdaughter decided she doesn’t like me... new sm

(183 Posts)
MS28 Sun 22-Oct-17 17:57:21

So, my husband has two kids by two different women who live on different sides of the country. One weekend we are forced to go up north to see his oldest daughter, this takes us 3.5 hours driving and having to stay overnight at his mothers (who only has a one bedroom apartment) or we wouldn’t see his eldest ever.... his other lives 1.5 hours south with his ex girlfriend. They separated before her second birthday, she turns 10 next month.
When I first met both the oldest and youngest they both liked me and wanted to hang out, suddenly, the 10 year old can’t stand being in my presence, lies to my face about how she feels, and sends her dad drawings (when I had just moved here (from abroad) and we were engaged) of her, her mum, and him together as a family....
she has also started refusing to come up to ours on her weekend so my husband has to go down to his ex girlfriends and spend the day with her in his ex girlfriends house, or else he doesn’t get to see her... I respect that she wants alone time with her father and I am happy to go out whenever she comes to ours and or have them go out and do things together, so am unclear why he has to go down there when she wants “daddy time”.... he gets a massive guilt trip from the ex girlfriend about not ever seeing his daughter and how if she were him she would be doing whatever she could to see her whenever possible... the man works a full time job so he can support both kids (the ex girlfriend doesn’t work and the ex wife doesn’t make much) and has to see his other child on the other weekend and she was the one who moved down south to begin with.
I am sure this will come across as selfish, but we did end up making a schedule so we get one weekend a month for us, which means one month one girl misses a weekend, the next month the other girl misses a weekend. I don’t think that’s unreasonable at all, but the fit the ex girlfriend threw was immense... she couldn’t believe how selfish my husband was being and how he could not want to see his daughter. All he wants is to see his kids, that’s all he talks about.
It wasn’t this bad until we said I do..... I just want to have a happy marriage and I am sure that most people would disagree, but the kids aren’t going to be kids forever and putting them first all the time leaves you with nothing when they’re gone/grownup.
We have been together for 2 years married for only 10 months, and the last 10 months have been hell... of it doesn’t get better my marriage isn’t going to last.

lunar1 Sun 22-Oct-17 19:25:01

So does it work that every other month each child only gets to see their dad for one weekend one for a day and the other only overnight?

SuzukiLi Sun 22-Oct-17 19:31:04

shock

DaisysStew Sun 22-Oct-17 19:34:34

So each child only gets 3 visits every 2 months? That's piss poor and you know it.

You're an adult. You knew he had children when you chose to enter into a relationship with him and yet now you're demanding that he gives up one visit a month to spend time exclusively with you. If I were his child I'd be very resentful as well.

MS28 Sun 22-Oct-17 19:37:46

Say there are 4 weekends in a month,
One weekend we go 3.5 hours north and arrive about 10am pick up the oldest and see her all day Saturday, drop her back to her mothers and stay at my mother in laws, then pick her up first thing on Sunday spend the day with her, then drop her back off Sunday around 1600 before driving the 3.5 hours back home (sometimes longer depending on traffic).
The next weekend we see the youngest, who may or may not come up and spend the night at ours, the last 2 months she has refused and that is when the day trip only started, because frankly it is too much money in fuel or train ticket to go just for the day Sat and Sun.
The next weekend we have the weekend off
The next weekend we have the oldest, repeat above...
The next month its the opposite so we have the youngest twice and the oldest once (she is a teenager and more interested in hanging with her friends anyway, honestly think she would just prefer if we didn't burden her with our presence, but she is lovely and tolerates hanging with old people....).

Tilapia Sun 22-Oct-17 19:38:28

I can understand that’s not great for you OP - trailing around the country every weekend. But it’s not his daughters’ fault that there are two of them, and they live far apart. In this situation, ‘putting them first all the time’ does mean only seeing their Dad twice a month sad

Belleoftheball8 Sun 22-Oct-17 19:41:04

🍪 What did you expect you married a man in a short time who has two dc at the opposite ends of the country! No wonder the 10year old doesn’t like you because you expect them to only see their DF once a month every other month. Of course they should bloody come first!!

Belleoftheball8 Sun 22-Oct-17 19:41:41

Your not forced to go you can leave it up to your dh to visit his dad up north and the one down south

Twinkletowedelephant Sun 22-Oct-17 19:42:06

Do the girls not see each other?

Is it not possible to have them both together?

YogiYoni Sun 22-Oct-17 19:45:08

Wow. Those poor girls.

SisterhoodisPowerful Sun 22-Oct-17 19:46:21

They are children. They come first.

If the 10 year old is being difficult, then she needs love bombing from her father and she needs to see him wanting to be with her. 3 times in 2 months is not appropriate or fair. And, you will soon find she has no interest in seeing either of you when she realises you don't like her.

Do really think you will have a "happy marriage" with a man who cares so little about his children that 4 times in 2 months is too much?
Seriously?

Belleoftheball8 Sun 22-Oct-17 19:47:59

Surely you could move closer to one of his dds

MS28 Sun 22-Oct-17 19:52:10

@DaisysStew, yes I knew he had children, and I have not demanded anything, clearly there is more to the deciding to take one weekend for just us. Try putting yourself into a perspective of someone who was married, had a baby, divorced, had a girlfriend who got pregnant, she then broke up with you after the baby was born and moved farther away, knowing about your other child that lived 3.5 hours away. How do you think that you would cope working in a very demanding role and then traveling every weekend? Do you not think that you would deserve some time as well, regardless of a new wife? Also, imagine yourself as the new partner or as the husband with a new partner, would you actually not also desire as well as need to nurture that relationship?

Try and be open minded, as clearly, every situation is different, before you start accusing people of "piss poor" behaviour.

I know that being a parent is hard, I understand that, and it takes time and visits etc, but when you are working full time, do not have your child close, and have to travel extensively every weekend after working it takes a toll. Then not only are you short changing the child your visiting because you as an adult are so exhausted from running constantly, you are causing your own self health issues. I don't think taking one weekend a month for yourself in this sort of situation is at all "piss poor" or depriving the child of anything, especially considering the whole of the situation.
As a parent, even if you are just an every other weekend parent, you are not meant to be just an entertainer, and that is what weekends of just day visits end up boiling down too, and they end up being financially unsound, or in an inappropriate location (ie. the ex's house). This is not an environment conducive to good father child bonding, if anything it is good for ex bonding with father and supervising/micromanaging his visit. I am not saying that is wrong in every situation, or that my husband is perfect, but there is no reason why he should not be able to bring his child to his own stable home environment for that visit, and I believe that her mother, allowing a 10 year old to dictate, is wrong.

YogiYoni Sun 22-Oct-17 19:56:34

How much time do your DH’s exes get to ‘nurture relationships’?

Belleoftheball8 Sun 22-Oct-17 19:56:38

Why don’t move to be close to one of his dc? Has he ever heard of contraception? He has to accept some responsibility in this. Why do you need to attend these visits maybe the ex is fed up on you being there and wants her dd opportunity to spend quality alone time?

YogiYoni Sun 22-Oct-17 19:57:18

Eek. Sorry. Just realised this is in Step-Parenting not AIBU. As you were...

Belleoftheball8 Sun 22-Oct-17 20:00:44

Her 10 year old would be by court heard and their feelings and wishes considered. She does not feel comfortable going to your home with you a stranger who’s been on the scene 2 years who she’s seen once twice a month and no doubt not got the closest relationship to her father.

MS28 Sun 22-Oct-17 20:01:56

No, it's not, their mothers have never even met each other, and the teenagers mother refuses to allow her to come down on her visits.
As for it not being enough, well maybe their mothers should have also thought about that before moving...
I actually do like both of the girls very much, and am not sure how accusing of not liking the 10 year old is correct or appropriate.
Also, they're children... they should not be dictating anything, or anyones lives. When I was a child, and same for my husband, we did what our parents or step-parents needed us to do in order for the family to work or gel. If they needed to move for a job, we moved for a job, if they wanted to have people over for a visit, they did and we had to entertain ourselves, or we went with them to visit people.
I think that this belief that children should be a priority over everything else is wrong, and I may be hated for that, but thats what creates this entitled attitude a ton of young people are having these days.
I am sure it is shocking that only seeing your dad twice a month or once a month sounds ok, but FaceTime, Skype, phone calls, and text also happen, and if for one second someone considers him to be a bad father for needing some time off, then that is also wrong. You don't have to be around every second to be a good father. How do people who have husbands who travel for work cope if they are gone for more than one week or two out of the month? Does that make them a bad father and husband? Do they still communicate regularly with the children? Then why would this be considered any different? We would gladly let both come and live with us full time if it were an option, but its not. Its not a case of someone being a bad parent, or someone being prioritised, its a case of it suddenly happening, and the location (which cheats the girl out of time with her father) being the issue, and myself not understanding what, so suddenly, went wrong.

Hassled Sun 22-Oct-17 20:02:05

The routine sounds exhausting, but it's never going to stop. I'm not having a go at your DH - it sounds like he's doing what he can without relocating (and if he did that he'd end up further away from one of the DDs, presumably), and it's right that he carries on with the schedule.

But that doesn't mean you have to go along every time as well, especially if the 10 year old is going through a bit of stage (which is probably all it is - 10 year olds can be hard work). Stay home, find a hobby, get some rest, leave your DH to make these trips.

Belleoftheball8 Sun 22-Oct-17 20:02:28

How many times have you met his dad about 20 in the space of 2 years?

FenellaMaxwellsPony Sun 22-Oct-17 20:03:53

Why are you gatecrashing the precious little time these girls have with their father?

DaisysStew Sun 22-Oct-17 20:04:35

I'm in the situation of being a single mother who has her child 24/7 bar 2 hours on a Saturday when DSs father graces him with his presence.
I've been single for 3 years because at the moment all my time is taken with DS and he is my priority. Any man who started demanding I give up a weekend every month to spend solely with him would be given his marching orders as he would clearly have no understanding that my child comes before "nurturing" our relationship.

And you are depriving them - you're depriving them of 25% of their previous contact time.

Seeing your child for 3 weekends every 2 months instead of the 4 which are on offer is piss poor. End of.

MS28 Sun 22-Oct-17 20:06:30

Example, ex wife is going on a holiday for a week and we have the teen so she can spend time with her boyfriend who lives in another country. Her parents also live around the corner and they watch the teen regularly for her to do whatever she likes
The exgirlfriend (my husband and she broke up 8 years ago) has not dated or been in a relationship with anyone since they broke up... if she requested (like the ex) for us to watch the youngster we would, gladly...
We also take them on school holidays as often as possible if my husband has enough holiday from work.

Belleoftheball8 Sun 22-Oct-17 20:08:48

You don't have to be around every second to be a good father

You have to be around a lot more than once or twice a month. You can not compare fathers who work away they often do so to afford the lifestyle they provide their family with and have annual leave which is spent with family e.g holidays away making memories, Christmas etc . You get your dh to yourself 5 days a week whilst his two dd get scraps. Of course all it’s both the mothers fault being hard work and unreasonable even though your dh is the common denominator here. Does he even allocate his annual leave to spend more quality time with them? Of choice the dc have a choice they aren’t making demands, they want a reasonable relationship with him that he’s unwilling to give. Both mothers in these scenarios are the ones parenting and doing all the hard work.

QueenInTheNorth26 Sun 22-Oct-17 20:09:05

Can you not move closer to another child?. And I have to disagree, children should come first. All my four dc come first and none of them are entitled.

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